Right off the bat, I’m going to break one of Bret Michaels’ rules and tell you guys that I’m tired. Tired from a lot of stuff, and especially tired of Donald Trump’s two-hour weekly ego marathons. Not to mention appalled that this week’s episode features two subjects I know nothing about – fashion makeovers and country music. So, Bret, you think there’s no where to go from here? Wrong! Celebrity Apprentice needs a whole new look, and who better to create it than our friends from the TLC network (for our purposes, that’s the Trump Love Channel) – makeover wizards Spacey and The Guy She Hosts The Show With! They have kindly agreed to help me out this week, but because they’re moonlighting, we changed
thinly disguisedtheir names to protect them. And me, because I’m scared of getting sued for copyright infringement.
It wasn’t God who made honky-tonk bitches
Recapper: Sooo, Spacey and…Guy Co-Host…I don’t know much about country music and I’m guessing you two don’t either.
Guy Co-Host: I like cowboys!
Spacey: This challenge isn’t REALLY about country music, though, is it? I mean, if you look good, who cares what you sound like? Isn’t that how people sell music nowadays?
Recapper: Stick to fashion, lady. This ain’t American Idol and you’re no Ellen Degeneres.
Guy Co-Host: I like Ryan Seacrest!
Recapper: Back to THIS show, guys. Now, flick on your laptops. The spy camera, by the way, is hidden in Bret Michaels’ cowboy hat. I think there’s an additional one in Cyndi Lauper’s hair, but it’s hard to tell if she did her hair to hide it or if she just slept hanging upside down.
Spacey: I only agreed to do this if I got to be the one to snark on people’s personal style, so back off!
Recapper: OK, OK. It’s a habit that’s hard to break. Anyway, last week, Selita Ebanks got fired…
Guy Co-Host: Now that was a girl who could rock a pair of wings!
Recapper: Yeah, yeah…anyway, she’s gone and the ladies of team Tenacity are still fighting like a couple waiting for DNA results on the Maury show. Cyndi Lauper is complaining that the young’uns don’t listen.
Spacey: Holly Robinson Peete is pissed at Cyndi and says the team’s “kumbaya moment is over”. Hey, who’s Holly Robinson Peete?
Recapper: Some beyotch who used to be on 21 Jump Street with Johnny Depp back in the ‘80’s. I guess we’re lucky, though…Trump drew straws with the people over at Dancing With The Stars and they lost and got Kate Gosselin.
Spacey: Oooh, yeah…close call. The stories I’ve heard from Jon in the network cafeteria would curl your hair. Incidentally, your hair could use a little more body. What IS that in your hair, by the way? Is that a…banana clip?!?
Recapper: Look, I didn’t have time to do my hair, I’ve got a deadline to meet on these recaps, all right? Curtis Stone is over at the NYC Rescue Mission, in support of his charity, Feeding America. He’s cooking up some grub for the homeless, and Clyde Drexler is there as his kitchen bitch…er, sous chef.
Guy Co-Host: I wouldn’t mind being Curtis’ kitchen bitch.
Recapper: Yeah, well, get in line for that one, honey. Curtis has his $20,000 winnings to hand over to the rep from Feeding America, and Clyde says that Right Guard is matching the donation. Nice.
Spacey: Now that’s a kumbaya moment. Eeeeeee!
Spacey: Look who’s with Donald and the Junior today! Trace Adkins! He’s so hot! I loved him on Celebrity Apprentice! He’s such a great guy!
Recapper: Uh, I think he’s kind of a badass…hard drinker and there was some domestic abuse stuff too…but anyway. They’re meeting in the Rock ’n’ Roll Hall of Fame annex. Sharon Osbourne is still MIA, and Holly’s still pissed about it.
Guy Co-Host: Oooh! Makeover time! The task this week is to take one of two young country artists and make them over, as well as provide them with a press kit and groom them for the media.
Recapper: Why are you acting so gay? You’re not like that on your show. You don’t have to go all Carson Kressley for us, you know.
Guy Co-Host: I was just trying to liven things up a bit. Sorry for helping. Just the straight goods from now on. No pun intended. Cyndi is going to be the project manager for Tenacity, and Goldberg is up for team Rock Solid. Donald asks why Bret’s not in charge when he’s got the music industry expertise, but Bret promises that he’ll be Goldberg’s right hand.
Spacey: Cyndi’s trying to rally her troops, and Maria Kanelis and Holly are claiming to be singers...wow, they’ll do anything to pick a fight with La Lauper. Why does Maria always look like she just raided Bret’s old Poison wardrobe? I don’t have my 360 mirror here, but check it out:
Recapper: Yeah, but Cyndi being in charge of a makeover isn’t much better…I don’t see her brand of personal style going over too well in Nashville. Summer Sanders – wow, if I had upper arms like that, I’d never wear sleeves either – says the team isn’t too cohesive right now. It’s hard to hear her over the constant complaining by Holly & Maria, though.
Guy Co-Host: A Nashville exec is meeting with Rock Solid. Goldberg feels useless – seeing as there’s not anyone around he can bench-press – while Bret leads the discussion. Oh, here comes the country singers – there’s Emily West, a cute-pie blonde, and Luke Bryan, who’s as nondescript as they come. Pick him! Pick him!
Spacey: Wow, Bret’s not drooling over Emily. Ugh, and they’re still catfighting over at Tenacity. Here comes the Nashville suit and the artists. Emily’s music is very Carrie Underwood-ish, I bet they’ll push her in that direction…red carpet style maven with just a touch of hillbilly. Luke is more of a Toby Keith drinking-song type.
Recapper: I thought you didn’t know anything about country music? Where do you hear that stuff in New York?
Spacey: I’m boning up. Simon Cowell is leaving American Idol and there’s an empty spot on the judges’ table. Hint, hint.
Recapper: You have as much chance as scoring that spot as I do. Besides, do you really want to fight Kara for camera time? See, Emily’s a Patsy Cline fan – like there’s any female country artist who isn’t – while Luke likens his style to Alan Jackson. Now the teams have to negotiate to see who gets which artist.
Guy Co-Host: Tenacity agrees that Emily should be their pick, but Holly’s still peeved because Cyndi wants her. This girl needs to get over herself. Cyndi didn’t like Luke’s hair. I couldn’t agree more…the boy is in desperate need of some product. Now they’re arguing over whether or not they should listen to music while waiting for Rock Solid.
Recapper: It’s like watching Mean Girls, but Holly is no Lindsay Lohan.
Spacey: Those leggings LiLo tried to sell killed her career.
Guy Co-Host: No female over age 18 should attempt leggings. They’re so over, anyway…though Bret could pull them off in his day. He’s on the phone now getting insider tips from his industry contacts. Curtis asks him which artist he’d prefer, and Bret says either one will do. Goldberg doesn’t like negotiating with people he can’t beat up. Well, who does?
Spacey: Well, there was no battle, much less a cage match – Tenacity gets Emily, while Luke is headed to Rock Solid. Maria makes a guyliner crack to Bret. Hey, Maria – if you can wear his clothes he can borrow your makeup. Speaking of, you can trowel off some of that eyeshadow – it won’t rub away as quickly as when you’re grappling with other sweaty women in the ring.
Mamas don’t let your babies grow up to be cowboys who get made over by faded 80’s popstars
Recapper: Tenacity is
snipingtalking about the makeover. Maria seems to think Emily needs a body wax, or an extensive shaving session. I didn’t realize she saw that much of Emily during their brief meeting.
Spacey: I’m all about head-to-toe grooming, but unless they’re shooting Emily for the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, they better stick to hair & makeup today.
Guy Co-Host: Cyndi tells Emily that she’s envisioning a leather-and-lace look…a little bit roughneck. That sounds hot.
Recapper: That makes me remember the old Stevie Nicks song…I’m picturing Emily with a spiral perm and a flowy dress. Holly’s still complaining – now she’s on about Cyndi being too controlling – but Emily likes Cyndi’s ideas.
Guy Co-Host: Bret is laying it on thick with Luke – telling him he’s a good-looking, humble guy, but they’re gonna try to bring out his inner rockstar, and offer up four different looks. And then…oh. my. God.
Recapper: What now?
Spacey: This one’s mine. Curtis & Luke are around the same size, so they strip down and trade shirts. I’m so glad I’m Tivo’ing this! You two can come over later and we’ll all re-watch this part.
Recapper & Guy Co-Host: We’re in! You get the wine, we’ll bring snacks!
Spacey: Aw, this is cute. Goldberg is trying to give fashion advice to Luke, but it’s making him feel a lil’ emasculated. Bret’s more of a metro guy, so he’s pretty comfortable, even draping his wallet chain around Luke’s neck. I’m liking it, gives Luke a bit of edge.
Guy Co-Host: Goldberg & Curtis head off to do some shopping. Bret should have gone along. Both Goldberg and Bret need to ease up on the Ed Hardy shirts…and don’t get me started on that bandanna.
Recapper: Uh, I think it’s holding his hair on.
Guy Co-Host: Who the hell is that stylist that’s with the boys? I’m sure I could have freed up my time that day.
Spacey: Cyndi wants a Bridget Bardot look for Emily. I totally would not have gone that way. Maria wants Grace Kelly. Sorry, Maria, Carrie Underwood already owns that look. Maria’s all offended again. Tenacity must have their periods synchronized…it’s not normal for one room to have this much bitchery.
Recapper: Summer seems pretty neutral.
Spacey: Well, those female athletes, they ARE pretty neutered, if you get my drift…oh, Bret is prepping Luke for a People magazine interview. He says never to tell an interviewer that you’re tired.
Recapper: *blushes* Hey, I’m not being interviewed…this is different.
Spacey: Maria’s doing the media training for Emily. Guess she popped some Midol, because she’s very nice to Emily. Cyndi and Summer are shopping but I don’t see anything they’ve actually bought. I can’t go help them, this was filmed ages ago. Next season, we should do this in real time.
Recapper: I’ll leave you to set that up with the Donald. Bret and Luke are working on the press kit, but Luke is resistant to any type of change. This is one tough makeover – dude doesn’t want to BE made over, apparently.
Guy Co-Host: Look, Sharon’s back! And she’s choked she missed the opportunity to be PM on the task. Well, if she can make Ozzy palatable to the general public, she can probably tart up a cute little country singer. Holly’s now accusing Cyndi of micro-managing. Honey, I watched last week – the pot is calling out the kettle here.
Spacey: Cyndi is horror-struck at Emily’s makeup job. They’ve made her look like a pinup girl on a B-horror film poster, complete with big poufy blonde curls. Cyndi’s having her wipe some of the war paint off. Holly claims a little photoshopping is all that’s needed and she’ll be fine.
Recapper: Pfffft. Yeah, a little photoshop and I’m Megan Fox.
Spacey: Megan Fox’s mom, maybe. With some dim lighting and after a couple beers. Cyndi is consulting with Sharon over Emily’s wardrobe. Like a couple of mothers getting their girls ready for prom. Sweet.
Guy Co-Host: Trace is paying his duty calls to the teams. Emily gushes that Trace smells like coffee and leather – like a man. Mmmmmm.
Spacey: Shake it off, buddy.
Guy Co-Host: Trace senses dissention in Tenacity. It has a stronger smell than coffee and leather, apparently. He opines that Cyndi should be given free reign as PM.
Recapper: Uh-oh, Rock Solid’s shopping duo is experiencing traffic woes. They’re stuck and very late, so Bret opts to start Luke’s photoshoot with the clothes on his back and a shirt of Bret’s.
Spacey: The boys finally get there and my, they’ve picked out some lovely outfits. They’ve given Luke an “Elvis vibe”. Very cool, very current. The camera loves Luke. Goldberg keeps snarling at Luke to smile. Bret thinks that Luke is smiling because he’s scared Goldberg might beat him up.
Guy Co-Host: The best way to avoid being beaten up is to avoid eye contact and walk quickly in the other direction, but never run. Trust me.
Spacey: Tenacity has Emily gotten up like Audrey Hepburn. Cyndi’s got a thing for style icons of the mid 20th century. Sharon thinks the black dress gives Emily “attitude”. Well, the spouse of the Prince of Darkness should know from attitude. Maria jumps in the middle of the shoot and starts fluffing Emily’s hair, which needs NO added fluff at this point.
Recapper: Cyndi has some support - Summer is saying that Maria needs to realize Cyndi is the PM here, and Sharon thinks she has good “vision”. Oh, here’s the journalist from People, which apparently has a country music edition. Who knew.
Spacey: Oh God…Emily is wearing that ruffled blouse and leather jacket, which looks totally forced and awkward. They should have stuck with the cocktail dress. The interviewer – that jacket is all wrong for her, too boxy – says Emily is more focused than she was in previous interviews. Emily’s happy for Maria’s earlier help – the media coaching, not the hair fluffing.
Guy Co-Host: Luke should have taken Bret’s advice. His interview is kinda a downer – he could stand to cultivate a little of Bret’s effusiveness. Goldberg doesn’t like how Luke keeps saying, “you know”.
Recapper: He interviews like a hockey player – we used to have a drinking game when we watched National Hockey League games, and they interview a player during intermission – you drink every time he says, “and, uh…”. You’re toasted by the start of the 2nd period.
Guy Co-Host: I could use a martini about now. Journalist Cynthia says Luke came off tired. He seems a little cranky, too – he’s nixing most of the pics from the photoshoot, even though there’s a lot of fabulous ones. This boy is having trouble with the entire concept of a makeover. I smell some of that dissension brewing…
A Boy Named
SueGoldberg – or, Big Bad Goldberg
Guy Co-Host: Emily’s press kit photo is a before shot for a ProActiv ad. You know, that Jessica Simpson one. Holly knows her airbrushing and thinks the lack of touch-ups is going to ick out the judges.
Recapper: Luke’s set to hit the stage, but he seems a little uncomfortable. I don’t know why – he looks pretty much the same as he did pre-makeover, except he’s now wearing Bret’s wallet chain around his neck. His song has something to do with turning corn into whiskey. Makes me want to rush right over to iTunes. Not.
Spacey: Bret claims Luke’s performance was magical and somehow has something to do with the chain. If the chain was that magical, wouldn’t Rock Solid have won more challenges?
Guy Co-Host: Curtis is cute but please, sweetie – never ever ever sing again. Oh good, he’s promised to just keep cooking. Goldberg is clueless but thinks Luke did well.
Spacey: Emily’s doing this mournful ballad, and she looks like she’s dressed for a funeral. This is all a little too Steel Magnolias for me. Cyndi is giving Emily a little pep talk after the show, wishing her the best in the future.
Recapper: The judges are a DJ, someone from the Grand Ol’ Opry, and the People magazine journalist. It’s the usual scripted meet with Trump afterwards, mixed reviews for both – one notes that Emily’s press kit is kinda yuck, and Luke isn’t smiling enough. Guess he wasn’t that scared of Goldberg after all.
Spacey: Trace in the boardroom with Donald & Junior. Oh, it figures – the women are bashing Cyndi right off the bat. Now Maria & Cyndi are arguing over the part in Emily’s hair. Wow. Incidentally, Cyndi’s right – it should have been a middle part. Aw, Maria’s childhood idol dreams of Cyndi have been crushed. Cyndi offers Maria a pic of herself for Maria’s dartboard. Well, it would be easy to fling objects at that dress you’re wearing, Cyndi – were you expecting a funeral too?
Recapper: Hm, Bret is oddly vague about his daughter’s test results, which apparently arrived sometime between the end of the task and the boardroom. Sounds like she’s maybe diabetic but not a Type I like Bret?
Spacey: What are you, TMZ? Next you’ll be tracking down the kid’s doctor. Focus! Goldberg thinks Bret was a superstar “assistant PM” and admits he delegated pretty much everything to Bret.
Guy Co-Host: Trump asking inane questions about Bret’s bandanna. He’s not likely to show YOU what’s under it, Donald. He wants to know why Bret didn’t give Luke a bandanna. Um, because it would be stupid?
Recapper: The teams check out each other’s press kits. Sharon is highly impressed with Rock Solid’s job. The men tactfully say Emily is beautiful. Trump asks Trace for his opinion, then makes some rather rude remarks about whether or not Trace is a “skin man”. Damn, this is an unexpected foray into douchebag territory, even for the Donald. Trace shrivels him with a look, but there’s not stopping Trump now – he tells Maria to remove the mole from her chest.
Spacey: Oh, I love it when unattractive men nitpick beautiful women. Does he realize that the only reason he can get women to sleep with him is because he’s rich?
Guy Co-Host: He’s not rich enough for THAT. Yuuuuck.
Recapper: Trump is still on about the bandanna, too. This kind of stuff is going to get Baron beaten up in the schoolyard one day, Donald. Trace tells him enough, and Trump lays off – guess he realizes Trace is close enough to bitch-slap him.
Spacey: Trace is surprised that the men got Luke to do some things differently, like lose what is apparently a trademark ball cap. If it were up to me, I’d ban those things for everyone except ballplayers.
Guy Co-Host: Sharon says you can only make a star out of someone who has “it”. Trump asks her if he, Donald, has “it” – and Sharon says, “Absof***inglutely”. Trump replies, “F***ing right”. Oooops, can I say that in a recap?
Recapper: I’ll paraphrase. Or use asterisks. Hey, love the stonefaced glares at Trump from Bret & Trace. Bet those two go out for beers later.
Guy Co-Host: Oh, Donald is teasing the teams – the music industry people liked Luke’s press kit but preferred Emily’s overall makeover. Tenacity wins, and Luke & Emily are donating their iTunes proceeds for the next month.
Recapper: Oh sure, guilt me into downloads. Cyndi tells Maria never to meet anyone she admires because she’ll always be disappointed. Isn’t THAT the truth?
Spacey: Are you trying to say something?
Recapper: What? No, of course not…ahem…well, no need for boardroom dramatics, there’s only three left on Rock Solid. The usual Trump interrogation ensues, designed to back up Donald’s firing decision, which of course he made hours, if not days, ago.
Guy Co-Host: Even Bret admits he should be fired. Everyone says Bret did a good job, though. Not his fault Luke was makeover-resistant. Junior goads Goldberg a bit, asking if it was a free ride for him…uh, oh, Junior, the big guy takes offence. A little back-and-forth about the actual percentage of work Bret did. Was it 95%? 87%? 70%? Goldberg admits his math is not good.
Spacey: His excuses aren’t much good, either. He should keep quiet and let Bret do the talking. By the way, nice black suit, Bret, very sharp. Bret says Goldberg got his turn as PM so that he could have the opportunity to earn some money for his charity.
Recapper: A totally valid point but Trump ignores it. Trump likes Bret’s bandanna enough to save him this week, anyway – he fires Goldberg because he thinks it was dumb of Goldberg to step up as PM. Nicely done – if Goldberg had refused PM duties, he would have fired him for being too lazy to step up. His logic is splendidly diabolical.
Spacey: Bret is upset, sick to his stomach, poor lad. Trump jeers at him, telling him to be happy he’s safe, and Bret fires back that he’s happy (not) for helping his friend lose. Trace tells Donald he made the wrong decision. Lots of back-talk this week – loooove it!
Guy Co-Host: That Bret is one sassy cat. I like it. I’m even starting to like the bandanna.
Spacey: Are we done now?
Recapper: I guess so. What’s your hurry?
Spacey: I have something for you. *whips out a Visa card and smiles evilly”
Recapper: What? No! I don’t want a makeover!
Guy Co-Host: You are wearing a crumpled pair of Walmart shorts, two sizes too big, and a wifebeater with your bra straps showing. Not to mention the banana clip in your hair. Did you even brush your teeth today? You are SO going shopping.
Recapper: Wait, no way! That’s not fair! I never even left the house today, except to hit the drive-thru for coffee this morning!
Spacey: Don’t be so resistant. There’s no reason you can’t be stylish, even if you’re spending your day in front of the computer. Besides, we’ve been watching you. *gets up and approaches Recapper*
Recapper: *screams and runs from the room*
Guy Co-Host: Oh, we’ll catch her. She won’t get far – the front door is blocked with our portable 360-mirror. Next time you see this recapper, she’ll be stylin’ in totally inappropriate, overpriced clothes for her lifestyle! Not to mention an unflattering haircut and color! That’s a couple weeks away, though, so in the meantime, check out lildago’s – a girl who’s in no need of our makeover services - utterly fabulous recaps!
Spacey: Bye for now! And don’t be afraid to be the one to start the email campaign for me to replace Simon Cowell! All nominations welcome! Spacey…out!
For the love of God…I can’t go to my kid’s soccer games in a blazer and heels!