Bow-wow! Bow! Wow!
What’s that, Lassie? You say that this week, Donald Trump is having his Apprentices run a hotel for dogs?
Rrrrrrow! Ruff ruff ruff!
Well, I agree with you there, girl. It’s pretty appropriate, given the pitbulls and bitches among this season’s contestants.
Grrrr! Bow-wow ruff-ruff!
Sorry, girl. No leftover ice cream from last week’s task for you. Those bitches…er, Team Fortitude…gave it all away.
Whhhinnneee…yelp yelp yelp
Never mind. We’ll get you some treats from one of these doggie spas. Plus, I want that Dog Whisperer guy to meet you. Let’s see HIM teach an owner to understand dog-speak. Suck on that, Cesar Millan!
catscougars & dogs
So last week, as lildago so brilliantly recapped here, the Apprentices went in for a little ice-cream huckstering and a lotta bickering. Post-win, the women keep up the nasty, as Liza crawls out from the bus she was booted under in the boardroom and resorts to shrieks and near-tears defending herself. Crazy Dave struts into the war room with James in his wake, patting himself on the back for the ouster of Alex. James – who’s pretty neurotic and insecure for a lawyer – worries his team doesn’t like him. It’s weird because James, to me, is like a speedbump…you don’t notice he’s there except for this unpleasant little jolt every once in a while when you run into him.
Fortitude’s PM Poppy is granted an audience with Jack Welch, who was some kind of big deal at General Electric. He’s about a hundred years old and I’m guessing he spends most of his time now as George’s golf partner. Jack appears to be delighted to be in the company of a pretty young blonde he doesn’t have to pay for, and bestows a 2-year scholarship to his business school on Poppy.
Sorry to ruin your anticipation so early on, but as Lassie & I mentioned a couple paragraphs ago, this week’s task is to run a hotel-slash-spa for dogs. The Apprenti will be judged on execution (of the task, there’s no putting down of animals, it’s not the humane society after all), creation of a “value added service”, and the overall experience. The cool part – a visit from Cesar Millan, the aforementioned Dog Whisperer and more of a magician than that greasy-haired Criss Angel could ever hope to be. Octane’s PM will be James, which sends Crazy Dave into paroxysms of joy at the thought of him being responsible for a loss, while Fortitude’s PM will be Miss Cougar California (her actual title), Tyana.
Team Octane – Too Many Pack Leaders, Not Enough Choke Chains
At Octane, Wade is the first to speak up and claim dog ownership and experience in handling and training. PM James doesn’t appear to give a crap (pun intended) and is more worried about getting his team to forgive him for whatever it was he did wrong in the last task. However, being annoying is not easily forgiven. A brainstorming session, where someone comes up with the spiffy idea of having doggie nanny-cams in the daycare section of the hotel/spa, is curtailed when James & Crazy Dave (and yes, I am going to call him that until he starts taking his meds) have to leave the room to argue. Crazy Dave goes in for the smart-mouthed sniping, while James heaves sighs of exasperation and makes a superficial effort to placate his rogue teammate.
Similar to a preschool teacher giving a naughty child a job to make him feel important and thus nip bad behavior in the bud, James puts Crazy Dave in charge of the webcams. Alas, Crazy Dave apparently did not have an understanding preschool teacher in his formative years, and he continues to act like a dick. A meeting with the doggie spa owner (an aside – this task is rather confusing, but it appears that the Apprentices are only being charged to run an existing business, rather than create one) goes sour as James is dismissive of the owner – who, unfortunately, will also be one of the task judges. Crazy Dave mumbles a rude remark in the owner’s hearing, and the guy huffs out of the room looking pissed.
Ivanka, whose dress is screaming in protest as it’s stretched to bursting over her ta-ta’s (she & Heidi Montag must have the same plastic surgeon) makes an early visit to the team. She’s not impressed with James’ nervous demeanor, and James moans that leading his team is like herding cats. Dogs, James! This task is about dogs! Focus, buddy.
Members of Octane enter with building materials for some stupid idea involving a grand entranceway for the doggie hotel, but alas, Gene has forgotten to buy nails. Crazy Dave decides to channel MacGyver and begins an attempt to make nails out of binder clips. Somewhere, Mike Holmes is weeping. James calls Crazy D on the obvious stupidity of such an endeavor, then benches him for the remainder of the task. Crazy Dave fusses a bit but then decides to relish the opportunity of crushing James in the boardroom.
Did I mention that there’s a ton of cute dog footage sprinkled throughout the hour? Day 2 of the task is opening day, and I’m assuming the teams actually did something, though it’s hard to tell what, exactly. But at least the cute dogs arrive. The Man, Cesar Millan, arrives at Octane’s operation and is disappointed that there are too many leaders in the pack, but he likes the webcam idea. I’m disappointed he doesn’t do that cool thing he does, tapping a dog on it’s hindquarters and making this shushing noise, and having the dog drop at his feet like it’s been tranquilized.
Team Fortitude – The Bitch Who’s Scared of Dogs
I’m telling you, the best thing about writing the recap this week is getting to use the word “bitch” gratuitously. But in context, of course. On Fortitude, the loudest barker/whiner/growler of all, Mahsa, confesses to a fear of dogs. Tyana doesn’t seem to buy it, and frankly, neither do I…any dog subjected to Mahsa’s nasal stridency would be cowering at her heels. Mahsa claims to years of experience working at her mom’s salon and wants the front desk job. She’s put out when Tyana claims that spot for herself, and calls Tyana a jealous cow. That’s cougar to you, missy. The ladies confer with their spa owner and decide their “value-added” hook will be something called Tailwag Tuesdays, which will feature a goodie bag for dogs and their owners.
Junior oozes in, dripping hair oil and insincerity, to pet some dogs and get the lay of the land. Mahsa, who’s been banished to the doggie daycare area and is busy pretending to shy away from several perfectly well-behaved pups, complains to Junior about the team mismanagement. Meanwhile, Fortitude’s scapegoat Liza has been anxiously making herself useful by creating the spa’s signage and banners, but hits a technical snag when she can’t send the files electronically to the printer. The women scramble and the glitch is straightened out, amid much moaning and groaning about how Liza sucks.
Cesar makes his entrance and the girls squeal like a rockstar has entered the building. Tyana greets him, and Cesar is impressed by Tyana’s energy as it’s good for the pack. For those of you who are not Dog Whisperer fans – I’m not making this up, he actually talks like this. And it’s awesome. Cesar also gives Mahsa a quick obedience lesson, telling her not to touch dogs when they're eating. Then he tweaks her butt and she collapses in a heap at his feet. I’m telling you…the dude is magic.
Where James gets neutered and Dave gets his rabies shot
It’s boardroom time and Trump wants to know if everything went well for James. Why yes, James answers politely. Crazy Dave yips in protest, decrying his “firing” at the hands of James. The binder clip debate re-emerges, but gets pushed to the side when Clint complains about James’ mishandling of the spa owner. The focus turns to Fortitude, and Tyana rhapsodizes about her team flow being organic, or some such nonsense. Mahsa whines about being banished to the dog “pit” and having to touch poop, and being denied the chance of playing receptionist. Cheer up, Mahsa…maybe once you’re fired, you can get a job at a salon answering phones. Seeing as how the whole lawyer thing doesn’t appear to be working out for you. Somehow Stephanie drags Liza and her utterance of the “b” word into the mix, and Liza again gets teary and defensive.
Not surprisingly, Cesar Millan loved Fortitude and they’re declared the winner. As winning PM, Tyana’s prize is a meet ‘n’ greet with Russell Simmons, hip-hop fashion guru and former husband of Kimora Lee. Trump dismisses the women, and reminds Liza to play nice because she still has to live with those bitches. Well, if anyone has experience living with bitches, it’s the Donald.
Let’s not pretend that there’s even a dog whisper of a chance that anyone except James will get fired, okay? His takedown begins in earnest, even though Steuart meekly speaks up and mentions that Crazy Dave didn’t help matters any during the meeting with the spa owner. Ivanka agrees and condemns Crazy D for his lousy attitude. Dave, who’s unbalanced but not stupid, sweetly cops to his behavior but claims he was just pointing out what a loser James is. Except he calls it “errors in judgement”. In finding few fans at the boardroom table, James elects to bring Crazy Dave back for final boardroom (duh) and Wade, because he has to bring someone else. Wade is choked at being named and takes Crazy Dave’s side. Trump Senior and Junior call James out for being too educated and having an air of elitism. And here I thought it was just about James having the personality of a bag of sand.
After Trump chews Crazy Dave’s ass a bit and takes a shot at him for being down and out, James is fired. Wade is bitter and tells James to not let the door hit him in the ass. Our James gets the last laugh, however – apparently after the show he was hired by the New York Attorney General’s office and is having a fine old time there.
Next week, the task is guerilla video – whatever that means – and the men get physical. No, not in THAT way. Get your minds out of the doggie do! The lovely lildago will be here to bring you the fisticuffs and explain this guerilla video thing. In conclusion, words of wisdom from The Dog Whisperer:
“To be happy, (dogs) basically need a good job, and good food, and a pat on the head. “
I hear you, Lassie. Isn’t that what we all need, really?
I vote for Cesar Millan to replace Junior at the boardroom table. Bark if you’re with me!