Canadian Idol - Western Canada Shows it’s Stuff.
Portage and Main
Welcome to the West ! First stop is sweet as cyanide judge Zack’s hometown of Winnipeg. We get a preview of the waiting and waiting . The grand old Fort Garry Hotel hasn’t seen a rowdy bunch like this since the Jets left town. Speaking of which , I know it’s only me , and like four other people watching . Everyone else in the country is watching Calgary slap the tan off those Tampa boys. I’m ok with that since I know I’ll only miss the first period or so.
Back to the Idol crew , and we don’t even get a touristy shot of Portage and Main. Maybe cause it’s not 15 below ( yuck yuck ) . We see Jon goofing with the hundreds of hopefuls , and a fashion parade.
First on the big blue dot is Cheryl with her stripper pole rendition of Whitney’s “I wanna Dance”.Crystal gives us the “replicant” version of “Fever”, and she must have had one because she was really bad. Roberta and Kirsten , who was dubbed amazingly awful by the judges, follow. It’s looking pretty grim for the city smack at the centre of North America , so we get a break for Ukrainian Idol . There is a plus sized lady singing horrifically . She’s wearing huge stripes, and somewhere the fab five are dying. Jon saves us by doing some ethnic dancing, and everyone is happy again.
We get a shot of Stephanie ,who already has a fan club. You know she’s getting a ticket before she walks in. She does a credible job , gets her ticket and then the camera’s follow her to tell Daddy at work. Darren is next with the Christmas carol “O Holy Night”. Freaky , but it’s probably the song he thinks he sings best. He’s just about turned down even though he’s pretty good. He apparently has an important wedding to attend in July- his own. Zack and Jake nitpick him and each other , because he won’t commit 100% to not show up at his own wedding . Sass tells them to go blow and hands him a ticket. So much for Winterpeg.
Stop for Gas First
After a stop at the “infamous” corner gas bar somewhere in rural Saskatchewan, Ben and Jon reach Regina. I guess they missed the whole province last time , so I’m hopeful .
Solomon walks out first , and isn’t too bad . Everyone likes him but Jake who dubs him “an imitator” Jake honey , they are all imitators to some degree. Jeff assures us “somewhere out there” there may be someone with a voice . It isn’t him.
Scott the übergeek, sings some kind of Canada song, that dramatic voiceover Ben assures us he “killed at band camp with” . We then get a pre montage of Theresa cutesy childhood photos. We know of course she’s getting a ticket . She’s assured she’s the best they’ve seen in this country, this year or last.
Next up is Jonny Fairplay from survivors evil twin, Jonny Rockstar aka Cecil. He sings “Piano Man” so badly Billy Joel must be rolling in his grave though he’s not dead yet. Bonnie sings - uh - something , then tells the judges she has trouble with that song. She is told she would have trouble with any song. Jake is up next with a rendition of “Black Water’ that makes everyone wish he was in black water - drowning. Hey it’s another montage ! This time it’s for cute teacher Manoah. Her students dared her to do CI.. She picked a bad song , but is assured she has an amazing voice . Of course when there’s a montage , that means a ticket , so she’s off to TO. Bye Bye Saskatchewan
On to the mall baby , as in West Edmonton. Jon has found some local bimbo who strips and runs around the mall in her fake boy underoos. Jon of course joins her in the mandatory basic dark Canadian Idol boxers we viewed last year on Ben Mulroney. At least his mother wasn’t watching.
Nicky sings “At Last”, but she doesn’t. Kristy sings another unknown song , and she doesn’t either. Last that is. We next see Danielle do a weird “Lets stay together” She flails around till the judges concur that they would need “300 choreographers” just for her. In a moment that easily tops any on American Idol, she is told she’s going through even though she “can’t dance for sh*t”. Lindsay gives us a horrible version of “Freedom” and is given hers back. Sylvie sings another unknown song, but gets her ticket. Kyla is told she’s the best they’ve seen . ( Hey wait didn’t we hear that?) Ben phones mommy to give her the good Canadian Idol news. Let’s just hope mom’s not a Liberal . They tell Kalan he looks 12 . He assures them he’s 18 and out comes a huge voice singing ‘House of the Risin Sun” Jake says he’s the best person I’ve seen. I can see the catfights back at the Idol hotel now . They said I was best . No-way they said I was best.
Arnelle (?) looks beautiful but is told dogs barking sound better. Isaac brings back some old Michael Jackson , but is told he has “sub zero” talent. Hey it’s time for other montage ,this time showcasing boxer girl and proud native Canadian Marilyn. She sings a hymn - gets her ticket and the mall closes.
Welcome to Lotusland
It’s the final stop in Lala land, best known as Vancouver. Ever the contrary, Jon does a nice East coast jig , only on the West coast. Whatever Jon.
First up is Steve Erkl wannabe Wes. Zack and Jake know they are in for a long few days as predictably he’s bad. Next is Connor , who looks like he’s stepped out of a community theater production of Grease. He sings “I Fought the Law” in a growly voice. Sass tells him to “cough up the other lung”. Jacob sings “Forever in Blue Jeans”. I’m thinking what the ?
The judges fight and somehow he gets a ticket.
Benny and Jon take a romp on the beach . Luckily it’s not the local nude one at Wreck beach , or I really would have had to turn the channel. Oh good , now they try and fly a kite. Ahhhh cheesy TV at it’s finest.
We get a break while we watch the local Vancouver media take their stab at the Idol experience . It’s time wasted. They are pretty bad, even with Zack admonishing them to “sing it for real...”
Back at the auditions we see Robin . She’s happy and sings a Whitney song , not too badly. We see some sisters singing awkwardly, followed by someone who was channeling Julie Andrews - or though they were. Next was Jessica who had a voice “only dogs could hear”. Then out walks Shane , your average Canadian Perogie salesman. When he starts into Josh Groban’s “You Raise me Up” I’m concerned , but hey, he pulls it off. It’s a fitting end . The top 100 has somehow swelled to the top 155. They are different from last years crew , and according to the judges, better ,edgier, and much younger.
Next week Tune in for the Top 32.
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