Hello dear readers! Tis I, iguanachocolate, here to bring you all the latest doings of those wacky Trump job applicants. What? The winner does not get a job with Trump and his coiffure at the end? Wait, they have careers? All of them? Really? Then why are they on the show? Oh, they want to raise money for their charities. Well, answer me this, why don’t they just donate the money from their own personal bank accounts instead of doing their careers irreparable harm by appearing on the same show as the Hair? I’d have to say these are some careers that are losing air faster than a whoopee cushion sat on by Robert from Hell’s Kitchen. But I digress. Last week we saw the firing of Tom Green. If you missed all the fun, then make sure to read Phonegrrrl’s most excellent recap here.
As the show starts, let me just say that I had no idea that Dennis Rodman was so persecuted. The poor guy. My heart really goes out to him. No really. Hold on one moment whilst I barf. He says he is now on his own team. Well, that ought to sit well with his Kotu former teammates. On the other hand, he hasn’t really contributed much except drama, so maybe they are relieved he has formed his own team. Clint Black decides that he is going to gently tell Dennis what he is doing wrong. Using all soft tones and a goodly amount of patronizing speak, he lets Dennis know that “when you work for a boss, you have to subordinate yourself”. Errr, okie dokie Mr. Ego. Whatever you say. Clint goes on to tell Dennis that he really should have produced a doctor’s note for last week’s alleged eye problem. Dennis tells Clint that it isn’t his fault that the team isn’t using him for what he is good at. Well, call me crazy, but there haven’t been any basketball challenges yet, and the only other thing I’ve seen him excel at is drinking himself and others under the table. Well, I suppose he could have modeled wedding dresses last week – he does have experience at that.
For the feel good segment, we find Brande Roderick meeting up with Chris Eaton of the California Police Youth Charities so she can give him the check for $165,000. When he picks his jaw up off of the ground, he thanks her and we all get warm fuzzies for all the hot dog eating kids out there.
Donald and his Hair meet up with the teams at Capitale, a luxurious even space in Manhattan. As it turns out, Joan is MIA once again. I guess it is hard to get eliminated if you don’t show up for the tasks…. just saying. Maybe her retirement plan only allows her to work part time. Anyway, the teams have to produce a launch spectacle, I mean spectacular for a new videophone that is coming out to the companies 500 representatives. The Coiffure tells the teams to pick their project manager. Dennis takes a giant leap backwards away from his group as they huddle, giving them the perfect opportunity to vote him the PM, but they choose Brian McKnight instead. The women choose Claudia Jordan who helpfully informs us that this is something she knows a lot about. Hmmm, really? I suppose a briefcase is kind of like a video phone. And participating in pageants is kind of like producing an extravaganza. And I’m kind of a size 2.
The teams’ first task is to decide which team gets which time slot for their production. Annie Duke and Clint Black are sent out to negotiate for the time slots, but are reduced to flipping a coin when both teams want the choice second slot. During all this chatter about which time slot, it should be noted that Dennis is sitting on a set of stairs off by himself. Jesse James tries to include him, but Dennis blows them off. So, the coin gets ready to be tossed and Dennis yells out, “Now we’ll see how good he is!” Errr, what? I don’t recall Clint bragging on his coin tossing skills, but I could have missed it. Clint calls ‘tails’ and tails it is. I guess now we know about his coin calling skills. Clint smiles and apparently seeing his squinty eyes above his pearly whites sends Dennis off the deep end. With one mighty bound he is standing in front of the diminutive singer towering over him and tells him “he ain’t ****!” Once again, I don’t recall Clint saying he was ****, but I may have missed it. Dennis starts waving his giant finger in front of the wee Clint’s face and Clint just has this smile plastered on and asks Dennis is this will help the whole situation. Dennis just keeps going off, and no one, including me, is really sure what the heck is going on with him. Somehow I think a lot got left on the editing floor. I mean, they only had two endless hours for this episode. They didn’t really have time to show us everything (insert mega eye roll here). Of course, if could be that there wasn’t an event that led up to this explosion and instead it is just a result of a Dennis’ breakfast Bloody
Mary was accidentally a virgin Mary and now he was going through withdrawal. Dennis rave goes on but as soon as his back his turned, Clint scampers back to the group. The woman are all watching this and getting a bit nervous. Dennis shouts that this is a ‘team’ game and in a fit of pique throws his mic pack on the ground and stomps off like a very large Kindergartner.
The guys are back in the van and Clint is claiming that he knew Dennis wasn’t going to hurt him. And that puddle on the floor was what, Clint? Jesse and Brian are laughing so hard I fear they will be soon making their own puddles. Jesse does wonder why Dennis chose the smallest member of the group to pick on. He also wonders if they should call Dennis as they get down to work but Brian says who needs a worm. Jesse feeds Brian’s ego by telling him he needs to perform at the event. Jesse then wants to go to West Point to film a heart vignette with a soldier using the videophone. Never mind that West Pointe is full of cadets who haven’t seen combat and is 60 miles away and that there is certainly a closer military barracks than that, he wants to go there. Clint points out that they don’t have time to get there and back. Brian, having just had his ego stroked by Jesse asking him to perform, says yes, they will go.
Meanwhile, over in the women’s war room, they are all sitting around the table brainstorming. Or talking over one another. It’s hard to tell. Melissa speaks through her umbilical cord to mommy and informs her she will be performing between some taped pieces. But, oh the drama! It seems that Ms. Rivers Sr. plane won’t be back in time. Whatever shall they do?! The hand wringing ensues until Natalie picks up a phone and arranges another flight for the senior one. Phew. I thought for a moment they were going to have to cancel the show. The Junior Hair in the making shows up and the women reenact Dennis’ temper tantrum of earlier and do it pretty accurately with Brande even getting up on a chair to imitate Dennis.
Meanwhile, on the way to West Point, the Jesse and Herschel are getting all Dr. Phil about Dennis. Herschel wonders how he can drink so much and Jesse thinks he has a lot of problems. Brian is on the phone performing a musical miracle while Clint can only look on and seethe with jealousy. Clint does offer to let Brian run the music by him, but Brian blows him off. However, he does let Clint order the pizza.
At Athena, Melissa is reaching new heights of shrillness as she pushes her ideas for the vignettes. Khloe, in perhaps the most intelligent thing I have ever heard her say, says that Melissa’s ideas take away attention from the product. This irritates the Botoxed one. We can tell because whilst her facial expression remains the same, her voice becomes even louder and shriller. After all, she is the one with all the technical experience. Claudia tells the cameras Melissa is a spoiled brat. A Fight. Fight. Fight! begins because Melissa feels Claudia has insulted her production experience. Claudia feels Melissa is being a butthead. Or something like that. Claudia tells the camera that if it weren’t for Joan, Melissa wouldn’t have produced anything but plastic surgery bills. I heart Claudia.
As Clint is working the phones for pizza, Dennis saunters in saying he is a team player. Sure, when he has enough vodka in him he’s a team player. Ivanka shows up and notices the tension in the room. That Ivanka, nothing gets by her. Dennis tells her some nonsense about being misunderstood and I swear I see a smirk beginning on Ivanka’s face. Meanwhile, Clint is trying to track down monitors, but finds out they will be costing a pretty penny. Dennis says he can get them, but Brian shoots him down. Dennis is crushed that his offer was shot down. After all, he is a team player.
The women are leaning not to work with animals or children as they deal with an uncooperative baby whilst filming their vignette. Then on the way to the editing place with Tionne and Brande, Claudia begins to dead on mock Melissa. Melissa the martyr tells us that she will soldier on with the choreography even though she knows it won’t be appreciated. Awww, where is my tissue… I weep. Not. This brings me to something I have longed puzzled about - who does Melissa remind me of? I have, dear readers, finally figured it out. I present to you, photographic evidence:
Just saying. Between Melissa, Joan and Dennis, I think we have Roswell all figured out.
The morning of the events brings us chaos on the part of the woman, at least until Melissa puts on her bossy hat, I mean producer’s hat, and does what she does best: tells everyone what to do. Khloe helps out by taking a nap.
And here we go, folks, show time. Joan takes the stage doing her schtick which includes the usual lame jokes and a couple of funny lines. Then the cutesy baby video with a live actor on stage mimicking what is going on in the video. Why? I don’t know. More Joan. Another vignette that has Brande on the video phone and then magically coming down the aisle live to be proposed to by some random guy on stage. She accepts, though I think her husband will have something to say about that. Joan closes and some confetti and ribbons fly about the stage. Love and kisses as it all went great according to the women. Claudia is sure they won, just as she is sure Melissa will take credit for it.
Next comes the Brian McKnight Show, err, the guys presentation. Cue the muzak. The strobe and laser lights – don’t forget the smoke. We’re one good singer away from a Neil Diamond show. Clint comes on to talk about the videophone and Jesse’s vignette with the cute cadet in his fatigues talks to his gal on the video phone. Then Clint introduces Brian McKnight and his concert begins. He works the room and the room responds clapping and cheering. Brian is surrounded by random women dancing with videophones, but I can’t really relate his music to the product. The company peeps begin chanting their company name and I begin to wonder who put what in their Kool-aide.
In the boardroom, Brian looks pretty impressed with himself. The Hair asks him if the men worked as a team, and Brian says most of them did. Trump then asks him why they didn’t use Dennis, and Brian says because no one wanted to babysit him. Trump then proclaims that he didn’t think Dennis would have hit Clint and Clint jokes that he almost got a chair to stand on to deck Dennis. Dennis waxes poetic about what a wonderful human being he is and how he dances through fields with bunny rabbits whilst picking flowers. I puke. Trump wants to know who should be blamed if the men should lose and Dennis pipes up not him as they wouldn’t let him play with their toys. Clint says that Brian should as he was the project manager and Brian agrees, since it was his decision not to use Dennis.
The Coiffure asks Claudia who the star of the women’s team would be and she says Joan. He then pontificates that he heard Melissa did a good job. Melissa probably told him herself. Claudia says that Melissa did what she as good at. Meow. Melissa whines about not being used to her fullest potential and how she should have been in charge of everything because she has a thousand years producing experience. Granted, none that I could find on a quick looksie about the net. I suppose QVC doesn’t list its producers on the IMDB. And the bickering goes on. And on. And round and round. At one point Melissa sotto voices to her mom to jump in here, and then talks over her as her mom begins to go on about Claudia being some kind of musher. What dog sledding has to do with any of this, I don’t know. Claudia breaks into Joan’s diatribe to remind the aged one she wasn’t even there for most of the time, but that matters not to Mommy and she just keeps going on about mushing.
Finally, Trump pronounces the men the winners and they are joyful. The men go back to the holding cell and the women take a moment to sharpen their claws. Donald tells the women that overwhelmingly the comments said the vignettes were cheesy and he wants to know who was responsible for them. Melissa does what she does best and lies and says that she wasn’t involved in the creative process. Claudia does not take advantage of this and tell the Hair the vignettes were all Melissa’s idea, instead she goes the emotional disruption rout – just the touch feely thing Trump doesn’t understand and therefore denounces it as ‘emotional’ (read hysterical women). Melissa does take credit for everything else right down to folding the toilet paper in the stalls into little points. Claudia says that Melissa was obnoxious. And then dares to diss her producing skills. Melissa head spins around 360 degrees and pea soup shoots from her mouth as she screeches about the red carpets and how she produced those. Claudia claims she hasn’t seen them and says sarcastically, “Congratulations.” Have I said how much I heart Claudia?
It goes on and finally, Claudia chooses Khloe and Melissa to come back into the board room with her. I’d go into detail, but frankly, who cares? We all know that Claudia is going – we knew that as soon as she dared to take on the Rivers’ duo. No one does that and lives.
Stay tuned next week for more on Dennis Rodman and his affair with the bottle....