+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: Recap 5/24: More Vacuous than an Empty Bong

  1. #1
    eternal optimist Shazzer's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2003
    Location
    greener pastures
    Age
    43
    Posts
    3,039

    Recap 5/24: More Vacuous than an Empty Bong

    If this show was a hot dog, it would be 5% beef and 95% pig lips and raccoon hoof. (I hope you’re not eating while you read this. If so….please comfort self by believing that all hot dogs are made from the finest, pure, Grade A beef, farmed from cows that dance upon golden meadows of swaying grains. Btw, this reminds me: I saw a food brand here called…..get this….*drum roll*…..Boar’s Head. Yep. As in Boar’s Head Cheese and Boar’s Head Condiments etc. Ummm…ecsqueeze me? Why are they giving their FOOD COMPANY such a crappy brand name? I couldn’t think of anything less appetizing. Well, maybe. “Here at Racoon Hoof Chocolates….we’ve come up with a delightful selection of piquant bon bons to bless even the fussiest, raccoon lover in the bunch.” )

    Side note: Do raccoons have hooves? I don’t feel like looking it up. Thanks. Britney and Kevin sucked away my energy, along with my will to self-edit, breathe, and wash myself with a rag on a stick. <--homage to Simpsons.

    *sigh* Let us begin.

    The show starts with more Onyx tour footage (which I’ve come to find, they’re using to beef up the lack of content, hoping that the twirling stage lights and occasional ass-wiggling shot will distract us from the crappy content. This doesn’t work. Because while most of us, (and by most of us, I mean me) can be easily distracted by shiny objects, for the rest of us, forgetting crappiness would take something far brighter than a stage light. Like a supernova.)

    Apparently this is the first time Kevin sees Britney’s show, and she’s apparently rather twitterpatious about it. I.e. nervous. Kevin doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand how someone can perform in front of millions and still be a shakey little chipmunk about just one guy watching her. Post-performance, she tells him that she doesn’t want any opinions, and that he can “talk to the hand” if he does. Oh….so…boring…it’s…painful! *struggles/sweats* I

    Next up: 7-year-old Boy Scout camp tricks. Yep. In a similar, flashlight-in-your-yapper way, Britney turns the night vision on herself and Kevin, giggling about how vampire-like they look. *squeal* <-----I would have edited this unimportant bit out, but sadly, this IS the content of the show. Read it and weep, my babies. *holds all of you in group hug*

    Copenhagen, oh yah, fer sure *clicks clogs*

    In Copenhagen, Denmark, little Brit Brit gets a mime-thick coating of make-up splattered over her face while she discusses her fond happy-vibes for Kevin. She thinks he’s nice and cute and a great kisser and cool and she never thought she’d like anybody ever again! Yay! <--her glee.

    In the land of clogs, we see Kevin trying to vex Mo, the enormous sta-puft marshmallow security guard who dislikes Kevin on sight. Kevin starts to control the camera more and more, and we see him taunting Mo by filming him and asserting he really isn't filming him. Mo don’t play that game. He insists Kevin shut the *bleeping* thing off, while Kevin insists it IS off. What a crafty little game.

    Britney and her peeps explain that the security guards had it in for Kevin from the get go, thinking him a greasy little lemur. Apparently, the first time Mo saw Kevin, he thought he looked like a shifty punk capable of hurting Britney. Kevin and Britney detail this tumultuous time in the wee dawn of their relationship while sitting on a couch together in “the now”. Kevin says he knows that the security guards would relay Kevin info. back to Britney’s mom because Britney’s mom always wanted to know the scoop on Kevin. As Kevin tells us this, Britney rolls her eyes and makes faces like a little girl as if this is all…so…horrible! *shrieks*

    Back in the land of “back then”, we see Kevin slapping Mo under his chin “for fun”. Um, I don’t know what kind of crack rainbow you’re on, Kevin, but in most people’s world, smacking a 350 pound man around guarantees your future as a human balloon animal. *smack* “Take that!” says Kevin. *squeaky squeaky sqeaky* *poof* Kevin is now a llama. (Yes, I said llama in the last recap. I've got no material here, peeps, so if I have to pull in a llama, I'm pulling in a llama.) Kevin continues to taunt fate and smack Mo until Mo pins him to the floor by his neck. It looks fun.

    Eventually we get more hotel room shots and some little joke from Kevin about drinking gasoline (surprised, I would not be, as he has that, “I’ll eat anything!” Mikey cereal look. “Here, Kevin, eat this wine cork.” Kevin: “Mmm….coooorky.” *giggles*) Soon they’re ready for a night of clubbin’. You’d think even one solid 60 second period here would be full up with interesting gold. You are wrong. *holds self, rocks back and forth* Instead, what we get…………..is a discussion on farting. *sigh* Apparently they’re all trapped in the car post-club-hopping, and somebody releases some gas. (<---this always sounds strange, i.e. “releasing gas”, as if you’re releasing an animal from captivity. Is it similar? I know not.) Curse Britney for making me recap flatulence. UGH.

    Somehow, the producers decide to overlap the fart footage with Mo talking about how Kevin and Britney share the same sense of humor and just seem made for each other. Ahh yes, the fart joke: the wing nut in any healthy pair bond. Mo now likes Kevin, thinks he’s down to earth, and refrains from twirling Kevin like a twist cone.

    Kevin on Kevin, and the Magic of the Kiss

    It’s time to take a peek into Kevin’s little ticker. “What makes Kevin work” - a pbs/upn series. Who IS the Kevin inside the Kevin inside the Kevin? <----like Russian nesting dolls. With corn rows. Kevin tells us about Fresno, land of dream crushing, where at the wee, freckle faced age of 8 *cue freckle faced Kevin pics* his parents split. After that, things took a *fwoosh* dive down the toilet. He migrated with his mom to Nevada where he apparently made her life a living hell. “I was a pretty rotten dirtball of a kid” he asserts/says. He ends up moving away from mom to live with his father, only to swiftly move into a one bedroom apartment with six other “dancers” at the age of 18. Soon thereafter, he got his first dancing gig with LFO where he apparently first met Britney, “but nothing really sank in yet,” says he, because he just wanted to DANCE! Dance like the wind. *suddenly begins to Riverdance* <---desperate measure to liven up boring show. So, Kevin came, he danced, and said he just “knew” that he was supposed to be in LA for a reason, but never knew what it was.

    Next up: Kissy talk. Britney talks about kissin’ magic and how they have it, big time, while we watch them suck face in the eerie green night vision light of her camera. Kevin breaks for air to tell us she kisses great, and that he likes balloons. <-----never utters balloon comment. But man, I’m bored.

    Soon it’s time to be reminded of Britney’s psychic abilities. It’s May, 2004, and Britney reacts to sudden live news that Brad and Jen have split! She sounds drunk when she entertains the notion that Brad could be thinking of her. Kevin no likey. He says he’s worried she’ll leave him for Brad. She says no way, little corn rowed Jose, Brad is a dream, and you are the real, greasy reality! Who would give up your luscious, li’l bong sucking look for Brad? Hmmm? No way, buttercup, le Brad is a dream! A tasty, tasty, dream. Kevin points out that she’s made all her dreams come true, and Britney reasserts that Brad wouldn’t look her way even if she were set on fire and launched into space.

    Zurich, Switzerland<---sucked dry of segment ideas

    Yayyyy! We’re near the end we’re near the end! He he he! *giggles ala Pillsbury doughboy* We’re in Zurich, Switzerland where two things take place: horseplay, and a big and scary plane trip. And we’re done! Ha! <--really wanting to end this here. *sigh*

    First up: horseplay. Kevin incites Britney to slide across their hotel dining room table on her stomach. She does, while giggling and laughing and eventually doing a hand stand, a hand stand that makes Kevin verbalize his “oh” face. “oh, oh, oh, look at that ass,” he says, in manner of Rob Sneider’s orgasm guy.

    The last bit of footage on this thankfully 23-minute-show (yes, I was counting) is all about Britney’s fear of flying. On a plane to somewhere, Britney freaks out and shivers while everyone else relaxes and teases her. Apparently, on a flight to Sweden many years ago, she just dropped out of the sky, and not in a good, superman kind of way. Ever since then, she’s been a bad flyer. While everyone else goofs off, Britney tells us that the teasing pisses her off.

    Crap it’s not over yet. I forgot to add the little bit about Amersterdam and luuuuv. We see a bit of a sex simulatin’ on her concert tour, where she bounces on a bed with a stranger, bopped to a jazzy Brit song I’ve never even heard before. We also get a few, depressing flashes of the sex shops in Amsterdam, followed by kissing, more kissing, and Kevin’s questions about love.

    Kevin says that they both hide behind cameras in order to get to know each other better, and subsequently turns the camera on Britney to ask her how she feels, trying to coax an answer out of her that way. "I feel great," she says sagely. "Why do you feel great?" Kevin wants to know. "Because sex feels great," says she. Kevin wants to know that he's more than just man meat, and wants to know what ELSE she's thinking. Britney looks very uncomfy with the question and tells us that she's somehow only able to be intimate when there's a camera around. One on one? Too uncomfy for her. She finally defines love by saying that love is respect, love is commitment, love is honesty, and love is trust. Love is not just love, love is all those combined into a tasty little emotionally fulfilling sandwich. Kevin tells us that she was uber close to telling him how she felt, but kept getting scared. On camera, he asks her what scares her. She says nothing does. She adds: her own love doesn't sare her, it's other people's love that scares her.

    Note: please know that nothing above is meant to make sense, be clear, or incite any kind of enthusiasm. So right now, if you're feeling empty and confused, you're riiiiight about where you should be. And if you've actually made it through to this sentence, you are a patient, noble, giving human being. Thank you. *gong*

    Next week: Kevin gets Britney to say she loves him and then procedes to be an ass by not saying it back. Also up for grabs: more footage of nothing.

    Recapping randomness. shazzer@fansofrealitytv.com
    "If you're like me, you have a 'been there, done that' attitude when it comes to paleolithic paleontology." - Jon Stewart

    "I swear, you are the ho-ho ho." - OTS

  2. #2
    FORT Newbie my_baby's_babe's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Los Angeles
    Posts
    20
    Gawd, that was an awesome recap, Shazzer! I was watching the plane part and I almost gagged.

  3. #3
    Evil Slash Crazy Miss Filangi's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2002
    Location
    Looking for a place to happen
    Age
    40
    Posts
    11,376
    Back in the land of “back then”, we see Kevin slapping Mo under his chin “for fun”. Um, I don’t know what kind of crack rainbow you’re on, Kevin, but in most people’s world, smacking a 350 pound man around guarantees your future as a human balloon animal.


    Great job with such utter crap.
    If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker.
    It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance.


  4. #4
    Resident curmudgeon Newfherder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2004
    Location
    Enchanted by a beautiful Soprano
    Posts
    3,163
    No traces of raccoon hooves in THIS recap--it's 100% UDSA Prime
    "The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination."
    --Marion Zimmer Bradley

  5. #5
    Dreamer rt1ky's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2004
    Location
    Trying to free myself from the snarkside.
    Posts
    3,153
    Shazzer,
    If Britney and Kevin hired you as a producer, I'd watch, a lot more people would watch. Maybe you could work on the DVD version with MORE, unreleased home video footage.

  6. #6
    would rather be cruising! marybethp's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Age
    45
    Posts
    4,916
    Shazz - I'm sorry you have to recap this crap! Thankfully you're still A1 in my book!

    (and PS....Boar's Head is the only deli meat I will eat - it's so well known here, nobody even questions the stupid name!)

  7. #7
    Courtesy and Goodwill Mantenna's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Age
    28
    Posts
    8,504
    Shazzy! Only you could turn such utter drivel into such a hilarious recap laugh-fest. Seriously, I loved this! You're so funny . . . keep up the great work, amiga. You really are absolutely brilliant.

    Come on, come on, come on!

    I finally had to whittle the quotes down to my two favorites:

    Quote Originally Posted by Shazz
    Um, I don’t know what kind of crack rainbow you’re on, Kevin, but in most people’s world, smacking a 350 pound man around guarantees your future as a human balloon animal. *smack* “Take that!” says Kevin. *squeaky squeaky sqeaky* *poof* Kevin is now a llama.

    She says no way, little corn rowed Jose, Brad is a dream, and you are the real, greasy reality!

  8. #8
    Starbucks is your friend Bill's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2002
    Location
    Orygun
    Posts
    12,166
    mmmm... raccoon hooves! Yummy!

    I had probably the lowest possible expectations for this show, but being the real go getting she is, Brit somehow found a way to go even lower.

    Thank gosh you were there to capture the moment so brilliantly Shazz!
    "George Oscar Bluth II, aka GOB, featured magician in the best selling videotape, "Girls With Low Self Esteem" invites you to enter his world.
    -- Arrested Development, Season III

  9. #9
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2003
    Location
    salt lake city ut
    Age
    43
    Posts
    19,119
    Quote Originally Posted by Shazzer
    “I was a pretty rotten dirtball of a kid” he asserts/says.
    Not much seems to have changed, has it?

    Thanks for the great recap, Shazzer. Now I don't have to watch this crap.
    He who laughs last thinks slowest

    #oldmanbeatdown - Donny BB16

  10. #10
    .... IWorshipRia's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    In your dreams....
    Posts
    17
    Quote Originally Posted by Shazzer
    The show starts with more Onyx tour footage (which I’ve come to find, they’re using to beef up the lack of content, hoping that the twirling stage lights and occasional ass-wiggling shot will distract us from the crappy content. This doesn’t work. Because while most of us, (and by most of us, I mean me) can be easily distracted by shiny objects, for the rest of us, forgetting crappiness would take something far brighter than a stage light. Like a supernova.)


    Back in the land of “back then”, we see Kevin slapping Mo under his chin “for fun”. Um, I don’t know what kind of crack rainbow you’re on, Kevin, but in most people’s world, smacking a 350 pound man around guarantees your future as a human balloon animal. *smack* “Take that!” says Kevin. *squeaky squeaky sqeaky* *poof* Kevin is now a llama. (Yes, I said llama in the last recap. I've got no material here, peeps, so if I have to pull in a llama, I'm pulling in a llama.) Kevin continues to taunt fate and smack Mo until Mo pins him to the floor by his neck. It looks fun.

    First up: horseplay. Kevin incites Britney to slide across their hotel dining room table on her stomach. She does, while giggling and laughing and eventually doing a hand stand, a hand stand that makes Kevin verbalize his “oh” face. “oh, oh, oh, look at that ass,” he says, in manner of Rob Sneider’s orgasm guy.

    Crap it’s not over yet.
    So I'm a newbie/former lurker and I'm LOVING your recaps especially. I've given up on even trying to watch the show. I'll just read these.
    ANTM ROX MY SOX!

+ Reply to Thread
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts

SEO by vBSEO 3.6.0 ©2011, Crawlability, Inc.