Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, here to bring you the latest Celebrities Behaving Badly otherwise known as Trump’s Darlings. To bring you up to speed in a brief sentence: R & B sang the Blues when Brian went home and the Ivanka followed Daddy’s most excellent example by pimping her own jewelry line on the show – under the guise of charity, of course. If you missed last week you can catch up on all the shenanigans by reading Phonegrrrl’s fab recap here. One important little tidbit to keep in mind: when we had last left our happy little fundraisers, Natalie had thought that it was a good idea to phone a competitor of Annie’s in the poker world to get him to bid against her. Just keep that in the back of your mind, there will be a quiz later.
Ah, it seems like just yesterday when Piers Morgan was booring his way into our hearts, but now he is back as Trumpster’s right hand to his left hand of Ivanka. Piers first takes a peek in on Kotu, where Herschel and Clint are reliving their gawky teenage years by getting all giggling chatting up their models. He says to the camera that, “They come across like a couple of Steven Baldwins.” Ooooh, low blow. But wait, I thought it was Alec that couldn’t keep it in his pants? Sheeesh, where’s the National Enquirer when you need it. Kotu tells us their strategy is to pool their money and bid it all onto one item, thereby getting a really high profit margin. Joan reminds us that if Melissa is thrown under the bus again by that skank Annie, she’s leaving and taking her toys with her. Those may not have been her exact words.
Ivanka over at Athena tells Melissa what Joan said and adds that if she were ever to be thrown under the bus, he father would be disappointed in Ivanka herself for not getting out from underneath it. Have I mentioned that I heart Ivanka, even though she pimps her products out like Daddy does? Piers gets Athena to tell him what the criteria is for who gets the blame if they lose: simple, the lowest money maker gets the brunt. Seems fair. The little discussion sure burnt a fire on Melissa who is suddenly very busy on her phone after Piers and Ivanka leave. It does not go unnoticed by her team.
Uh oh – Annie is on the frickin’ war path! Turns out she found out about Natalie’s little money making scheme and she is not a happy camper. In fact, she’s a screaming hissy fit camper and everyone hears her. She yells and screams at Phil Hellmuth (her poker rival) that he is being played and how could he try to pull one over on her and he says that he thought he was going to be playing poker with her and Annie threatens him if she finds out if he’s not telling her the truth his world will end. I may be paraphrasing. Joan, by the way, in the next room has heard Annie’s rant through the walls and is absolutely loving it and Melissa thinks it is awesome that the player got played. Ahh, grasshopper, the player did not get played, did she? I do believe the Master had the last laugh, which explains her Cheshire Cat grin when she confronts a strangely silent Natalie on the whole thing.
Just before the auction Melissa is still going on and on about how she was responsible for the jewelry and the clothes and the making of the world and the sun rising and setting and all and how no one appreciated her. Wah wah wah. Annie says that it is not about the jewelry and clothing, it’s about the moolah. Oh, and the charities.
I have to say, although Annie does tend to tout herself as the Queen of Everything, I do give her props for being a good auctioneer. I guess her mouth is good for more than one thing (more on that later). She works the room like she’s been watching hooker’s all her life…hey, where do they play poker anyway? She cajoles and teases and gets the men to part with major bucks. Of course we don’t know how much, but I didn’t see that anything went for less than $20,000. Brande’s billion dollar donor was $9,999,950,000 away from a billion. I guess she’s been discounted.
And then there is Kotu – otherwise known as the dead zone. At least when Clint had the microphone. He cannot get the crowd going, mainly because he is boring as heck. The first item goes without getting any bids – what an insult to the junior Trumpette. Clint tries humor but it falls flat. Piers says the room temperature feels like Siberia and Papa Trump is not looking like a happy camper. He doesn’t have much more luck with the second piece and embarrasses himself by trying to get a bid out of Trump who just looks at him. Finally, Natalie says they should get their go to piece out their to get the bidders going. They do and Clint keeps identifying it as earrings when it is a ring being modeled. Joan pops her head out a couple of times to correct him and lets loose a couple of jokes and the audience discovers their pulses again. The ring ends up selling for $83,500 – not a bad haul. With Joan by his side, Clint gets the rest of the pieces sold.
And through the magic of editing, they are now all sitting at Trump’s Table of Doom with the coiffed one and his fuschia tie. Trump gives props to the PM’s and Annie gives props to Melissa. Trump, of course wants to know who the weaker ones are in the herd and Annie names Jesse and Melissa has the one who should be culled by virtue of their weak fundraising skills. Piers reminds me of why I loved to hate him last year when he asks Jesse why he didn’t use his famous wife to bring in the bucks (Just in case there is someone out there who doesn’t know, Jesse is married to the lovely Sandra Bullock aka my secret girlfriend). Jesse treats Piers to the Death Ray Stare.
Ivanka wants to know that since the auction went so well after Joan stepped in, why wasn’t she the auctioneer from the get go? Joan says something about wanting to use everyone on the team and she did other stuff. Trump says the jewelry selection was bad for Kotu and who chose it? Natalie says it was her. The Coiffured one and Piers jump on Joan for not using her almighty Rolodex and getting peeps in and Joan says she will show Trump privately the list of people who turned her down – guess those one liners on the Red Carpet are coming back to bite you, eh, botoxed one? Melissa jumps in to defend her mother and Piers wonders why she’s defending the other team and a little slap fight goes on between the two of them.
Then Trumpster wants to know Annie’s opinion and Joan grates that she’s not interested in anything that Annie has to say and puts her fingers in her ears. She’s one ‘la la la’ away from a time out in the corner, if you ask me. Annie comments on the disrespect towards Ivanka by not selling all her pieces and Joan breaks her silence to call Annie a despicable human being. Joan then repeats her raves from the last episode that don’t really need repeating. Joan tells Annie that her ego is beyond her and Trump wants to know if ego is important in poker and Annie says it just gets in the way.
Then Joan breaks in to compare Annie to Hitler. The woman is a bit off her rocker, I think. Maybe the botox is paralyzing her brain along with her face. The story of how Natalie had the great idea to call Phil Hellmuth and she proudly relates the story and Piers tells her not to be too proud as it ultimately backfired and Annie came out on top. Which of course sets Joan off again who goes on and on about the screaming hissy fit Annie had and Melissa jumps in as well and for Pete’s sake, people, shut up already! I mean, really, they can hold a grudge can’t they? Especially for something that really was a non-thing, such as the whole throwing Melissa under the bus.
Finally, we have the results: Kotu made a respectable $92,000, but Athena blew them away with $153,000. Annie’s charity of Refugees International will be receiving $245,000, and Kotu will be losing another member.
You know, I could repeat the whole boardroom discussion, but ultimately, it is a rehash of the things already said, minus the Annie bashing. Joan tears up when Trumpster asks her who should go home, claiming she loves them all. A thought crosses my mind that perhaps Mommy Joan didn’t try as hard in this task so that her team would lose and her precious darling Melissa would be safe. I don’t have any hard evidence, but I am putting it out there for discussion. Anyway, the bottom line is since Herschel brought in the most bucks and Joan and Clint are Trumps favorites, it is the lovely Natalie who is going home.
And you think it would be over, but no, it’s not. Why? Because we have a whole other task and NBC likes to torture me. I’ll be honest, this second task is not nearly as exciting so I am going to give you just the highlights and the firing. First of all, Melissa warns Mommy upon her return to the suite to not throw any fuel onto the fire because she is close to quitting. Fuel that fire, Joan! Annie is still fuming (and rightly so) about the Hitler comment and tells them her charity is the Hitler Fund.
Lest a season go by without us having to be subjugated to Trumps horrific taste in home furnishings, the teams meet in his gaudy beyond belief dining room to hear about their next task. A Schwan’s Frozen Foods exec is there to tell them they will be creating a new frozen dinner for their Live Smart line. Pretty much make the best tasting meal within the health parameters and market it well and your charity will get $20,000 big ones. Ivanka and Joe Kernan of CNBC will be Trumpster’s eyes and ears for this task. The pm’s will be Jesse and Herschel.
Each team meets with the execs to find out what they want and are told something unique, great tasting, low in calories, fat and sodium. The customer service people and the launch campaign are also important.
Annie almost immediately begins her campaign for turkey meatballs and pasta. She goes on and on about the dang turkey meatballs and gluten free pasta. Jesse likes the chili idea and Brande likes meatloaf and sweet potatoes. Ultimately, they decide to make all three and then do a taste test. Annie, aka Wonder Woman, says she can cook it all with one hand tied behind her back and whilst giving a bj (admittedly, not her exact words. She said it much classier. Not). Long live the new BJ Queen! Brande goes with her, while Melissa stays with Jesse to help him with the marketing campaign.
Meanwhile, Kotu is working their combined brain power with little results. Herschel keeps saying he wants a skinless chicken breast. Clint doesn’t think that is original enough, but Herschel, despite being a vegetarian, is sure that is the way to go. Clint offers up his Black family recipe for ginger soy chicken. Joan says she can’t help because she can’t cook. I can cook, and I can tell you that soy sauce is not the lowest sodium thing around. I would have gone with teriyaki, which has a bit less sodium.
At Athena, Melissa is trying to get Jesse to share his marketing ideas with her, but he is not responding. I think he has gone to his happy place. Later, down in the kitchen, he tests each of the three creations. He’s not happy with the meatloaf, he’s in love with the chili and has the flatulence to prove it and ultimately chooses the pasta and turkeyballs (oh, that does not sound right…) probably to avoid Annie’s incessant harping.
Over at Kotu, Herschel wants to do some kind of yogurt dessert that makes no sense to me, but I love a dessert, so I say go for it. Clint gets to cooking and his first try is deemed too salty, so they add some blood orange juice to it and it gets a bit better. They decide to name it Asian Orange Chicken. Hmmm, I can get that from Trader Joe’s and it is delish! When Kotu talks marketing, they decide to launch a commercial with a Schwan employee and surprise – Clint volunteers himself to be in the commercial! Oh goody, because his acting is so good!
And now it is time to present the meals. Joan presents Kotu’s Orange Asian Soy Chicken and Clint and his Ego outline the marketing plan which actually sounds pretty good. Athena and their Triple Play Turkey Meatballs are up first. Jesse is the spokesperson and gives his idea of a marketing plan whilst the execs eat. Frankly, let’s hope it was heavy on taste, because it was definitely marketing-lite.
And just like that we are at another board room. The Trumpenator asks Herschel if he thinks they won and Herschel of course says they did. Trump gets Herschel to admit that Joan did better than Clint, by virtue that she didn’t argue with him. Clint says he didn’t like the chicken idea, but I don’t recall him telling Herschel that, even though he seems to indicate he did. They go onto the yogurt fiasco and a whole lot of talking over one another happens, but the gist is that it was a bad idea and the idea was Herschel’s.
Athena does not go their merry ways unscathed. Trump lets Jesse know he is onto his wily silent ways and says Jesse must be good in bed to have a wife like Sandra. Jesse gives him the Death Ray Glare. I think Trump wants people to think he’s good in bed and that’s why Melania is with him. I doubt it. It’s more likely for his rockin’ head of hair.
The results: Athena had decent taste and got points for being gluten free, but was lacking in the whole marketing aspect. Kotu had good taste, a good marketing campaign, but the dessert was panned as too complicated for the consumer. So of course, Athena wins. $20,000 is awarded to Jesse’s charity: the Long Beach Education Foundation which supports the industrial arts in schools. Athena troupes back to their holding cell, I mean war room.
In the board room, Trump does his usual thing of asking who is to blame and pretending he hasn’t already made his choice. Joan makes sure to rip on Annie some more, because that of course is relevant. Ultimately with two losses as PM and Clint and Joan being the Trump favored ones, it was Herschel who went home. Yawn. Like we didn’t know that was going to happen as soon as Kotu was announced the loser.
And that’s all folks. Next week the teams are evened out again and deodorant is involved. Stay tuned for a Phonegrrrl wonder-cap for all the details.