Welcome back to another Celebrity Duets results show. The thing I like best about this show? The ambiguity of the word “celebrity.” Are they referring to the professional singers who come on the show each week or to the B-List (okay, being generous there) actors, athletes, etc. who sing the duets with them? Really, would anyone disagree that Gladys Knight is a bigger star than any of the so-called celebrities on this show?
Tonight's show opens as our oh-so-funny (and modest) host, Wayne, greets the audience wearing an outfit befitting an extra in the gay production of Newsies. Very spiffy, Guvnor.
Of course, in the tradition of all Fox shows, we get a recap of last night’s show. If you missed it, MotherSister’s recap was much better than anything Fox could put together. In short: The judges took off the velvet gloves and really let the “constructive” criticism fly. Other random facts that we learned: Alfonso really knows how to finish….a song. Hal thinks he’s a rock star (David does not think Hal is a rock star) and Jai’s performance got dissed by David. I never liked that David Foster character.
It’s time another group number and this week’s
victimsong is Earth, Wind and Fire’s “September.” What becomes really obvious really quickly is that Cheech and Carly really need to go. It’s bad. What’s also obvious is that Jai and Alfonso are in a league of their own, especially with this song. One thing I’ll say about these people over the kids on American Idol is that they all have a lot more stage presence….even if some of them can’t sing. Okay, I guess that part is like AI too. All in all, this wasn’t nearly as bad as last week’s group number.
Wayne Brady breaks the bad news to us that Little Richard has a “prior engagement” and will not be able to join us tonight. I wonder if “prior engagement” is code for “rehab.” Marie and David are on their own tonight. Cut to Wayne doing a rather disturbing impression of Little Richard. Marie announces that David should be voted out after calling Marie the bitch from Hell last night. She tells him that Hal, her husband and Cheech will be ready to beat him up in the parking lot after the show. I’d pay to see that. As for the fate of the actual contestants, Marie says she hopes Alfonso isn’t eliminated since he did so well. Where did that come from? Did any of us think Alfonso was in danger of going home? David opines that Carly could be going home tonight even though she’s been improving from week to week.
A Scary Place for a Boy-O
The first celeb to learn his fate tonight will be Jai. Way to ratchet up the suspense, people. Like any of us are worried about Jai. Wayne reminds us about the power of chemistry and segues into a video of the lovefest between Taylor Dayne and Jai. Jai is worried about the songs and the key he’d have to sing them in. The lovefest continues when Taylor changes the key of the song for him. Jai tells us that he really doesn’t want to go back to cold New York.
Taylor and Jai sing “Love Will Lead You Back” and she sounds incredible. I love Jai, but I really just wanted to listen to Taylor. That woman needs to be in the radio again. Really though, they do sound good together and Jai sings in a lower key than we've heard before. Nice.
Jai was a big favorite with the judges…..until last night. He was confused by last night’s comments and is now worried about his fate tonight. As if: he’s in.
Carly Patterson is clearly distracted by the über white-boy cuteness that is Jesse McCartney. Their video is all very precious and high school. Lots of grinning and giggling. They take the stage and sing some other song that’s probably off of his CD, which I have never heard. I will say that Carly really has improved since the first week. This style – bubblegum pop – really suits her voice. Carly and Jesse do lots of flirting on stage and they interact well during the song. Hoping to have some onstage chemistry of their own with Jesse are two girls who run up onstage from the audience. Jesse cowers behind Wayne as security escorts the little nits offstage. Unfortunately, it seems that Carly’s chemistry with Jesse has invoked the jealousy of the teen girl voters and they have boycotted her this week: she’s in the bottom three.
The Rhythm Takes Control of Alfons-O
Cheech has been working hard to impress the audience and Aaron Neville, who clearly came on this show to pimp his new album. They sit side-by-side on the edge of the stage and sing “Dock of the Bay” It’s okay, but reminds me of a couple of buds singin’ while they tie one on at the local dive. Is that a tattoo on Aaron’s face? Yikes. Also “yikes” to that final note. Ouch. Cheech’s strategy? He’s been taking this very seriously, but if he stays another week, he’s going to start having fun….and he’s starting with Marie. Is Cheech is flirting with Marie Osmond? Ew. The verdict: bottom three, baby.
Alfonso’s challenge last week came when he almost lost his voice. His challenge this week is learning how they harmonize: something he’s never done before. With Deniece Williams, he’s finally learned more about vocal chemistry. They sing “It’s Gonna Take a Miracle” and Alfonso sounds good, but he’s doing that squatting and bobbing thing again. Plus, he’s got his eyes closed when he sings, which cuts down on the interacting with Deniece. Still, they both sound great – Deniece is another one who needs to be back on the radio.
David and Marie have both gotten on him about his dancing but Alfonso says that he can’t help it if the music is rockin’: it just has to get out. Once again, we get promises of the Carlton dance if he makes it to the end. We still might see it: he’s through to next week.
Wayne Brady asks the judges what it will take to win this competition. Marie says “A lot of phone calls.” *rim shot* That Marie, she’s such a cut-up. David claims that America isn’t stupid (uh-huh) – they know good singing. He singles out Alfonso’s performance tonight as an example.
The Part Where I Jump Up and Down on the Couch…..-O
Dionne Warwick is also on the show to plug her new album. Still, she’s doing her best to mentor Lucy Lawless and help her to get the songs just right. They sing “I’ll Never Love This Way Again.” Lucy should be happy they didn’t do this song last night ‘cause she’d be out of here. It’s the opposite of good: very flat and out of tune. Dionne sounds great, of course. When the song ends, Lucy panders to the audience by pointing to Dionne. Inexplicably, they get a standing ovation. Maybe the audience is just happy it’s over.
Wayne comments that Lucy looks more comfortable than she did last night and she admits to working on being more relaxed. Lucy also took “the judge’s” comments to heart, saying that some of them were valid. Did she just refer to Marie as “the judge?” Oh, snap. Lucy will be waiting until after Hal’s performance to learn her fate tonight.
There’s a new comedy team on the block, folks! Hal Sparks and Dennis DeYoung are just a barrel of laughs and boy do they think they’re funny! As the first notes of “Mr. Roboto” start, I jump up and down like every good child of the 80’s should. Hal does the synthesized voice part and I laugh like a mental patient. This is gold! LOVE it! Three snaps in a circle. Maybe I’m so excited because I remember listening to this on my Magnavox radio in the 8th grade, which was, you know, a few years ago. As if you had any doubts, Dennis DeYoung is pimping a new album. This show is like the musical version of The Tonight Show with all the self-promotion flying around.
Last night David Foster told Hal that he is not a rock star. Hal tells Wayne that he trusts Dennis DeYoung’s opinion more. After all, he produced Celine Dion and Barbra Streisand and really, when you think of those two, the words “rock star” come to mind, don’t they?
Lucy Lawless is back to find out if she or Hal will be in the bottom three. After a strategically placed commercial break, we learn that Hal is in the bottom three and, inexplicably, Lucy was the top vote-getter. Wha? Hal doesn’t seem very surprised, but I do.
Carly, Cheech and Hal join Wayne at center stage to find out who’s leaving. Who isn’t leaving? Cheech. Seriously? Now it’s just Hal and Carly left. Hal looks like he’s waiting to have a root canal or like he’s in the middle of a colonoscopy. That man does not have a poker face. After yet another commercial break, Wayne asks the judges for their opinions about these final two. Marie admits that she’s a little surprised, but tries to bolster their egos by reminding them of what a great experience this show has been. David is also surprised: he had no idea this would happen.
The time has come and Wayne breaks the bad news to Hal: he’s going to have to sing again next week. Ouch. That was harsh. Carly says she’s sad to go home without the gold. Everyone on the show has been “awesome.” She tells Wayne that – unfortunately for the listening public – she will continue to pursue a music career. Ah well, there are worse singers at the top of the music charts right now. We watch Carly’s journey video and then Jesse McCartney joins her on stage to sing “Beautiful Soul” as the credits roll.
Come back next week when two celebrities will be eliminated. Why couldn’t they have done that this week?