TO: Frank, the loud obnoxious guy from da Bronx
Frankie, I know you drew the short stick when you got Nicole for a partner. You tried, buddy, you tried, but the truth is, Trump had you pegged as a loser from the first show when you blew it as PM. You spent the rest of the season as Tim’s wingman, then when you finally had your chance to shine, you let Nicole make you her bitch by allowing her to bring back the one guy who disliked you even more than the Donald. Plus, a hospital? A sick kid? What did your mamma say when she saw that? I bet she gave you a slap upside the head and called you stupido. But we almost liked you by the end, pal. Almost.
TO: Nicole, the femme fatale
Oh, Nicole. You already gave us ever so much reason to dislike you right from the beginning, with your shrill voice and drama-mama confessionals. Then, you embark on a semi-illicit affair with the Arrow Piano Man and end up making a eunuch out of him. To top it all off – you decide to prove your worth with your “creativeness” and make a commercial featuring a frantic mother visiting her injured child in a hospital. Instead of projecting the image of a strong woman, you’ve convinced us that you’re really a dumb, heartless slut. And you know what? Trump may have been willing to overlook it, had you done anything particularly useful during the last 14 weeks. I guess we should thank you for making it easy on him and giving him Tim-gate as a reason to fire you.
TO: Tim, the aforementioned eunuch
TO: Surya, the Chalkboard Master
I like your new hair ‘do. But you’re still a tool.
TO: Angela, shinny queen
The Donald is not worthy of someone as accomplished and as gosh-darn nice as you. Give Ivanka a call and start your own empire.
TO: Ivanka Trump, the only good thing to come out of this season
Seriously now. Your mom is a socialite and your dad is a windbag. Somehow, they produced you. You’re intelligent, tough, and attractive. Get out of Daddy’s shadow, quick – before you’re ruined for life. I know an Olympic medalist with a Harvard degree who’s looking for a job. Call her.
TO: Donald Jr.
TO: George, the old guy we still love
George, it was awesome to see you again. Please come back and share your Grumpy Old Men-style wisdom with us again. I have a feeling you just have to say the word and Donald will boot Junior back to whatever busywork he made up for him. We miss you.
TO: James, excitable Internet king
James, in spite of your hyper nature and loud voice, we grew to like – nay, love! – you. You proved to be a leader and a creative force, and we forgive your lapse into micro-management during the commercial shoot. Even though you were a member of the luckiest bunch of beer-league players ever to call themselves “candidates”, you still managed to convince us you’re a pretty smart guy. Plus, you’re likable. After viewing your “at-home” video with the footage of your employees and your company, hell, I was ready to send you my resume. You have a nice house and adorable kids. In fact, I liked your home video so much I started rooting for you to lose. Why would you want to give up a mega-successful business and your great home life to become a Trump lackey? You know, I often watch reality TV and think, “They may have lost the competition, but they’re the REAL winner”. (Mind you, I usually only think that about every woman who’s ever appeared on The Bachelor.) But in your case, James, I think Trump did you a favor by cutting you loose. Go back to Seattle and be happy with your life. It rocks.
TO: Stefani, the “winner”
First off, Stef, I gotta tell you, you look absolutely smashing. The new dark hair is gorgeous, and maybe my eyes deceived me but I think we may have gotten some new “equipment” since the show? Seemed like you were sporting a wee bit more cleavage in your home video than during the competition. Hey, I don’t blame you – they probably cost a lot, so make the best of them. Second, I have to congratulate you. Never have I seen someone fly so completely under the radar and still manage to impress Donald Trump. I know, I know, Donald doesn’t like the flashy type – he likes to be the center of attention. Still, you were almost completely out of the camera’s eye the entire 14 weeks. Yeah, they said you were the “behind the scenes” person. And that everybody liked you – well, respected you. Respect really isn’t the same as “like”. Something Donald can probably relate to. Still, I have to give you credit for somehow staying above all of the nonsense – the tents, the showmance, the hedge-side gossip. You never caved into the peer pressure from your Arrow teammates, as they sat by the campfire slurping beer and bemoaning their incompetence. In fact, you may have been one of the few who actually did some work during this interview process. And you know what? For once, that’s all it took. Just like a real job interview. You’ve brought authenticity to the Trump sideshow we call The Apprentice. And for that, we thank you. Enjoy the Caribbean – especially now that you can fill out a bikini top like nobody’s business.
TO: Donald Trump, aka “The Hair”, “The Donald”, “The Most Self-Deluded Reality Show Star In Existence – But Still The Richest”
Donald, I noticed something was missing from this season’s Apprentice. I mean, something besides serious, qualified candidates, interesting and challenging tasks, and boardrooms with something other than hissy fits and high-pitched wailing and name-calling. What was missing were your pearls of wisdom about what it takes to succeed in business. Now, maybe you’re not giving that kind of information out for free anymore – maybe you’re saving it for your Trump Wealth Seminars and making people pay for your words of advice. That’s cool, I can dig the whole money-grubbing capitalism thing you do so well. There’s been five previous seasons and I don’t remember everything, but I’m sure that at one point you must have said something about bailing out of a losing proposition.
Even billionaires are human though, Donald, and can miss something that’s so glaringly obvious to the rest of us. So I’m going to give you a piece of advice – for free. Because I’m a liberal free-advice type myself. Your show has, to use a well-worn phrase, “jumped the shark”. The L.A. setting sucked. Camp Trump was a bad joke. I know you’re famous for bouncing back from the brink of financial disaster, but this isn’t about economics, it’s about people. People who watch TV, and lots of it. Viewers, Donald. Viewers you lost this season. Hey, maybe you were given some bad advice (and I bet you paid for that advice, too). It happens. Fire the asses of whoever told you to go west and put up tents. Go back to New York. Regroup. I’m not saying you can save this show, Donald. But if anyone can – it’s you.
And one more thing – lose that frigging pink tie already.
TO: The proud, the few, who kept the faith this season
The Donald appreciates loyalty – and man, there’s no one more loyal than those of you who sat through Season 6. Except, maybe, for me, seeing as I actually took notes through the whole thing. But I appreciate your loyalty, too. If you stuck it out this long, you’re probably willing to see it through a Season 7 – and you know there’s going to be one. You can’t keep an egocentric billionaire down for long.
If you know who that scary guy cheering for Nicole was, PM me. I think I should take out a restraining order.