Before I get started recapping the results show of Celebrity Duets, I have to make a confession. I have an extremely low tolerance for bad singing. Extremely. Consequently, I end up watching these singing shows with the mute on most of the time. Really, it’s much more enjoyable that way. Last night, the only celebrity that didn’t get the mute treatment was Jai Rodriguez. He’s pretty and he can sing. For tonight’s show I’ll be forgoing the mute button entirely in order to bring you all every single second of this debacle. I’m still feeling a bit nauseated, so let’s get this over with, shall we?
At the outset, Wayne Brady promises us a results show unlike any other. Translation: You’ve all seen this a million times before. Wayne tells us that the celebrities will learn their fates throughout the show tonight, which makes this a different kind of results show….unless you watch Nashville Star. The celebs all want to stay out of the bottom three tonight to avoid elimination. If you do the math, that’s going to take maybe 10 minutes. How will they fill the rest of the hour? More awkward duets with music superstars!
Before we find out anything, we have to be reminded of everything that happened last night. If you need a refresher, you can read all about it in MotherSister’s superior recap.
Debbie Harry is Rolling Over in Her Grave…..or She Would be if She Was Dead
Just in case you had any doubts about which network this show is on, we’re about to confirm that this is Fox we’re watching. Yep, it’s time for another slightly embarrassing group number. This week’s hatchet job will be performed on Blondie’s “One Way or Another.” Lucy starts things off, followed by Lea and Carly. The crowd (and I) really gets excited when Jai takes over, but then Hal, Alfonso and Cheech join him. In an effort to seem like a rocker, Hal actually jumps up on the judges’ table and screams at them. All of the celebs make attempts at being sexy, but really, Jai is the only one who actually pulls it off. The hardest part: keeping my hand off the mute button. The best part: the end.
Wayne takes an informal poll of the judges. What were their favorite moments of the previous night? Marie, as a country fan, mentions Clint Black playing harmonica and then Wynonna’s number with Hal. Little Richard, who is clearly self-medicating, heavily, cites “the lady with the Tina Turner legs, but not the Tina Turner voice.” I think he means Lea. He swears that isn’t a backhanded compliment – it’s a front-ended one. *cue rim shot* Little Richard says that his favorite moment of the night was really Jai’s number with Brian McKnight and for once, I agree with him. David Foster, who comes off just a wee bit resentful that Little Richard took his answer, singles out Jai and Brian as well.
Totally Awesome and WAY 80’s
Lucy Lawless is the first celebrity to sing another duet and learn her fate this week. Dressed like a go-go dancer, with the moves to match, Lucy takes the stage to sing “Footloose” with Kenny Loggins. Before they sing, we have to see a little video of their time together this week. What we learn is that Kenny actually expected Lucy to work this week. The nerve. I have to admit that I love Kenny Loggins. I’ll go even further than that: I’ve never heard a better singer live. Honestly. Better live than recorded. I was just as surprised as you probably are right now. Anyway, Kenny sounds great tonight and Lucy….well, Lucy seems to be auditioning for an episode of Celebrity A-Go-Go. She shimmies around Kenny in her white fringy dress and croaks out the song. It’s like 2 a.m. at the karaoke bar when the drunk blonde jumps onstage.
The carnage ends and Kenny leaves the stage looking grateful that a) it’s finally over and b) he managed to get in a plug for his upcoming Christmas CD. Wayne asks Lucy where her head is and really, there’s a little do-it-yourself joke right there, folks. Lucy says something about the learning curve and wanting to bust it and stick around another week. The verdict? America hated three other celebrities more than Lucy: she stays.
Up next to learn her fate is Carly Patterson. We learn from watching the video of Carly and Anita’s rehearsal process that Carly thinks they’re going to be “really awesome” together. Totally. The gals come out and sing “Jump,” which is another song I really never wanted to hear again. It’s okay, although it feels a bit like amateur hour….which I guess Carly technically is. Anita, on the other hand, sounds amazing.
Wayne asks Carly about the pressure of this competition compared with world-class gymnastics. Her mic was off for part of her response and then, you know, she doesn’t make much sense to begin with. I think she said that she’s better at gymnastics and is just trying not to stink it up too badly with the singing. I’m paraphrasing. The bottom line? She’s in the bottom three.
The judges aren’t surprised by the results. Marie feels that Carly still has a lot of growing to do (again, another do-it-yourself joke), Little Richard diplomatically admits that he fully expects to see Carly leave tonight. David Foster is confused by Little Richard, but he’s not surprised by the voting results.
Two Wrongs Don’t Make a Right
Does anyone else love that they keep having men sing love songs to each other on this show? It seems that Alfonso is quite flustered in the presence of Jeffrey Osborne, as evidenced by the video of their time together this week: Alfonso couldn’t even remember the words to “Stay With Me Tonight.” He does manage to get through the song tonight and I snicker when they sing about giving “special joy” because I am 12. The song itself sounds pretty good, although Alfonso’s dancing makes it feel a little like Up With People. Is that the Carlton dance?
After Jeffrey is sent offstage, Alfonso manages to go on without him. He tells Wayne that he wants to stick around to show the audience what he can do. No problem there: he’s in.
The winner of the bizarre pairing of the week is up again! It’s Cheech Marin and Clint Black. Clint tells us that Cheech is an icon, but isn’t big on the song choice. Neither am I, since I have no idea what song they’re singing. Mercifully, it’s over pretty quickly and Clint makes his
Wayne asks Cheech if he has anything to say to David Foster regarding his comments about Cheech’s chances of making it to the finals (i.e. no chance in Hell). Cheech says “eat them words” in Spanish. Don’t pass the salt yet, my friend: you’re in the bottom three this week. David looks stern and vindicated. Much like he looks most of the time.
Now For the Part Where I Squeal Like a Little Girl
Jai is up next! I try not to jump up and down on the couch. Jai tells us that he was very “fannish” with his singing partners last week but this time - with Brian McKnight – he tried to be cool. Jai and Brian take the stage and sing “Shining Star.” It is good. Not Celebrity Duets good – good period. Unless he gets a tumor on his vocal cords, Jai’s got this show sewn up.
Jai tells Wayne he’s hungry. Apparently, our little Jai missed dinner. Plus, he’s a little nervous. He hopes that he voting public agrees with the judges and the studio audience, who all pretty much want to have babies with him – the men and the women. As if there’s any suspense here. Of course, Jai is in.
Can I Get an “Amen!?”
When we return from a commercial break, we find Wayne Brady in the audience with his 3 year old daughter. Her favorite show? The Simpsons. At least she got the right network.
Lea Thompson was just super-excited to learn that she would be singing with Belinda Carlisle this week. How did Belinda feel? From the look on her face, I’d say her agent was on the business end of a pretty nasty phone call. Tonight they sing “I Get Weak.” It. Is. Not. Good. Belinda sounds okay but Lea = meh. She sounds weak. Lea also needs to lay off those mini skirts. I’m sure Little Richard is getting an eyeful right now. That is if he’s still conscious.
Lea tells Wayne that she thinks she’s more nervous tonight than her kids are but she admits that this is the coolest thing she’s done in years, so her kids are happy. The votes are in for Lea, but she’ll have to wait until after Hal dry humps Wynonna some more before she finds out which of them is in the bottom three.
Wynonna tells us that she’s only ever sung with one duet partner, so she was a bit nervous about getting paired with Hal. Plus, you know, she never had that awkward sexual tension with her mother. Wy tells us that they both think they’re rock stars….implying that only one of them actually is. Hal and Wynonna sing “No One Else on Earth.” Wynonna starts off the song and then Hal joins her from the audience. Once again, he looks like he wants to jump her. He’s going to need a step ladder: she’s got a good 4 inches on him. All joking aside, it’s actually pretty good. They interact well and sound good together. This doesn’t look good for Lea. Wy actually looks sad to leave Hal, her little boy toy…or maybe it’s just the spotlight she doesn’t want to leave
Hal tells Wayne that the audience is on his mind tonight. He was really excited to get to sing with Wynonna (dude, we know) and just happy about everything.
After a commercial break, Wayne breaks the news to Lea: she will be joining Cheech and Carly in the bottom three. The bottom three stand together and Wayne lets’ Carly off the hook: she’s safe this week. Now we’re down to Cheech and Lea. Double elimination! Sorry – wishful thinking. Now it’s time for the results! Here comes Toby Keith with the envelope. Of course, now we have to listen to him sing. He performs a song with Lindsay Haun – they both star in the new movie “Broken Bridges.” It’s okay, but at this point, I just want to know which one of these people I don’t have to suffer through next week. I wasn’t really paying attention to Toby and Lindsay, to tell you the truth.
After yet another commercial break, we finally learn that Lea is going home. She “sings” us out with “Heaven is a Place on Earth“……and it is now that I don’t have to listen to her sing any more.