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Thread: The Apprentice: 3/11 Recap - Dogs, dog butts, and the fleas that love them

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    Starbucks is your friend Bill's Avatar
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    The Apprentice: 3/11 Recap - Dogs, dog butts, and the fleas that love them

    The Apprentice
    3/11 Recap – Dogs, dog butts, and the fleas that love them

    Hello friends, after a two month hiatus, I have returned to pinch hit for Wayner. I can’t fill his shoes… really I can’t… he hides them from me... damn you Wayner and your Odor Eaters! However, despite that setback, if we all work together, we can get through this with minimal casualties, and have the troops home by Christmas.

    Oh, and I need to take a moment to address some slanderous rumors floating around the double secret internet recapper boards. There is no truth to the story that Wayner has been in self-imposed seclusion since Omarosa’s firing.

    Wayner is using his vacation as a cover story yes, but not over the Omarosa issue. I probably shouldn’t be saying this, but Wayner was called before congress to testify on the steroid issue that is in the news. He was sitting right there between Don Fehr and Bud Selig. Now, I don’t want to be casting about reckless accusations, but if you had seen Wayner up close recently, you would notice how bulked up his typing fingers are. We all noticed the difference… and it would explain how he can produce such brilliant recaps so quickly. So let’s all hope it works out for him, and he gets that John McCain autograph he was always wanted while he is there.

    What happened before?

    A whole bunch of folks got fired, and some took it better than others. For anyone not involved with the show, life went on as normal. For details, please read Wayner’s recaps!

    Celebrations and visitations

    The show opens with Heidi and Kwame returning from the firing of Omarosa. General joy and bedlam breaks out as the remaining folks learn of Omarosa’s departure. I haven’t seen these folks so happy since Ereka and Tammy got their jobs singing for the little critters in the Quiznos ads.

    Oh it wasn’t them in those ads? Wow… sure did look and sound like them. Sorry about that.

    The next morning, Heidi is off to see her mother in the hospital. She meets up with her sister there as well, and while she seems to be in better spirits, she also expresses a lot of struggle around prioritizing family and job. Right now, family is more important than winning, and I honestly can’t fault her for that.

    Seinfeld imitates life

    Trump summons his aspiring minions to just out front of the Crown Plaza Hotel, where he rolls up in a limo to deliver their task.

    The Donald claims that the transportation system in NYC is a challenge, and that it is no worse anywhere else in the world. I have been to NYC (in fact, I am usually in Manhattan a few times a month) amongst other places, and I can tell you this. He needs to take his NY blinders off. You want bad traffic? Try Tokyo, or Hong Kong for that matter. Easily the worst traffic I have ever seen in the US is in Seattle… yup, Seattle. I have friends up there who commute 10 miles… in up to 2 hours… everyday.

    Those east coasters probably think you need a passport to fly to Seattle, but I assure you all, it is a part of the US, though for how long I don’t know. Reports say that the Canadians are massing several tons of Moosehead along the border, and that can only mean pending hostilities, but I digress.

    The task is to earn the most money for a pedicab company in one shift. Now when I heard him say pedicab, I thought we were looking at some sort of sick, but exciting, challenge where babies would be driving taxi’s through the streets.

    Sadly, it has nothing to do with babies, though no doubt the FOX special, When Babies Drive Cabs, cannot be far behind. Instead, pedicabs are rickshaw’s. So why can’t we say rickshaw anymore? Is it offensive to people named Rick Shaw? Damn you Rick Shaw’s and political correctness!

    Trump drives off, waving with a classic Nixon victory salute, on his way to a presentation. The teams settle into their planning phase.

    Protégé, now consisting of Troy, Heidi, and Kwame, selects Troy to lead the team. This is Troy’s third shot at being Project Manager. Meanwhile, the Versacorp squad, now with Amy, Nick, Bill, and Katrina, decides to give Bill the PM job.

    To their credit, both teams avoid the Donald’s misdirection advising them to look at traffic plans and such. Were it me, I would assume the everyday drivers of those cabs would be far better at knowing where to go to earn tips. Instead, both companies come up with ideas that will add revenue during their shift.

    Unfortunately, neither idea involves recruiting homeless folks to drive the pedicabs, like Kramer and Newman did.

    Troy wants to try celebrity drivers (and I am assuming he means that they are celebrities now) or punch card system that sells future rides at reduced discount. It is basically a modification of the idea to sell Trump Ice in advance. It doesn’t seem to be as exciting this time around though.

    Over at Versacorp, Amy has a great idea, that being to sell advertising space on the pedicabs themselves, and in fact she takes it further by contacting other businesses they have already worked with in the show to date. So while Bill is leading, it is Amy who is driving the process forward, including cutting a great deal with Marquis Jet.

    Speaking of Bill, he does take a few moments to let Katrina vent on him about his leadership. Specifically that he doesn’t ask for her ideas, and only wants to use her whenever her looks can help. Bill counters by reminding her that once she has one of those brilliant ideas, she is welcome to speak up. Oh, and he is a little miffed at the sex as influence comment given that by his assessment, she has been doing that the entire show.

    Katrina decides that she will pout the rest of the way. That strategy seemed to work last week, so why change?

    Let the peddling begin!

    The next day, both teams are ready to go.

    Kwame presents an incentive program for the regular team of drivers. The driver who earns the highest fare by noon will get a $100 bonus. There are other awards as well. Meanwhile, Amy and Katrina have donned Marquis Jet gear, though apparently the rights to Troy and Kwame’s bodies have no commercial value. The ladies I know who saw Kwame on the bike would likely disagree.

    Over at Versacorp, Bill and Nick are attaching signs to the pedicabs, and from the looks of it, they have sold a lot of advertising. This could be no contest at all.

    After a few hours of the shift pass, it is clear to Protégé that what they are doing is not working. Kwame is not getting fares, and Troy feels that they are not efficient. He does something here that I thought was pretty smart. He calls his partners together, and they sit down to reassess. The team has no new ideas to try, so the meeting falls apart, and Troy decides to change clothes and take over driver duties himself.

    Kwame is impressed with Troy’s attitude as driver, and calls him the “Cosmic Cowboy”. Unfortunately, this team needs someone more like Super Save Us All Now From Certain Defeat Cowboy. Sadly, that cowboy was unavailable for this episode, a reality driven home to the hapless Protégé team when they observe a Versacorp pedicab go by, with the advertising in clear view.

    Correctly assuming that they sold that ad space, Troy sums up the situation as only Troy can. “It’s like looking at the ass of a dead dog with fleas.” Interpretation: Troy has some weird hobbies. Or wait, maybe he knows he is boardroom bound.

    Out on the street, Heidi is still trying to drum up business. So you have to ask yourself, what methods would YOU use to sell these pedicab rides?

    Appeal to the fun of touring Manhattan in an open air vehicle?

    Perhaps point out that the ride is a lot cheaper than taking a cab?

    Look for the cynical types and tell them how much fun it would be to watch some poor soul peddle their lazy fat asses around town?

    Yes, all good ideas my friends. However Heidi has a different view. She feels that most folks will be motivated to buy the ride if she tosses out several F-bombs and implies that most of NYC doesn’t have enough sex.

    Now that may well be true, but it didn’t seem to work, and it definitely caught the attention of Carolyn, who doesn’t seem to appreciate it.

    Checking in with Versacorp, we learn that one of the signs for a restaurant has fallen off, and Nick feels it is critical that they contact the owner and offer them a refund. Now, Nick has been pretty consistent from an ethics point of view, even going so far as to not supporting Kwame’s autograph plan back in the Planet Hollywood challenge, and I continue to wonder where those ethics come from. I mean, he sells copiers folks. Anyone who has dealt with those sales people will tell you they would have to step up several levels to be as honest as a used car salesman. Maybe Nick is the exception that proves the rule?

    Not only does Nick want to give a refund, he decides to refund the entire $250 fee, even though the sign was up for half a day. Bill is not happy, and keeps reminding Nick to think of what is on the line here. Nick doesn’t care, he is thinking long term with the client.

    So who is right? Well both are, though if Versacorp loses by a hundred bucks or so, then you can bet Nick is going to the boardroom.

    Showdown time

    They meet at the boardroom, and as expected, the Versacorp team demolishes the Protégé-ians by an astounding $3680 to $382. The lion’s share of the income due to Amy’s idea to sell advertising, but even there, the Versacorp team almost doubled the fares collected by Protégé. It was not even close, and the Donald has no patience at this point of the game for incompetence.

    For winning this week, Amy, Bill, Katrina, and Nick earn a yacht trip around Manhattan, along with a dinner.

    The running, “is it love” theme continues on between Amy and Nick. Katrina speculates that Amy may think she is getting the upper hand between them, but in the end Nick will come out ahead. Katrina manages to say all that with the same smug pouting attitude she had used with Bill earlier. She is nothing if not consistent, and given this level of sourness, I expect the Lemon Council to name a fruit after her.

    All is not fun and games though, and back at the shack, Kwame, Heidi, and Troy are stressed out. Heidi is puffing away on her cancer sticks out on the patio with Katrina later in the evening. She says that family is more important that this game, or work, and apparently both of those things are more important than wearing properly fitted blouse to the boardroom.

    If Heidi wrote an autobiography, I think it would be best called “Busting Out”. Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with that in most settings, in fact, I encourage it! I just think in a business environment, you have to take your audience into account. George is probably on the Viagra by now. Donald has, frankly, seen better; and something tells me Carolyn didn’t get to where she is by “flashing the twins”.

    Face the Donald

    The boardroom session begins abruptly with Donald being very aggressive with his questions. He is not happy with this team, and feels the contestants remaining at this point in the game should be far more accomplished in the challenges.

    As always, he asks the PM what happened. Troy says that their idea was great, but the Versacorp idea was brilliant. I tend to agree with the latter half of that comment.

    Carolyn notes that they really had only one idea, and it definitely didn’t work. George notes that they put all their eggs in that one idea basket. Troy tries to counter that Versacorp did the same thing. Bad tack there Troy, as he quickly gets rebuked with the predicable comment that their idea worked.

    Donald asks about the driver task and Kwame confesses that he sucked as a pedicab driver. I think he would have been better if he hadn’t hit every pothole on the road. George presses him to say who he would blame, Heidi or Troy. Kwame hesitates as they all do when faced with that question. He finally says that Heidi is to blame.

    Heidi answers much faster, and gives a great response that she basically likes Troy, but he would have to take the blame as Project Manager.

    Troy wonders why he isn’t allowed to answer that question, but Donald cuts him off, saying he will get to choose who is fired. A look of panic crosses over Troy’s face, and Donald lets him stew for a moment before saying that he will decide what other person joins him in the boardroom. Just two this time.

    Troy was not prepared for this, and if he paid attention to Donald’s words, he probably picked up on the idea that he himself was probably not going to be fired. Donald has seen enough good things to keep him around, however that means that Troy really is deciding who will go. It is a tough call. Ereka was booted for being loyal to Katrina via a friendship. If he let’s Kwame off the hook, will he suffer the same fate for being loyal? On the other hand, he knows that Heidi is on an emotional roller coaster, and is most likely to shoot herself down.

    He decides to take Heidi.

    Kwame returns to the penthouse, while Heidi proceeds to call Troy a few choice bleep names. She points out that in this task, she was much more effective than Kwame. I am not sure how though, as generally this team accomplished nothing as a whole. The anger is short lived, and they are back to hugging before being called back in.

    You’re Fired!

    Trump consults with George and Carolyn. George says that Heidi didn’t do a lot during the challenge, but Troy had no creative ideas. Carolyn clearly has an agenda, and she counters that at least Troy had an idea. She says that Heidi hasn’t shown anything throughout the show.

    The suspects return to the room, and Trump again confronts Troy, this time about leadership. Troy tosses out the leaders are born, not made cliché, and I immediately wonder that means. Did Troy start bossing around the playground kids back in kindergarten? Troy scores big points though when he reminds everyone that he has been selected as leader by his team three times already, more than anyone else. Trump is impressed by that.

    Asked about Heidi’s leadership abilities, Troy gets in a slam by noting that as a leader, Heidi is best suited to be a saleswoman.

    Heidi argues, saying that she is a leader and she is FIESTY! Yes, she has thrown down the feisty card. I am shocked and appalled.

    Apparently feisty doesn’t carry much weight with Carolyn, who immediately challenges her, noting again that “I haven’t seen anything out of you.” Heidi counters with another feisty reference. It just isn’t working.

    After a few more barbs, the Donald does the expected, and sends Heidi on her way.

    He notes that he likes Heidi a lot, but that she just isn’t a leader. Seems Troy was right about that after all.

    To her credit, Heidi leaves with a lot of class, and it seemed genuine, as compared to some recent departed folks who will remain nameless. In fact, she seemed relieved to be done with the game. Good luck to Heidi, and her mother.

    Next week

    It seems we have a highlight show coming up, and the next contest will involve a casino. It should be great fun!

    Your comments are welcome. Email: bill@fansofrealitytv.com
    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
    -- Arrested Development, Season III

  2. #2
    Soccer Kicks Balls cali's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by guest 'capper extraordinaire
    I can’t fill his shoes… really I can’t… he hides them from me...

    I thought we were looking at some sort of sick, but exciting, challenge where babies would be driving taxi’s through the streets.

    Damn you Rick Shaw’s and political correctness!


    Unfortunately, this team needs someone more like Super Save Us All Now From Certain Defeat Cowboy. Sadly, that cowboy was unavailable for this episode, a reality driven home to the hapless Protégé team when they observe a Versacorp pedicab go by, with the advertising in clear view.

    George is probably on the Viagra by now. Donald has, frankly, seen better; and something tells me Carolyn didn’t get to where she is by “flashing the twins”.
    Great job! Thanks so much Bill. It's also good to know where Wayner is
    "Rice is great when you're hungry and want 2,000 of something' -- Mitch Hedberg

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    Embracing the Inner Geek museumguy's Avatar
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    Great pinch hit Bill....very funny as always.....Loved the qoute about the shoes ....and so much more..... ....

    Donald has not only seen better...he pays alimony to better....

    and Although I wish Troy would let the fleas rest the title of this recap is perfect....

    finally when it comes to Trump there is only one Casino...the one in Atlantic City named after the owner of New Yorks worst Toupee...which is losing lots of money to Native Americans in Connecticut.. Perhaps the free ads will help....

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    Shark Week! dagwood's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bill_in_PDX
    Troy sums up the situation as only Troy can. “It’s like looking at the ass of a dead dog with fleas.” Interpretation: Troy has some weird hobbies.


    Great job, Bill.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    Maybe we should chug on over to namby pamby land where we can find some self confidence for you, you jackwagon!

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    It ain't easy being green Wayner's Avatar
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    Bill, great job. Thanks for taking the reins this week during my absence. Loved the recap! The comments about Katrina and Heidi were dead on and funnier than heck!

    I admit, I've been breaking too many keys on my keyboard. I never should have had BALCO order replacements for me. BTW, I snagged an autographed picture that says "To the FORT, you guys are da bomb. Sincerely, The Cainster."

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    see below caliqueen16's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bill_in_PDX
    Correctly assuming that they sold that ad space, Troy sums up the situation as only Troy can. “It’s like looking at the ass of a dead dog with fleas.” Interpretation: Troy has some weird hobbies. Or wait, maybe he knows he is boardroom bound.
    I found Troy's comment endlessly amusing and your commentary of it just as amusing

    Quote Originally Posted by Bill_in_PDX
    Next week

    It seems we have a highlight show coming up, and the next contest will involve a casino. It should be great fun!
    According to www.tvguide.com, the next episode is...

    The Apprentice
    A Look Back
    60 mins.

    Nobody gets fired on this edition of the reality hit, in which Master Donald Trump recaps the first 10 shows and explains his termination decisions. The program also includes outtakes from past episodes.

    Rating: TV-PG

    Release Year: 2004
    *Lacey

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    Red Sox Nation Brooks's Avatar
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    Of course the one outtake we all want to see is the brick that busted O's head wide open...

  8. #8
    Go TROY! TroyDaMan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Bill_in_PDX
    The Apprentice
    Correctly assuming that they sold that ad space, Troy sums up the situation as only Troy can. “It’s like looking at the ass of a dead dog with fleas.” Interpretation: Troy has some weird hobbies. Or wait, maybe he knows he is boardroom bound.

    Troy was not prepared for this, and if he paid attention to Donald’s words, he probably picked up on the idea that he himself was probably not going to be fired. Donald has seen enough good things to keep him around, however that means that Troy really is deciding who will go. It is a tough call. Ereka was booted for being loyal to Katrina via a friendship. If he let’s Kwame off the hook, will he suffer the same fate for being loyal? On the other hand, he knows that Heidi is on an emotional roller coaster, and is most likely to shoot herself down.

    To her credit, Heidi leaves with a lot of class, and it seemed genuine, as compared to some recent departed folks who will remain nameless. In fact, she seemed relieved to be done with the game. Good luck to Heidi, and her mother.
    On the first comment that I quoted, I agree witht he last sentence...Prety wild, but funny comment, though.

    I completely agree with the other 2 comments I quoted. And, Omarosa, Heidi does have class...DT really likes her, and he said that he may hire Heidi for a job in sales at one of his companies...That would be nice

    What a long post! Excellent job, Bill_in_PDX!

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    FORT Fogey
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    I haven’t seen these folks so happy since Ereka and Tammy got their jobs singing for the little critters in the Quiznos ads.

    Oh it wasn’t them in those ads? Wow… sure did look and sound like them. Sorry about that.

    So why can’t we say rickshaw anymore? Is it offensive to people named Rick Shaw? Damn you Rick Shaw’s and political correctness!

    Katrina decides that she will pout the rest of the way. That strategy seemed to work last week, so why change?

    apparently the rights to Troy and Kwame’s bodies have no commercial value. The ladies I know who saw Kwame on the bike would likely disagree.

    She is nothing if not consistent, and given this level of sourness, I expect the Lemon Council to name a fruit after her.

    George is probably on the Viagra by now. Donald has, frankly, seen better; and something tells me Carolyn didn’t get to where she is by “flashing the twins”.
    Great job, Bill! You know I like all your Pelican Pete Reports, and I do like your recaps, both times you've done them. They have been good!

  10. #10
    Kip
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    Hilarious intro and super recap. Loved it -- thank you.

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