Episode 13 Recap (Part I): Next Time, Put Your Mind To It

[Wayner]

Well, we’ve finally reached this, the penultimate episode of “The Apprentice.” And this is an event of tremendous magnitude, probably far more important than you can imagine. I mean, just think, this marks the first time in my life I’ve ever managed to correctly use the word “penultimate” in a sentence! And it’s not like I haven’t tried and failed miserably in the past. Okay, I’ll grant you that it’s probably a lot more important to me than it is to you. Fine, then try this on for size: I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance. No? That’s not doing anything for you either? Ahem. Well then, how about if we just get right to the most recent happenings in the most recent installment of “The Apprentice”, shall we?

Kwame returns to the suite and promptly tells the other three remaining candidates “Everything I do from now on is dedicated to Troy.” I don’t know about you, but I am firmly opposed to anyone ever dedicating everything they do to me. The last thing I need is someone flushing and saying “That one’s for Wayner.” (Oh c’mon, like I’m the only one that thought that!)

The final four are told to meet Donald Trump in the Esquire Suite of Trump World Tower. They arrive, and The Donald is not only accompanied by Carolyn and George, but also what turns out to be four high-ranking Trump employees. Trump proceeds to tell the group that the suite was designed and built by Esquire Magazine, and “If you really turn out to be a success, someday you’ll live in a place like this.”

A Word For The Children

I’d like to take a moment to speak directly to you impressionable young kids that might have been watching the show. First, sorry for the potty humor two paragraphs back, I should know better. But don’t try that at home. For one thing I’m a trained professional, and for another I don’t want your parents sending me nasty emails about how I’m corrupting their little angels. Second, and more importantly, don’t listen to Donald Trump. Money and the size of one’s apartment aren’t the only way to measure whether you’re successful or not. There are plenty of other ways to measure one’s success. The number and quality of your friends, the strength of your character, and the amount of money you send your favorite recapper are just a few.

Okay, back to the suite. Trump introduces us to the four employees. He introduces Norma Foerderer as his executive assistant, though we later learn that she is VP of Media Relations & Human Resources. Which, frankly, might both be the same thing. She bares a striking resemblance to Lois Reisen, the woman that lived next door to me when I was seven. Which means nothing to you, but I’m really only writing this recap for my own personal enjoyment, and Lois made me laugh. I mean, how can the sight of a sixty year old woman smoking a Tiparillo and playing “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” not make a boy of seven giggle uncontrollably? Though I do have to admit that even then I found the miniskirt and knee-socks a bit creepy for someone of her advanced years.

Allen Weisselberg is Trump’s CFO. He reminds me of a slightly heavier and much more sour version of actor David Cross. If you aren’t familiar with Mr. Cross, he plays Tobias Funke on “Arrested Development.” If you aren’t familiar with “Arrested Development”, you’re going to get one of my favorite shows cancelled, not to mention that my witty description of Mr. Weisselberg just went to waste.

Charles Reiss is responsible for acquisitions in the Trump organization, and Tom Downing is Head of Trump International Hotel & Tower. Neither of them have any resemblance to anyone from my past, nor to any cast members from a sitcom. How sad for them.

Trump informs the remaining Apprentice candidates that they will be spending the day being interviewed by his four trusted advisors. At the end of the day, Donald will listen to their impressions of each of the candidates, and two of the remaining four will be fired.

Let The Grilling Begin

Allen welcomes Kwame into his office, and the interviews are under way. Allen asks “I’ve heard it through the grapevine that sometimes your energy level isn’t always where it should be. Do you feel that way?” Kwame was calm and cool. “No, I feel like I wear my energy different than others. It’s just a style difference.” He may wear it differently, but Kwame’s mellow demeanor has often left me wondering if perhaps he left his energy in is other suit.

Next we see Charles grilling Amy, and things are going quite so smoothly for our golden girl. “Amy you’re pretty familiar with the organization right now. I’d like to hear of your description of the organization.” Amy offers up Standard Interview Answer #1. “I’ve read quite a bit on Mr. Trump, and I think the value that I can bring is, I think…” Charles cuts her off. “I didn’t ask about the value. I just want to know how you feel the organization works.” She’s been outmaneuvered, and it’s time to start pulling answers out of certain areas I’d rather not name, what with the kids reading and all. “I think people that can be a Devil’s Advocate & say Charlie, I think that’s a bad idea & here’s why…” She’s interrupted again. “But how would you know it was a bad idea? Do you have a sense of construction?” Amy can’t even get out of this one with her dazzling smile, it’s gone. All she can do is offer up a weak “No.”

Bill is talking with Norma, answering a question we didn’t hear. “Sometimes I’m never satisfied. Some people view this as a positive, but it can be a curse.” Norma disagrees. “I disagree with you.” She adds “I think that’s a strength.” Bill looks a little nervous. “You do?” She continues “I still don’t think you’ve told me a weakness.” Bill replies “That’s one.” Norma points out again that’s not a weakness. “That’s not a weakness” she says. I’m starting to get the feeling that I’m over-quoting.

Nick’s first interview is with Tom Downing, and the copy salesman is as brash as ever. “I’m well spoken, I’m smart, and I have an affect on people that’s positive.” You left out that you’re cocky, smug, and according to your dad last week, you don’t exactly have a strong track record with the ladies. Tom responds. “What are you going to bring to the table other than your charisma? What’s going to make me say hey, this is the guy I want to work with?” Nick looks lost. Clearly no one has ever dared to question the power of The Charisma (echo, echo, echo.)

Next we see Nick with Allen. The CFO asks “What do you do on Day One?” Nick looks confident and prepared again. “Introduce myself & present a vision for the organization.” Allen looks dubious. “And you’d be able to do this on Day One, without knowing the first thing about this entity?” Deer. Headlights.

Tom tries to bait Bill. “Obviously you’ve been getting by on your instincts – you’re sure as Hell not getting by on your education.” Bill does a great job of defending himself with a little righteous indignation. “Whoa-whoa-whoa. My education? I’m proud of my education?”

The questions come fast and furious, and the editing conveys the sense of just how overwhelming the interviews must have been.

Back in the safety of their suite, Amy tells the other candidates ”I don’t even remember what it was, but I’m like “I’m not making any sense.” so hopefully it’s the quality of how I deliver it and not what I say.” Yeah, I’m sure the execs are going to tell Donald “I couldn’t understand a word the woman said, but she confused me with such style and panache!”

Solid, Steady, Slick, and Stepford

The trusted advisors meet Trump, George, and Carolyn in the boardroom to report their results. I hate to keep quoting, but there were so many good lines.

When asked who she liked best, Norma felt Bill was solid. Charles thought “Bill is the king of guy I could relate to immediately. He certainly could hit the ground running & require very little supervision.” That sounds like we’ve got our first finalist, people.

Trump asked what they thought of Kwame. Tom like him. “He’s got a likeability about him. In my business, if you can get an extra two or three minutes out of someone because you’re likeable, that’s important.” That sounds promising, but what did they think of Nick and Amy?

Of Nick, Charlie said “I like Nick a lot as a person. Here’s a guy with a lot of potential. But clearly he’s not a sharp kind of guy. Clearly doesn’t present himself as an intellect.” Ouch Nick, that’s gonna leave a mark, buddy. Allen felt that Nick was a great person to sell a product. “He comes right at you, he’s in your face. But there’s nothing behind that.” Tom tells Donald that he can’t see Nick running one of Trump’s companies. When asked why, Tom tell him that he thinks Nick is “a little bit too slick for his own good.” I think Tom is being a little harsh. I mean, wasn’t that very same quality responsible for putting Clinton in the White House?

Nobody had anything nice to say about Amy. Comments ranged from Norma’s “She would get on my nerves” to Charlie’s comment that Amy “reminded me of a Stepford Wife.” Kudos to The Donald for not falling out of his chair laughing at that comment.

Their impressions delivered (and no, not a one of them could hold a candle to Rich Little), the executives depart. The candidates enter and sit to face the music. Not actual music, you understand, I was turning a phrase. Well, I mean the producers edited in music later. But it’s not like Trump had his own fanfare or anything; that would just be silly. Oh, wait. He did that last week. Never mind.

Things happened very quickly. Donald asked the candidates about their opponents. Bill said that he would fire Nick, because the depth of experience isn’t there. Nick is offended. “To say that I’m just a salesman is, is…” he trailed off. I think the word he was looking for was “accurate.”

Amy concurs with Bill, and believes that Nick should be fired. Trump is stunned. “Nick?!!! Whoa! That’s the end of that marriage. You’re very cold. You’re a cold-hearted person.” Amy pouted. And who can blame her? Doesn’t The Donald know that Amy was never really sure about how she felt about Nick? The insensitive weasel.

Nick senses things slipping away, so he goes into selling mode. “What makes Trump Trump? When you walk into a room there’s a presence there. Every employee I talked to has worked for you for ten years, twenty years, twenty-five years. They come to work because of you. And I believe I share those same traits.” Oh please, Nick. You expect us to believe that you’ve shared anything besides an opinion in your entire life?

Trump lowers the boom on Nick’s head. “All my executives and all your peers in this room say you’re a salesman but not a leader. Unfortunately, I have to say You’re Fired.”

In the cab, Nick tells us “I did my best. I went one thousand miles per hour and a hundred and thirty percent. I have nothing to be ashamed up and I have no regrets.” I’d suggest that Nick might want to feel a little shame over his complete lack of understanding of percentiles, but that seems to be a common trait among Reality TV contestants, so I’m going to let that one slide this time.

The next execution if far more swift. After a few brief statements, Trump announces “Amy, all of my executives said that there’s little substance behind your words. It’s a tough decision, but Amy I have to fire you.” Of course, we all realize the reason he didn’t use his patented catch phrase; next week the show will be hawking “I Have To Fire You” t-shirts.

If Amy’s taxicab confession sounds anything like her interview answers, it’s no wonder she was universally disliked by the executives. “I think what’s been the greatest experience for me has been learning that you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it.” If that’s true, then Amy never put her mind to winning the show.

Trump congratulates Kwame and Bill for making it to the final two. He tells them to meet him back in the boardroom the next day, where they will receive instructions for their final task.

To Be Continued…

It’s after 4am. I’m only halfway through this recap. Not that you care. In the spirit of testing Amy’s theory, I’m going to put my mind to finishing the rest of the recap in the next sixty seconds. And…time! Nope, nothing. Man that’s a lame idea, Amy. I’m disgusted. In fact, I’m so disgusted that I’m going to need some time to gather myself before I finish telling you about this episode. In the mean time, I’ll give you a topic to discuss. Let’s try “Stupid ways a writer can try to put off finishing a recap.”

The second half of the recap will post Wednesday night. Thanks for your patience. wayner@fansofrealitytv.com

[Google]

 

[missamyh]

So far so good Wayner.............I will be patiently waited for the rest.

Oh by the way............I never even knew penultimate was a word. Your recaps are educational as well as informative(that was for the kids at home).

[pcdeatherage]

quite enjoyable but now we have'ta start another "I hate Omarosa" thread to keep ourselves occupied...

[justvisiting]

Originally Posted by pcdeatherage

quite enjoyable but now we have'ta start another "I hate Omarosa" thread to keep ourselves occupied...

[Live from NYC]

Originally Posted by Wayner

Allen looks dubious. “And you’d be able to do this on Day One, without knowing the first thing about this entity?” Deer. Headlights.

LMAO!!

Another great (half) recap, Wayner!!

[Lucy]

So this is the penultimate time I get to laugh at an Apprentice recap? I'd better dedicate this post to Wayner, then.

I mean, how can the sight of a sixty year old woman smoking a Tiparillo and playing “Pin the Tail on the Donkey” not make a boy of seven giggle uncontrollably? Though I do have to admit that even then I found the miniskirt and knee-socks a bit creepy for someone of her advanced years.

I think it's creepy that a 60-year-old woman is playing Pin the Tail on the Donkey with a giggling 7-year-old boy. But hey, that's just me.

[doubleyouj]

Originally Posted by Wayner

If Amy’s taxicab confession sounds anything like her interview answers, it’s no wonder she was universally disliked by the executives. “I think what’s been the greatest experience for me has been learning that you can accomplish anything if you put your mind to it.” If that’s true, then Amy never put her mind to winning the show.

In Amy's resume at ameliahenry(dot)com, you can see further evidence that she just might be more glitz than substance. There's a lot of "what she was in charge of or responsible for" (her "duties"), but I'm hardpressed to find in her resume any "Accomplishments" listed. Coupled with her cliche statement about accomplishing anything if you put your mind to it, I'd have to say she's looking more and more like an empty suit.

Contrast this with Kwame's resume at kwamejackson(dot) com, where he lists many specific, concrete accomplishments. If you were hiring someone and screening Amy vs Kwame's resume, who would you want to interview? Granted, quality of a resume isn't necessarily an accurate predictor of quality of future success in a job, but Kwame at the very least shows he paid more attention in Resume Writing 101...

[Paradigm]

Hi Wayner,

Usually I quote all the wise cracking remarks that I enjoyed in your recap. However, if I'd do the same with this recap, I'd be quoting it all! Yes, it is that good. :bow

Keep 'em coming.

G'day

[bobmac]

Very nice recap Wayner.

Originally Posted by Wayner

It’s a tough decision, but Amy I have to fire you.” Of course, we all realize the reason he didn’t use his patented catch phrase; next week the show will be hawking “I Have To Fire You” t-shirts.

I was dissapointed that Trump went and said "I'll have to fire you" instead of "You're Fired". But now that you have explained it, it makes so much sense.

[fluff]

I don’t know about you, but I am firmly opposed to anyone ever dedicating everything they do to me. The last thing I need is someone flushing and saying “That one’s for Wayner.” (Oh c’mon, like I’m the only one that thought that!)

He may wear it differently, but Kwame’s mellow demeanor has often left me wondering if perhaps he left his energy in is other suit.

“What are you going to bring to the table other than your charisma? What’s going to make me say hey, this is the guy I want to work with?” Nick looks lost. Clearly no one has ever dared to question the power of The Charisma (echo, echo, echo.)

Yeah, I’m sure the execs are going to tell Donald “I couldn’t understand a word the woman said, but she confused me with such style and panache!”

Nick is offended. “To say that I’m just a salesman is, is…” he trailed off. I think the word he was looking for was “accurate.”

So many gems, Wayner.
I quoted just a fraction of my favourite funnybits.