Ugh, I don’t know about y’all, but I’m not really up for another Dustin shout fest like we had last week. I really dreaded tuning in this evening, because if it was just going to be Dustin threatening to quit and then being begged to stay, I don’t know if I could make it through the show. Nevertheless, steadying myself against a potential onslaught of expletives from the furry-headed ex child star, and hunkered down in front of my television set, I tentatively pressed “play” on the old VCR to see what mayhem the CFC folks would bring this week..
Boot to the head.
Day 43 of the Men versus Women edition starts out in sunny, snowy Keystone, Colorado, which looks to be just like any other quiet, little mountain town with a ski resort. The Clubbers assemble on two benches and Ant and Harvey address them. Ant comments that it is pretty cold out, which is apropos, as they are going to make the Clubbers do something pretty cold. Oh, Ant, you slay me! After about ten minutes, I recover from laughing at that joke to re-start the tape and learn that the team members must nominate one person from their own team to be sent over to the other team. No one likes this idea, and only after Ant declares that they have to vote, along with a stern look from Harvey, do the Clubbers take to writing down the name of the nominees on their individual note cards.
On the ladies’ team, Maureen votes to boot Kimberley. Kimberley votes to boot Tiffany, based on Tiffany’s performance in the kayak challenge. Tiffany votes to expel Kimberley, but worries that will give the men’s team an advantage. Brat nominates Maureen, but that’s not enough to turn the tide for Kimberley. She says she’s cool with the vote, but she’s really anxious to see who gets tossed off the men’s team.
Dustin nominates Ross to go to the ladies’ team, because Ross is such good friends with Maureen. Ross votes to boot Dustin because of Dustin’s weight loss philosophy. Cledus also chooses Dustin, as does Warren G. Warren says it is because he wants Cledus to go over and make friends with Brat, since he’s pals with both of them. Or maybe he just wants to see who will survive that fight to the death.
Dustin and Kimberley swap teams, after which Ant says that each of the swapped people can bring over one other person from their old team. Dustin brings over Ross and Kimberley brings over Brat. So, the teams are now Dustin, Ross, Maureen, and Tiffany (the Athletics) versus Warren G., Cledus, Kimberley, and Brat (the Regulators).
After the team mash up, Kimberley is happy with her team. Dustin is thrilled too, saying that the “big one” is gone, along with “the one who didn’t lose weight” and then starts saying something that sounded like it was going to be racist, but turned out to be homophobic and implied that Kimberley and Brat were more than just pals. From a guy who picked to join his team the only out guy on his team and sporting a giant white fur muff, that’s awful big talk, doncha think?
9,300 Feet of Fun.
With the teams all mixed up now, it is time for the challenge. They are up on the snowy mountain, and each team has to complete a three-part course and the team with the best time wins a pile of some random snow sports equipment that I know nothing about. Since it was 94 degrees here in the shade today, I have a hard time wrapping my brain around being in snow ever, and the thought of super cold weather boots is kind of a turnoff. The first part of the challenge will be cross-country skiing, then running/walking in snow shoes, and then riding a tube down the mountain to the finish line. That tube part sounds like fun, actually.
The first team up is the Regulators (i.e. Warren, Cledus, Brat, and Kimberley). The cross-country skiing goes pretty well, but they have trouble removing their skis and putting on the snow shoes because their hands are so cold and they have to wear giant gloves. Everyone bands together and gets the shoes on, and they dash off to the tubes. They have a grand time flying down to the bottom of the slope, and complete the course in 10 minutes, 3 seconds.
Dustin is already bragging that he’s going to take home all the snow loot (and undoubtedly wondering how much it’ll fetch on eBay). The Athletics take off and the first one to fall on the skis is Dustin. No one wants to help him up, and no one helps one another when they all have the snow shoe problems the Regulators had. Maureen falls several times on the snow shoes, as does Dustin. Maureen helps out Dustin somewhat, but Tiffany and Ross are far ahead working on their own. Eventually they all get to the tubes and slide in to the finish line. Unfortunately, their time is 10 minutes, 49 seconds; they lose and the world is spared “Genuine Dustin Diamond” snow boots auctions.
Imported Hair and a Love Machine…No, not Bruce Willis on “Friends.”
It is now Day 44, and time for the weigh-in. Ant informs us that this is the first road trip CFC has ever done, and they are not going to have the giant scales tonight. Plus, they are conducting the weigh-in in the restaurant of the resort where they are staying. I’m sure we can all appreciate that irony. Of course, never ones to miss out on a free ski trip, Ian, Stacy and Harvey are all in attendance.
First up is Cledus; he was 194 last time and had a goal of losing four pounds, which he accomplished. He said that he had a hard time keeping up with his exercise routines while he was on the road so he got his tour bus to drop him off and drive a mile, and he’d catch up with it. Dr. Ian isn’t convinced this is the best exercise plan ever. He’s also got a new look—darker hair and no crazy glasses—which he attributes to working out and working hard to trim down Maybe it’s the hair and the lack of ladies’ glasses, but Cledus actually looks attractive. He said he came out to LA to get his physical act together, and he’s even got some new hair coming. Coming from where, I don’t know, and I’m not sure I want to.
Ross steps on the scales next; he had a goal of four pounds whic he exceeded, dropping seven pounds to 191. Ross is excited, and finds the numbers insane. Stacy asks him if he’s still worried that he won’t be funny now that he’s not fat. Ross says he’s accepted that he is what he is—a chiseled love machine. Of course, this inspires everyone to assure him that he is indeed funny. Stacy then asks how the weight loss will make a difference to Ross. He says that it won’t make a professional difference, but will make a personal difference. Either she’s pretending to be as thick as a wall, or Stacy is stupid as one, because she asks what he means by that. Brat pipes up that it means more dates, which Ross quickly corrects to say not more dates, but just sleeping with more people. He then laughs that off and says that he has more confidence. Harvey gives him another four pound goal.
Tears and tragedy...on Mother’s Day, no less.
Kimberley weighs in next. She was 165 last time and she is now down to 160, losing her goal five pounds. She’s a bit surprised, since a lot was going on since the last weigh-in. It turns out her grandmother died on New Year’s Eve, and they buried her on Kimberley’s birthday. She’s had to be there for her mother and is still grieving. Kimberley tears up while talking about her grandmother, which causes Stacy to give her some placating words. I genuinely feel bad for Kimberley, because she had one of the hardest jobs a daughter can have. Harvey sets the goal for her next weigh-in at another four pounds.
Maureen steps up next; she was in at 132 last time, and had a goal of 3 pounds. She lost five more pounds, as it turns out, and is down to 127, which is only two pounds shy of her original goal. I want to know what Maureen is doing. She’s either going at this full-on, or she’s got the metabolism of a woman one fifth her age. Stacy then delves into why she teared up Kimberley’s story about her grandmother. Maureen says it reminded her of losing her own mother, which wasn’t that long ago, and whom they buried on Maureen’s birthday. Maureen still really misses her mother, and who could blame her for getting teary-eyed. Stacy is a bit of a bitch, no? I doubt she’s even heard of Elisabeth Kubler-Ross. Anyway, Harvey gives Maureen a three pound goal. She gets a small goal because she’s already lost 15.3% of her body weight, and is at the head of the class.
This show is for the dogs.
Everyone’s favorite slacker, Brat, is up next. She was at 164 pounds last time, having lost nothing from the prior meeting, and had a six pound goal. Unfortunately, she only lost three pounds. This small loss incites a big ole kiss from Cledus, who threatens to do more if she loses six pounds for real. Dr. Ian points out that, while any loss is progress, there are problems with Brat’s weight loss, as she’s lost the least amount of weight, percentage-wise. Brat answers that she’s been in Chicago for work and staying with her family. The family cooks constantly and gives her a guilt trip if she doesn’t eat some of everything. Stacy says Brat is just making excuses, and tells her to stay on track. Harvey then introduces the tape of his new exercise experience chosen for Brat.
It seems that Harvey, the producers, or Brat thought it would be good for her to exercise by going dog sledding. Or, perhaps this was supposed to be one of the Ross moments, but he vetoed it, as he was busy being the chiseled love machine that he is. Brat met with the trainer, learned the basics, and then took off with the dogs out front, the trainer in the seat, and Brat operating the controls. She screamed the entire ride, but looked to be having a great time, until they slammed into a tree. I sure hope the trainer was okay.
After that hi-larious video, Harvey gives Brat a goal of losing five more pounds. Then something odd happens—a bit was missing, I think—but suddenly we have Dr. Ian and Ant betting Brat that she can’t lose seven pounds, but if she does, they’ll each pay up $100. Harvey gets in on the action, betting that she can’t lose eight pounds. Brat is sure she’s going to do it, because she doesn’t want to have to pay all three of them if she loses.
It is not wise to insult Barbara Bush or wear ill-fitting clothing.
Warren G. steps up to the scales next. He was 206 had a goal of five pounds, which he exceeds. He’s now down to 200, and he can’t believe it because he’s been eating some steaks, had been to Wendy’s and ate a burger. Ian says it is okay to eat food he likes, but Warren needs to curb the alcohol intake. Harvey tells Warren that he came in looking like Reggie Bush in the first episode but his performance on the slopes made him look like Barbara Bush. I don’t remember the white pearls, but so be it. After those harsh words, he gives Warren a goal of losing another four pounds.
Our favorite flying-under-the-radar contestant, Tiffany, has the honor of going next. Ant reminds her and us that when Tiffany started the show, she complained that she was so out of shape, she was left out of breath when singing. To see if she’s improved any, the CFC crew follows her to Vegas where she has a show. She’s wearing this awful silver “let’s go clubbing” dress, cut down to her navel, offering no support, and making her look thicker than she is. It is not a good look, especially from the side, and that’s when the camera guy kept shooting her. We’re treated to about 20 seconds of Tiffany “singing” and I’m not sure why she’d be out of breath at all, since she seemed to be singing along with the tape of herself.
Back at the weigh-in, we learn that Tiffany is down five pounds to 137. She is shocked at the loss, since she’s been so tired and losing motivation for her workouts. Harvey asks her about this, and she says she used to be happy to get up at eight and go work out, but now when she goes, her trainer pushes her harder and harder each time so that it’s wearing her out. Harvey says he’ll have a chat with the trainer. I hope we get to hear that next week!
Possibly the last time we see the “good” Dustin.
Last up is our problem child, Dustin. He was still at 208 last week, and had a five pound goal. It turns out that he dropped eight pounds, and Maureen is very proud of him. Dr. Ian brings up the last weigh-in, where he and Dustin bumped heads. He wants to be perfectly clear to Dustin that they were frustrated because they know he is a smart guy succeed, but they needed to lock him in to the commitment. Dustin admits that they’ll still bump heads because he is not going to completely follow the diet. Stacy then asks him if he feels good to be part of a team, to which Dustin answers that he changes from day to day, so it is all going to depend on what he is given (by the nice men in the white coats). He is then given a goal loss of six pounds, which causes Dustin to freak out a bit, arguing back and forth about what his real overall target weight loss is supposed to be. Ian stops him short in an attempt to leave the weigh-in ceremony on high note.
As there is no giant scales to step on, Ant merely announces that the Athletes have lost 25 pounds and the Regulators lost 21 pounds. The Athletes have lost 10.6% of their cumulative body weight, while the Regulators have lost only 9.20%. The Athletes are somewhat ahead—undoubtedly due to Maureen’s fabulous metabolism—but there are still four weeks to go.
Be sure to tune in next week when Dustin baits Harvey, who goes off the deep end. Was that a tear in Harvey’s eye I saw? Say it ain’t so!