Ooohh, I’m excited. The promos for tonight’s episode have been hinting around that Dustin walks off the show, and I can barely contain my glee that it may just come to pass. Of course, we are all well-aware of VH1’s spoiler practices, and what they promise, they rarely deliver. But a girl can have hope, can’t she?
Day 29: The Kayak Challenge
We join the cast on their third Celebrity Fit Club challenge. This time around, they are going to race kayaks at the Long Beach Marina. It’s still men versus women, but Ant and Harvey are quick to tell us that they’ve studied up on the Olympics kayak challenges, so they know how much of a lead to give the ladies so that the challenge is equal. There will be four matches, and, if a tie, they’ll have a tie-breaker match. In essence, they have to paddle down a ways, turn around at a flag, and come back. The winners of the challenge will all get trips to Waikiki Beach, which is apparently a great motivator, because who doesn’t want a free trip to Hawaii?
Before anyone starts to race, the Clubbers have a few lessons to learn how to paddle and make turns. The practice time gives Dustin an opportunity to talk some more smack about Kimberley, saying that the paddling is good for her and the wet suit helps with her jiggle. It doesn’t help with his ugly beard, but no one is there to point that out, so it must be said here.
The first match, capturing all of the suspense of an episode of Battle of the Network Stars circa 1982, pegs Warren G. against Maureen. Warren says that if he can’t beat a fifty-year-old woman, then something is seriously wrong with him. Surely enough, he does beat her handily, because Maureen has trouble making the turn around the flag and has to go back and do it over. The second match, between Tiffany and Ross, pretty much plays out the same way. So the men are up 2-0.
In the third challenge, Kimberley faces off with Dustin; it’s real show-down time. Kimberley hands Dustin his ass, and beats him outright. Revenge is a great motivator, isn’t it? In the final pairing, Brat and Cledus go at it, and Brat squeezes out a victory. The match is all tied up at 2-2.
The tie-breaker match once again pits Maureen against Warren. Maureen really REALLY wants to win the trips for her team. Maybe she can, once and for all, settle the mystery of the ancient tiki if she wins the challenge. Things look great for Maureen, and the turn goes well, but Warren G. comes from behind in the last leg and overpowers her kayak, securing victory for the men.
The weigh-in, before everyone got twitchy.
With amazing speed of editing, we are now on Day 30 and ready for the third weigh-in. Of course, the usual panel is present: Dr. Ian, Stacy, and Harvey. Ant starts off the proceedings by pointing out that Maureen had a tough loss to Warren and cost her team the trips to Hawaii. Cledus interrupts Ant’s bout of borderline bitchiness, and says that he is awe of Maureen, as she has given everyone hours and hours of happiness based on her Brady shows, and he wants to give her his trip to Hawaii. Either he really wants that tiki myth busted or he’s not relishing the notion of flying to a tropical locale, trapped in a plane for hours, and risking a run-in with Dustin. Maureen is somewhat abashed by the offer, but Cledus does not back down.
Being the recipient of such generosity merits Maureen the first trip to the scales, where we’re reminded that she was down to 139 pounds last time and had a goal of a four-pound weight loss. She exceeded her goal and dropped seven so she’s down to 132. Dr. Ian points out that she only has seven more pounds to her goal of 125, so he asks if she wants to revise the goal. She does and sets it at 118, which Dr. Ian is okay with. Stacy, in an attempt to demonstrate her relevance to the proceedings, asks why Maureen teared up earlier, and Maureen says she’s still upset at her loss from the day before, because she’s such a perfectionist. Harvey then gives her a goal of losing three pounds for the next weigh-in.
Ross is up next; he was at 199 when we last saw him and had a goal to lose four pounds. Unfortunately for Ross, he only dropped one pound and is down to 198. Dr. Ian explains that since he lost so much the last time, his body likely doesn’t want to loose weight so it’ll be all the harder. Stacy then relates that Ross called her in a panic from the store where he was found to be trying out nearly every scale in the joint to see what will give him the best outcome. Ross says he wants to kick Fat Ross’s ass—the overweight, jovial side of his public image he’s had to contend with for years—and get motivated. This sets up the perfect segue into the now-standard “Let’s Go To the Gym with Ross” montage. This time, he’s left his sparring buddy at home and, in stead, takes his iPod chock full of motivational phrases from Harvey where he hilariously (or what passes for hilarious on Leno) works out all the while commenting on Harv’s motivational bon mots. After that benign video footage, Harvey gives Ross a goal of another four pound loss for the next weigh-in.
Cledus gets to the scales next. He was at 202 pounds last time and was asked to lose four pounds. In fact, he dropped five and is down to 197. He says that he attributes his loss to eating regularly for the first time in a long time and working out at least five times a week. Stacy then comments that it’s a wonderful thing of him to give his Hawaii trip away to Maureen but wonders if it isn’t also done out of his fear of flying. Cledus admits he hates to fly based on what sounds to be a horrific experience of getting tossed around the cabin of a jet at 30,000 feet and facing certain death. He wants to get over the flying fear so he can get home to see his kid more often and admits his big fear is that something will happen to his daughter that would require him to fly home and he’d be unable to do so. Stacy points out that he will one day deal with the flying issue, and that it’s completely understandable, given what he’s been through. She says he needs to be proud at what he’s accomplished thus far and Harvey give him a goal of another four pounds. After all of that, we’re fairly on Cledus’ side as a sympathetic character and then VH1 has to ruin the moment by showing that pic of him in the bright blue speedos. This attack on humanity must be stopped!
Dustin: Clearly the producer’s choice.
Dustin’s turn before the judges is next, but before he can step on the scales, Ant shows the Clubbers the footage Dustin shot after the last weigh-in, where he called Brat “gangsta,” Kimberley a “big girl,” and Cledus crazy. As everyone else tries to pick their jaws up off the floor, Ant asks Dustin if he was just speaking in the moment or if the comments captured how he really felt. Dustin says that is how he really felt and he stands behind his comments. Ant then asks the others how they felt, starting with Brat. She calls Dustin on saying nothing directly to the people he has issues with and only taking it up with the camera on a one-on-one. Kimberley refuses to make any comment at all on Dustin’s comments. Cledus, however, is not so circumspect and opines that he’d gladly do a ten day stretch in the slammer for “whooping” Dustin’s ass. After that, Cledus and Dustin have a shouting match, and all that I care about is poor Ross, who is seated between the two of them. The shout-down culminates with Dustin saying that it is wrong for Cledus to threaten physical violence (although apparently watching someone drown would be okay) to which Cledus replies that he thinks its wrong to save your house by selling stupid tee shirts. He then wonders what happened to the calm, amiable guy from the previous day’s kayaking trip.
At this point, Kimberley has had enough and explodes. She says that Dustin’s two-facedness is exactly what the big problem is: he’s nice to your face and then talks crap about you to the camera. She proclaims he’s got some kind of sickness, and says that though she may have lost American Idol, she’s not some washed up child star, selling tee shirts to make ends meet. She’s got work and an album coming out, damn it!
Abruptly, Ant finally moves things along and gets Dustin to the scale. He weighs in at 208 pounds, having lost nothing despite having a five pound goal. Dustin doesn’t believe he hasn’t lost anything. Dr. Ian also is fed up with Dustin and tells him he doesn’t know how much more time they are going to waste on him because he’s not trying in the least. Dustin argues with him, but then we get to see some videotape of Dustin with a reporter. No, not that kind of videotape, but footage of him being interviewed at a restaurant by some small town reporter when he was in New Hampshire for a stand-up gig. He orders a big plate of beer battered calamari, a 12 ounce steak, and what appears to be a pint. And he eats it all.
After the videotape, Dr. Ian says that Dustin needs to be part of the program or get out; he’s willing to wipe the slate clean if Dustin just makes a commitment to the program. Dustin, however, says that he is disgusted with the whole process and is tired of being ganged up on by the contestants and the judges. Stacy asks him why he’s isolating himself from everyone in the Fit Club and why he did it as a kid. Dustin takes off his microphone and says he didn’t sign up for all of this, and threatens to leave the show. Harvey gets tough on Dustin and tells him he shouldn’t be a quitter and should take it like a man and give the program his attention. Dustin then walks off, saying he’s done and doesn’t care if he’s a quitter.
Wasting more than just Tiffany’s time.
After Dustin’s exit from the weighing room, Kim is thrilled that he’s gone. Tiffany, who has hardly said two words this entire episode, finds the whole outburst very insulting. Kim cuts to the heart of the matter and says Dustin enjoys playing the victim and it is time he grows up. Ant convinces Warren G. to go talk to Dustin to get him back in the program. (As an aside, is anyone else creeped out by Ant’s obvious eye job? He constantly looks surprised, and with this bunch, there’s nothing shocking.)
Warren finds Dustin in the back room on the cell phone, ostensibly talking to his manager about quitting the show. Perhaps he really called the time/weather line, because if he had a manager, he’d not be on this show. Warren tells Dustin he should just ignore the comments made by the others and stick with the program. Ross comes in to help convince Dustin to stay, which elicits the oldest defense in the sociopath’s book: Dustin claims he was not trying to be mean but only truthful. Ross points out that the words were hurtful and looks shocked Dustin couldn’t see how he was being rude. He then says that Cledus shouldn’t have threatened him physically. Warren laughs the threats off as joking and says that Cledus isn’t going to do anything.
Meanwhile, in the weigh-in room, Harvey and Dr. Ian exchange meaningful “I told you so” looks, which gives the clear impression Dustin was cast on the show merely for the drama. Tiffany, mindful of the clock and the time wasted, wants want to get the show on the road. Finally, Ant goes in and tells Dustin everyone’s willing to call a truce if they can just get done with the taping. Dustin agrees to go sit down again because he doesn’t have a driver there to take him home. Thank god that’s over, but, really, this show would be more interesting if all of the cast members had time for their own, individual psychoses to come out, rather than just dwelling on Dustin.
Speediest weigh-ins in the west.
Dustin’s drama has wasted so much time, we only get a quick version of the remaining four weigh-ins, and, frankly, I’m glad. Kimberley started at 165 from last week and only lost two pounds. Dr. Ian notes her disappointment, and Harvey gives her goal of a five pound loss for the next meeting. Stacy advises that everyone acknowledge their emotions and push through the negativity, or some psychobabble along those lines.
Warren G., previously weighing in at 206, dropped only three pounds. He’s chastised by Harvey for almost letting a fifty year old woman kick his ass in the kayak tie-breaker. Tiffany only dropped one pound, and was down to 141, blaming her lapse on going back to some old habits and being sick. Finally, Brat lost nothing and stayed at 166. She blamed her non-loss on working the club scene and not being able to resist the siren song of intoxicating liquors.
Finally, it’s time for everyone to get on the giant scales. The women are down ten pounds and the men are down nine for the weigh in. On a weight loss percentage basis, the women are down 7.23% (cumulative) and the men are down 6.58% (cumulative). So the ladies are still ahead, but it is a very close race.
Next time, the Clubbers will meet Harvey at 11,000 feet in the Colorado mountains. And, with luck, re-enact Cannibal! The Musical—after all, someone must be voted off.