Dressing up like an anatomically correct, fur covered, humanoid chipmunk isn’t just for the average, fringe Xena fan anymore. No. Apparently pop stars have now taken the plunge into this bizarre, completely jacked up world of erotica, where a love of stuffed animals and theme parks is taken far too far, and the connective world of the internet makes freakazoids feel wrongfully accepted. This week, on the finale of this fine, fine, high-brow show, Britney reveals her love of this world. Is this paragraph a lie? Is Britney really just an average, immature, slightly dull girl with mind-numbingly boring home videos? Is she, or is she not, a lover of explicit stuffed animal images? We know not. What we do know: There is nothing exciting or interesting or EVEN cheap and gimmicky on this show. But truth be told, this recap could have been written on the back of a Burger King napkin (don’t think I didn’t think about it), without much lost in the way of informative insight. And I had to do something to pull in those 7 extra hits before this forum joyously (yayyyyyyyyyyyyy!) sinks to the oblivion of purgatory.
Up next: Have you ever been to a wedding before? My guess is: yes. Then you’ve basically already witnessed the entirety of this recap. You know the drill. A little crying, a few drunken speeches, and a little bit of impromptu, drunken karaoke, where your uncle/cousin/family friend gets up to belt out a warbly and off-key rendition of Copa Cabana, complete with disturbing little shimmies and shoulder rolls. Just like Manilow would have done. <--Destiny, fulfilled. *bows*
Up first: In a rare break from talk of fear of love or love of leg-humps, Britney and Kevin discuss the wedding plans that went awry. Apparently they were planning this YUGE wedding in Santa Barbara that was thwarted when the paparazzi found out and crushed Britney's little cotton candy dreams. Utterly devastated, her assistant Felicia made the suggestion that would change....their...lives! *lightning* <---echo/hype. She suggests, yo, why not have an itty bitty soiree instead? So wham, B&K say yes, and before you know it, chippity chop, the guest list is at 30. And that’s just the body guards. Alternate joke: And that’s just Kevin’s illegitimate children. *insert your own canned laughter here and a well timed, muted horn “wah wah wahhhhhh”* <---sadly, this could accompany entire recap. *sigh*
Help me. Please help me.
In order to avoid a repeat of the papparazzi frenzy surrounding the first wedding plan, they decide to pull of the uber surprise extraordinaire: A soiree, disguised as an engagement party.....that’s in fact….….*drum roll*…..the wedding itself! *gasp* No way! Way. Off they go, hiring a mother and daughter bridal consultant team who offer up their average looking suburban split level for the shenanigans.
Soon we flash on the the wedding locale. Everything suburbia about the little, non-descript shanty has been disguised and cloaked with miles of white curtain, bushy, overflowing rose bundles, and white candles everywhere. The backyard sports trees dripping with twinkle lights and more floral garlands of varying shades of deep raspberry, little tables with tee lights completeing the picturesque scene. In short: It’s gawgeous, and exactly what you’d expect to get with large wads of pop-hit cash. Honestly, the view is the one bit of relief my peepers have had during the series, as I’m typically covering them with a pillow or watching it all through a blurred, drunken, haze. (Kidding) No I’m not. Britney is pleased, and apparently the house is so full-up with flowers, the smell greets visitors like a punch in the face. A happy punch.
Get Ready for a Surprise!
First to be smell-punched, are Britney's friends, as we begin to see guests arrive one by one in the ho ho-like center of the party (i.e. ho-ho-like center = white and creamy). All look around, agape at the insanely expensive splendor and wonder, “wazzup, shiznits?” (Because I picture them all with a Federlane accent.) Well, “wazzup” is that they’re about to be blown away by a surprise wedding! He he he! *giggles* Yes. Each t-shirt adorned party reveler gets an invite jammed in their face the moment they arrive, announcing that they’re not, in fact, there to celebrate an engagement or snort lines of coke at a local club right away. No. Instead, all are there to participate in the sharing o' the vows of the couple with the then-current shelf-life of a Dannon Yogurt Smoothie (i.e.: short. Dang, if you don't eat those things in like, a day, you're screwed. And your yogurt budget? *poof* down the drain.) The guests giggle, guffaw, and look genuinely giddy. They know they’re getting free wine. Kevin does his part to welcome the revelers by greeting everyone in a wife beater t-shirt with pit stains, an enormous tumbler of wine in one hand, held as delicately as a beer stein. It’s lovely.
When Britney’s momma arrives, she reads the invite several times over before looking up at Kevin, tears (of disappointment) in her eyes. Britney says her mom was dumbfounded and had no idea what to say, especially because it wasn’t a huge traditional wedding, something le momma expected.
Cousin Laura Lynn, maid of honor, tells us she's extremely pleased with Kevin's treatment of Britney, which apparently is all lovey and kind until Britney needs an ass punching, which he apparently knows how to deliver. (Ass punching = put her in her place, ala Duce Bigalow, male gigalo.) Kevin’s buddies also arrive all give each other the “man hug”, i.e. opposing shoulders popped together, genitals “safely” keeping their distance.
Playing genital keep-away with Kevin: Jimmy, best bud from way back, and Eddie Mouralis, friend/dancer who hired him for the Pink tour.
Britney says it was hilarious to see everyone acting like they’re on an episode of Punk’d. And looking as unhappy as a regular Punk’d playah, is Britney’s dad, who at first appears not to even have read the invite clearly, as Kevin waits and waits for the congrats from him that never comes. (*snort* Yeah, I'm sure the lack of congrats is because he didn't read the invitation. *snort*) But Britney's dad finally does indeed read the invitation, and in true I’ve-been-screwed-by-Ashton-but-not-in-the-good-Demi-way fashion, his face falls. On the interview couch, Britney cries with Kevin.
Gettin' Smacked Up with a Pretty Stick
Next up, the hustle and bustle of wedding prep. All Britney’s girlfriends are giggling and crying, and Britney gives her mom the first glimpse of her “hot momma” dress, a black sleeveless number with lacy cut outs. Everyone freaks that the fitting they attended just a few days before was actually in prep for this moment, vs. several weeks away.
Lucky for me, up next is a montage of gussyin-up footage. Woo hoo! Let's burn those minutes! Burn, babies, BURN! Britney gets coiffed, Kevin gets squeegeed, (he should do this EVERY day), and music plays overhead. Everybody’s atwitter with excitement while the men wait downstairs and the women prep upstairs. Felicia, Britney’s assistant, keeps interjecting about how this was the best kept secret in all the land. Everyone giggles and says they had as much fun getting ready for the wedding, drinking champagne and putting on fresh shellac, as they did during the wedding itself.
Pre-ceremony, Kevin tells us he's all nervous and freaky, perhaps that's just because he's putting on the biggest, blingin' watch I have EVER seen. The size of a plump chicken breast, his diamond encrusted bling bling casts dancing, disco lights all around him, including on the face of Britney's dad, whose sad-puppy face is highlighted by the dots of light that fictitiously land on it.
Quickie flash to footage of varying, extremely dull, reactions: Kevin’s friends say he’s got a big heart, and we see that even Britney’s brother makes up the list of groomsmen. Felicia, Britney’s assistant, says it didn’t hit Britney how emotional it would all be until she saw her dad standing at the bottom of the stairs. Kevin thought she might run ala Julia Roberts, but when he saw her walking down the aisle with her dad, he just lost it.
As No Audio is Included, Please Imagine Vows in the Voice of Elmer Fudd. "I take youuu by be my wawfuwwy wedded wife. I will wuv and wesssspect youuu.." <---desperate bid for entertainment
Ahhh…time for the ceremony itself. OMG I’m excited! This thing is almost over! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyy! *does jig, with Elaine Bennis-like kick at the end* Britney walks down the aisle with depressed dad, while she flashes us her pearlies, and Kevin visibly gulps 3,000 times. The vows occur with no audio, just a Cure song pummeling overhead while they gaze into each other's eyes, allowing us to imagine whatever the heck we want. I choose to picture the Fudd vows referenced above, and/or try to fathom Britney saying anything poignant. Nothing comes. So instead, I think of ho hos (again/always/forever. You can't escape! Buwahahaha!) Eventually the passionate wedding kiss occurs, where the couple uses "wedding tongue" vs. "porno tongue". <---shout out to The Wedding Singer. All cheer, and Kevin tells us that other than that really sweet hit of Mary Jane a few hours before, it was the most intense feeling he has ever had in his life.
Blah de blah blah blah, typical wedding stuff. Kevin thinks she looked angellic and is uber proud to be her hubby. And/or "the hubbster", as I like to call him. All say that Kevin appeared sincere, and best friend Laura Lynn says she was overjoyed to be part of the wedding they'd been talking about since they were wee and Britney was less of a ho (friend does not say ho line). His friends say, wow, dude was totally into it. In the now, Britney and Kevin tear up with joyful giddiness.
The Ho Down with some Hos
Up next is the post wedding party, and/or the portion of the night where Britney shows off her ho-like wedding party dress, outfit number two in the long day of costume changes. The dress, for the four of you actually reading this sentence and giving a hoot: a short little white number that barely covers her ass. Kevin, obviously, loves it, her dad, notsomuch. Soon britney tosses the bouquet, her assistant Felicia tackling it like a football, giggling in merriment while we spend five minutes of footage talking about it. "She totally dove for it!" "I know! She totally did!" "She's been in tons of weddings!" "She carried it like a football!" <---sucks up about 8 minutes. And as the rest of this show follows this typical, boring, standard format, feel free to play any images you want in your head at this time: i.e. Def Leppard videos, old movie clips, and/or the last time you ended up in a fight with a mime.........
Blah blah, more wedding dullness. Kevin takes off her garter with his teeth, talking about his mad skilz in the garter-bitin' world. Apparently, long ago, Kevin saw an uncle totally jack it up and destroy the pivotal garter moment. Not wanting to make that mistake, Kevin practiced and practiced until he done it but right! Personally, I've always found this to be a fine little ritual, but slightly weird and inappropriate in front of one's extended family and geriatric relatives. I mean, in this example, Kevin's kissin' up her leg in typical groom fashion, and I'm just thinkin, man, you do not need your 84 year-old uncle Philbert (yes, Philbert, I have an uncle Philbert, you wanna piece of me? *punches air*) watching you come wayyy too close to miming any kind of sex scene. (More exciting than miming that whole, "trapped in a box" thing, though.)
Next up, the speeches, which are pointless, as we never see them. Apparently the maid of honor, Laura Lynn, yammered on about how she felt Kevin was different right off the bat. Kevin tells us the speech got him right in his tender ticker, unlike the speech of his best man, whom he said, “sucked”. Yes, apparently expecting to have weeks to complete said sentimental offering, Jimmy ends up winging it, and winging it poorly. We see none of this.
Guess what happens next? Guess? They like, feed each other cake, and…and…and…like….they smash it in each other’s faces! He he he! *giggles into palm* So it’s like, completely different than every other wedding video you’ve EVER seen IN…your….LIFE. The cake is beautiful to Britney, whom rejoices about it’s vanilla tastiness. In the land of wedding cakes, it is very wedding cakey. To those foolishly keeping score of details: it’s a marzipan covered confection, with little white flowers and squiggles all over the smooth, creamy exterior. Mmmm….marzipanny!
Up next, more costume changes. Suddenly, for no reason that I can see, all the men dress up in their “pimp outfits”. What’s a pimp outfit? Apparently, an all white, shiny jumpsuit with “pimp” inscribed on the back, Kevin’s outfit saying, “THE Pimp.” Um….yeah. The girls also change. They sport pink track suits with “the maids” on the back, Britney in a white track suit with “Mrs. Federline” on the back. According to Kevin, they both wanted to do something a little different, and decided that clubbin', post-wedding, in strange, oddly matching, nearly-bowling-like attire, would be the way to commemorate their love. (I know that when the time comes, bowling attire is so going to commemorate MY love. Oh yes it is.) Britney's mom also participates in the shennanigans, sporting a track suit with "hot momma" on the back. Heading into the night, all wedding footage finally comes to a close. Yayy!
And They Lived Happily Ever After *cue singing cartoon birds*
In the now, Kevin and Britney talk about how they’re happily married and growing together spiritually and emotionally, footage of them hanging over a balcony spliced over their words, Britney rubbing her rotund, pregnant belly meaningfully. Britney says it may sound cheesy, but she loves sharing her life with someone, and feels like a completely different person for the better. She says love really does create miracles, and both kiss while the setting sun blazes behind them. Annnnd we’re done!
Okay, no we’re not. Damnit. Still up, the video shoot for Britney’s World Premiere Video, and footage of an old video shoot where Britney talks about her ideal guy in an echo-y voice, somehow cluing us in to the fact that she “knew” Kevin was on his corn-rowed way to her side. Britney tells us the more you throw out into the universe, the more goodness the universe boomerangs back to you. We see her prepping for filmage of her new song, “Someday,” a song about pregnancy that she wrote in what she calls a "prophecy", having completed it two weeks prior to finding out she was pregnant.
Kevin says when he first heard the song, he like, went allll crayzay and his emotions were whack and sensitive. Britney says she just spoke from her heart and said what she felt. Awww. Kevin hopes that one day when the baby hears the song, he/she just loves it fat chance. Britney hopes people will be inspired by womanhood upon the first listen.
Last up, the World Premiere of her Video, “Someday”. Mini-recap: It opens with a black and white sea, the lyrics discussing how nothing is the way it used to be. Something about somebody watching over her, something about God, and massive shots of her bare, swollen feet while she washes her hands in a sink over and over again, oddly promoting OCD. Blah de blah, she’s laying down, she’s pressed against glass at one point, and someday hopes that the baby understands something. <---yeah, this is gold.
The show (omg yessssssssssssssss!) finally ends with Kevin, alone, on a couch, spilling his guts to us. He says Britney doesn’t know what he’s about to do, but loves her so ding dang much that he wanted to give something back to her, a little documentary of his love for his wife. His gift: spliced footage of all the images we’ve already seen across this long, long, wayyyy too long series, all played over the lovely song, “So Into You” by Fabulous and Tamia. Britney gyrates, she dances, she slides on dining room tables, and thankfully, no nostril shots.
Lastly, Kevin looks at the camera and begins to weep, telling his "baby" that she means so much to him. He says he loves her and would do anything for her. She’s his angel and everything he’s ever wanted in life, in a person, and in an anatomically correct, humanoid chipmunk. (Ha! Snuck that back in.) Her soul is caring, she’s a giving person, and apparently you just don’t see that every day. He loves how she knows how to turn things around for her own happiness, and in turn, does that for others and for the world, making everyone happy. He then tells us that he shares her with all of us, man, and loves her more than anything. *weeps openly*
And…the show…is over! Yayyyyyy!! *tosses confetti, runs naked with streamers* <---don’t think I won't
Future note: no one should be allowed to film their own reality show. NO ONE. The end.
Busily filming "The Shazzer Show". firstname.lastname@example.org