Things that feel like they will never end but you wish you could get them over with really fast:
1. The last hour of work/school
2. A root canal
3. Road trips with children under the age of 6
4. Avatar (the movie)
5. The last 8 seasons of The Apprentice
So, in what feels like week CMXIII of this benchmark 10th season, the obvious question to ask is: Are we there yet??? Well, Virginia...as it turns out, there is a Santa Claus, or at least some form of jolly old soul that is giving us a big ol' Christmas present - a break from The Donald's ego. And judging from the ratings this season...this might be the gift that keeps on giving, if you catch my drift.
Team Brandy - Hitting just over par
In case you neglected to read the lovely LG's recap last week - and if you have neglected to do so, what's the matter with you?? It's the second-last recap of the season and a great read to boot! Geez! - you may be unaware of the rather unexciting news that good old boy and self-proclaimed hick-from-the-sticks Clint and stone-faced (though she calls it "reserved and calculated") blonde Brandy are the finalists. The final task is comprised of a Trump golf course extravaganza featuring the finest of low-ranked Hollywood, namely the proud-to-be-4th-best Kathy Griffin and addled poor little rich girl Liza Minnelli. Brandy is handling the golf tournament and gets to hang out with Kathy, while Clint is overseeing the dinner gala that follows the tourney and has the dubious honor of, ahem, "managing" Liza.
First up is Brandy and her band of the season's castoffs - Liza (who just happens to be a golf pro), Stephanie, and the disgraced Anand, who is clever enough to keep quiet and take orders from the bossy blondes. When we last left Team B, there was a fair amount of dithering over the lateness of the photographer who was to take pics of the golfers. Tragedy fails to ensue as the photog does manage to arrive in time to snap off some shots of the "celebrity" golfers, who are mainly retired sports figures. (Speaking of - Mike Bossy, I was a big fan of the championship Islanders, and you have aged magnificently, sir.) Next to arrive is our favorite redhead reality star and unabashed self-promoter, Kathy Griffin. Kathy is meant to have been on hand to greet the golfers as they pile into the Trumpcarts, but her entrance is too late, alas. Liza - who may or may not be considered lucky at this task - hops into a cart with the Trump himself, as the bossman is impressed with the lady's prowess with a wood. (Oh, come on, am I not entitled to one bad golf pun? I'll have you know I resisted retelling a single one of the Tiger Woods jokes that were emailed to me nonstop this time last year.)
Turns out that there's been a snag and Trump is playing in a threesome. (Must...resist...) Anyone who's played in a tournament knows that's a big handicap in itself, and Donald complains bitterly. Brandy pretends to be distressed, hauling ass out to Trump's hole (damn, why must golf be so pornographic?) and listens to Donald complain that his team is at a yuuuuuge disadvantage. Brandy, who's already proven herself adept at the art of subtly kissing butt, provides two more golfers by the time Team Trump reaches the back 9 holes. Meanwhile, Steph gets the far more fun job of driving Kathy G around the course to kibbitz with the golfers.
Back at the clubhouse, Ivanka swoops in to examine Brandy's prize table, consisting of trophies, framed pics of the golf teams, and some golf sets so cheap they make my bargain set look like high-end Titleists. Ivanka, clearly not a golfer and already established as a Brandy BFF, is pleased. Brandy, in turn, allows herself to get a tiny bit animated and declares herself confident and happy with her event.
Team Clint - I dig divas, y'all
Clint's homies for the task are former wingman Steuart, bland blonde Poppy, and our favorite angry finger-wavin' attorney, Mahsa. Clint's pretend-problem is some posters with Miz Liza's name spelled incorrectly. (There are 2 n's in Minnelli - who knew?) Clint smoothly handles the damage control, and then collects his team to go over strategy. He wisely hands over the girly-type stuff to Stu, who's in full metrosexual glory fussing over candles, flowers and place settings. Ivanka stops in to provide a little foreshadowing, worrying that Clint couldn't handle the task without Stu. I would mention Poppy except I didn't see her do a single thing, except smile vacantly and wander around helplessly. I'm sure there's a market for that...say, in a competition to be the Donald's wife no. 4.
The Minnelli arrives as one hot mess, in a bedazzled hoodie and in clear need of an intervention. She stumbles to the stage and slurs a request for a sound check, with Clint in anxious attendance. He makes his way up to La Griffin's room and proudly announces that there's all the Red Bull and crab cakes available that she can consume. There's also some endive, which Clint mispronounces, much to Kathy's amusement. Hey, but Clint is a country boy, y'all! He can't be expected to know food more exotic than, say, a bottle of Bud and a double cheeseburger. Clint keeps up his hick act admirably, y'alling his way through his dinner emcee duties until the mic is handed over to Trump, who introduces Kathy Griffin. Kathy is in fine smirk, chortling that she and Liza have finally hit the big time, playing the (expletive deleted) golf club. It's funny, almost as funny as her lingering over the value of the crappy golf prizes. A disgusted Steph comments that the winners can perhaps donate the golf clubs to their butlers. Apparently she picked up some good lines from Kathy during their cart ride.
Kathy ushers a still-wasted Liza onstage. The legend proceeds to plunk herself into a director's chair and drones through what's supposedly a new song. She rousts herself somewhat for her New York, New York finale while Clint sings her praises, apparently oblivious to Liza's substance issues. Clint emerges from the task supremely confident that he's the next Apprentice, while Brandy remains evasive about her own chances.
Under the radar = underwhelming final boardroom
So, final boardroom of final season. Ooops, I mean final show of the season. Freudian slip. There's the usual dull banter about the task, with a marginally amusing ancedote from Trump about the prize winners leaving the cheap golf club sets behind. Because, you know, the players are THAT rich. Ivanka picks on Clint for y'alling his way through his public speaking, and Trump snarks on Mahsa and Anand for their untimely departures from the show. (Say, where was Crazy Dave? I would have seriously killed to see him try to schmooz with Griffin.)
Trump orchestrates a schoolyard pick and demands that the teams choose their favorite leader. Poppy, Anand, Steph and Liza pledge loyalty to Brandy, while meek Stu and bitter Mahsa back Clint. The losers are then ushered out, and after a few props courtesy of the baby Trumps, are asked to sell themselves one final time.
Clint ticks off a list of his qualifications and expresses a desire to work at Trump's latest project, a golf resort in Scotland. Brandy is cooler and infinitely more clever, proposing that she join the "next generation" of the Trump brand - namely, Ivanka, Don Jr., and Eric - and work with them to bring the Trump name into the new world, or something like that. It's just flattering and unique enough to win Trump Sr over, and he eagerly proclaims her the winner and season 10 Apprentice, which you knew he wanted to do ever since she told him she liked older men. Watch your step, Melania...or you might find Brandy bringing in another Next-Gen Trumpette.
It wouldn't be a final recap without a shoutout to my fellow recappers, lildago & LG, who contributed their wit, warmth and charmth to the season. And to you, FORT readers, who somehow found the strength to stick it out one last season. Um, I mean, for the latest season. Damn Freud. Later, y'all!