This week on Deadliest Catch, the crab fishermen were up against some bad weather on opening day of the season. OH, wait. That's the OTHER show I watched with a boat in it. You know, the one that actually is reality? But, no one gets fired, just some people occasionally die. Which, might be an interesting turn for the Apprentice.
Such as, last week on the Apprentice, Brent exploded after eating one bagel too many, blowing his innards all over Trump's $5000 Armani suit. Globs of butter are still being combed out of Carolyn's overly-stiff hairstyle. Hazmat was called in to decontaminate the other contestants and the boardroom. It was a miracle that the explosion, coupled with the noxious gases of the airbag Brent, didn't take out the entire Trump Tower. This is a slight embellishment on what actually happened, at any rate Brent is gone. If you want the real version, go back and read Roseskid's excellent recap.
And Now For Some Reality
In the loft, Gold Rush is wanting Brent to be one that returns, as he will then continue to disrupt Synergy, giving Gold Rush a boost. Their wishes go unanswered, as everyone but Brent returns. Lenny plays the welcoming committee, hugging everyone he can get his hands on. In another room, Snyergy members Roxanne and Andrea hash out boardroom statements that were made. Andrea is a raving lunatic bitch. The last time I wrote about her she was crying in the bathroom. This time, she can't handle that someone thinks she's not as good as someone else. I have intense dislike for Andrea, and will henceforth call her "The Bitch".
Does this carpet look like donuts to you?
Gold Rush and Synergy meet up with Trump, Carolyn and Bill on a cruise ship, the Norwegian Jewel. The task is for each team to create a 30 second commercial promoting Norwegian Cruise line's "freestyle" cruising program. Now I've never been on a cruise (cats don't like to be surrounded by water on all sides) so I thought "freestyle" to mean something entirely different. For whatever reason, it sounded to me like they are to create a 30 second commercial promoting a floating orgy. A whole "what happens at sea, stays at sea" kind of thing. (Perhaps I've just hung around some other FORT staff too much and they've corrupted my little kitty mind.) Turns out that "freestyle" means no schedules. Well, who knew? Everyone but me. Who would want to go on a vacation with schedules anyway? I see now there's more reasons for me to never cruise.
Give this man some Ritalin.
Dan is the Project Manager for Gold Rush, and he's positively bristling with manic energy. He's tossing out orders left and right, "write this down, do this!" Lee thinks Dan might have a heart attack. Finally Lenny comes up with the idea of a castaway being picked up by the cruise ship, and being amazed by everything offered. The rest of the team runs with it, and Dan is itching to start RIGHT NOW.
"Dude, if you're not going to wear some undies under that robe you're gonna have to shut your legs."
Dan sends Tarek and Bryce out on the hard task of looking at the showgirls as a shot is filmed. Everything else he tries to do himself, leaving Leslie, Charmaine, Lee and Lenny to just sit around and watch him. Dan is flitting around like he's on a triple latte buzz, spouting out directions and complaining that Lee is getting all the face time with Bill and Carolyn.
"In the KGB they teach us to shoot with either hand. Or, I kill you with my bare hands, it matters not."
When it's time to edit their commercial, Tarek wants the commercial to be text flashing with the shots, "leaving the viewer wanting more." Lenny thinks it's too quick to read sufficiently, and that they need voice-over. Tarek defends his stance saying that people see commercials over and over. Lenny says but today, they only have one chance to show it.
"Why yes I DO have a big stick stuck up my rear, Roxanne! But rest assured that it's a platinum diamond encrusted stick, because I am one self-important bitch."
Allie on Synergy came up with contrasting the regular regimented way of cruising with this "freestyle" cruising. Roxanne is Project Manager, and they've got some actors to portray a cruising couple. (Oh come on, the orgy angle would be so much more interesting than this. Then I could say "swinging couple!") Roxanne seems a little lost and loopy on this, but Andrea is making a huge deal of pointing out how horrible she is instead of helping the team win. Roxanne gives the actors some directions and bows out to make a call, only to have Andrea butt in to give the actors other directions.
After the shots are done, Synergy gathers to edit their commercial. The commercial is to show 5 seconds in black and white of the actor couple not having fun on a regular cruise, and the rest of the commercial in color of them having a great time "freestyle" cruising. Andrea hates it, says it looks crappy, then makes a big deal of saying how Roxanne is the Project Manager so for her to do what she wants. Roxanne counters that with no one has given her respect the whole day. Probably because Andrea has been telling everyone all day how horrible Roxanne is and what a bad job she's doing.
Nothing says "cruise" to me like ugly acrylic scarves.
Snyergy goes in to show their commercial, which has the voice over done by Tammy, and it includes the footage that Andrea and Roxanne bickered over. Roxanne presents the commercial, and they are told "good job, guys."
The cast of the Sopranos would never dress like this.
Gold Rush goes in to present their commercial, and the executives judging gush over how Gold Rush is dressed. I guess this is understandable considering the ugly scarves that Synergy wore. Dan gives the presentation, and he's smarmy as everything. The executives don't understand the castaway in their commercial.
Both teams are invited back in, joined by Trump, and the executives announce Synergy as the winners. Andrea actually drops her head down for a second as if she's disappointed, because clearly she was relishing the idea of trying to get Roxanne fired.
"I can't believe we won in spite of our ugly scarves."
Meh, I'm not a fan of most of the rewards so I'm just skimming it. They get to go to a secret jewel vault and pick out $30,000 worth of diamonds between them. The End.
Tarek and Dan are yakking about who Dan should take in the boardroom. Tarek clearly thinks it should be Lenny and Lee, calling them "dead weight". Then Tarek tells Dan to remember, once he's in the boardroom, he has zero friends.
Gold Rush goes into the boardroom, and Trump quickly calls Leslie out as flying under the radar. She brings up that she tried to tell Dan that she has a journalism/broadcasting background, and Dan cuts her off saying that she never brought it up. Lee backs Leslie up, saying that she brought it up several times, and lackey Tarek says she should have stepped up. Leslie, Lee, Dan and Tarek all shout over each other, and Carolyn tells them they sound like they're ten years old.
"I swear I didn't take his Twinkie, Mr. Trump."
Trump then brings up the castaway in distress angle of their commercial, and tells Lenny that the idea stinks. Lenny says the team liked it. Carolyn and Bill both jump on the fact that there was text and no voice-over. Tarek tries to defend that by bring up impressionist painters, because, in case you don't remember...he's a member of MENSA. That's right, he's a freakin' genius and don't you forget it. Trump bashes him asking if he's so smart, why does he make so many mistakes, and wonders if someone took the Mensa test for him. If Tarek had a shred of dignity he'd leave instead of being talked to like a dog, but that's just not him. He's much rather be pummeled on national television week after week, for a chance to work for the man that's beating him to pieces.
Being pretty doesn't over-ride being a dumbass.
Dan attempts to blast Lee for always being the one talking to Bill and Carolyn. Lee says someone has to greet them. Charmaine says that Tarek needs to be fired because he won't listen, and she brings up how Tarek got loud when Lenny suggested the text in the commercial be removed. Lee says Tarek won't let them work as a team, and needs to be fired. Trump asks Dan who he'll bring back in the boardroom and he says Lee and Tarek. When prodded if he wants to bring in a third, he says that he'd love to bring in Lenny, but that Lee and Lenny will team up and be stronger. Dan then decides to leave Lenny out.
Carolyn thinks since Lenny came up with the concept for the commercial he should be in there. Bill agrees, but he thinks that Tarek made that concept worse by using text and no voice-over.
Trump tells Dan that Lenny should be in there, because it was his concept. Dan disagrees, saying that it was a team decision to go with that concept. Carolyn calls Dan to task saying that he was scared of Lee and Lenny ganging up on him, and that he had admitted such. Dan then says that Lee checked out on him. Trump says that Lee is just a politician, and didn't lead to the loss. Trump then tells Tarek he's an embarrassment for what he's supposed to stand for and that the Mensa people should change the test. Then Trump says again that Lenny should have been brought into the boardroom, and fires Dan for not bringing Lenny back in. *Personally I think Trump just likes Lenny in the boardroom for more entertaining television. He fired Dan for being boring, it's better tv to bash Tarek, even if Tarek does deserve it.*
This is what believing in a "team" gets you in Trumpland.
Creepy Taxi Ride
As Dan leaves in the cab, he stands by his decision that it wasn't Lenny's fault since they were a team. I like how he stands by that even after the bitter end. Then in a totally creepy Hansel & Gretel moment, he says he can't wait to get back to his kids to "eat them up". ACCK!
Join us next week for Roseskid's excellent recap of what is supposed to be a musical episode of The Apprentice. I'm rushing out to buy earplugs now.
Yeah, so I couldn't come up with a better title. - contact firstname.lastname@example.org