Welcome back to another week of The Apprentice! Oh, you’ve been here before? Looks just the same, doesn’t it? That’s right, it does, because this is the “everyone’s off watching basketball” show. The “let’s review the past episodes – ooh, Wake Forest scores! – show.” The “did you see The Apprentice last night? No, I was pouring beer on the head of a Syracuse fan” show.
Yes, folks, we’re recapping scenes you’ve already seen. And have already been recapped. This is the recap of a recap show.
Your guides tonight will be Stargazer and Lucy. Yes, it takes two of us to fill Wayner’s shoes. We rifled through his closet looking for *nicer* shoes – we were really thinking, “red, three-inch heels” – but no dice. Oh well. Guess we’ll just have to write the recap in pink bunny slippers. That’s right – y’all don’t know Wayner like you thought you did.
The Donald Describes Things You’ve Already Seen
Supposedly this clip show will offer us never-before-seen footage and The Donald’s insights on how things went down in each of the challenges. But honestly, folks, there’s no there, there. We are sitting here trying to “be the hat” and pull out something new for you, but its rough going. But if you were looking for an hour-long video rehash of the season to date, narrated by Trump, this was the episode for you. So we’ll do our best.
Trump starts out playing it pretty straight. We start out the night where the series began; an intro of all the contestants. We – we are using the royal we, by the way. Do not question us. We are the Borg -- we honestly don’t remember a few of these people.
Trump shows us a few highlights – David chasing pedestrians away from the lemonade stand, Sam trying to sell the infamous $1,000 glass of lemonade. We move quickly on to the second challenge, where both teams had to come up with a marketing campaign for an airline. Trump tells us he questioned Jason’s decision not to talk to the company before creating the pitch. This is hardly news, since Trump fired Jason for that very omission.
We also see the beginnings of the hostility between Omarosa and Ereka. If you were dying to rewatch Ereka’s “pot calling the kettle black” comment and Omarosa’s interpretation of it as a racial slur, this was your chance.
The Fall of Sam
In the weeks since Sam was booted, the distaste his blatant brown-nosing of Trump generated in our stomachs had abated somewhat. Now we’re reminded why Sam was the guy people were talking about at the water coolers. And why that water-cooler talk wasn’t exactly full of praise. Thankfully, we aren’t forced to rewatch Sam’s recitation of Trump’s parentage. They’ve edited out some of the ass-kissing, because this is still just an hour show. We do, however, get another view at Sam’s Evil Glare when Trump utters those blessed words, “you’re fired.”
The Donald’s disembodied voice admits that everyone thought Sam looked “pretty scary” when he was fired. But Trump says Sam wasn’t angry, he was just passionate about his job. Betcha Lucifer uses that excuse all the time.
Sam, for his part, says he has learned since the show that “a lot of people think I’m certifiably insane.” You don’t say, Sam.
Flattery Will Get You Nowhere, But A Nice Rack Will Get You Anywhere
At this point, Donald’s wooden retelling of the season has bored us to the point that we might just go watch the game. We’ll just recap that for you. Better yet, we’ll recap Wayner. We’re sure that whatever has taken him away from this glorious episode is vastly more interesting than the show itself. Unfortunately, we don’t have any scrying devices to spy on Wayner and at least one of us doesn’t know diddley about basketball, so let’s soldier on, shall we?
The Donald reminds us that early in the season when the teams were still divided down gender lines that the girls on Team Protégé were scoring clear and decisive wins over the men on Team Versacorp. During one Boardroom, Trump even mentions that he never intends to hire a man again if women are this effective. However, in scenes that make professional women everywhere cringe in embarrassment, we are shown exactly how Protégé accomplished their wins. Was it artful negotiations or their keen salesmanship? No, it was actually a group of very attractive women using the worst of their arsenal of feminine wiles to get what they wanted. They wore slinky outfits, used sex as an advertising campaign and shook their moneymakers at any man that could help them progress. Ethics aside, the tactics worked splendidly as the men were crushed in defeat after defeat.
Before every man on the show is wiped out by a wave of estrogen, Trump decides to reorganize the companies in Week Five. The Team Leaders for that week get to choose the new members for their teams. We see the first sparks of interest that Nick has for Amy when he picks her as his first teammate. Soon, the two teams have become mixed bags of the men and the women.
Donald then dryly takes us through the first task for the reassembled teams. We see Kristi failing dismally as the flea market leader and are reminded of the discovery of missing funds from Protégé’s coffers. Blame flies everywhere, but eventually Kristi is the one sent packing by Trump.
Trump Guards Against a Lawsuit
It’s Nevada 60, Michigan State 63, 3:35 left in the second. Oh, right, the Apprentice. (ok, but Duke wiped the floor with Alabama State.)
Ahem. Omarosa says, um, something bad about Kristi, and Kristi tells us Omarosa’s comments were so “obnoxious, I felt like I didn’t have to defend myself because there’s no defense.” Well, they say there’s no defense like a good offense, a tip Kristi could have used, since she got the boot.
On to the charity auction episode. Trump says Protégé was in trouble when Jessie had trouble negotiating with Isaac Mizrahi. Omarosa clarifies “in trouble” by saying that Jessie patronized Mizrahi and talked to him as if he was a four-year old.
Although Trump admits that Omarosa has “a very sharp edge,” he says Jessie should have defended herself against Omarosa’s attacks. Jessie tells us she regrets nothing, and that she was true to her morals and character.
We’re moving on, because now – finally – we get to something new and entertaining. More entertaining than basketball, even. Especially since our alma mater teams lost in the ACC last week.
Yes, kids, we have arrived at the Plaster Incident, where plaster – or concrete, or a washtub, or an elephant. You be the judge – drops onto Omarosa’s head. Trump’s assessment of it – even if he was coached by his lawyers – is priceless. (although we suspect Omarosa is trying to put a price tag on it as we speak.)
“Omarosa was accidentally hit on the head,” Trump says, and the italics simply serve to show you how he said it. Emphasis on “accidentally.”
Trump says Omaraosa then returned to the contestants’ suite and called for a doctor. The doctor diagnosed a bump but said there didn’t seem to be any damage.
We give you the following in Trump’s own words:
“Omarosa still wasn’t satisfied so she went to the hospital, but the doctors didn’t find anything terribly wrong. I’d show you, but the cameras weren’t allowed inside.”
Despite the alleged lump on Omarosa’s head and the tragic news that Heidi’s mom has cancer, Protégé rallies in the next task. The teams were supposed to renovate dilapidated apartments and rent them out for a higher rate. Due to a negotiating session on par with rock, paper, scissors, Troy is able to score the better property and leads his team to a clear victory. This earns him an enemy in Katrina, who swears to see to his downfall. However, Tammy is the victim this week as she is fired for her disloyalty.
Ice, Ice, Baby
Fearful that his name isn’t being used enough in the show, Trump has the teams try to sell his cases of Trump Ice water in the next task. The teams fare about the same until Troy the Wonder Boy again saves the day by realizing that they could set businesses up on advance purchase. Protégé once again pulls into the lead and Versacorp once again faces the Boadroom.
Dropping the O-Bomb
Now we’re looking back at the last two weeks. Ereka gets the boot and says she was surprised at Bill, who she claims was a “chicken” and was nervous and shaking every time he went into the boardroom. Maybe it was a learned, Pavlovian response? Our cats shake when we put them in the car to go to the vet. They’ve learned to associate one with the other. They also drool, though, and we would have liked to see that from Bill.
On to the art challenge, and we rub our little royal hands in anticipation of seeing – one of us for the first time, curse the non-operative VCR – Omarosa barge into the boardroom uninvited and beg not to be fired.
But a pox on The Donald, because he leaves that out of his review. We do see him fire Omarosa, so that’s some consolation. Omarosa insists she played the game well and is a smart businesswoman, and nothing changes that. She has no regrets. As is evident to even an occasional viewer of the talk-show circuit. But we digress.
The remaining contestants engage in last week’s pedi-cab competition. Trump says Amy’s idea to sell advertising space on the back of the cabs was brilliant. He has actually praised Amy a number of times in this show, and seems quite impressed with her. Were this a dating show, that would be a clue that he’ll give the rose to someone else.
As we all know, Heidi gets fired. She informs us that her mother is doing well and is out of the hospital.
And Then There Were Six
In the coming weeks, Trump says, the last six will face their most difficult tasks, including working in a casino and overseeing events like golf tournaments and rock concerts.
We’re given a preview of next week’s episode, in which Trump learns that Amy and Nick have been passing notes in class and are “going together.”
No, actually, we’re not sure what he’s told but his reaction is pure sixth-grade: “They like each other?”
Thanks for muddling through this week with us and try to join Wayner next week as he returns to recap a real episode. Only he won’t have his pink bunny slippers. We’re keeping those.
Wanna admit you wear pink bunny slippers too? Email us at firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com