Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, here once again to bring you the trials and tribulations of our hapless celebrities as they traverse the world of big bad business and attempt to stay out of the paths of whores and pit vipers. Or is that pit whores and vipers? Viper whores and pits? I don’t remember, but I am sure we will be reminded of it til the point of nausea tonight as we witness the revenge of Joan. If she bothers to show up. If you missed the show last week, you missed a really good set of tantrums done by Joan and her
pit whore viperdaughter, Melissa. To bone up on all the action, read Phonegrrrl’s most excellent recap, here.
We start off as I suspected with an extended recap of last week - including Melissa stomping around in her boot yelling she won’t give any interviews and Mama Joan prattling on about dumb blondes and saying she is leaving as well. In the aftermath of those classy exits, we hear that Jesse does not expect Joan to be back, but Brande and Annie both think she will. Brande is particularly upset that she was called a dumb blonde, though I don’t know why. You’d think she be used to it by now.
Clint gets to deliver the award of $20,000 to his charity and the recipient happens to be the International Rett Syndrome Foundation. This neurological disease that primarily affects girls is what his niece died of and so it is fitting that he is able to hand his check over to his brother. His brother says that it brings them that much closer to a cure. I looked it up on the net and it is a devastating disease that is fatal. More power to them to find a cure.
After the touchy feely moment is over, it is time to get down to business – mainly to get their next task and ultimately let the Coiffure fire someone so we can be one step closer to the end of this season. The teams assemble in the lobby outside the board room sans Joan and everyone is wondering where she is and will she actually show up. Trump, Ivanka, Trump Jr. and a couple of unrecognizable suits enter the lobby and stand in front of the group. As Trump begins to speak the elevator dings menacingly, the doors open and out steps Joan claiming that her taxi was late. I’m thinking it’s probably more likely the producers grabbed her down in the lobby and kept her there until enough time had passed so she could make a grand suspenseful (allegedly) entrance. She says she didn’t want her team to suffer because she wasn’t there. More likely she was told she wouldn’t get paid if she didn’t complete her time on the show. Trump chimes in that if anyone does anything to his kids, they’d have a problem with him. I say Melissa is a grown up who obviously has a skewed view of the world and what the world owes her and Mommy just feeds into that. It’s a game, you twits.
Anyway, the task this week is to update the Chicken of the Sea tuna jingle (Ask any mermaid you happen to see, what’s the best tuna? Chicken of the Sea) to make it more relevant to today’s consumer. They will also have to create a thirty second radio spot. Project manager for Athena will be Annie, since Brande was just pm for the last task and pm for Kotu is Clint again, due to his music experience. $20,000 will go to the charity of the winning pm.
Team Athena is freaking out because between the two of them, they would need to hire a mariachi band to carry a tune for them. As Brande said, “Holy Srap!” But they set to work doing what they do best and that is researching the heck out of the brand. They also meet first with the executives and find out that women are the target consumers and that three key words to the product are “Natural, healthy, and convenient.” Back in their war room, Annie throws out some suggestions for the 30 second spot that seem pretty predictable to me, but what do I know.
When Kotu meets with the tuna execs I am relieved that Clint does not suggest a sexy jingle and spot. He does want to know if they are ok with using humor, but asks it in such an odd way that the execs look at him a bit oddly. Still, one of the execs admits to the camera that he is a huge Clint Black fan. In Kotu’s war room, Jesse begins to toss out some ideas and Clint rejects them. Joan is afraid that Clint will do an unfunny commercial and they may ultimately lose.
Athena is in big trouble. They are trying to figure out a jingle in their van ride to the studio and it is not going well. It is really not going well. In fact, at this point they would be doing well if they hired a tone deaf 5 year old to sing it for them. Still, they are laughing through it, but it is more that hysterical laughter that overtakes some people when they know all hope is lost. They decide that Annie has a wee, very wee that is, more musicality than Brande, so Annie will work on the jingle.
Clint is in his element and gets to work on the jingle. He thinks if he begins each line with the word ‘naturally’ it will add some punch to the jingle. He plays his masterpiece for the others and they all think it is a musical masterpiece akin to Beethoven’s 9th. To me, it sounds like any other country song that has ever been written about tuna fish. I half expected to hear his wife ran away with the tuna leaving him the empty can….
Athena actually has a jingle going on. Well, the lyrics to a jingle, anyway. The tune leaves a lot to be desired, if it could even be considered a tune. They go to work on the commercial spot and their first effort is almost double the length they are allowed, so they work on trimming it down. They bring it into the recording studio and Brande and an extra work to bring it to life. It’s boring, but how exciting can tuna be, anyway? Nevermind. Trump Junior stops by to observe and sees them working very well together. He shows that he is truly his father’s son by practically drooling when Brande mentions she might come in a mermaid costume to the presentation.
Joan and Jesse think that Clint’s jingle should be a bit peppier, and I agree. No one walks around humming a funeral dirge, just saying. Joan sends Jesse in to do the dirty work and he talks very gently with Clint. Clint agrees to have the band do a more up beat version, but ultimately he and the band think that the long version is best. Clint seems to think he is listening to his team this time around, but I disagree. Then Joan wants to end Clint’s jingle with “click, cluck, cluck splash.” At first I thought she meant it to be like a cartoon type of voice over with an actual splash, which might have been cute, but she just meant to do it as she walked by with a sign. Which was stupid. I don’t blame for nixing that one, but you’d think he would have listened to her ideas. Ivanka stops by and thinks the jingle sounds old-fashioned and wonders if it will come down again to Clint not listening.
Team Athena is breathing some tunage into their jingle. After my ears recovered from listening to Annie lurch her way through a tune, the jingle itself is not bad. It’s catchy and hummable, and everyone in the studio seems to be happy with it. Annie and Brande are very happy with it.
Over at Kotu, Clint is immersed in his own creative juices and is ignoring the fact that this task is actually made up of two parts: the jingle and the 3o second radio spot. Joan and Jesse are concerned that he is spending too much time on the jingle and not enough on the spot. Joan proposes walking across with a sign and a funny walk and revisits the stupid cluck cluck splash. Clint shoots them both down.
Finally, we are at the presentations. Athena is up first with Annie doing the presentation. She is very bubbly and seems very excited about her jingle. The execs seem to like the jingle as well as they smile and bob along to it. The 30 second spot seems to have too many words that all blurb together, but it gets the job done.
Kotu has Jesse introducing Clint accompanied by Joan doing the pointless walk with the sign across the stage. Clint’s song is what it has been the whole time, nice, but not very catchy. The 30 second spot done by Joan and Jesse is a bit better, the repetition of phrase will play well on the radio.
Joan, ever polite and ingratiating, says that they may have won, but “Annie can do everything, you know. The task should have been ‘walk on water’. Wow, first Hitler and now Christ. Joan must be changing her mind about Annie.
In the boardroom, we hear both jingles and spots. Annie and Brande sing along to theirs prompting the Coiffure to say that Annie may have some musical talent, but Brande definitely doesn’t. I giggle with Ivanka. Annie concedes that Clint’s song is better, but hey, he is Grammy Award winning Clint Black, so one would hope it would be better.
Junior says the tuna execs liked Athena’s campaign, saying they hit all the main points and that the jingle was catchy. They liked the radio spot but really wanted them to mention it comes in both pouches and cups. This prompts Trump wondering what a pouch is and why is it better than the old fashioned can and it all comes down to a lack of can opener needed. Thrilling. Like the Hair would know how to use one even if he knew where to find one.
Ivanka says the execs loved the performance of Kotu and liked the spot for it comedic slant. What they didn’t like is that the jingle was very much geared towards country and that not everyone likes country music. They also didn’t like they didn’t harp on the convenience of the product.
Athena wins! Let me repeat that, because Annie surely does over and over, Athena beat the Grammy award winning Clint Black and his team. Annie is crying with the happiness of it all. They are sent back to the suite to rejoice.
There is still half a show left, so I am going to make this short and sweet. Kotu lost because of the jingle. There was some talk of the radio spot, but when push came to shove, it was the song and the song was Clint’s so goodbye to Clint. Thank goodness the Hat is finally gone. His squinty eyes always freaked me out.
A few stares from Joan in the suite and then Trump calls them back to the boardroom. It seems Piers Morgan is going to interview each of them and report back to the Coiffure who he thinks should be in the final.
Brande is up first. It is clear that Piers does not like her having bought into the dumb blonde theory. She says she is here for charity and is not a dumb blond and hates that she is perceived that way. Piers tells trump that to have her in the finale would demean the show because she isn’t smart enough. Bull puckey. Piers is probably afraid of her. She is way too much silicon for that British wimp.
Joan is up next. They talk about Joan quitting the game and coming back, the personal issues she has had with Annie. Joan spends the majority of the interview dissing Annie. She does mention that she would kill to win. Piers tells Trump that Joan is complicated – really? Complicated? How complicated is it to be single minded set on revenge?
Annie is up and Piers quizzes her on Joan, being a poker player and what not. Annie tells him she manipulated the others into letting her be pm on the fund raiser tasks. In reality, she said, they should never have let her head up those tasks, because there was no way she was going to lose them and therefore could not be fired. Piers tells Trump that Annie is the smartest one there and is playing Joan really well.
And then there is Jesse. Piers revisits his theme of why he’s not using his famous wife to bring in the big bucks. Jesse says he thinks the show is about doing well on the tasks, not about how much money he brings in. He apparently does not realize that in Trump’s world it is always about money.
Piers makes his recommendations to Trump, but we don’t hear them. You know so that we are kept in suspense because we’re all stupid and can’t figure out that this whole season has been a build up to a Annie verses Joan finale. Oh, sorry, did I ruin it for you? I doubt it.
And it is back to the boardroom with the lot of them. Trump asks Annie who she wants to go up against. Annie says that Joan has the weakest fundraising skills – but Ivanka says Jesse has raised less. Annie starts to say she feels bad for Joan who says she only wants her peers to feel badly for her, so Annie can’t. Viper tongued little troll. Oh, did I say that out loud? I mean, really, Joan simply does not know the meaning of the word ‘gracious’. I understand that deference should be made because she is older than the dirt on Mars, but really.
You know what, I could go ahead and let y’all know the boardroom diatribe word for word, but it is pretty much Joan taking swipes at Brande and Annie and pretty much acting like a disturbed shrew. She took every opportunity to push Brande under the Annie bus. Ultimately, Trump fires Brande. I know, shocking.
Next, Trump turns his sights on Jesse and the same old tired arguments are laid out: Jesse’s too laid back, Jesse isn’t using his famous wife to make money. Jesse isn’t sufficiently special enough to be with the lovely Sandra Bullock. Blah Blah Blah. It all leads up to what we know is coming. Trump fires Jesse.
And the final two are Joan and Annie who will face off in the most difficult task ever presented in the history of the
worldApprentice. Annie attempts to offer Joan some compliments and Joan just fires nonsense back and even Trump can tell that it is useless and tells that to Annie.
And we’re done. Come back next week for a fight to the death in the Celebrity Apprentice Finale.