If you had your choice, would you like to be attacked by:
A. Solid Gold Dancers
B. Ninja vampire goats
C. A board...with a nail in it
D. Rodeo clowns
E. Rabid weasels
F. Nightmares from recapping Britney and Kevin
Warning: do not choose F. It will kill you. Maybe not physically. But yes, something in you WILL die.
Much to my delight, we're finally on the second to last bit o’ torture, my babies! Weeeeeeeeeee! <---squeal of glee (audible. Click here. Ah ha ha, I'm just messin' with ya). Anyhow, as promised, this episode has much the same zip and zest of any of the previous episodes. <----and yes, I tried to think of a zippy metaphor to showcase how much the last episodes have sucked, i.e. “It sucked as much as a….It sucked as much as a….it has as much zest as a.....eh….I ain’t got it in me.” “eeeee” <---sound of inspiration, leaving my body. *poof* And there it goes.
Disclaimer: no promise of eloquence, mirth, or joy in following recap. I know what you're thinking: since when have you been eloquent, Shazz? Ah ha ha ha ha! *smack* You hush it.
So, first up, it's Spain and more concert footage, which as you know, I adore. More concert footage = less show. Less show = cotton candy rainbows for Shazz. But I’ll start this show right off with some expectations: there ain’t not a whole lot goin’ on in this episode. For a mini-recap, here it is: they love each other, yet both are afraid. Very, very, afraid <---whispery scary-voice trying to ratchet up tension of tension-less show. Annnnd we’re done.
First piece of uselessness: Britney giggles and gyrates in front of the camera, giving us a mini-tour of the villa they’re staying in. Kevin narrates over the footage, saying something about a plan to leave at one point, but he'd caught on that something was an act. Yes it was this unclear. We don’t know what that "something" was, thanks to more crackhead editing. Also present is footage of Britney shaking a wet t-shirt (not as hot as it sounds. To me especially, as it’s never been hot. But then…..I don’t have a penis.) Anyhow, Britney dances, while she narrates and says “it really got old”. We don’t know what got old, but something got old. Then Britney says love is scary. Yeah. *sigh* This stuff practically writes itself, doesn't it? Ah ha ha ha ha ha *maniacal chuckling prior to sobbing*
Kevin tells us that he wasn’t going to tell her that he loved her until he knew how she felt about him. *sigh* Fwew, that took a lot out of me. Oooo...flashback! I remember acting this way in junior high. Ah, those mature, adult, good times. Not the Shazz of now, I can tell you. Do I keep my love for the man-hos hidden? Construction workers everywhere say: no. Anyhow, Kevin says he kept his mouth shut, but not his emotions. In more crackhead editing, we flash to footage of Britney and Kevin on a couch together in the now where Britney says, “and then you said it,” and without proper lead-in footage, I'm to guess this means the L-bomb. (Side note: who knew that English Speaking Americans would need subtitles and translators.) Soon we see footage of Britney smiling and dancing around on twin beds, while she tells us that they finally opened up to each other. She appears giddy and bouncy when she talks of how love can take down walls, man. I.e. essentially: “love can build a bridge” – wisdom of The Judds. And nobody but nobody has more wisdom to spread than the Judds.
Again, more hotel room footage, showcasing how much it must rule to be an enormously wealthy celebrity. The fact that they have the time and energy to film this sheer volume of nothingness is mind boggling. Note to self: get crackin' on your combo disco/country/East Indian chant album. Target market: teens. Because if there's one thing teens ask for more of: 1,000 year-old monastery chants. Back on camera, Britney talks about what she loves about their relationship. “We’re friends, and…and…and…and…we have good sex, and..we’re like, we’re like cute and cool.” Yeah, man. She says they’re not too serious and not too anything other than high on crank, they’re just fun.
This Section Filled with Secrets to Winning Millions! <---lies
On night cam, Britney says she’s all for girl power, but really just wants somebody to take care of her and/or scoop the oatmeal dribble off her chin when she gets old. (Note to all on mate selection: find yourself a feeder. Yep. Somebody who will spoon pea soup in your gullet when you’re so filled with dimentia you start referring to everyone as Al Roker. Including the women.) Anyhow, she wants to know if it sounds stupid. Kevin says no way, hot jose', it's probably the smartest thing she's said since she's been on tour. Sadly, this is accurate.
Over footage in another random hotel, this time in Barcelona, Kevin tells us that Britney just “does it” for him. He’s been looking for a chick like Brit for a long ass time, and he loves how fun, caring, loving and intimate she is. He says it’s important to find someone you can have fun with, and we see footage of Britney singing opera on the hotel balcony, puzzled and unimpressed onlookers below, squinting upwards thinking, "Where's that yodel-sqeak coming from??" She giggles, she’s giddy, and he’s totally impressed. Great. *clapping weakly*
Lastly, pre-commercial (hey, there are no natural breaks in this randomness, so commercial it is! Ahhh..the segue-less show! Brilliant!), anyhow, pre-commercial she asks him if he “wants some”. Get it? Get it? *nudges all of you* Yep, she’s talking about the hot buttered lovin’, sans butter. She semi-flashes her yabs (yabs = yabbos, just to change it up) and they begin passionately kissing on camera before fading to: *squeaky, squeaky* <----mattress sounds, again. Suddenly, we see hundreds of shots of fountains exploding. Coincidence? Hmmmm.
Britney acts like she's been “satisfied” when we see her in the same pre-coitus t-shirt, getting make-up ready for stage and singing her little heart out in glee, gyratin’ in that “I just had a piece of ass” way.
“Wow, it’s like I Overreact to EVERYthing!” – putting words in Britney’s mouth
Briney and Kevin are packed on their bus when they get a “scare” at the French/Spanish border. Britney’s freaked because her bus driver is getting “interrogated” by the border patrol. “Interrogated” here = “talked to casually”. In her eyes: they're going down in flames. She’s ehscared. The border patrol has dogs sniffin' up all their luggage and Britney takes that as her cue to leave a last message to “the world” . Because of it’s poignancy and lucidity, I include it here:
"I love you guys. This is it. I’m about to die. And they’re going to take me away for-ev-er” <----says this in little girl’s voice. “If anybody finds this tape, I just want to be remembered as a good person, that’s all.” She finishes by saying wow, that was kind of deep. Yes, yes it was. <---- more lies.
Kevin is pretty much chilled, thinking that this big freak out of hers is actually cute. Apparently, also cute, is the way she feels sorry for the border patrol for having a boring job. Boring because they have to *gasp* wear the SAME THING every day. Ahhhh! *screams* She's grateful that she gets to gussy up and get pretty every day. According to her, life without sequined spandex = hell. For once, I concur. *adjusts unitard*
Blah blah blah de blah de blah. Ugh. More yammering. And yammering. And yammering. This time on a bus instead of in a hotel room, so the setting provides a wee change-up, but overall it’s the same. She wants to know if he thinks about her when she’s on stage. Yes he does, and furthermore, he digs it when she wears his hats up there. He says it's like a piece of him up there with her. She says she always has a piece of him up there, even if she’s not wearing a hat. Awwww. *releases doves*
Time to mow. This recap. On yes, mow it is. Blah blah blah they become great friends and lovers due to their long bus rides and car trips. Somewhere in here Britney films Kevin while she's nekked, but we see nothing. While this occurs, there are slumbering blobs nearby, all men apparently. She doesn’t think they know, while Kevin thinks they probably do. Yep. Wow. *looks at watch* Is this over yet? Are we there yet? “Can we have a pool, dad? Canwehaveapool, dad?” – Lisa and Bart Simpson/Shazz.
Paris, France <---note the unenthusiastic sub-heading
In Paris, we get fountain footage of Britney forcing the driver to pull over so she can toss a penny and make a wish. They do, she does, and she said it came true. Annnd let’s move, people.
Also in here is hotel room footage (shocker!) where they showcase the big mirror over the bed and Kevin mimes humping her. Great.
Blah blah blah, more footage of them playing around, she picks flowers, he receives flowers, she loves him, he loves her, insert standard soulmate speech, annnnd we’re good.
The show ends with talk of the proposal. Apparently on a flight to New York to film a video, Britney gets schnockered on mimosas and finds the liquored-up courage to pop the question. Kevin says he felt bad, because he felt like he should be the man with the cajones and drop down on one knee. He does, she says yes, and the rest is crazy history. He was shocked, but knew they were headed in this direction anyway, so it’s all good and they both tell us they knew they wanted to spend the rest of their lives together. I’ll give them one thing: they both seem totally sincere. <---for once, not sarcasm.
Next week: Yes! The show is over! The one hour series finale concludes with a surprise wedding that shocks guests, including Britney's mother. *gasp* Noooo!
Washing down mimosas with Colt 45. firstname.lastname@example.org