Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, here tonight to bring you the final installment of Donald Trump’s never ending search for the next heir to Trumpville. Never mind your sanity, just check that at the city line because Trumpville is nothing if not 75 ways of crazy. Because in Trumpville, you don’t have to be the best to win, you just have to be the one The Hair likes the most. However, I am getting ahead of myself. Way ahead as this blockbuster extravaganza of ego is three hours long. This is about 2 hours and 45 minutes longer than it has to be, in my opinion. Never fear, though, we recappers here at FoRT live solely to make your lives easier by watching the srap so you don’t have to. We’re nice that way.
The show begins with an endless recap of the previous week’s insanity. I refuse to recap a recrap, so you’ll just have to read my write up of it, here.
The whole tone of the episode is summed up in the very beginning with The Coiffure’s opening remarks, “Who will become the next Celebrity Apprentice? Will it be the legendary comedienne Joan Rivers, or do I pick the vicious poker player, Annie Duke?” Trump assures us he hasn’t made his decision yet and I say hogwash. He made his decision before the show even aired its first episode. Then he tells us that NBC has renewed the show for another season. Oh for Pete’s sake, NBC, hire some writers and get some real programming on I beg you and cut the show down to one hour a week. Trust me, that’s all we really need to see. Then to add insult to injury, they begin a way too long recap of the entire season. Since the lovely Phonegrrrl and I have been slaving away to recap the shows for you all season long, I shall forgo recapping the recap. I’m sure you understand.
The show finally really begins with both women returning to the suite just after the Boardroom. Annie tries to talk with Joan, but the she doesn’t want to talk to Annie or have anything to do with her. Joan says she doesn’t want to be childish and I wonder what is stopping her now that hasn’t stopped her before? Of course, she has to say that she only deals with her equals before leaving the room. Nice.
The women meet with Trump to learn their final task and first off it is time to pick their teams. Annie wins the coin flip and picks Brande first. Joan by passes her daughter (revealed to us by Melissa that this was a ‘strategy’, thinking correctly that know way would Anne ever pick Melissa) and takes Herschel. Smart choice, given who is standing before them. Anne picks Dennis Rodman who to his credit does not have a vodka and cranberry with him at the moment and Joan picks Clint Black. Finally, Annie chooses Tom Green and Melissa is on her mother’s team by default.
The task is as follows: each team will have to execute a VIP party with a silent auction. The teams will be responsible for getting the auction items, for loading the Kodak video picture frame with images that are Celebrity Apprentice related as well as pictures and video that represents the brand association Kodak wants and finally they will have to sell tickets to the Cirque Du Soleil’s Wintuk. These tickets are to be sold at face value to the average man on the street. Ivanka kindly gives us the judging criteria: money raised, product placement (Kodak digital frame), charity integration, how many celebrities are at the VIP parties and overall party fun. These alleged criteria seem to be all equally weighted, which I find odd. Since people were fired for not bringing in enough money in the past, I don’t see why that is weighted equally. Not to mention it is the only objective way to judge these two using the stated criteria – the other criteria are all subjective. Ahh, but we are dining in Trumpville tonight and we all know the Coiffure likes things vague so that he can do whatever he wants in life or in contracts. Allegedly. The events will take place in the same room at the same time, they must use the same company for party design and they will each have a double decker bus to support their efforts in ticket selling. They will be busy, busy, busy.
And back live, we get to talk with some of the eliminated celebs including Andrew Dice Clay, Claudia Jordan, Scott Hamilton and Jesse James. Khloe Kardashian missing, presumably in Trumps mind she is running over little old ladies whilst downing a Bud so there fore is not welcome on his show. Sheesh. I still don’t get why he was so tough on her when she was paying her dues to society and then invited Dennis back to ‘redeem’ himself. Oh well, so goes the rules of Trumpville. If you’re a favorite, your favored, if not, it’s to the curb with the trash. Natalie Gulbis and Tionne Walker are not in attendance and I am presuming they had previous engagements. Nice to let us in on it, Trumpster.
Back to the task at hand. Melissa says she’d rather had Tom or Dennis instead of Clint, but maybe Mommy dearest was thinking better the devil you know than the devil you don’t. Joan says it is a battle of good verses evil. Personally, I am undecided who falls into which category.
On Annie’s team, she begins assigning duties and asks Tom and Dennis to sell the Wintuk tickets . She quizzes Dennis on whether he will be able to raise any money and he seems to sidestep the issue with his usual mumblings but in the war room he presents Annie with $20,000 on behalf of the Detroit Pistons and the LA Lakers! Whoohooo, let’s hear it for the hoops!
The Kodak exec meet with both teams separately. He tells Joan’s team that he wants ordinary people to have a red carpet experience and have a chance to feel like stars. I wonder if that means they will have paparazzi chasing them and taking photos of them in compromising positions? Clint promises the exec they will ask themselves what would Gene Simons do and then do the opposite. Hee hee! In their meeting with Annie’s team, the focus is on the capabilities of the digital photo frame, turns out it can play videos as well. Annie puts the kibosh on Tom and he turns on his out calling Annie ‘acerbic’. I call her a mom reining in an annoying child. I love her for this.
Clint lets us know that the project is too big for just the four of them and he’s glad he’s not the pm. Clint, I’m sure you’re not the only one on your team to be glad of that. Melissa wants to do the picture frame part of the task and Herschel will work on raising moohlah. Clint says he is tapped out and doesn’t know anyone in Manhattan. Joan gives him a list of the other tasks that need doing and he doesn’t seem to want to do any of them.
We have a Jim Cramer moment. ‘Nuff said.
Brande is working her silicone and raising money. Annie is working Joan’s comments about poker players into every money pitch to every person she talks too. Tom Green is afraid what will happen if he doesn’t raise money.
Over at Joan’s they are working the money lead as well. Well, Clint seems to be working the social networking aspect, but not so much the cold hard cash aspect. Queen Joan is not happy.
Annie and Brande meet with the event planner and seem to have a plan for design. Annie is talking about hanging giant placards with invisible wire and Tom makes a joke about how hard it is to find invisible wire. They just look at him and he goes on to explain it to them. Err, Tom, it’s not funny if you have to explain the joke. Dennis is standing behind Annie and calls her on his cell – she tells him she’ll have to call him back. I giggled.
Over at Team Joan, Melissa is extolling the virtues of Mommy and tells us that Joan does this type of event a lot but likes her own people who know her tastes and dislikes. The seeds of the incompetent designer are being sowed.
Cut to the ticket sellers. Or the lack of ticket selling. Dennis and Tom are hitting the streets for Team Annie and not having much luck it seems. Tom suggests they get a drink and Dennis quickly makes sure that we know he is only kidding.
Melissa and Herschel are on their double decker bus to sell tickets. Herschel has a most excellent idea of selling all of their tickets to a donor and then giving the tickets away to people on the street. Then there is Tom who is busy avoiding getting konked on the head by street signs.
The Trumpette’s are back trying to earn their pieces of Daddy’s millions. They meet with Joan first and Ivanka is encouraging and helpful. Then they meet with Annie and offer her nothing. Seems they got the memo on who’s the favored one from Daddy.
Meanwhile, Joan is having severe doubts about her party planner and says “We are in deep do-do”. My how lady like she can be when not comparing people to Hitler. Melissa and Herschel having gotten rid of all their tickets are now getting pics of people sharing moments to tie in with the Kodak Easy Share theme. They get a nice picture of a newly married couple in Times Square who for some absurd reason are very excited about having met Melissa Rivers.
Team Annie are working the phones gathering an array of really cool auction items and even getting to hob nob with celebrities. Real ones.
Joan is using all her charms on her event planner. You know, rudeness, bringing in other designer’s and being deliberately obtuse when presented with ideas. Finally, the poor guy hangs up. It seems he has not fallen pray to the botoxed ones charms. He’s quit.
Cut to Annie, who is unable to reach her planner by phone. At all. She and Brande need to sign contracts for some ice sculptures for their even, so they head over to the designer’s office. The same office that Joan’s ex-designer has. When they arrive, their designer won’t talk to them, won’t tell them why just puts up her hand to the camera and says they need to leave. Annie manages to meet with them off camera and comes out from the room livid because the designer has allegedly told her that they won’t work with her because Joan pissed them off. Hmmm, Trump didn’t write those contracts very well, did he? Unless, could it be? Could this be a producer driven plot point? Here, on this bastion of reality programs? Could they stoop so low as to have the producers interfere with the task? But reality programs never do that! I. am. shocked. Not.
However, that does not help poor, by product of Joan’s wrath, Annie. It’s 5 pm on a Friday night and who are they going to call? Joan Busters! Sorry, it had to be done. Come on, they’re in NYC for Pete’s sake! You know you wanted me to say it. Annie is mad and vows to crush Joan and then gets on the phone telling and re-telling the entire story until her friends agree to help her just so they can get her off their dang phones! Being so amazing, as she is quick to tell us at every conceivable turn, her friends all agree to help her.
Joan calls her charity for help and they agree to come and help. They are all volunteers and Joan is a little worried because no one is a professional designer. Annie is worried about her star power.
Work is going on now in Joan’s area and she is feeling better about it. She’s also worried about the lack of star power, but Herschel comes up with another great idea, use celebrity impersonators. Seems like fun, but I am not sure if it meets the criteria or not. But hey, this is Trumpville, so who knows? Besides, celebrities are an illusion of the unattainable, right? So it seems that celebrity impersonators would fit that criteria.
Annie’s buds have come to help and her space is beginning to come together. Annie wants it to be high end and classy. She and Tom are in the van together and she is going off yet again on her favorite topic: Joan. Tom tells Annie that she is letting Joan get to her and she is all Annie talks about. Not quite Tom, Annie talks about herself quite a bit as well.
Joan is in search of impersonators and is on the phone with a friend of hers who just lost his mother. This is something she knew before she called him. Still, she calls him, because this is Trumpville and what’s more important than winning Celebrity Apprentice? Amazingly, the guy answers and promises to help even as the minister is intoning prayers for his departed mother. Joan’s team has some cool stuff for the auction as well: I spied a Brent Favre jersey and a necklace from Hilary Clinton. Clint is describing each item and has Herschel filming him, apparently to be out into the Kodak frames.
Over on Annie’s team, she has them using her charity in the frames. She has a new Darfur video and a number of images that she wants Tom to load into the digital frame. She gives him pretty specific instructions, but he appears to ignore them and to do it his own way. Apparently, he is some type of amazing editor – his words, not mine. He’s insulted when she doesn’t just take his word that it is wonderful. Yeah, well, I wouldn’t take the word of a guy who spent an hour dodging street signs on top of a double decker bus either.
Joan’s room has been pulled together quite nicely. The entrance way is through a giant replica of the Kodak digital frame and it looks pretty awesome. The auction tables, though, are full of little moving Clint’s that look rather creepy all together like that. Joan is not amused and says that Clint has an amazing ego and if he went to a bar, he’d pick himself up. Ba dum dump. She thinks she should have had members of her charity doing the descriptions. Shoulda, woulda, coulda.
And the events begin. Finally. A faux Joan greets the visitors as they walk in and I giggle as one guest thinks he is really talking to Joan herself. Well, to be fair, the impersonator did look better. Never to be out done, Dennis Rodman has his own little impersonation going on as he is all decked out in a grand deep blue outfit. He looks Fabulous! Well, not really, but not bad for a dude in a dress.
Annie is shown working her room and getting people to bid up and up. In other words, doing what she does best. Dennis complains that it is not a real party, but more like a grand networking event. In other words, boring. I concur. Booooorrrrrriiinnnggggg. The party gets a bit of a lift when performers from Wintuk show up in costume and entertain the crowd.
However, over on Joan’s side the party is rocking. She has Kathy Griffin and some ex Idol person – don’t ask me who for I have no idea and everyone has boas and smiles on.
Trump and the Kodak exec show up and survey the scene and then everyone hops in the double decker bus to see the Wintuk show. I am jealous.
Cut from the relieved happiness of the show to the Boardroom. Trump falls all over himself thanking Dennis for coming back. And being sober. Well, ok, I thanked Dennis for being sober, but hey, same thing. Trump asks Joan how she liked her team and she diplomatically said “We got it done”. Trump turns his questions to Melissa and her classy departure from the show. Melissa quote the Rivers party line about playing with integrity and honor (barf bags anyone?) and she was subjected to lies and deceit and it just brought the worst out in her.
Trump turns to Annie and she defends her poker friends. She says that poker is a skill game. Trump responds that poker is still a gamble and Annie states, “less than the stock market.” Hmmm, isn’t real estate a gamble as well? Just saying. Trump wants to know from Dennis how Annie did as a leader and Dennis says it was her ‘time to shine’. Tom says that she is an impressive fundraiser. Ivanka points out that fundraising is only one of Trump’s pointless criteria for winning.
And now we come to the inevitable designer war. Annie has barely gotten her side of the story out when Joan bursts in with “Liar!” Annie tries again making sure to say that this is what she was told, that it was because of Joan’s actions the designer quit and Joan just keeps on interrupting her with “Lies!”, “Mafia money!”, “Lies!”, “Despicable!” :Hitler!”. Ok, she didn’t dare bring up Hitler again, but you know she was thinking it.
Trump wants to know who did design their spaces if they had no even planner. Joan says her charity volunteers did it and Annie says her friends helped her and this drives Melissa to begin going on about the constant string of lies, etc. Pretty soon Trump has lost all control as the Rivers Twins begin to get louder and louder and drown out all other sounds in the western hemisphere. Bleh. I tire of them. Let’s get to the result, shall we?
Ivanka reports that Joan raised $150, 830 and Junior reports that Annie brought in $465,725, thrashing Joan’s total soundly. Junior reports that Annie had better charity integration, but Ivanka claims that Joan has won on all the other subjective criteria. How convenient.
Cut back to the live stage. Someone please tell me this is almost over. Out comes the four helpers and Trump quizzes Dennis on how he is doing and asks him if he still likes Jesse. Dennis says that Jesse didn’t need to embarrass him and Jesse says that Dennis is stupid if he doesn’t want to care about himself. Then Trump wants to know if Melissa feels bad about embarrassing herself. No, she doesn’t. Well ,hey, to her credit I am sure she is used to the embarrassment.
Go Kodak for taking a corporate tax break by donating equipment to all the charities involved.
Out come Joan and Annie. Joan is happy her charity is getting more recognition, Melissa is proud of her mother and Brande says we’ll never know if she could have beaten Annie.
Clint says he would fire the editor and Jesse says he would hire Annie. Dennis says he’d hire Joan. So would Scott Hamilton. Wow, forgot he was even on the show.
Piers Morgan and Trace Adkins are paraded out. They both confirm that being on the show has brought both money and recognition for their charities and Trace says there is positive pending legislation surrounding food allergies. Of course, Trump presses them to pick a winner and Trace picks Joan. Piers says why bother when it is clear according the ‘criteria’ that Joan has won.
Trump asks Joan why she should win and she says it is because she represents an honorable new way of doing business. Maligning your opponent to their face – that’s the honorable way! Annie says she should win because she raised more money and has won more tasks and had more wins as a PM. Then she brings up the designer fiasco again and I just begin shaking my head because any thought I was holding out that Annie might pull this off was dashed under yet another tirade de Joan.
The Hair questions his offspring on who he should hire, acting like he actually cares about their opinions. Neither one really gives an answer.
So, after all of the celebrity carnage and the hundreds of dollars raised for charity, who will get the dubious honor of being Trump’s apprentice?
Trump turns to Annie and says “Annie, you’re fired.” Joan wins and all is well in Trumpville where delusions of grandeur give way to the ladders of social climbing and any hope of common sense is dashed. But free hair products for everyone!
And so folks, we come to the end of another season of Celebrity Apprentice. On behalf of myself and my talented co-capper, Phonegrrrl, we wish you caviar dreams and cranberry and vodka wishes….