As Ant said in his voice over, this season started out as men versus women, but soon devolved into everyone versus Dustin. The cast of CFC is ready to be done with Dustin, and so am I. This season was fun when focused on all the other interesting folks, but it has become quite taxing on ignoring the furry elephant in the room. That being said, the last 100 days have been quite a process for our Fit Clubbers and it all ends here.
First Challenge Redux
It is Day 99, the day before the final weigh-in, and Harvey has the teams back at a Long Beach football stadium where the first challenge took place. Maureen is sad to see the show end and says she’ll miss everyone. Juxtaposed against her sentiment is Dustin’s proclamation that he’d rather eat a turd—and it doesn’t even have to be a human turd—than do another Fit Club Challenge. So much for Dustin Diamond’s diet tips actually selling books.
Ant is at the Challenge as well, though it is hard to say why. He does inform the teams that there is less than a 1% difference between the two teams’ percentage of body weight loss. In the event of a tie, the team who wins this challenge will be the winner of the show. Since the Athletes have been ahead on the percentage lost and the Regulators have won all the challenges, this is an important test of skill and will.
Maureen and Cledus both have something to prove, because they did the worst back on Day 1. Clearly their workout routines have been doing something for them because both of them score as most improved for their respective teams. Warren G. also sets the record for CFC long jump. In the final task, the Clubbers have to go up and down the stadium steps. Maureen and Tiffany go first, each going up and down 15 flights of stairs. Kim and Brat jog up and down 10 flights. The men are up next; Dustin did six last time but only does four this time because he wants to preserve his legs for his show in Boca. I imagine he’s playing for Morty and Helen at Del Boca Vista, and I don’t think they’ll care if he sits or stands. But he’s a quitter, and he’s just fine by him to be a quitter. Plus, six flights isn’t that much; try running down sixteen floors to get out of a building under a bomb threat, and then talk to me about having jelly legs. At the end of it all, the Regulators win the challenge yet again, and the prize will fall to them if the loss-percentage is tied.
Because Dustin is up to his usual “look at me” antics, everyone looks at him, practically begs him to do more stair-stepping. When he intimates he may not show up for the last weigh-in, they cajole him into agreeing to show up. He of course, loves every minute of the attention and promises to show up the next day to bring the drama. It would be nice if they hauled in his parents and found out how and why they messed him up so bad, but there’s no betting on that happening. Brat is so tired of Dustin’s crap, she promises to get someone to mess him up in the street, because she’s got a law suit pending and doesn’t want to do it herself.
Dressed to the nines.
Fit Club has come to an end on Day 100. All eight of the Clubbers show up to the final weigh-in ceremony dressed up, and they all look nice. The ladies are rockin’ cleavage-bearing looks and all look about 200% percent better than the first night’s weigh-in. The usual panel of experts—Dr. Ian, Stacy, and Harvey—are present and accounted for, and Brat is called to the scales first. We are reminded that she was fiercely combative with Harvey on the first episode, acted out in her usual bratty way for a while, but also showed a lighter side, such as the trampoline work-out. Tonight she is, as Ant says va-va-va-voom Brat, with an outfit that has, as its top under the jacket, a crystal-encrusted bra. She’s gotten her hair done with golden ringlet curls and she is stunning. Last time, Ian reminds us, she weighed 151 and had a goal of 145 for the season. Tonight she weighs 146, having lost five pounds for the weigh-in and 26 pounds overall. Brat says she’ll keep off the weight because she loves how she looks in the mirror. Stacy then comments it was nice to see Brat’s sensitive side, and that cues the video of Brat and her teammates in the recording studio laying down Brat’s CFC rap. Brat says that’s her thank-you to the panel for helping them out. She is also treated to a video of Jermaine Dupri, her producer and friend, congratulating her on a job well done. Brat tears up, saying Jermaine means so much to her since he put her on the map. Harvey, with his eyes popping out like a cartoon character in love, comments on how great Brat looks, and she apologizes for her behavior on the first episode. All is well, and Brat and Harv exchange hugs.
Tiffany is up next; she’s got on a teal-ish sateen dress with small cut-outs at the waist and a plunging neckline. She’s down an amazing seven pounds to 124, which exceeds her goal by three pounds and puts her within one pound of her Playboy weight. She says that this time around, she lost the weight the right way and is much healthier. Harvey can’t stop staring; he says his eyeballs haven’t felt this good since he was 18 and got off a ship in the Philippines. That kinda creeps me out a bit, I must say. He also compliments her on her inner drive to keep working out through the times she wanted to quit.
Good grief, Rosie’s everywhere.
Ross, looking dapper in his outfit with another tucked in shirt, already met his goal three shows ago. He reset his target to lose a total of 40 pounds, and after stepping on the scale, he learns he lost 41 and is down to 173. He’s lost 19.2% of his bodyweight. Stacy asks him what motivated him to change his lifestyle, and he says that he wants to have kids at some point and wants to be healthy for them. Without a sense of irony or snark, I really do think Ross would be a great parent, based on his amazingly calm, even approach to Dustin. Ross goes on to say that his Dad passed away young due to not having such a healthy lifestyle, and he doesn’t want that to happen to him. Stacy then cues the video of Ross’s visit with Rosie O’Donnell, because we all know Rosie can’t get enough t.v. time. Rosie initially encouraged Ross to go on the show, telling him he absolutely had to go on it. Ross flew out to New York to visit with her, and she is in awe of his transformation. Rosie worried that Harvey would make fun of Ross. Quite to the contrary, Ross says: Harvey will just roll over and let you rub his belly. Harvey doesn’t comment on this aspect of the videotape, but does take Ross’s compliment on his pink shirt well. Harvey also gives Ross a Marine Corps coin for outstanding team leadership, a prize he does not hand out lightly or often. Harvey says Ross didn’t strike him as a leader at first because Ross had so little self-confidence on the first episode. But, Harvey says, over the course of the 100 days, Ross really grew as a leader and did an amazing job with his team, including the difficult member.
Next, Kimberley steps to the scales; she was 151 and three pounds away from her season goal. She only drops two, to 149, but she’s looking great. Stacy says that Kimberley wasn’t on the journey to lose weight alone, and we get a video message from Kim’s Mom saying she loves Kimberley and encourages her to keep up the work. Kimberley says that her mother has always had weight issues, and the doctor just told her that she was a few points away from being diabetic. Her Mom was resigned to the fact, but Kimberley is trying to get her Mom on the same track as she is so she can be around for Kimberley’s successes. She also says, regarding the Dustin experience, that she just feels bad for him for missing out on the great program and making friends. She says if her team wins, especially since they’ve won all the challenges, it’ll be great. If, on the other hand, the Athletics win, they will deserve it too considering their problems with their teammate. Someone should inform Kimberley there is no prize for “most magnanimous.”
The good kind of diamond.
Maureen is up next; she can’t believe this is the last weigh-in and doesn’t want it to end. Maureen is a bit keyed up; for each individual’s weigh-in, she is overly excited and applauds loudly. Some people may find this endearing; I wonder what is in those pre-fab, low-cal gourmet meals she has delivered to her. Ian reminds us that she blew past her goal a long while ago, and set herself a new target weight of 119 pounds. She steps on the scale and comes in at 116 pounds. Maureen runs off the scales and hugs Ross; her excitement is boundless. Ian brings her back over, and tells her she lost 34 pounds total, and she should probably stop right where she is. Ian further informs her that she is the individual weight-loss winner (based on percentage lost), and that entitles her to a number of prizes, the first of which is a rousing weight loss/rejoice song by the Sacred Nation Gospel Ensemble. Perhaps it was just me, but I found it ironic that her weight-loss accomplishment was celebrated by bringing in a choir filled with folks on the plus-side (not that I’m knocking plus-sized individuals…it’s just weird on a weight loss show, is all I’m sayin’). Nevertheless, the performance was a great spirit and mood booster for everyone (except Dustin who sat glumly at the end of the row for the entire evening). After the choir left, Maureen was presented with the remainder of her prizes for losing the most weight: a trip for her and three others to Alberta for eight nights, a Tacori diamond pendant with her initials, and an Tacori matching diamond cocktail ring. Maureen is so excited, all she can do is shriek and jump around in her four inch heels. Luckily, she did not break anything. Finally, she calms down enough to tell Stacy that the experience has meant so much to her, because before Fit Club, she hardly got out of sweats and now she is all about getting up and moving. Harvey, true to form, comments on how good she’s looking, and Maureen treats him to a bit of a pantomime of a burlesque.
Stacy auditions for Barbara Walter’s job.
Warren G. steps on the scales after Maureen; he was 191 pounds last time and he only lost one pound, not the three he needed to meet his goal. He did lose 31 pounds overall, and he looks mighty fine in his well-tailored suit. The panel asks him how he feels, and he says he’s not going to get choked up, but proceeds to do so. He says he lost the weight for his wife and kids, and he wants to be around for his kids, because so many of his friends aren’t around for their kids. Stacy then cues the video message from his wife Tennile, says he looks great and she loves him. The trouble with the video message, for me, is that it looks like they just shoved a camera in her face, ambush-style, and didn’t really prep her that much, so they kind of lack emotional resonance. Same goes for the Jermaine guy, Kimberley’s mom and later on, Rascal Flatts and Cledus’ baby momma…it was like someone’s drunk uncle who regularly videotapes weddings filmed the segments. The videotape keeps Warren choked up and he is embarrassed for having lost his cool. Stacy then asks him about keeping a level demeanor around Dustin, and he simply says he doesn’t like drama, so he won’t engage in it.
Cledus’s turn is next, and Ant reminds us of Cledus’s many fears, phobias, and eating disorders as Cledus steps on the scale. Last week, Cledus was at 181 and hit his target weight. This week, he’s down a couple more pounds to 179, for a total loss of 35 pounds. He feels great about losing the weight but finds it more important that he’s made a total transformation. Stacy, ever the one to elicit tears, then shows the footage of her trying to get Cledus to conquer his fear of flying. She gets him to the airport, checked in, through security, and on to a plane heading to Phoenix. He’s about to get off the plane when she asks him if he’ll stay on if his daughter was in Phoenix. He doesn’t believe she’s there, but Stacy swears that she is. Cledus decides to tough it out, and makes it to Phoenix safely. Stacy survives too, because the daughter really is there; had she been lying, I’d have been afraid for her life. Cledus’ little girl is super cute and was delighted to see her Dad. Stacy also has other video to share—congratulatory messages from Rascal Flatts and from his daughter and her mother. Harvey congratulates Cledus and comments on how the competition brought out the athlete in him. Cledus returns the compliment by saying Harvey is a great motivator and a great man, and it would have made such a positive difference in his life had he had someone like Harvey in his life earlier. Awww, Harv is just getting all the lovin’ tonight, isn’t he?
Can’t we skip this part?
All that positive, happy, wonderful stuff is about to get tossed out of the window by the giant turd eating fool that remains to be weighed in. Ant says Dustin didn’t take the challenge of Fit Club but instead challenged the program. The producers show us a montage of Dustin’s greatest whiny hits from the past seven episodes: it all began when no one cared about his porn tape, and devolved from there to shouting, threats of bodily harm and lawyers, a big wipe-out on a bicycle and the confession of using a fat burner. In other words, deceased horse being pummeled. Oh, yeah, Ant mentions that the videotaped segment where Dustin suggested Kimberley needed his adult pleasure product sent everyone out of the room and taping to a “screeching” halt. Seriously, how the hell is Ant qualified to get out of bed in the morning if this is the kind of “material” he uses?
In any event, Dustin gets on the scale and has somehow lost 13 pounds and is down to 187. He’s lost 30 pounds overall, and no one has any idea how he lost those 13, though they do know he went to a sauna. Dustin is smug as ever, saying he’s not going to be the poster boy for Dr. Ian’s book, but maybe he’ll write his own book, which I can only suppose will be the Turd-a-Day Diet. He came on the show to prove that you don’t have to eat healthily to lose weight. Ian counters that you can lose weight in any number of ways, but doing so by starvation or fat burners, without exercise and proper nutrition, is just not healthy. At this point, Cledus and Brat start to make some comments, and Stacy tries to stop them by addressing them, not Dustin. She says that Dustin’s behavior is all about creating isolation, and what they are looking at is an isolated, lonely guy who is trying to engage them to get a fix of dysfunctional attention. She advises the others not to engage Dustin in any dialogue.
Dustin spits that he doesn’t care and he’s never going to see any of these folks again. Stacy addresses him, saying they gave him a chance to go out in a light-hearted way by sending a video camera to his house in Milwaukee, Wisconsin to his own home. Cuing that videotape, we see Dustin bragging that he lost 17 pounds by doing nothing. His girlfriend, the girl with no self-esteem, is there yukking it up with Dustin as well. He then puts on a little show making fun of Cledus and Brat by enacting a little (imagined) conversation between Cledus an Brat about him. To do this, he wears two wigs; one is a bald-cap with poorly placed hair plugs for the “Cledus” look and the other is what appears to be Princes Leia buns made out of dark yarn for the “Brat” look. If Dustin is attempting to be a prop comic, he’s got a long way to go. This “conversation” involves Dustin pretending to cry over his missing daughter (as Cledus) and going on about having large balls (as Brat). It makes no sense and is just pathetic. When the videotape ends, no one is happy, and Cledus is furious for Dustin having even mentioned his kid. He gets up from his chair and approaches Dustin. Maureen steps between Dustin and Celdus and a large security-like guy comes out of the shadows. Dr. Ian goes over to the confrontation site as well, and tries to get Cledus to back off. Cledus says he just wants to talk to Dustin up close and explain to him how he shouldn’t mess with Cledus’s daughter. Dustin carries on like the whiney bitch that he is, saying that the scene is creating a hostile work environment and he’s going to call his lawyer. Uh, yeah, good luck with that claim.
The security guy and Ian get Cledus far enough away, and eventually out the door, but not before Cledus again asks why Dustin had to bring his daughter into the fray. Cledus also says that Jennifer (the girl with no self esteem, I suppose) calls him more than she calls Dustin, or more than Dustin calls Cledus. Dustin counters that he told Jennifer to call Cledus to give him the head’s up on the videotape “comedy” routine. So, what we can surmise is that Cledus (and likely Brat) knew about the videotape ahead of time. I hold no illusions about set-up “reality” shows, but it’s a bit amateurish for the producers to give the game away on the show. It is time to retire the Dustin-as-instigator character. Harvey agrees; he tells Dustin he may feel like a winner for losing weight but he isn’t respected and needs to get off the bleeping stage.
Tell them what they’ve won, Ant.
Finally it is time for the giant scales to come out. Everyone takes their place on the scales, but before the winner is determined, Ant announces the prize pack for the winning team. First there’s some bling: 14kt gold chains and dogtags for the boys, with a diamond star on it and five 14kt gold and diamond bracelets for the gals. Maureen begins to shriek and twitter over this prize in an almost orgasmic fashion. Then there’s some clothes—some fancy jeans with a tacky embroidered pattern on the back pocket. Third, there’s some cooking stuff: a full set of Calphalon cook wear and some fancy-schmancy knives. Fourth, there is a bunch of Coleman camping equipment, including a tent, a tent for the pet, a kayak, and some sleeping bags. There was no mention of itching powder, however. Finally, the big ooo-aaah-wow prize is a trip to South Africa to Sun City and to Cape Town which includes a safari. The winning team members each get $10,000 in cash as well, ostensibly to buy bug repellant if they go on the safari and/or camping. (At least that’s what I’d do.)
The scales are activated and the Athletes—Ross, Maureen, Tiffany, and Dustin—win the competition, hands-down. They lost 18.1% of their cumulative body weight, whereas the Regulators only lost 15.2%. Ant then informs everyone that Ross, Maureen, and Tiffany were the top 3 in the percentage of body weight lost, so it didn’t matter one tiny bit that Dustin was on the team. It could have been anyone else and they still would have won. With that, this season of Celebrity Fit Club ends. Congratulations to anyone who made it this far without shooting their television.
Anyone wanna help me pitch a Mo & Ro Fit Club for Kids show for Nickelodeon? If so, drop me a PM.