I nearly forgot CFC was on tonight, which is really bad of me since I’m recapping it and all but last Sunday I didn’t have to look at or think about Dustin Diamond, and it was a pretty good day. Of course, it all came streaming back within the first seconds of the show, and in the event it didn’t for you, CFC’s editors have a way of overplaying every painful detail of the Harvey-Dustin throwdown a the top of each show. Then Ant warns us in a voiceover that Dustin will be back, and then the promo gives away the rest of the show, much like the early morning airings do, but I won’t go that low as to give the game away at this early stage.
We rejoin the cast on Day 85 for the second-to-last Fit Club Challenge. The gang is at a DMX facility where they will race bikes over an obstacle course. Harvey explains to the group that, late the night before, they had word that Dustin was going to show up for the Fit Club. No one is terribly happy about Dustin’s appearance, especially his teammates. Tiffany says it’s like sentencing the Athletes to death, since Dustin quite literally, isn’t puling his weight. The Waste of Sperm himself shows up, spouting off that he’s ill with some kind of head cold thing. Harvey doesn’t want to pay more attention to Dustin than he would a cockroach and gets the DMX challenge underway. Unfortunately, Harvey does not bring out a giant can of Raid and a flyswatter.
First up all the guys race against each other; Cledus and Warren handily beat Ross and Dustin. The women go second, and Brat and Tiffany are in the lead, but then Tiffany wipes out, so Brat and Kimberley win the race. Tiffany is alright after her fall and gets back on the bike to finish the course. The men all go again, but first Dustin tries to get out of it. He goes to the paramedic on site, complaining that he’s hot, that he’s not well, and so on, but the paramedic is nonplussed to say the least. Dustin is going to quit, but then Harvey tells him he shouldn’t disappoint his team, so Dustin half-heartedly attempts the race again, but only gets half way through before quitting. Cledus wins the challenge, and is miffed that Dustin is getting all the attention for quitting and he’s getting the shaft even though he won.
Star of the show.
It is Day 86, the day of the weigh-in. Dustin shows up wearing a tee shirt that reads “Star of the Show.” I guess his intent is to rile up his cast mates, but, in point of fact, he is the star of the show because VH1’s editing monkeys made him one. They really ought to look into borrowing some magical elves from Bravo.
Before calling up Kimberley to step on the scales, Ant asks Ross how his team is dealing with Dustin being back. Ross, as team captain says that Dustin’s behavior has been a slap in the face of the team and shows a lack of respect. Tiffany is wounded as a team member by Dustin’s behavior, but she is withholding judgment until he weighs in. Dustin merely stats that he is there with peace in his soul. Or maybe with a joint in is pocket…
Ant then gets Kimberley up before the judges. Last time she weighed in at 155 and had a four pound goal, which she meets. She’s lost 25 pounds overall, so the girl seriously needs to stop buying her clothes at the all-overweight-women-need-to-wear-tents store. First, it’s not flattering even if you are overweight, and second, the girl has curves she could be working instead of flapping around in bat winged tops that are more popular with the maw-maw trailer park set than on a music video shoot. Stacy asks Kimberley about how she very VERY much enjoyed winning the day before, to which she replies that Dustin’s presence didn’t slow her down and made her want to win more. She is focused on the goal of continuing to lose weight and winning for her team. Harvey gives her a goal of three more pounds to lose for the next and last weigh in, two weeks away (in show time).
Ross comes up next to be weighed in. He’s already met his goal, and was at 181 last time; tonight he comes in at 177, beating his self-set goal of three pounds. He’s now down 37 pounds overall, which is 17.3% of his starting body weight. He too has wardrobe issues, but CFC sends him to visit with a stylist. Ross has a grand old time trying on all sorts of outfits that fit him in his new smaller size. He chooses a dapper beige suit with an ascot, which he’s wearing tonight. He knows it is all very shallow, but he loves the new clothes aspect of losing weight. After the little video montage of Ross trying on clothes, Harvey gives him a three pound goal for the final weigh-in.
Brat’s progress has been rocky from the start, and last time she weighed 154 and had a five pound goal. She didn’t quite make it, dropping only three pounds, so she has a six pound goal for the final weigh-in to meet her target weight. Harvey gives her a bit of a hard time for bailing on the ropes course the week before. To get her back, he sent her on a surprise workout to a gym that specializes in trampoline workouts, all captured by CFC’s camera crew. In the video, she really loves the trampoline stuff, and bounces so much her baggy sweats nearly fall off of her. Apparently, trampoline workouts, like pillow fights, burn about 600 calories an hour. I wonder how many calories you’d burn if you pillow fought while on a trampoline.
Maureen is up next. She’s the top weight loser for the show; she passed her 25 pound goal two episodes ago, but kept on losing weight, as Ant says, to help her team because that’s what team players do, Dustin, you asshat. She was down to 121 pounds last time, and set a goal of three pounds. She only lost two, but, holy itching powder in the sleeping bag, the woman is svelte and happy. Stacy mentions that on the first show, Maureen expressed a lot of sadness at her mother’s recent passing and guilt at putting her developmentally disabled brother, Denny, in a home. Maureen has made peace with her decision to put Denny in the home, because he is close and can come over and visit often, and is generally doing well. To help show it, we get a video of Denny and Maureen eating lunch at her house and they look happy as clams.
Cledus steps up to the scales after Maureen. He was 185 pounds last time and had a goal of two pounds, even though he was only one pound from his season goal. Dr. Ian reminds him he promised to jump in the pool out back when he met his goal. Sure enough, Cledus met his goal and is down to 181, and Cledus starts kicking off his sneakers to jump in the pool. Before he can run outside, Dr. Ian quizzes Cledus on his eating habits, and he admits he’s reverted to the chicken and broccoli route and it worked. Ian asks him what he’s going to do when the show is over, and it’s like Cledus had never even contemplated the prospect and gets whiney and defensive. Maureen has already indicated that they get all of their meals delivered from as service in LA, so it shouldn’t be that hard to get a variety of foods with limited caloric value. Harvey then asks Cledus about his win the day before how the attention was drawn from his win to Dustin’s failure. Cledus merely states he thinks that winning should be rewarding. Harvey lets Cledus set his own goal, which he sets at three pounds because it would be cool to get into the 170s. With that, Harvey tosses Cledus a towel and sends him off for his pool jump. All the Clubbers—save for Dustin who has, in his words, seen someone jump in a pool before—follow Cledus out onto the back patio. Cledus strips down to his boxers and jumps into the cold pool water. Kimberley follows—fully dressed—into the pool and experiences the cold for herself.
The two who say the least.
There are a couple of people on this show who say nearly nothing the entire episode. Two weeks after the show ends, you’ll be hard pressed to remember their presence. They just aren’t the camera whores that some of the participants are. Warren G. is one of those two; last time he weighed in at 194 pounds and had a goal of three pounds, which he met. Stacy asks some embarrassing questions about how his weight loss has affected his bedroom performance, which leads me to conclude that Stacy wants in Warren G.’s bedroom. Harvey then makes Warren G. show off how he’s coming with his “six pack” and the result is mixed; he’s got fewer spare tires, but he’s not abs-of-steal material either. But since Warren G. was pretty cute thirty pounds ago, the lack of a “six pack” isn’t all that big of a deal.
Tiffany, also usually under the radar, steps up after Warren G. She weighed in at 134 last time and lad a four pound goal. She only lost three pounds, and was a bit bummed. However, she was proud of herself for powering through her fall the day before and finishing the race and being there for her team. Stacy asks how she felt about Dustin coming back, and she said she closed that door when he left and Mo and Kimberley were okay, so she wasn’t going to let him bother her in the least.
Zen and the art of weight loss.
The producers, finally having learned their lesson, scheduled Dustin to go last in the weigh-in ceremony. He had gone up to 205 the last time he weighed in and had a five pound loss goal. He met that goal and is back down to five pounds. He claims he’s glad to be back on the show, then he cops to using Zantrex-3, a supplement and fat burner. Ian chastises him for looking for a quick fix and launches in to a discussion of how supplements, unlike drugs, aren’t vetted by the FDA. A thousand plaintiff lawyers stand up in unison and say, “What about Vioxx, Dr. Ian?” but they are quickly drowned out by Dustin’s rationalization that he lost the weight he needed to. The Regulators are all tied up over the use of the Zantrex-3, labeling it cheating. Dustin then claims to be on the show to support his team and lose weight; meanwhile, a monkey flew out of my butt. Harvey asks what he’s been up to that makes him so mellow, and Dustin blathers incomprehensibly for a while about peace and reading books and inner calm. I now doubt the use of the Zantrex, because you’d expect someone a tad more animated on that much caffeine. Ian once again offers the resources of the panel and Harvey invites him for a boot camp, but Dustin has to check his busy schedule to see if he can fit Harv in somewhere between selling tee shirts and “marital aid” products. Harvey rolls his eyes and gives Dustin a six pound goal, the panel having finally capitulated to Dustin’s higher target weight of the 190s.
The Big Scales return!
It has been forever since we’ve seen the big scales, hasn’t it? Or maybe they were on two weeks ago and I forgot about them. After the weigh-ins were completed, the cast gets ready to go out to the backyard for the final weighing. Before they get there, Warren G., Cledus, and Brat all have words with Dustin about the Zantrex. Brat asks no one in particular that if she tells the panel that she’s “at peace”, can she get a reduction in her six pound goal? Well maybe you can, if being sad gets Paris Hilton out of jail. Dustin’s reply to the criticism is that he’s all about truth and logic and being dressed to kill. Ohhhkaaay…..
At long last, the teams step up on the scales and the result is that they are….dead even. Each team lost 14 pounds for this weigh-in. The Athletes, however, are still ahead, having lost 14.5% of their total body weight. The Regulators have only lost 13.9%, but have won every single Fit Club challenge. It’s still anyone’s game.
Next week, tune in for the 90 minute
torture sessionfinale, wherein Dustin appears to make personal attacks on the cast members and maybe we’ll finally see some fisticuffs action.