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Thread: 8/21 Recap – Spandex and Feathers and Sequins, Oh My

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    8/21 Recap – Spandex and Feathers and Sequins, Oh My

    Welcome to the latest episode of Celebrity Fit Club! Last week, we saw the celebs go through boot camp Harvey-style and there was a team shake-up, as the celebs voted for Toccara and Gary to join the opposing teams. It was a toss up as to which team got the short end of the stick in that deal. Maybe we’ll have an answer by the end of this episode.

    Throwing a Little Weight Around
    It’s Day 70 of Fit Club and the producers have come up with a very special Fit Camp to torture both the celebs and the viewers. The celebs, with Harvey and Ant in tow, head over to Hollywood Aerial Arts to take on the trapeze. They meet Trapeze Director, Ray Pierce, who will help put them through their paces. First though, to make sure their humiliation (and our horror) is complete, the celebs must suit up in costumes last worn by the touring company of La Cage Aux Folles. Each team is outfitted in spandex in their team colors, with sequins and feathers thrown in for style. This is especially bad news for Phil…. and those of us who have to look at Phil. It. Is. Not. Good. There’s a lot of body hair, people. A LOT.

    Before they take to the air and try out the trapeze, the celebs takes turns contorting themselves on what looks like a big slingshot. The camera angles can only be described as gynecological. There should have been one of those warnings at the top of the show about content – this one should have warned viewers off eating during the episode.

    The Blue Team takes this moment to announce that Toccara has been voted as their new leader. They cheer each other on and dance around like released hostages. Cut to Gary, standing with his new team and yammering on about how nothing changes but the changes.

    It’s time for everyone to hit the trapeze. The celebs will be scored on a scale of 1 to 10. Basically, they have to swing themselves back and forth a few times, flip over and land on their feet in the net below. Each person is attached to a harness, so there’s not really any danger involved. Just utter embarrassment.

    The scores falls out this way:
    Willie – 9.2 (I snicker like a bully as the instructor tells Willie to “stand tall”)
    Jackée, who says they’d better have a porta-potty ready – 9.0
    Victoria – 9.4
    Wendy, who falls off and then announces that she has the wedgie of a lifetime – 8.0
    Gary, who almost loses his pants (again) – 8.3
    Toccara – 9.6
    Phil and Jani opt out – Jani because his rib injury is still bothering him and Phil because, well….just because.

    Toccara wins the challenge, as does her team. Each team member will receive 2 NEC fitness phones, an MP3 player and a fitness watch. When are the fitness refrigerators coming, ‘cause I think those would be much more useful.

    Weigh-in results
    Before the weigh-in begins, the Blue Team announces that they will no longer be called the Crunch-O-Matics. They are now to be called The Winners. This is like when fifth graders come up with team names. I’ll bet these people have dogs named Blackie and Fluffy.

    The Winners
    Toccara
    After having been traded to the opposition last week, Toccara was determined to lose weight, make her goal for this week’s weigh-in and prove her former teammates wrong. To that end, she and Wendy made a little trip to a lovely spa called Soothing Solutions. Sounds restful, doesn’t it? I’m sure that tricks a lot of people. Wendy and Toccara are there to have colonics. Yep – it’s just what you think it is. Toccara, ever the lady, declares that she has never had anything in her ass before and that she is saving it for marriage. You’re over-sharing again sweetie. Wendy goes first and, mercifully, we do not get to see shots of the tube as er… things… float …. out. Okay, that’s enough of that. I’m feeling ill. One more comment though – what kind of sucky job is that to have to give people colonics?
    Harvey asks Toccara how she plans to motivate her new team. She tells them that since she and Wendy both live in New York, they are going to become roommates. I hope she was joking because I can’t imagine what sort of fresh hell that would be – for either of them. She says that she wants to get Victoria to the gym so she can mix up her work out routine a little. She is planning on enlisting Willie's wife for help in motivating him. This is a vast improvement over Gary and his teamwork nonsense.
    Weight: 187 lbs (height: 5’9”)
    Target for this week: 2 lbs
    Weight loss: 2 lbs
    Weight loss goal for the next weigh-in: 5 lbs

    Wendy
    Wendy marches up to the scale like she’s walking to the principal’s office. Dr. Ian comments on this and she says that is exactly how she feels every week. He then gives Wendy a little history lesson that he calls, “Excuses, excuses.” It’s a montage of clips of Wendy at every weigh-in giving her excuses for why she hasn’t lost weight. Wendy tells him that she knows she always has an excuse but gives the excuse that she is tired of dealing with trying to lose weight. As if one excuse isn’t enough, she cites family problems as another reason she’s been heading to the fridge. In the previews, Host Ant calls this the mother of all meltdowns. Not really. Toccara’s sob-fest last week was way more spectacular and incomprehensible. Wendy cries and tells the judges she’s happy that she at least hasn’t gained any weight. Dr. Linda suggests that Wendy get out and do something not related to diet and exercise (I thought that she was doing this too much already) because she is getting too fixated on the weight loss. Harvey tells her to call any of them if she needs help. Wendy goes back to her chair to think up next week’s excuse.
    Weight: 209 lbs (height: 5’2”)
    Target for this week: 2 lbs
    Weight loss: 1 lbs
    Weight loss goal for the next weigh-in: 5 lbs

    Victoria
    Victoria is both and elated and surprised about her weight loss this week. She says that one of the pounds from last week came off this week instead. She tells the judges that she has been working out every day and started eating fruit for the first time. She tells Dr. Linda that she looked in the mirror and almost liked what she saw. This is huge. Harvey compliments Victoria on her performance at Fit Camp. She says that those circus people are over-rated – the trapeze was easy. We see a clip of Victoria trying a more advanced move than the others attempted and she does it pretty well, especially since she’d never been on a trapeze before. She says that it was a big deal for her since her father has spent much of his life obsessed with the move Trapeze. It all goes back to her father, doesn’t it?
    Weight: 152 lbs (height: 5’5”)
    Target for this week: 3 lbs
    Weight loss: 3 lbs
    Weight loss goal for the next weigh-in: 5 lbs

    Willie
    After having watched everyone tear into Wendy over all of her excuses, Willie wisely opts for a strategy of making no excuses. He says that he thought he had lost at least 2 pounds. Harvey tells him that his lack of weight loss is not acceptable: for his team or for himself. Willie agrees.
    Weight: 174 lbs (height: 5’5”)
    Target for this week: 4 lbs
    Weight loss: +1 lb
    Weight loss goal for the next weigh-in: 5 lbs

    Sizzling Soul and White Ice
    Jackée
    This week, Jackée’s excuse for not making her weight goal is that she had a dinner date. Glossing over the fact that she only lost one pound, Jackée says that she is looking at the long term, which is a way of saying that, in the short term, she blew it. Jackée just had her first date since she joined Fit Club. Getting ready for the date proved to be more difficult than before. As she tries on outfit after outfit, she tells us that, while she used to dress sexy, now she feels exposed in the clothing. She finally picks an outfit and soon enough, her date, an actor named Willard Pugh, shows up – with flowers. Good man. Jackée tells us that dating is hell and that dating and dieting don’t mix. We see why when Jackée’s dinner comes. It looks to me like a pile of spaghetti in cream sauce, which she shoves into her face with alarming speed. Since it’s apparently All or Nothing Night, she also has some crème brulee. The only good news is that there wasn’t a buffet at the restaurant.
    Jackée becomes argumentative with Harvey when he gives her the weight-loss goal for the next weigh-in. She’s expected to lose 6 pounds, while Toccara only has to lose 5. The judges chide her, saying that she’s not in competition with Toccara. Wanna bet?
    Weight: 179 lbs (height: 5’7”)
    Target for this week: 3 lbs
    Weight loss: 1 lb
    Weight loss goal for the next weigh-in: 6 lbs

    Jani
    Because this week seems to be the episode focusing on crackpot ways to lose weight, Jani got to try an experimental procedure called mesotherapy. This involves the patient being injected multiple times in an affected area with some sort of chemical that “melts” the fat away. Yeah, no way that’s gonna be harmful. Jani tells is that it was not pleasant and felt like lots of big mosquito bites. Fun.
    At the weigh-in, Dr. Ian tells Jani that he looks great. Jani tells Dr. Linda that sobriety is good, but it’s not second nature yet. He is going to the gym every day and says that this is all a huge lifestyle change for him. He says that he likes what he sees in the mirror now – especially the fact that his eyes are clear. I have to say that, even though Jani hasn’t lost the most weight, he is the most changed. The picture of him at the beginning of the show looks like a completely different person.
    Weight: 178 lbs (height: 6’)
    Target for this week: 2
    Weight loss: 2 lbs
    Weight loss goal for the next weigh-in: 3

    Gary
    Since Gary made his weight loss goal for the show at last week’s weigh-in, all he had to do was maintain that weight loss. He says that he is okay with the fact that he gained one pound. I’m sure Jackée is pleased that he’s okay with it. Dr. Linda asks Gary what his biggest challenge has been since moving to a new team. Gary tells her that it isn’t a challenge but, rather, a joyful beginning. He blathers on and even throws in some growling. When he’s finished, Harvey sums it all up for me: “Holy s---! I don’t know who the winner is in this one.” Gary is given a weight loss goal for next time, probably to keep him from gaining more weight back.
    Weight: 180 lbs (height: 6’)
    Target for this week: 0
    Weight loss: +1 lb
    Weight loss goal for the next weigh-in: 3

    Phil
    As Phil walks up to the scale, his pants are falling down and he keeps having to hoist them up. Dr. Ian congratulates him on his progress – 31 pounds so far – and asks why he is so committed to this weight loss. Phil’s happy-go-lucky façade crumbles as he tears up, admitting that he wants to live to see his now 2-month old granddaughter grow up. Dr. Linda asks him if NOT being around to see his granddaughter grow up has been a real concern for him. He admits that he has thought about it. Harvey congratulates Phil on the weight loss and says (in his very Harvey way) that as big as Phil’s ass is, it’s good that those pants are falling down.
    Weight: 322 lbs (height: 5’11”)
    Target for this week: 3 lbs
    Weight loss: 5 lbs
    Weight loss goal for the next weigh-in: 5 lbs

    Team weigh-in: Once again, it’s time for the Giant Scale and the announcement of this week’s winner. For the second week in a row, the Red Team wins. Their weight loss total: 7 pounds to the Blue Team’s 5 pounds. So far, the Red Team has lost a total of 83 pounds. The Blue Team has taken off a total of 74 pounds. That’s both Olson twins right there.

    Next week: Jackée’ celebrates at the weigh-in, Toccara turns on Victoria (which, really, seems like stomping on a bunny), Jani encounters trouble on a trip home and Phil takes on his son, Bam, in a foot race.

    You will never see Critical@fansofrealitytv.com dressed in spandex and sequins… outside the privacy of her own home.
    Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.' - Isaac Asimov

    I was thinking of the immortal words of Socrates, who said, "... I drank what?"

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    Courtesy and Goodwill Mantenna's Avatar
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    Oh, Critical, you poor dear. . . . This was a truly hilarious recap, but I think you deserve an "above and beyond the call of duty" reward given the content of this show. Ah . . . uh . . . is it always this bad? Anyway, you never cease to amaze me.

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical
    The camera angles can only be described as gynecological. There should have been one of those warnings at the top of the show about content – this one should have warned viewers off eating during the episode.

    This is like when fifth graders come up with team names. I’ll bet these people have dogs named Blackie and Fluffy.

    The Blue Team has taken off a total of 74 pounds. That’s both Olson twins right there.
    That's comedy, I tell ya. Oh, and. . . .

    You will never see Critical@fansofrealitytv.com dressed in spandex and sequins… outside the privacy of her own home.
    Blast!

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    AWWWW... yeah! Onyx's Avatar
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    [QUOTE=Critical]
    "Willie – 9.2 (I snicker like a bully as the instructor tells Willie to “stand tall”)

    Before the weigh-in begins, the Blue Team announces that they will no longer be called the Crunch-O-Matics. They are now to be called The Winners. This is like when fifth graders come up with team names. I’ll bet these people have dogs named Blackie and Fluffy.

    Host Ant calls this the mother of all meltdowns. Not really. Toccara’s sob-fest last week was way more spectacular and incomprehensible."


    Fantastic. It's like my thoughts penned. Er, almost. Only wittier and funnier.
    Last edited by Onyx; 08-22-2005 at 10:34 AM. Reason: forgot quote thingies

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    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    This is especially bad news for Phil…. and those of us who have to look at Phil. It. Is. Not. Good. There’s a lot of body hair, people. A LOT.

    The Blue Team has taken off a total of 74 pounds. That’s both Olson twins right there.
    Glad I missed this one. Phil in spandex?
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

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    FORT Fogey Brandy's Avatar
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    I noticed they kept editing in shots of bums in the air. Especially the bigger bums. Er, change that to behinds. Who do I think I am, Caprice?

    Anyway - as if the costumes weren't humiliating enough.

    And I hate to break it to Victoria but she didn't so much leap through the air as get pulled from her trapeze. Not sure it's the same as the triple somersault from Trapeze.

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    FORT Fan ginnydoll's Avatar
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    I thought the trapeze work really showed off Victoria's athletic background. More the flip off the trapeze that when she got caught by the professional. Her timing was off on that one.

    Most of the weight loss things they've tried in the past have been interesting, but this last episode was gross. Between the colonics and the treatment Jani got, I spent several parts of the episode not looking at my tv.

    All in all, I'm not finding this season as fun as last time, but Tocarra is looking really great!

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    FORT Fogey Brandy's Avatar
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    Yes she is! And I agree, Victoria is quite talented athletically. We at home said from ep 1 that she really seems to have good muscle tone and fitness. She can flip, split, stand on her hands... etc. She actually seems in very good health. It's sad that her parents can't see that... STILL.

    Other than Wee Willie, and Wendy, I can't think of anyone who isn't looking or even acting healthier than when the show started, so that's pretty good. The show was more fun last season though, yes. I think if they didn't spend half the time snarking on cast members it would be more fun now. (Leave Gary alone doggonit.)

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    FORT Fanatic realityluver231's Avatar
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    Nice Recap, Critical!
    Fave Songs to listen to: Don't Forget About Us by Mariah Carey, Shake It Off by Mariah Carey, and Because of You by Kelly Clarkson

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    eternal optimist Shazzer's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Critical
    It’s Day 70 of Fit Club and the producers have come up with a very special Fit Camp to torture both the celebs and the viewers.

    Each team is outfitted in spandex in their team colors, with sequins and feathers thrown in for style. This is especially bad news for Phil…. and those of us who have to look at Phil. It. Is. Not. Good. There’s a lot of body hair, people. A LOT.

    They cheer each other on and dance around like released hostages.

    Each person is attached to a harness, so there’s not really any danger involved. Just utter embarrassment.

    When are the fitness refrigerators coming, ‘cause I think those would be much more useful.

    They are now to be called The Winners. This is like when fifth graders come up with team names. I’ll bet these people have dogs named Blackie and Fluffy.

    To that end, she and Wendy made a little trip to a lovely spa called Soothing Solutions. Sounds restful, doesn’t it? I’m sure that tricks a lot of people. Wendy and Toccara are there to have colonics. Yep – it’s just what you think it is.

    You’re over-sharing again sweetie.

    Wendy goes first and, mercifully, we do not get to see shots of the tube as er… things… float …. out. Okay, that’s enough of that. I’m feeling ill. One more comment though – what kind of sucky job is that to have to give people colonics?

    Toccara’s sob-fest last week was way more spectacular and incomprehensible.

    Because this week seems to be the episode focusing on crackpot ways to lose weight, Jani got to try an experimental procedure called mesotherapy.

    This involves the patient being injected multiple times in an affected area with some sort of chemical that “melts” the fat away. Yeah, no way that’s gonna be harmful. Jani tells is that it was not pleasant and felt like lots of big mosquito bites. Fun.

    The Blue Team has taken off a total of 74 pounds. That’s both Olson twins right there.

    Next week: Jackée’ celebrates at the weigh-in, Toccara turns on Victoria (which, really, seems like stomping on a bunny)
    Oh my, freakin' hilarious! Like, the totally unexpected metaphors, "dance around like released hostages." Oh this whole thing was absolutely witty! Soooooooooooo sarcastic, and soooooo clever. Wow. Absolutely brilliant job.

    This quote DEMANDS to stand alone. I guffawed.

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical
    The camera angles can only be described as gynecological.
    Great recap, Critical.
    "If you're like me, you have a 'been there, done that' attitude when it comes to paleolithic paleontology." - Jon Stewart

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