First, let me thank Amanda for covering last week’s premiere episode of Men vs. Women. I needed to skip town for a few days and she was lovely enough to tackle the first show, even knowing full well who was in the cast—I’m lookin’ at you Dustin Diamond. Last week saw Da Brat make googlie eyes at Harvey, Dustin fighting fat with truth and logic, and everyone else wondering who was going to throw the first punch in the Brat v. Dustin fight. My money’s on Dustin, since he cleaned up on Celebrity Boxing, but Brat is scrappy. Some weeks have passed since that first weigh-in, and it’s time again to see how our Fit Club contestants are doing.
Nothing says “winner” like a block of cheese.
We rejoin the cast on Day 17, when the Fit Clubbers meet for a day of challenges. They go to Big Rock Creek Camp and have to go on a 3.3 mile hike at something like 5,500 feet elevation. I’d be out right there--I live at about 53 feet off of sea level and a weekend in Denver nearly killed me and it involved no more hiking than going down the street to a Rite Aid. On this hike, the two teams will encounter two separate challenges that will build team togetherness. Whichever team gets back first wins the prize of a swanky elliptical machine and a strength trainer machine. Maybe each team member gets the prizes, or maybe they have to share. It’s unclear; what is clear is that former celebrities certainly do enjoy free stuff. See, they’re not that different from the rest of us common people.
Before the teams depart on their treks, some guy shows them how to read a compass, which proves to be quite the challenge for most of them. Dustin scoffs at his fellow contestants’ troubles, saying he’s been reading a compass for years. Undoubtedly he developed the skill when his parents would abandon him in the woods for a moment or two of silence. After the compass trainer guy leaves, the women have tons of trouble finding the start of the trail and end up following Dustin for a bit. Kimberley isn’t happy with doing so, and suggests that they start over again on their own.
After a while, the teams find the trails and go on their separate ways—the ladies head east and the men head west, all on the same circular path. The women come to their first challenge before the men get to theirs. The challenge is that they all have to climb over a rope that is suspended about three feet off the ground, but the trick is they all have to be in physical contact with each other throughout. Kimberley uses her cheerleading experience for good (rather than the typical cheerleading evil), and gets everyone over the rope. The men then get to their first challenge, which involves using wooden planks to connect cinder blocks and make a bridge to cross a path. Warren G. figures out the trick of putting two boards to get across, and they are on their way. I don’t really know who this Warren G. guy is, but I like him. He seems pretty cool and not about making too much unnecessary drama.
While the women had a bit of a lead from the first challenge, they accidentally get off thetrail and are delayed a bit by having to backtrack. The men are similarly delayed because Warren G. has altitude issues and can’t go as fast up a hill due to the thin air. They two teams pass each other, Shaun of the Dead style, at the half-way mark. On the back end, the women have more trouble with the cinder blocks and planks challenge than the men do with the getting over the rope challenge so the men end up winning. Cledus attributes the win to working out twice a day for four weeks. (Twice a day for four weeks? Someone get this dude something for his OCD!) Dustin attributes it to pizza, Wisconsin cheese, and beer. Apparently, Dustin’s beer gut was responsible for his particular success.
Porn and chicken.
The women are assigned cooking duties for the camping Clubbers, not as some sort of antiquated notion of a woman’s place, but because they lost the challenge. Brat is working the grill and the food looks quite good. While the ladies are fixing the food, the guys are just sitting around inside the cabin chatting. Dustin is going on about how he does not want to get down to his goal weight of 187 pounds. He says he will be to skinny and he played Screech for too long. A quick nip over to imdb proves him correct and makes Showgirls seem like a good idea. Ross is concerned by Dustin’s comments; Ross really wants to win and thinks Dustin’s attitude will bring the team down.
Once the food is done, everyone eats together at a large, horse-shoe shaped table. Dustin, sitting in the middle of the table, apparently feels he’s king of the proceedings and starts talking about his porn tape. He paints himself as the victim of someone who got hold of a four year old tape and released it for profit and he’s feeling the fall out in his four year old relationship. Maybe my memory is shaky, but I could have sworn Dustin did press promoting the tape, so the whole “poor me” bit is quite disingenuous. Dustin directs most of his comments to Brat, but it’s not like the others can turn off their ears, so they simply ignore him. Cledus finally tries to change the topic, finding the porn chat not so much appropriate for dinner conversation. Immediately Dustin jumps all over him for disrespecting him, for not taking seriously how his relationship has been affected and so on. It rapidly becomes apparent that if the conversation isn’t about Dustin, it’s a personal attack on Dustin.
After dinner, the cast gives confessional interviews outside and Dustin hangs out on the porch of the cabin eavesdropping. He is upset when he hears Kimberley and Brat talk about how they didn’t care for the discussion of the porn tape at dinner. If the guy can’t take some fairly light criticism, it is no wonder he’s not had a real job in some time. Not everyone likes to talk about their porn tapes a dinner. I’m sure Emily Post would suggest waiting at least until dessert.
The part where the Charm School girls look refined and dignified by comparison.
Maureen gets Dustin back in the cabin where she and Ross try to calm him down to keep the peace. Neither of them really take his side, but just want him to get over his little snit. His problem is mainly with Kimberley, saying that he’s not going to spend sixteen more weeks being bashed and not respected, since he’s had twenty-two years in the business. He says that Kimberley is barking with the big dogs and she’s not a big dog. Maureen gently and accurately points out that none of them are ‘big dogs’ any more and they have all made a commitment to the show. This devolves into Dustin going on a “&$%*! you” rant for what seemed like ten minutes but probably was only about 45 seconds of screen time. He also threatens to leave the show. From his lips to the producers’ ears!
Ross has had it with trying to calm Dustin down and seeks out Cledus and Warren. He wants to apprise them of Dustin’s threats to leave the show. Cledus doesn’t have any sympathy for Dustin’s little rant because he is greatly missing his two year old child who is living across the country from him. Warren G. couldn’t care less if Dustin stayed or left. Warren G. is just too cool for all of this. He needs to fire his agent.
Maureen finally calms Dustin down a bit, getting him past the screaming part of his rant, and Dustin whines that he doesn’t think
his daddy loves himCledus wants him around. Why that should matter is anyone’s guess. In undoubtedly a produced move, Cledus then comes in, as if on cue, to talk to Dustin. Cledus explains that Dustin kind of pissed everyone off last time he was around with the way he was disrespectful to Kimberley and her admitted addiction to food, specifically pizza. Dustin deflects Cledus’ rational portrayal of the facts, and proclaims that people cannot, in fact, be addicted to food and that there is no way Kimberley went through the DTs or anything by giving up pizza. Cledus then loses it and tells Dustin that he’s just annoyed everyone, is crass and unkind. Cledus exits the cabin before they come to blows and, thankfully we go to commercial.
It’s Day 18 of the Celebrity Fit Club challenge, and the contestants are up for a weigh-in. Ant is there, hosting the whole ceremony, and Dr. Ian Smith, Stacy Kaiser, psychotherapist, and Drill Sergeant Harvey Walden, IV are all present. Ant comments on all the drama from the prior night from the Clubbers. Kimberley sums it up by saying that Dustin was eager to tell Brat all about his recent “publicity” but most people didn’t really want to hear it. Dustin pathetically says his feelings were hurt by the others’ reaction to the sorrowful tale of his sex tape. Dustin’s problem is that he’s on the wrong show; he should be on the Surreal Life where people do far more disgusting things than discuss their sex tapes at the dinner table. Brat is a bit less filtered than Kimberley, and says that Dustin was intent on proving that he was “King Kong long dong” which was a stupid move, and she’s simply not going to communicate with him any more.
With that, it’s time for the first weigh-in of the night and it’s Dustin. He’s been professing a diet of whatever he wants, and had a five pound loss goal from his initial 217 pounds. As it turns out, he lost nine pounds and was down to 208. Dustin says that it’s good to hear he lost weight. Dr. Ian, however, has reviewed Dustin’s food diary and finds it a tad incredible that he allegedly ate all manner of crap and didn’t exercise, yet still lost nine pounds. Dustin says he maybe got the portion sizes wrong or something, but Dr. Ian is just not buying it. Stacy then mines the field of mental anguish and pulls out some fleeces Dustin had made for his team. There is an exchange about his behavior pushing people away and whining about how badly everyone else treated him. Dustin fails to take responsibility for his actions in any way, shape or form. Harvey insists that he’s there for the long term and give him a five pound loss goal for the next weigh-in.
Suddenly, it’s time to chose team captains. On the men’s side, Dustin votes for Ross, Ross votes for Warren G., Cledus votes for himself, and Warren G. votes for himself. The Ross/Warren G. block carries the day, and Warren is team captain of the men’s team. For some reason they call themselves the Regulators. Maybe they’re huge Young Guns fans. The women have it together already, and unanimously pick Kimberley as the team captain because she used her cheerleading experience to get everyone over the rope in the prior day’s challenge. They call themselves the Shady Lady Bunch. Alrighty, then.
The women’s team captain is up next for the weigh-in. Last time around, Kimberley weighed 176 pounds and had a five pound loss goal. After stepping on the scale, she is weighing in at 167, with a loss of nine pounds. She says she’s not only been into the discipline, but she’s also met a guy at her ten year high school reunion and they’ve been dating for the past several weeks. Harvey gives her a four pound goal for the next week and hopes she continues to motivate her team.
Ross is up next; coincidentally, he reminds me a lot of the guy I went with to my ten year class reunion. Ross had confessed to a fear of exercising, so the show sent him to learn boxing with Warren G. Well, that’s certainly one way to go, but probably wouldn’t be my first choice for Ross. It does, however, give Ross the chance to do his Leno shtick in the boxing gym. For the third grade rope jumping champion, he struggles with even basic rope kipping. But Ross, being Ross, is in an upbeat mood for the boxing lesson, even if Warran G. doesn’t think the work out was all that strenuous, despite Ross’s good effort. After the video diary of the boxing lesson, Ross steps up to the scale. He weighed in at 214 last time and had a four pound goal, which he handily beats, coming in at 199 pounds. His fifteen pound drop is quite the remarkable feat, and the most weight lost of the night. He’s given a goal of losing another four pounds for the next meeting.
Warren G., sparing partner to Ross the Intern, ambles up to the scales next. At the last weigh-in, he was 221 pounds and was given a goal of a five pound loss. This week, he comes in at 209, having lost 12 pounds. Dr. Ian takes a few jabs at Warren, pulling out a plate of fried chicken and a bottle of cognac. Apparently in the weeks between weigh-ins, Warren called Dr. Ian several times to see if he could get either or both as approved foods for his diet. Warren said he finally decided to cut all of the foods he wanted, but Dr. Ian is quick to point out that he doesn’t need to cut them out entirely, but to be judicious in what he eats—like taking the skin off the fried chicken before eating it. That’s just plain good advice, because chicken skins are gross. He’s given a goal of four more pounds to win for the next weighing ceremony.
MarshaMaureen gets her go at the scales after Warren. She registered 150 lbs. Last time around and had a goal of 4 pounds to lose. Lucky Mo was actually down 11 to 139 pounds. If there really are 16 more weeks of this, let’s hope Maureen doesn’t get down too low. Stacy, the alleged psychotherapist, rehashes the painful details Maureen shared with us last time—her mother’s passing, her brother’s institutionalization—and delves back into the well of personal pain that every former child star has. This time around, Stacy gets Maureen to admit that she was a bulimic for about 10 years in her teens. Stacy, clearly fishing for a story of redemption at the hands of some other alleged therapist, asks how Maureen beat the bulimia. Maureen merely says she decided it wasn’t a good thing to do and quit based on inner strength. Stacy patronizingly tells her that she was “one of the lucky ones.” Hey, maybe Florence Henderson helped her—doesn’t she have some kind of therapy license these days? She’s told to lose four more pounds for the next weigh-in.
Tiffany of the Bad Hair follows Maureen; she’s also wearing a fat girl faux kimono dress in too many colors. Last time around, Tiffany was 152 pounds and was told to drop four. Clearly she could fit in the regular clothes section at her weight, so she’s got no excuse; the stupid kimono does nothing for her except distract from the terrible color job. She steps on the scale and is down to 143 pounds, a nine pound loss. She isn’t thrilled, and Ian calls her on this. She confesses she wanted a bigger loss, but Ian puts it into perspective saying that no one would be healthy if they dropped all the weight at the beginning of the competition.
Cledus, not to be outdone by Tiffany’s hideous dress, shows up at the weigh-in session wearing a shirt that contains more bright colors than ought to allowable by law and bright turquoise spectacles. He looks insane, and that perception isn’t helped by the footage of him going grocery shopping with Stacy. He apparently has issues with going to the grocery store that induces panic attacks; Stacy talks him through picking out apples and making a salad from the salad bar at the grocery store. Clearly he has different issues about shopping than I do, because I will not buy anything from the salad bar at the grocery store—it’s nasty to think about all those people touching the food. Anyway, last time Cledus was before the panel, he weighed in at 214 pounds and had a four pound goal, which he exceeded by getting down to 202 pounds. They give him another four pound goal and we’re treated to the truly disturbing image of Cledus in a bright blue Speedo when his statistics appear on screen. A thousand years could pass, and that image would never be necessary.
Last but not least, Da Brat comes up to be weighed. She, ostensibly, was 172 pounds last time and had a five pound goal. Where she was hiding that weight is beyond me, because she doesn’t look any heavier than Maureen or Tiffany. The verdict is she lost eight pounds, down to 164, and she’s thrilled. Then she shares a disgusting fun fact that she called Dr. Ian several times because she was having problems with flatulence. And that’s all I’m gonna say about that. She’s given a five pound goal for next time. She’s also asked about the Dustin situation, and she says that he’s clearly admitted he’s only there for camera time.
Kimberley warning: Don’t go to the lake with Dustin!
After the weighing ceremony Ant, ever one to stir the pot, asks Dustin if he has any rebuttal to all the comments made about him. He says that it’s asinine to think he’s there for anything but to lose weight. Of course, everyone rolls their eyes at this declaration, and Cledus doesn’t want to have any more to do with this particular topic of discussion. There’s some bickering back and forth but it is the same arguments as before. Finally it is time for the everyone to get on the giant scales.
Before that can happen, Dustin corners the camera guy and goes off on a diatribe against his castmates. He calls Kimberley as a loser on another show and goes on about how Kimberley isn’t going to lose weight because she’s a big girl, and goes so far as to say if Kimberley drowned tonight, he wouldn’t care. Then he says Brat is just gangsta and Cledus can’t even go to the grocery store, and proclaims them all screwed up. Well, that’s not the term he used, but close enough. Dustin has gone from annoyingly trying to grab the attention for himself to sociopath. He needs someone more qualified that Psychotherapist/Personality Stacy to help him.
Luckily the diatribe finally ends and everyone is standing on the scales, all men-vs.-women-y. The men, as anyone with half a whit of math skills could tell you, lost 48 pounds to the women’s 37. But, this season, they’re going by percentage lost, and the women lost a slight bit more—5.69% to the men’s 5.54%. It’s early, so it’s either team’s game, but the women are ecstatic.
Next week, Dustin again throws a snit and threatens to walk off. Good grief, how pathetic do you have to be to be emulating Danny Bonaduce and be doing so poorly?