Welcome back to another exciting edition of Caesars 24/7 (waves at the lone person reading). Where else can you find money grubbing vixens and endless love all rolled into one neatly folded sixty minute show? Not on FOX, that’s for sure. I was absent last week and I apologize. My Pinto broke down just outside of Lola, Kansas and if you’ve ever been to Lola, you know there’s no internet…but they serve one hell of a plate of lamb fries.
Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Evil
I don’t know which woman pissed in the producer’s Wheaties, but man-o-man did he have it out for the ladies this episode. Yeah sure ninety-nine percent of all females in Vegas flirt, cheat and con their way into a weekend of freebies, but come on, lets give equal time to the one percent who actually bring and spend their own money. On second thought, that would make for a boring recap.
Nathalia is a part time gambler and full time attention whore who loves nothing more than sucking the machismo out of an honest man. She’s the type of person who is usually found at keg parties and tractor pulls--babbling on and on about how her ex-boyfriend bought her this and that, yet somehow still manages to wear the same tassled I Love New York belly shirt time and time again.
Nathalia is saddled up to a poker table, giggling and frolicking, enjoying the attention she’s receiving. She explains that she needs to leave with $3,400. Why she needs that exact amount I have no idea. However, I’m secretly hoping she’ll stop by the gift shop and buy an extension to the shirt she’s wearing. Let’s just say her cup runneth over and I’m not talking about her bazoomba’s either. Hey, I have nothing against full figured people--I’m actually on the hefty side myself--but for the love of sanity, belly shirts are a privilege, not a right!
Now if one girl isn’t enough, in rolls a bevy of pretty hot blondes. Their game is flawless and for a minute I sit back and admire their skills. The one blonde leans over and grabs some chips and starts playing. Unbelievable! She then gives a childish oops and giggles. Of course, with a room full of camera’s, the guy just waves it off as if he was intending to give her the chips in the first place.
Last but not least, we have Sheela and Tonya (not their real names, but are names of my ex’s--it‘s fitting). These two could swindle Donald Trump out of his own airplane. I’ll save their story for later on…
Here Comes The
Vegas is the city of chapels, so it would only be fitting for Caesars to get in on the action. In fact, Nevada is host to many theme chapels. I once got married and annulled in a Bob‘s Burger drive-thru in Reno…I got a free marriage when I ordered the Dynamite Chili Cheese Fries.
Meet Kara Luden, a wedding coordinator/actress/model/hottie who is busy scheduling the day’s weddings. She loves making dreams come true and delights in the union of two people. Kara’s right hand gal is Cassaundra Davis who specializes in crisis management and laying the smack down on unruly guests. Caesars has weddings every half hour at various locations which keeps the girls on their toes. Also on the premises is a bakery, salon and a big bow making lady--just in case the outrageously gaudy bows on bridesmaid dresses aren’t big enough.
Kara’s day is off and running, but not smoothly. Just before the first ceremony, the fire alarm just happens to go off. There’s no fire, thankfully, and I’m surprised at how sensitive those alarms really are. Apparently, the fire engine red dress of the matron of honor set that baby off in a heartbeat. Tears of sorrow quickly turn to joy as the alarm system is reset and the first couple of the day ties the knot.
On the outside, Kara is cooler than soy milk, but inside she is all tied in knots. It’s rare that everything goes as planned, so after downing a bottle of antacid, it’s off to the next wedding.
More Money, More Problems
You all remember Michelle Adams right? She’s a dealer at Caesars who is pretty cool. I like her and here’s why: she’s jaded enough to not fall for crap yet still sees the good in people. Michelle is dealing blackjack in a private room to Anthony--a high roller with a trophy girlfriend (Kristina) who’s only into his…you guessed it, his money.
Within minutes Anthony is down a few grand so Michelle pulls out the let’s keep him gambling deck of cards and *poof* Anthony is suddenly up by $35,000. With the morning gambling out of the way, Anthony and his girlfriend join some friends in a cabana by the pool. Anthony and Kristina have been dating for eight years and enjoys teasing her about her love for all things material. Kristina denies her lack of inner-love as she holds her hand out for some cash. Honey, it’s been eight years. He’s knows your game. No ring for you. Anthony is participating in a blackjack tournament where the winner takes home $75,000. Well, wouldn’t you know…he just happens to win. Kristina is thrilled and leans over to her friend and announces, “Oh yeah, we have to go shopping now!”
We’re back to Nathalia, flailing her arms and high fiving any guy who will touch her. She’s next to some small town guy who probably saved for years to some to Vegas. This guy can see right through her, however…right through her top and into her hypnotic eyes as he just hands over chip after chip. What a buffoon. Nathalia is regaling us of stories of her past, telling about her last gambling boyfriend who never bet less than a thousand dollars a pop each and every time. This little tale snaps the buffoon out of his trance when he realizes he only has fifteen bucks and a free drink coupon in his pocket. There’s no way he’s getting in to her pants tonight. Maybe if he had the free dinner buffet pass, just maybe….
Sheela and Tonya hit pay dirt. They cozy up next to two gentleman who look to be in their 60’s. Ah yes, the ole sugar daddy routine. Who’s your daddy? Well, these two guys are obviously. The girls came to Vegas with a few bucks and haven’t had to pay for a single thing yet. Honestly, they’re nothing to look at but I guess if you’re 60 years old and any female who comes up to you and doesn’t require the wearing of boob suspenders, it’s a blessing from above. The girls are really getting into their role. A little shimmy here, a little bump there, the casual rub of the arm and they are gambling all night long.
Now here’s what really gets me laughing. Both the guys and girls are interviewed separately. The girls are all about having a good time and readily admit to using their sexuality to gain benefits, but they have no desire to get intimate with the men. The men on the other hand, are convinced they are going to score. They have been gambling with the girls for eight hours and their intuition tells them the girls are “in to them”. And you know what? My money’s on the men. Sure the girls will never admit to hooking up with gramps…in front of the camera. That is, until the two couples go strolling off to the rooms. That’s right! Who is your dadd-ay!
Wedding Bell Blues And A Broken Heart
Derek and Donna met at a bar in Kackalackee, Oklahoma and had planned to elope. *sigh-that’s so romantic* When news of their intended trip to Vegas got out, the family wouldn’t have none of it. So, the Wagon Queen Family Truckster was loaded up and a once anticipated quiet weekend spent in the champagne shaped hot tub instead turned into nosey in-laws and Aunt Shirley’s ambrosia concoction.
Because of the sudden influx of guests, they had to stay at another hotel, once that could accommodate drunken siblings, shotgun’s going off in the middle of the night and so forth. However, Dawn and Derek had dreamed of a Caesars wedding and thus the mayhem begins. Before the ceremony can begin, the minister has to sign the marriage license. Oopsy-daisey, there’s no marriage license. Cassaundra, the wedding planner, is staying calm but is obviously irked. She knew something like this would happen. When Dawn realizes that the marriage license wasn’t there, she freaks out. I mean, f-r-e-a-k-s out! I would too if I was her. One of the groomsman runs back to the other hotel to find it. Cassaundra evil-y smiles and tells us that she may have to cancel the wedding if they don’t get the marriage license in time. I think she secretly wants to cancel it and I secretly hope she does.
Alas, after much suspense, the groomsman returns with the license just in the nick of time. Laughter ensues, hugs are abundant and with a yee-haw, the wedding begins.
Now, I have to admit I was tempted to end my recap there. But, remaining true to my Oath of Reality TV Recapperness, I must tell the story of Karen.
You see, if it’s one thing I can’t watch, it’s rejection. I’m not talking about twenty-something coeds hooking up and breaking up, or even leading on dirty old men. No, I’m talking about the worst kind of rejection of all…marriage proposal rejection in front of cameras. Because you just know the rejectee was sitting at home last night, watching this episode feeling like a complete idiot for even proposing in the first place, let alone in front of camera’s. Here’s the twist. This time it is a woman proposing to the man instead.
Karen is a 55 year old dame who has been dating Mark for a little while now. Mark is 47 and she has had some thoughts about where his heart was (read: she’s getting paranoid). There’s no better way to test a relationship than by going to Vegas and pampering your sweetheart and buttering him up. Then when he’s good and ready (read: drunk and full), you fling it on him. Sounds like a plan Karen. Heck, I’d fall for it.
Karen plans a day of pampering for Mark. While Mark heads off to the men’s salon, Karen arranges a quiet table for two alone in the dinning room. She has flowers arranged, the finest bottle of wine chilled and even gets her hair frosted. It’s going to be a romantic night.
Now, I’m no Dr. Phil, but even I can see that he’s not digging her the way she digs him. He sees their relationship as one of convenience, perhaps a romp in the hay once or twice a week without the hassle of commitment. Karen sees it as a rebirth, a chance to love again and feel complete. Call me old fashioned, but there’s a reason why the guy asks the girl to get married, not the other way around…it’s to avoid uncomfortable situations such as what’s about to come. My stomach is already starting to twist into knots as I know what’s coming.
Karen asks Mark if he knew the reason why people come to Vegas. *oh god, here it comes* Mark knows it’s coming as well and he stops eating and starts looking for the exit. She asks him again. Mark mumbles something about people getting married. Karen is ready to pop the big question and joyous tears begin to well up in her eyes. Karen clears her throat and professes her love for him and asks him to marry him. Mark just simply says, “You’re asking me to marry you?” And just like that, he’s vapors. Poof. Gone. Karen is left at the table by herself sobbing, weeping, make-up turning into a pile of putty. I’m even dabbing my eyes and feel sorry and embarrassed for her.
So what lessons did we learn tonight?
1) staple gun your poker chips to your belly so that no matter how horny you are, you don’t give them away to giggling girls.
2) if you’re getting married at Caesars, you best be staying at Caesars as well.
3) if you’re over 45 and some nubile nymph suddenly thinks you’re totally funny and cute, she’s after your money
4) never have your marriage proposal videotaped for a reality show.
5) Kara Luden is the hottest wedding coordinator in Vegas.
6) FORTcon II is going to be oh-so delicious!
I guess the old saying “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas” should be amended with “unless there are cameras following you.”
Ever been to Vegas? Email me your wildest story at: Speedbump@fansofrealitytv.com