Full of hope, I was, for this week’s episode. Shoes? Naked, hot male models? In New York? It’s like that episode of Sex In The City! (OK, it would be like every episode of Sex In The City.) Well, we got shoes. Rockports, not Blahniks, but shoes nonetheless. We got naked hot guys – with a few scabs here and there. More on that later. We were in New York. And we had Stephanie, who was as blonde and bossy as Samantha (and, I suspect, as slutty – the naked guys WERE her idea). Somehow, though, it just wasn’t as fun. Like the SITC epis where Carrie dated Berger. And a little like Rockport shoes. Just because you make cotton-candy pink clogs doesn’t make your product fun. Guess the Skechers people were busy.
These shoes were made for…walkability
The Rockport CEO is so deadly dull I forgot his name as soon as Trump introduced him to the Apprentices, but I do recall his droning instructions for this week’s task: present a fashion show for the Rockport 2011 spring/summer line to a group of their key buyers. The men’s team will handle the women’s shoe line, and the ladies will be in charge of the men’s. Easy-peasy, and fun for all. Also in attendance are two headhunters, Catherine and Juan, who will be subbing for the missing Ivanka and Don Jr. They must have heard about the lousy ratings. Trump can’t even get his kids to watch. Project managers will be Wade, for Octane, and Stephanie, for Fortitude.
Fortitude – Nobody steps on Stephanie’s blue suede shoes
It’s disappointing that Tyana is the newly fired member of the women’s team, because I get the feeling that Ms Cougar USA would kill on a shoe-related task. However, Stephanie proves to be frighteningly efficient, declaring herself the first “focused leader with vision”. She gets busy fast assigning jobs to her team, who are instantly cowed by her brisk demeanor. Even mouthy Mahsa meekly submits to Steph, but gets her say in the “vision” portion. Apparently Mahsa was smitten with Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall, so their Rockport fashion show will feature “Tristan”, man-about-town who spends his day rocking out his sensible shoes. Stephanie approves of this theme, but wants to get a little edgy and end the show with the male models in their undies. It’s kinda random but who doesn’t love a naked guy in loafers?
Speaking of hot models! The girls bat their eyes and toss their hair at the entrance of the guys, who are nice-looking but not Smith-hot, as SITC fans will note. Kelly, who I believe has not spoken until this week, is all over this task, fully embracing the Rockport “walkability” concept. Steph spends some quality time sucking up to headhunter Juan, who she figures might be an important business contact one day. If this chick was a shark, she’d be Jaws, but meaner. Poppy & Kelly, wisely noting that time to prepare for the show is short, take one Ken doll shopping with them to purchase wardrobe items for the catwalk. In order to manufacture discontent in a group that’s clearly working together perfectly, the editors make much of Steph’s annoyance at Poppy & Kelly for buying only a single pair of men’s briefs. Brandy races off to buy seven more sets, then flies her invisible jet back to rehearse for her emcee duties. Kelly confidently directs the models, impressing Mahsa. Where is Mahsa and what have they done with her? The brash attorney is a shadow of her former strident self. I wouldn’t put it past Steph to have injected her with a little something-something. Just putting that out there.
Not surprisingly, at showtime, Fortitude totally owns the Rockport runway. Trump arrives with Miss USA – do they have to wear those freaking pageant ribbons, the tiara, and a sparkly gown the whole year long? It can’t be worth it. Brandy proves to be a kickass emcee, and even the oiled-up models in their boxer briefs go over huge with the crowd.
Octane – Too sexy for their shoes. When they do their little turn on the catwalk. On the catwalk . On the catwalk, yeah. When they do their little turn on the catwalk.
I suppose it’s worth mentioning that Clint, as last week’s winning PM, gets a one-on-one meet with Steve Forbes. Steve likes Clint, probably because Clint’s the first guy in years who didn’t nod off while Steve was talking. Too bad Wade didn’t win last week, as he & Steve could have taken turns boring each other to tears. Clint finds Wade too laid back – geez, even the guy’s pep talk to the team was mellow. Wade puts Anand and Steuart in charge of dressing the models, while David & Gene will share emcee duties. Theme? We don’t need no stinkin’ theme! We got cute chicks in pink shoes! Or, I think that’s what went through their heads. Except for Gene, who timidly remarks in confessional that there should, perhaps, be a theme.
Headhunter Catherine (or, as Wade says, “so-called headhunter” – nice career move, dude) is pleased with Wade’s calm demeanor, for the most part. All hell breaks loose when the models arrive, however. Anand and Stu, no strangers to checking out the talent, swoop the girls under their wings and whisk them all off in a van to the boutique. Fawning and gratuitous complimenting commence, and Stu gets ticked off at Anand for outing the fact that Stu has a girlfriend. I think we can all now assume that Stu HAD a girlfriend, current status unknown. While the mack daddies are busy getting phone numbers, David and Gene are turning out to a rather poorly matched team…kind of like Carrie Bradshaw and Aidan. Though Aidan, at least, was good to look at. And so sensitive, so romantic – and, he could build stuff! Sigh…ah, Aidan. Who would pick Mr. Big over you? Stupid Carrie. (Sorry. I have to stop watching those SITC reruns on the Cosmopolitan channel.) Crazy David makes a re-appearance, after being felled with a root canal last week, and starts ragging on Gene’s ill-preparedness. Gene gets huffy and walks away, and the boys end up not rehearsing.
Do you hear that? If you listen closely, it’s the sound of doom. Octane’s show is a hot mess, and the “hot” part of that are the cute models sashaying down the runway. David starts off semi-smooth, then Gene appears, lugging a laptop to the podium and commencing a narrative that sounds like a recorded phone message. He stutters and confuses the names of the shoes with the names of the models. One Octane member comments that it was like “watching a horse die”. I disagree. A horse dying would actually have been funnier. Trump looks dismayed, and the men mournfully prepare for a boardroom paddling.
Are you ready, boys? Start walkin’!
The boardroom starts out nice…heck, it’s a virtual lovefest for Fortitude. The women heap accolades on PM Stephanie and emcee Brandy, and Trump fully concurs. Only one minor skirmish breaks out, when headhunter Catherine nitpicks the scabby legs of one of the male models. (Worth noting – the poor guy had a couple scrapes on his leg, not flesh-eating disease.) Juan questions the underwear finale, but Stephanie is ready, claiming that it was the best way to feature the shoes, as they were sometimes hard to see under the models’ pantlegs. Nice save, Steph, and Trump rewards her with an early declaration of the team’s blowout win, sending them back to their war room to view the rest of the festivities on TV.
The men, Trump declares, were terrible. He again points out Brandy’s flawless performance as emcee, and snarks on Gene’s laptop and boring descriptions of the shoes. Lest David feel safe, Trump notes that he wasn’t exactly a superstar on the podium either. Donald thinks smooth-as-buttah playas Stu & Anand would have been the obvious choice for host duties, but Wade says that’s exactly why they were named as the team’s stylists. He also tells Trump that David & Gene said they were experienced public speakers, and asked to perform as emcees.
It’s all kinda sad for Wade, who really didn’t do a bad job. He’s no match for the Donald, though, who blames him for not “confirming” Gene’s ability to perform. Stu sees a chance to take a shot at David, and lets Trump know that Crazy D insisted on being an emcee. David fires back, saying Stu & Anand just wanted to be around pretty girls. Well, duh. Like that’s going to make them look bad to Donald Trump, the guy who escorted Miss USA to the event.
Trump asks Gene who he should fire, and Gene, obviously deciding to fall on the sword, tells Trump, “If you wanna fire me…fire me.” Donald, natch, is only too happy to oblige, then fires Wade for good measure. If he’s doing group firings, why not include Crazy David as well? Alas, it is not meant to be this week.
Wade, calm as ever, is apparently unconcerned about his firing. He delightedly informs us that as a result of The Apprentice, his real estate career in Minnesota is booming. Gene also shrugs off his dismissal, and is sallying forth with a new business venture, an assisted living facility for the rapidly aging baby boomer demographic. The penthouse suite has your name on it, Mr. Trump.
Would Carrie Bradshaw be seen in Rockports?