Happy Halloween! I know all you Apprentice viewers must love this time of year, being horror fans. You have to be a fan of the macabre and the gruesome to tune into this trainwreck for 10 seasons, not to mention your apparent pleasure in having to stare at the roadkill that Trump calls a hairpiece. This week things get bloody enough in the boardroom to make even Michael Myers smile. (The scary Michael Myers, not the dorky actor who brought you Austin Powers and The Love Guru.) Keep reading if you dare…
The Rocky Horror Show, Trump-style
Last week, some skinny chick named Kelly got the Trump boot, while in the war room, the dirt’s being slung. Apparently, Mahsa of Fortitude spilled her team’s earnings on the task to Octane’s Clint. This infuriates Brandy, and the ladies start sniping and swearing at each other. Mahsa sniffles about her lack of friends – and really, who wouldn’t want to be friends with a loud, overbearing, nasal-voiced finger-waving witch? – and is ready to defend herself to the death. Cue the scary music. Mwah-hah-hah!
The Trump kids are back for this week’s bloodbath, and attend Daddy at the Shubert Theatre where the week’s task is laid out. The teams will produce a “backer’s audition”, which is a 15-minute mini-production of a Broadway musical to encourage the big wallets to lay out money to fund the show’s costs. They’ll be judged on marketing and presentation by a trio of Broadway personalities, two of whom nobody has ever heard of and Kristen Chenoweth, who I’ve seen on TMZ. Google tells me she was also on The West Wing and is a Broadway bigwig. Project managers are Liza for Fortitude, and Steuart for Octane.
The Crypt-Kicker Five
The teams are supplied with a musical score and a squad of performers for their respective productions. Fortitude gets something called “Darling”, a dark tale of love set in 1929 Boston. It’s not a comedy, but Liza provides a few laughs when she tells Darling’s creator that she’s never seen a Broadway musical, and could he explain it to her? Stephanie, She Who Is Fabulous At Absolutely Everything, is beside herself, wondering if Liza perhaps does not own a DVD player and has never, say, rented “Chicago”. Can someone seriously go through life never having seen a musical? My mother made us watch “The Sound of Music” every time it was on TV. My kids have memorized most of the lyrics to “Grease”. How can you NOT know how to dance The Time Warp? Girl Wonder Stephanie loudly informs Liza that she studied at the Royal Conservatory for, like, decades, and is a music expert. This annoys Poppy, because Stephanie is annoying. People who claim to be good at everything are very annoying. People who claim to be good and everything and ARE really good at everything are even more annoying.
Stephanie, as is her wont, gets busy being in charge of what she wants to, which is production. Liza and the others start working on the marketing, but when Liza wants Steph to pitch in, Steph begs off. As punishment, Liza sends Steph off with Mahsa to the printers to get the promo materials. Steph is so livid even Mahsa seems a little afraid.
The remaining women discuss production, when Donald Jr. enters. Liza is rendered speechless when confronted with Jr’s oily coif and inane questions, and stutters when spoken to. Little Donald leaves unimpressed, and the ladies get back to doing what they do best – complaining about each other. Liza finds her voice when Steph and Mahsa check in online, expressing her unhappiness with the graphics they’ve come up with. The duo basically decides Liza is stupid and proceed to do what they want.
Thanks to the return of the one-hour timeframe, it’s already audition time, and the Broadway judges wait expectantly. Liza delivers a strong intro, which Mahsa takes credit for. There’s no dancing, just the actors standing in front of music stands. One woman handles narration while the others break into song at intervals. A couple of the judges are wowed by it, but none of them like the marketing material, as it lacks any contact information.
American psycho, rehabilitated
Over at Octane, job one is to somehow contain the force – or virus, as he’s better known – that is Crazy Dave. The boys are saddled with some musical mush called “Little Miss Fixit” which is somehow a prepubescent love story. Crazy D claims experience with theatre, because he was in high school plays. PM Steuart, not surprisingly, is distrustful and gets Dave to order lunch while he thinks it over. The crazy in David prepares to emerge, but after he raps a bit with one of the actors and starts getting enthused about the production, Stu takes a chance and decides to let him handle the creative aspect of the challenge.
It turns out to be good strategy, as David seems only mildly eccentric this week, as opposed to aggressively bipolar. Ivanka swoops in and is duly impressed with David’s work, but thinks Stu should step up more. In Stu’s defense, though, he’s been busy with his special-needs teammate and is just as surprised as anyone that Dave can actually be a valued member. Their audition production is jazzier than the women’s – they don’t have a narrator, opting instead to tell the story solely in song & dance. Stu’s intro goes smoothly, but he stumbles over his words when wrapping things up. This is blown up into a big deal, which is puzzling as the judges laud both the production and the promo material. David throws up his arms in horror at Stu’s stutter, apparently forgetting he’s been screwing things up for his team from the start of the season.
It was a boardroom smash
Liza and David are the unlikely heroes in the boardroom this week, earning praise from their respective teammates. Trump has the kids trot out the promotional materials – the women’s are craptacular to the extent that I smell a rat…a rat that’s a “music expert” and doesn’t like Liza much. Liza is quick to blame Mahsa and Steph for the omission of any contact information on their package, but Steph angrily insists that they only printed what Liza told them to. Trump goes after Steph, complaining that she should have stepped up as project manager for the task. Steph and Trump go at it a while before he announces Octane is the winning team.
The men depart and Donald continues to give the women a hard time about the missing contact info. Being that it’s a horribly boring topic, Trump jumps on an opportunity to start riding Mahsa about her self-centeredness. Pot, meet kettle. Speaking of steam, Brandy suddenly explodes. I wasn’t sure if it was Brandy or Poppy at first – they should make the blondes wear name tags, I swear – but Poppy was conveniently stashed out of camera range so by process of elimination, the conclusion was that it must be Brandy. And if Brandy was Carrie, sharp objects would have come whizzing through the air at Mahsa. Brandy shrieks about Mahsa’s habit of pointing her finger at people, an amused Ivanka agrees, and the whole discussion morphs into a Mahsa bash. Brandy lands the killing blow, tattling to Trump about Mahsa confiding her team’s sales total to Clint prior to last week’s boardroom. Mahsa claims that she did but that Clint also told her Octane’s total. In the viewing room, Clint roars furiously at the TV screen and leads his team out to the elevators. Trump is also pissed – only he gets to announce the week’s winners, that’s HIS job – and Mahsa shrugs and apologizes for her poor judgment.
At that, the men troop back in and Clint goes after Mahsa, saying that she’s lying and he wasn’t even aware of his team’s sales total so he could not have shared any information with her. The Octane guys back their boy up, as does Brandy. Liza nods but stays silent. An incensed Trump fires Mahsa for what she did last week. For her part, Mahsa thinks she should have stayed quieter. Which certainly would have been nicer for the rest of us, too.
The really scary part? Mahsa’s pursuing a career a TV career, saying The Apprentice has been opening many doors previously closed to her. Like we needed any more proof – Donald Trump IS Satan.