Recap Episode 3 - 5/31: Fear, More Fear, and Brad Pitt's Ass
So you’re driving along the freeway like you often do....pretending you're in a video game. You mentally pop wheelies, hop the guard rail, and launch imaginary cruiser missiles at that guy eating fruit pies who can't lay off his $#%#ing brakes. Ah but it’s rush hour. And suddenly.....you hit a wall of traffic. You know the kind. It’s bright and sunny out, not even a droplet of white littering the sky and yet....traffic is slowing. "No," you laugh to yourself. "Surely this is a freak occurrence," you say comfortingly. But alas....no. Traffic slows...keeps slowing...and slowing....annnnnd "eeeeep".....you're parked. Parked right behind Mr. Fruit Pies and adjacent to teen-girl-on-cell-phone-half-in-your-lane. "What is going ON?" you mutter. And then, after four minutes of a 30 inch "launch" forward...."Mothah %##$@!!!!" You think, surely there is a ghastly accident ahead or something to explain the sudden standstill. After several miles, you see nothing. Nada. Zero. You even meander over the white line to peek down the long gap between lanes. Nope. Zip. Ah but soon, you are rewarded. You see the culprit up ahead. A smashed vehicle, mangled on the side of the road? A tanker overturned, it's oily residue leaking out over the road and into mother nature? A runaway cow, mooing it's way through cars, while people look on with that, "awww...moo to you TOO, you cute li'l heifer" look? No. It is merely an abandoned car with it's flashers on. No one inside. No gash or enormous dent or crumpled accordion look. Just....a '73 two-toned Pinto, inexplicably outfitted with mudflaps. "Mothah %##$@!!!!" you smack the steering wheel, enraged at the fact that such a large, large population of people all find a duct-taped rear window fascinating enough to hit the brakes and stare, transfixed by it's rusty, oddly-alluring appearance. Who are these people? And why do they care? Why are they watching??
And this is how I feel about the Britney show. It turns out that it's doing rather well (well = rough term, describing UPN shows only) Yes, the same people who slow traffic down when they see an errant plastic bag caught in a gust of wind ("Ooooo...floaty!") are keeping this mega-hit *snort* on the air. And hence, uncanceled. Well Mothah %##$@. The show goes on, and a word about the content of this episode: you'd have better luck with the plastic bag. It turns out the nostril shots WERE the highlights. *sigh* So, like a Sherpa, I must forge on.
As I look at my Tivo I'm thrilled to see that the first 4 minutes of my half hour prison sentence have been thankfully taken up by rehashed footage and commercials. This will likely be the best portion of this recap.
Now for the poo.
First up is a present to the Shazz! More Onyx tour footage! Suhweeet! Aww yeah, babies, more filler! I am delighted as I watch my Tivo timer zip to minute six and think, “only 1440 billion nanoseconds to go!” <----I count every one.
Up next is The Moment. The moment moment. The one for which the rest of this forgettable episode is based. Here it is: On camera, in the back of her big ass bus, Britney tells Kevin she loves him. Awww. She tells us that it was her way of getting her tender little heart out into the universe.
Annnd Kevin proceeds to poop on Britney’s love. After freeze framing her nervous, twitchy face, he says………..*drum roll*…..chirp…chirp…chirp <---(crickets) nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Um…”ehhh” <--buzzer sound. Duhude (<--language Kevin will get), you do not let an "I love you" hang out there. Especially from a crazy girl who would just as soon hump your leg as she would jam a bic pen in your throat, giving you an involuntary smoker's trach. "Helloooo *hack*" - Kevin, through wee smoker's hole, 24 hours later.
In classic 8th grade form, Britney notes the chirping nothingness boomeranging back at her, and decides to take it all back. "Um, when I said I love YOU, I really meant I love the DEW, as in MOUNTAIN Dew," she tries to recover. Actually, she says “I thought that’s the way I felt, but I don’t feel that way now.” She asserts that perhaps someday in the future she “might” feel that way, [subliminal message]: don’t hold your breath, Mr. Hollow Tin Chest.[/subliminal message].
Britney tells us she felt rejected and hideous, like the Elephant man, ‘cept not as hot. And what does she do when feeling elephanty? Girlfriend puts up her invisible fencing, and only those without a collar will remain small-electrical-shock free on their way through her protective wall.
"I could spin you like a plate" - Britney to all men.
Britney’s bitter. They’re soon in Dublin, land of leprechauns and other Irish cliche's like haggis and "green clooover" <---said in Lucky Charms voice. Kevin films her silently brooding and walking along to her next appt. All Kevin gets is a few wee yawns, and she tells us that she hates being vulnerable, and hated opening up like that. Side note: Britney is in current sassy attire of “the day”. Kicky jumpers? No. Zesty glittering concert garb? No. Sweats? Yes.
Soon it’s time for her to smoke it up. Her face contorts while Kevin films her and she demands to know what he thinks he’s doing. She lets her wrath unfurl from her gut by suddenly discussing about what a bad ass she is, and how she could kick any man’s ass. According to Britney, she's full up with aggression and wants to release it via punching some unsuspecting man-ho in the throat. She says all she needs is four minutes in the ring, and all would quiver in fear while she loved every, punchy moment. *pow, pow* <--punching/glee, while we see her boxing with a trainer. According to Brit, she has the white hot temper of the Hulk.
Next up, more concert footage. Which admittedly, I totally adore. Por que? Because it sucks up more time!! Woo hoo! *shimmies and shakes maracas* <--not those kind...sickos. Pffft.
We end this little sequence with Britney asking Kevin why she can’t let go. Let go of what? Justin? Kevin? The last eggo? I know not, as this show continues to be edited and put together by a crackhead. Read: Britney. (Okay, there is no evidence that she’s a crackhead. But hey, there’s also no evidence that she’s NOT a crackhead, eh? Hmm? Hmmm?) Kevin tells her that her fear of loving him makes HIM afraid to love HER. She's afraid because he's afraid, and he's afraid because she's afraid, and they're both afraid of the fear because they fear the fear. I think, "I see stupid people," <---whispery Haley Joel Osment voice.
"Brad Pitt: I want to be ON you," - Britney to Brad, in Will Ferrell/Anchorman voice. "You have a nice butt, I want to make friends with it."
A car ride in Vienna, Austria, seems to be the perfect place for Britney to reintroduce her hardly-ever-talked-about love o’ Brad Pitt. She asks some blobby-shadow in the front seat how he’d feel if his wife "hit it" with Brad if he knew that he could rub down Halley Berry. He says he's not interested. Kevin says he's not interested. Actually, all the men in the car say they wouldn't dig it. Britney thinks they're all liars, and salivates over the idea of a night with Brad. She insists that if Kevin or the security guards were sitting there with their buddies, they would all quickly agree to the mate swapping idea. "I'm acting like the guy in this car!" she says, scratching her imaginary balls. She says she likes to manipulate men and turn the tables on them, and acting like a guy accomplishes this. What this means, I have no idea. I just put pen (and/or fingers) to keyboard, babies.
Kevin says when he really cares about someone, he doesn’t want them running off to hump Brad Pitt's leg/other appendage. Instead of consoling Kevin, Britney answers with, ‘have you seen Brad in Fight Club? That is Brad ASS Pitt,” she says, giving him his new, catchier, middle name. (Side note: did you know that at the wax museum in London, that Brad’s butt is groped so often that they’ve replaced the hard wax with a squishable, ass-friendly prosthetic? And furthermore, the constant grabbing means they have to clean his ass every day? How I know this....I cannot say. *blush*) Anyhow, she says she isn’t married, so she has NO PROBLEM thinking of a Brad hump.
Blah blah blah more stuff on being “afraid to love” from both. He’s afraid, she’s afraid, they’re both quivering little chipmunks.
“I think I’ll take a 9 day nap,” - Shazz, after seeing this show.
At nighttime in Austia, Britney smokes a cig in the eerie green glow of the night cam, and seems irritated at Kevin for filming her, “what are you doing?” she asks angrily. Either Kevin doesn’t reply, or I just didn’t care enough to write it down. Good guess: “rolling a big doobie, baby.” She talks about how she wanted to believe the fairy tale. What fairy tale? The idea that you end up staying with the first person you git yer freak on with. “But that didn’t happen,” she says with cold, dead, sad eyes. She said she felt like she was living in a movie and realized that this is her life now. “I don’t believe in fairytales anymore,” she says lonesomely, staring off into the distance. Poor Britney is obviously still hurt over the JT loss. <---record breaking show of feeling slightly sorry for Britney.
Also up: mistrust of the way they met. Britney thinks the whole thing seems staged just because they were introduced by dancers, and everyone knows dancers luuuv the chicanery. Kevin says no way, baby cakes, it was all fate, and we were meant to bump uglies in the way of the wild! *blows conch shell* He believes there were many signs along the way, proving it was all fate. Britney insists she's around too many people all day long to trust people completely, and she’s developed a little clam shell around her innards, always attempting to pick on people's vibes to see if they're acting real or not. She keeps asking him to promise her it’s not a hook-up, because it seems too good to be true. He promises her, angels dance, and skittles come raining from the sky.
I'm Not a Girl
Not Yet a Woman
Much of this show is spent on listening to Britney blather while she gets her polyurethane coating, pre-performance. It gives her more one on one time with us, to bore us to tears and/or clear up Britney misconceptions. Tonight, she lets us know she’s hoppin’ mad that she was America’s sweetheart and people never allowed her to crossover to the big ho she's always wanted to be. News to Britney: crossover = successful. She says parents probably don’t like it, but it's time they talked to the hand and stopped judgin' on her.
Last up, a fight that appears to be so…anticlimactic. I mean, at least give us something to work with man! Give me a chair fight! Somebody break a bottle and lunge! Lunge and poke! Lunge and poke! Just give me something, man! A scrap! I’ll take what ye got! <---pleading in manner of addict beggin’ for a dime bag. But alas, no. We are not rewarded with another Ziploc bag full of the candy. Instead, Britney refers to some vague night they went out where Kevin became upset with her for “partying too much”. She didn’t like his control freak ways.
The shows finishes with a bunch of inexplicable, unexplained footage of Britney, angrily blurting edited phrases while her mouth is jammed with food. We only hear broken snippets while Kevin and Britney narrate in the now, explaining that Kevin packed up to leave at one point, causing Britney to beg him to stay. She hugs him, and the show ends...um...there. Yep. The end. Bravo on the production! *claps hands*
Next week: A long flight we never see footage of, where "things" occur. <---this...will...WOW you. I promise! <---idle promise.
Off to the wax museum *flexes fingers*. email@example.com[/QUOTE]