This was too good not to share:
Tom Talks 'Great Sex'
Cruise makes us cringe -- again
Memo to Katie Holmes: Please, we're begging you, get that endlessly baking bun out of your oven pronto, because Tom Cruise desperately needs a safe subject like poopie diapers to discuss while promoting "Mission: Impossible III." On the heels of last week's ultra-personal revelations about his abusive father, the "Dianetics"-devoted star is now discussing -- please put down your lunch -- his views on sex.
Cruise declares in the May issue of GQ that getting intimate with someone you're not in love with is "really horrible and pathetic and lonely. And yech."
Sex, he says, "is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just ... free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular. If you're not in good communication with your partner, it sucks."
The communication between Tom and the about-to-blow Katie must really be "amazing," because he claims he knew she was carrying his progeny before she did.
"Oh, I -- I looked at her. And I went, 'You're gonna tell me if you're pregnant, aren't you?' It was a moment where ... It was one of those things," he (sort of) explains. "I just picked something up. And I knew at that moment she was pregnant. 'Cuz I notice things in people."
And what does the awesomely intuitive Cruise notice in the glassy-eyed, glib-free former starlet, for whom he's wantonly abused furniture while proclaiming his endless love?
"She's just cool," he nonspecifically enthuses of his fiancée. "She's kind, she's smart, she's fun. She's a woman who's not afraid to be a woman."
He adds, "I taught her how to ride a dirt bike in an hour and a half. She'd never done it before. She got her scuba license -- and the kids scuba dive so we all went down scuba diving in Mexico and swimming with the whales. Sometimes people freak out when they see the stuff I do. But it's like, 'Look, this is who I am,' and people who know me know I'm very safe about it. I'm not crazy ..."
Speaking of people freaking out about his not-craziness, Tom is once again touching on the sensitive subject of the sonogram machine he purchased and supposedly learned how to operate.
"I'm a filmmaker -- I need to see the rushes!" he attempts to joke to the mag (we assume there was an explosive laugh accompanying this quip). "At first we did it a lot. I don't know how many times, but I did not exceed FDA regulations!"
(The FDA, for those wondering, recommends using sonograms only to obtain medical information about the fetus and encourages limited exposure.)
As for the Scientology-sanctioned silent birth, the proselytizing pop-to-be says the lip-zipping is misunderstood. "It's really about respecting the woman," he insists of the hush-hush delivery technique put forth by L. Ron Hubbard, who as far as we know never pushed a human being out of his body. "It's not about her not screaming."
Cruise, who also chats up Diane Sawyer in a sit-down airing Friday, is unsure just where the TomKitten will make its debut ("At home, maybe. We're really going back and forth on that one") but reveals they've been attending "baby seminars" and "studying what a woman goes through." Say it with us: Fun!
Some other tidbits from the GQ interview, which hits newsstands April 25:
On Brangelina's impending (and competing) arrival: "Playdates! I've gotta give him a ring. I'm really happy for them. I am really happy for them. He's a good guy, Brad." (Said the still in-utero Jolie-Pitt offspring of the playdate invitation, "Thanks, but no thanks.")
On explaining the history of psychiatry to Matt Lauer: "I thought I was pretty restrained. I've been pissed off about things, believe me. I thought it was a terrific interview. I wasn't pissed; I just was intense on wanting to communicate."
On Katie's cravings: "She loves cupcakes, okay? I mean, the girl loves cupcakes."
On his hands-on approach to detox: "I have to say, I've always found the 'if it makes me feel better, it's okay' rationale a little suspect. I think it's appalling that people have to live a life of drug addiction when I have personally helped people get off drugs." Cruise claims he can get a person off heroin in three days.
On whether he told ex-wife Nicole Kidman, with whom he has two children, about the pregnancy: "It's not like anything I had to or didn't have to do. I wish her well."
On Katie's at-home pregnancy test: "Yeah, she did the whole stick test; I think she just touched the box and they all turned blue."
On commitment: "I'm the relationship guy. I'm not the dating, partying guy. It's not me, you know what I mean? I'm too serious. And I'm too intense. It means something to me."
On questions about the galactic overlord Xenu, a central figure in his religion: "You say this stuff to me and it's insulting. That's why I'm not even going to dignify what you're saying. There's always a lot of misinformation out there. I'm doing pretty good. Look at the things that have helped me in my life. You hear this other stuff -- come on, it's crap!"
You just can't make this stuff up.