Alrighty, Fit Club viewers (and recap readers). Are you prepared for VH1’s new show, “Self-Destructin’ Dustin”? That’s how they’ve been selling the show, what with the previews last week showing Harvey about ready to pummel ole Screech. While it certainly would be welcome to delve into the other Cubbbers’ lives, we’ve got what we’ve got, so let’s begin the fun.
Dance, dance revolution.
As a respite from the outdoor challenges that have been de rigueur thus far, this week’s challenge is a dance competition. It is Day 64 of the weight loss program, and the Clubbers meet Harvey, Ant, and some dance instructor guy whose name escapes me at a dance studio space. Is it me, or does Ant look like he’s had more work done? Anyway, prior to the competition, Maureen has had some liquor and Cledus and Kimberley do the shake-your-ass dance. Well, maybe the order was reversed, because I know that I need some adult beverages if I’m going to have to endure watching people dance in such a manner.
The challenge this week is a dance marathon; apparently the writers are now cribbing plot devices from Happy Days. The prize is about $12,000 of kids’ stuff that will be donated by the manufactures to the winning team captain’s charity of choice. Ross picked an organization called “A Chance for Children” and Warren G. picked St. Jude’s Hospital as his charity. Spurred on to help kids and not look like total greedy bastards, everyone starts dancing with vigor. After nearly two hours, Dustin stops to say something to the camera, and is called out by Ant. He and his dance partner, Tiffany, are eliminated. Dustin makes a fuss that this is a bogus call, Tiffany gets mad, and the whole competition goes into the toilet. Dustin even “challenges” Ant to “physical combat.” Well, clearly he’d lose on “mental combat”, but the bigger question begged is how is this “challenge” not, in fact, a “threat” that he so often complains about being made against him. To quote another reality t.v. villain, it’s time for Dustin to put on his big girl panties and deal with the situation like an adult.
Of course, that doesn’t happen and the dance instructor guy has to pick a winner since the competition fell apart. He chooses Cledus and Kimberley, because he enjoys asses being shaken. Ant then declares that both teams’ charities will get the prizes, because the manufactures are such good folks. Way to endorse and product place, VH1!
“Give me my MF’in’ money!”
Day 65 of the challenge arrives and it is time for the group weigh-in and a trip to the giant scales, which didn’t happen last time because they were in Colorado. But what did happen in Colorado was that Brat made a bet with Ian and Ant that she could lose 7 pounds and with Harvey that she could lose 8 pounds. If she lost eight pounds, she would collect $100 from each one of them. Ant reminds us of this wager, and Brat steps on the scales. Aside from a questionable hair style choice, Brat is looking trim and fit. After the scale does it calculating, we find she’s down to 153 pounds and did indeed lose the 8 pounds. She’s thrilled, collects the cash, and plans on going jewelry shopping. Harvey is shocked that he’s actually giving her money. Brat says she’s glad to take his money but is also glad to make them proud by sticking to the program. She gets a goal of two pounds for the next weigh-in, which is only a week away.
Food phobias rear their ugly heads.
Tiffany steps up to the scales next; last time she came in at 137 and had a goal of four pounds. Tiffany must have the worst taste in clothes or the worst stylist, because she looks a good 25 pounds heavier than 137. She steps on the scale and it reads....137. She doesn’t understand, she says, because she hasn’t been eating—only some fruit here and there. Dr. Ian reminds her that she sends her body into starvation mode when she doesn’t eat and thus makes it harder for her to lose the weight. Stacy then asks about Tiffany’s temper, saying that she got all fired up at the dance competition yesterday. Tiffany responds that she was angry that she got eliminated from the competition over a bad call against Dustin, but she’s calm about it now, bey-otch, so what’s yer problem? Stacy is properly rebuked, and Harvey gives Tiffany a goal of four pounds to lose for the next weigh-in, despite it being only a week away.
Next, Cledus steps to the scales. The guy has undergone an amazing transformation. Gone are the stupid hair color and glasses. He’s got darker hair, some plugs or grafts or something that don’t look crappy (at least from where we’re sitting), he’s lost weight, and is dressing better. The guy is pretty good looking, and three weeks ago, I’d have bet money that I never would have said that. Last weigh-in, he was at 190 and had a goal of three pounds, but the scales reveal he exceeded the goal and is down to 185. Not only is he down to 185, he now wears his shirt tucked in, something he hasn’t done in a long time. He expresses how grateful he is to the show, saying that it is one of his life’s defining moments, because he was in such bad shape before and now has hope. Dr. Ian does take him to task about the food he’s been eating; Cledus hasn’t given up on food like Tiffany, but does eat the very same thing every day. Cledus says he’s comfortable with the chicken and broccoli, because he knows what’s in it. Dr. Ian wants to set him up with another product-placed company who will deliver nutritious food to him. Cledus is okay with that; he just doesn’t want to have to fix it himself. Stacy then comments on how good Cledus is looking and Brat ruins the moment—and future Easter candy—by referring to him as “sexy white chocolate.” Cledus is looking good, but not that good.
Apparently, I should head to Promises.
Maureen is up next; she last weighed in at 127 and is down to 122 this time around. Her five-pound loss puts her at having lost 18.6% of her total body weight and is at the top of the list in percentage of body weight lost. She says her main motivation is wanting to feel good again. Stacy then asks Mo about her drinking the day before, and asks her if she knew what time it was she had her first drink. Stacy remembers for her: 11:25 a.m.—and then all but concludes that Maureen has a drinking problem. Maureen says that they were at a dance club, and she had half a shot of vodka before dancing to loosen up and have a good time. Hey, Stac, back off—if I were going to have to dance on national television, I’d need half a bottle of vodka to do it. Book me in next to LiLo & Brit, because if half a shot is having a problem, I’m screwed. Harvey lets Maureen set her own goal, as she has already reached her target weight. She sets it at 1 pound.
The cookie monster and the tucker.
Warren G. is up next, and he looks defiant as always. Last time around, he as 200 pounds and had a goal of 4 pounds, which he meets. He’s slightly disappointed, and thought he lost more than the four pounds. He does admit that he ate some cookies...oatmeal raisin cookies, some chocolate chip cookies, and a huge oatmeal cookie. The guy rattles off cookies like the shrimp guy on Forrest Gump. If this Fit Club thing doesn’t pan out, and the music business takes a dive, Warren G. has a shot at running out that evil Mrs. Fields (I don’t know how someone so thin can peddle cookies with more calories than a burger without being evil). Ian tells him that it’s okay to eat a cookie now and then, just not the whole bag. Whaaa?!?!?! If you’re eating cookies out of a bag, you’ve got the wrong kind of cookies, my friend. In any event, Harvey gives Warren a goal of two pounds for the next weigh-in.
The ever-bubbly Ross is up next. He was 191 last week and had a goal of four pounds to lose. He steps on the scale and is a light-as-a-feather 182 pounds, having lost nine. He’s through the roof surprised, declaring he weight 182 when he was born! (Poor Ross’s mom!) He is in second place, behind Maureen, having lost 15% of his body weight and, like her, is one of the fastest goal-reachers in the history of the show. He gets to set his own goal for the next week, and sets it at two pounds. Ross points out that he, like Cledus, tucked in his shirt with a belt for the first time for the weigh-in. He says it is un-com-fort-a-ble! but he wanted to do it because he can...he can be a tucker now. A tucker!!!!! The guy is seven kinds of excited about being a tucker.
Porn, recriminations, tears, threats and boredom.
After the preceding six weigh-ins, it is Dustin’s time to step up to the scale; why the producers haven’t wised up and left Dustin for dead last is anyone’s guess, because you know he’ll bring the drama. Foregoing any remaining pretence of unbiased recappage, I am going on the record and declaring that I cannot stand Dustin Diamond on Celebrity Fit Club. Maybe he is, as Brat says in this episode, a really nice guy when the cameras are off. However, it’s been his choice to play the villain card, and doing so, draws a poor comparison to Omarosa, Dr. Will, Wendy Pepper, Richard Hatch or any of the other iconic reality television villains. Instead, we’re left with a guy basically handing out the same excuses a sixteen year old boy would have for not doing his homework, with the corresponding level of unsophisticated sexual innuendo. He’s not even good trash TV anymore—he’s just dull.
Before he even steps on the scale, Ant calls Dustin on eating a donut earlier in the day. Videotape is produced to show Maureen expressing her disgust that Dustin isn’t taking the competition seriously and Dustin letting fly a series of curses against his teammates for being disappointed in him. No one addresses the larger question of why there were donuts on the set of Celebrity Fit Club, which leads me to conclude this whole mess is a set-up.
Dustin initially responds by finding hypocrisy in Dr. Ian’s earlier allowance that some people can cheat a little here and there on the diet but he is, apparently, not one of those people who is so allowed. Plus, he argues, Maureen drank vodka, and all vodka is, is “liquid calories.” (So is SlimFast, but I’m firmly in the pro-vodka league.) Ant points out that Maureen is well ahead of her weight-loss goal and Harvey reminds Dustin that he has done nothing but proclaim how much he is going to cheat, so Dustin does not raise a valid complaint or argument.
Dustin finally steps on the scales; last time he weighed in at 200 pounds and had a goal of four pounds to lose. It turns out that, in the intervening three weeks since the last weigh-in, he went up by five pounds—a stunning failure, says Dr. Ian. Ever finding an excuse at hand, Dustin says that he has had a hard three weeks, as he was at Sundance and he could not turn down free steak and lobster dinners being foisted upon him by producers. First, it is incredibly difficult to believe any producer would take him for an expensive dinner; second, since when did they start showing porn at Sundance? Robert Redford, you should be ashamed! That’s why they have Cannes! Dr. Ian tells him that everyone is on the road, and he is no different from anyone else.
Met with more competent arguments against his “cheating” and his “travel” excuses, Dustin then attacks the target weight set for him. He says that 183 is just unrealistic, too thin, and he carries weight differently than some people. As if psychic—or as if thoroughly orchestrated—Dr. Ian produces a handy BMI chart that shows the target weight for someone of Dustin’s height to be between the upper 130s to 183, and then points out that they actually set his goal at 184. Ian argues that Dustin should be concerned about his weight, especially because his father is very obese at 400 pounds and has health problems.
Ross chimes in and says that Dustin’s actions also disrespect his teammates. Maureen also speaks up and reminds Dustin that he said he was going to try harder. Ian makes it clear that Dustin didn’t try, what with all the lobster and steak. Dustin is aghast and says he never said he didn’t try, and that he did cut back here and there and work out. Brat wonders if the weigh-in Dustin is the real Dustin, or if it is the nice guy who stopped by her room the night before and had a good chat. She explains that the rest of the cast takes him to task because this is a weight-loss show and all he wants to talk about is how much he’s not into losing weight.
Stacy says it is the judges’ job to hold the contestants accountable; she finds it surprising that Dustin was at a porn convention in Las Vegas, and cues the tape of the event. Dustin was in Vegas promoting his tape as well as a personal product made from a cast of his, as Stacy put it, “member.” He was there with his girlfriend, who was also acting as his publicist, taking pictures of him with several porn stars and bringing him large hamburgers. The girlfriend doesn’t have any issues with the tape or the products, because “business is business.” Plus, she started out as a piece of “road ass” that turned out to be more, so clearly the girl has self-esteem issues. Dustin, addressing the camera, says that he’ll not be giving out any free products, except maybe to Kimberley, as he’s of the opinion she could use it.
After that little trip down vidoetape lane, Cledus gets up and leaves. He never says anything about it, but just leaves. I wish I had such a luxury, but alas, no. Stacy asks Dustin why he wants to be a porn star; he says he’s not a porn star but an opportunist, and this is a way for him to make a buck. Stacy finally makes the point that has been the elephant in the room since the second episode: she calls Dustin on chastising his cast mates for not caring that his “relationship” was in “jeopardy” because of the porn tape, but he’s out there promoting it with his girlfriend.
Tiffany walks out; Kimberley follows and is soon on the phone with her manager or someone, complaining about Dustin’s offer of a free adult toy. Dustin is an ass and was fairly crude on the tape, but she takes the reaction way too far and locks herself in the bathroom crying. Is everyone on this show sixteen? Maureen and Brat both eventually come in to the back room as well. The women try to get to Kimberley, and Cledus just sits there staring into space. Warren G. then leaves as well, leaving Ross as the only teammate willing to stay in the room. Either he’s fiercely loyal or he’s just in it for the action.
Dr. Ian then takes Dustin to task, calling him on his constant excuse-making. Harvey asks him what goal he will meet, and Dustin says maybe 195. Then Dustin again brings up the “bogus” call made by Ant the day prior, and says he challenged Ant to physical combat. This gets Harvey’s dander up. Harvey tells Dustin that he’ll have to go through him, not Ant, if he wants to do physical combat and that he will wear Dustin’s ass out. Dustin just casts a petulant, “Will ya?” in response, and Harvey shouts that he’s got a 3 pound goal for next weigh-in and directs him to get out now. Dustin says he doesn’t have to leave, and Harvey is even more wound up, shouting for someone to get Dustin out of there. This brings Brat back in and she and Dr. Ian are attempting to restrain and calm Harvey. This all leads me to think that something was edited out because no drill sergeant is going to get that worked up over a petulant “Will ya?” response. More shouting ensues, with Harvey telling Dustin he’s out of his part-time, cartoon mind. Dustin starts to walk away, and then the show ends...for now.
Anyone else wonder why Harvey is so protective of Ant? If so, drop me a PM.