If you’re like me, you’ve had your share of rejections. I gave up approaching women as my New Year’s resolution a few years ago. It didn’t last. It seems I’m a glutton for punishment. Yep, there’s nothing like chugging a few pints of your finest lager and suddenly feeling like Brad Pitt, Fonzi and Jeff Foxworthy all rolled up into one short, stubby body with more chins that could double as a six pack of hotdogs. Welcome to my world.
So you could imagine my surprise when tonight’s episode opens up with other men being shot down like a Messerschmitt over the English Channel. I feel your pain bud, but I’m secretly cheering your demise.
Going Down In A Blaze Of Glory
In a voiceover we learn that Vegas is not only a haven for gambling, but with the right amount of booze, it is a place to fulfill dares. We’re joined at a round table with a trio of successful blondes who just happened to be engaging in a game of dare with an awkwardly shy gentleman.
The lucky guy is enjoying the moment even if it is poking fun at him. For some reason successful women love tearing apart a normal Joe--who probably worked double shifts for six months at the local Gas-n-Sip just to make the trip to Vegas in a last ditch attempt to score. Joe is dared to kiss the bull’s-eye tattoo on the lower back of one of the blondes. Dare? I call that last night’s dream. Joe leans over and hikes up the tender blonde’s shirt and seductively tongues the ink right off her back, leaving a tiny amount of spittle as his calling card.
The tables are turned and the blonde now has to return the favor by kissing a tattoo on the guy. He has three tattoos which offers so many delicious selections. The blonde decides to play it safe and goes for the tattoo on his back, neatly settled between a patch of pimples and random long black curly hairs. Dodging the minefield of acne, she plants a millisecond peck on his back. Joe is left walking on cloud nine and excuses himself to the bathroom. The blondes return to their tearing apart of guys as shrieks of laughter are heard across the casino.
Nick is a French Canadian computer geek who confesses to sitting at home on his computer with Dorito stained hands, trying to get to the 78th level of Zelda. Vegas is his chance to toss aside the stereotypes of software programmers and live out his wildest dreams. He’s joined by three of his friends who urge him to go and talk to a fiery redhead sitting alone at the table across the room. Now call me a cynic, but this had to be staged. No hot redhead sits alone next to a table of computer geeks. My goodness, the boys were so excited they couldn’t even stand up. It’s like discovering the Playboy in your dads closet in the sixth grade.
Nick slicks the eyebrows back and heads over to lay down his finest game. Taking a page from Dummies Guide To Picking Up Chicks In Vegas, Nick plays it cool and begins to talk to her…about nothing. This is painful to watch. This girl is hot. He would’ve had better luck meeting girls at a Lilith Fair concert.
Nick trys to seduce her with his French accent while the redhead looks at her watch and asks the cameraman how much longer she has to be subjected to this torture before she gets paid. In a desperate attempt to save Nick, the remainder of the three take turns coming over to the pair to try and help him out. Finally the redhead lays down the ugly truth. It’s time for him to take a hike. Bit of advice for Nick: the Lusty Lady is just down the street. For twenty bucks you can get much further. *wink*
Anyone Who Wants A Nipple Pierced, Raise Their Hand
Korby is a local who likes to relax and have a few stiff drinks every now and then. Korby meets up with two of her pals, Mike and some guy I’ll call Fredo. As the drinks continue to pour, some gambling is in order. Mike decides to offer up the ante. Whoever loses their first hundred has to complete a dare. The three agree and the dare’s are as follows: Mike would have to wax his back; Fredo would have to streak in a Speedo and Korby would pierce one of her nipples.
As the three begin to gamble, Korby tells us she can’t believe she got suckered into this dare. Riiight. I got this feeling Korby just needed an excuse. Mike is the first to lose a hundred dollars and a back waxing is in order. But wait, seeing as how there is the possibility of seeing free boobage, the guys decide to amend the rules a bit. Whoever ends the night with the lowest chip total has to complete their dare as well. Like the Nostradamus I am, I predict we’ll be seeing some blurred out boobies shortly.
In the meantime, we’re re-introduced to Joe Comastro, Pit Boss extraordinaire. Joe has been with Caesars for five years and met his current girlfriend Cheryl Robinson on the floor. Cheryl is a dealer and can get a tad jealous at the special attention Joe pays to the female clientele. Joe shrugs it off as part of his job and continues to wink at the lovely ladies who gather around Cheryl’s table.
Joe is turning 50 and unbeknownst to him, a gaggle of his buddies have flown in to surprise him. Joe is having a hard time dealing with his birthday and had told Cheryl he doesn’t want any fanfare. Joe is paged to escort a high roller down to the casino and when Joe knocks on the door of the suite he is greeted by all of his friends. Laughter ensues and the old tales of being back on the block are in full swing.
Korby and the gang are gambling their little hearts out. The guys slip the dealer a little something on the side to ensure Korby’s losing streak and *surprise* Korby comes away with the lowest chip total. This means a little extra hardware for the nips.
First it’s off to the back waxer where Mike has to be shorn. What a joke. Mike has two, maybe three hairs on his back. No wonder he chose that dare. Any sane man would never dare himself a wax job. Then it’s off to the all night piercing parlor where Korby has to have her arm twisted to get her nipples pierced. It’s pixilated goodness as Korby takes a breath and recieves the jewelry that will adorn her buxom body.
High Hopes And An Anniversary
It must be redhead’s week at Caesars. Not that I’m complaining, mind you. I often dress up in summer dresses and a red wig and pretend I’m Annie. So yeah, you bet your bottom dollar I dig redheads.
Marco and his girlfriend (a redhead I’ll call Cherry) have just moved from Toledo to Los Angeles. Since they blew their wad on the trip out, they decided to stop at Caesars and try to win a little rent money back. They start off in good fortune and seem to building, albeit slowly, a modest winning. Poker chips are flying, booze is flowing and the couple are enjoying their success. Cherry is on the conservative side and every time Marco goes to the bathroom, she swipes a few of his chips and stows them in her purse so at least they will walk away with something. Not only are redheads beautiful, they’re smart as well.
As the night goes on, Marco begins to run into some bad luck and changes to another table. The losing streak continues and are left with only a few dollars. They had gambled away $1,600 and were contemplating pimping themselves just to afford gas money and a few burgers. It was then that Cherry remembered she had snuck extra chips into her purse when Marco wasn’t looking. In an unbelievable turn of events, as they started counting their chips it turns out Cherry had socked away $3,200. They came away with more than they had started. Moral of the story: always gamble with a hot redhead.
Larry and his wife, Bobbie, have arrived at Vegas to celebrate their seventeenth wedding anniversary. They are your normal run of the mill couple-- Larry with the salt and pepper toupee, Bobbie wearing the latest from the Kathy Ireland collection. They decide to take in a show at the Shadow Bar. If I ever make it to Vegas, this is the first place I’m going to. The Shadow Bar is a upscale bar featuring dancers behind a silk screen who gyrate their loins to music, leaving the patrons drooling in their drinks.
Larry’s constant shifting and readjusting alerts Bobbie to the excitement Larry is having. Larry admits to the intensity of what he’s watching and Bobbie suddenly comes up with an idea. She wants to try it and dance for her hubby as an anniversary present.
After some phone calls and explaining her desires, Bobbie is able to take some lessons from a feature dancer. Larry is sent off to the spa to get some pampering while Bobbie heads down to the make over room to meet with Brandy Beavers.
Brandy Beavers. Sorry, just typing that name makes me giggle. Don’t even get me started on her roommate, Candy Apples. Brandy is a Shadow dancer who will be instructing Bobbie on the finer points of seductive teasing. I’m enjoying the instruction as the two writhing bodies grind to music, choreographing the moves that’ll make Larry’s toupee do back flips.
As Bobbie gets all dolled up, a note is left for Larry to meet her in the Shadow Bar for cocktails. Larry arrives and assumes his wife is late so he enjoys the dancers titillating moves behind the silken screen, not knowing that Bobbie is one of them. Larry is sitting next to some other guys and doing what guys do: talking smack about what they’d like to do the girls up onstage. “Yeah, I’d hit that” and “Come to daddy” are a few of the man-isms overheard. To Larry’s surprise, Bobbie comes out from behind the screen and tells him she hopes he likes her anniversary present to him. Larry approves and the creeky creeky sounds from their room seal his approval.
Joe and his friends are enjoying his birthday celebration by having a cross dressing man sing him happy birthday. Cheryl was concerned that they would have strippers and hookers, but all is well as the bearded singer dances and prances around. As the party winds down, his friends begin to pressure him about his relationship with Cheryl. They all agree that she is the one and he needs to propose. Joe agrees and it’s off to the jeweler’s to pick out a ring for Cheryl.
Unlike last week, this proposal turns out the way we all want it to. Joe sets up the proposal in a private gambling room that Cheryl will be dealing in. A proposal is the last thing Cheryl is expecting. He’s fifty, has been a bachelor for a long time, yada yada yada.
Joe sits down at the table and pops out the ring and Cheryl is floored. After a few awkward moments of silence, Cheryl says yes and I’m wiping the tears away as the episode comes to an end.
Join me next week as we’re treated to another round of sex, booze, and general mayhem at Caesars. Now excuse me, I’m off to don my red wig.
Have any surefire pick up lines? Help me out…please at: Speedbump@fansofrealitytv.com