Recap 5/24: More Vacuous than an Empty Bong
If this show was a hot dog, it would be 5% beef and 95% pig lips and raccoon hoof. (I hope you’re not eating while you read this. If so….please comfort self by believing that all hot dogs are made from the finest, pure, Grade A beef, farmed from cows that dance upon golden meadows of swaying grains. Btw, this reminds me: I saw a food brand here called…..get this….*drum roll*…..Boar’s Head. Yep. As in Boar’s Head Cheese and Boar’s Head Condiments etc. Ummm…ecsqueeze me? Why are they giving their FOOD COMPANY such a crappy brand name? I couldn’t think of anything less appetizing. Well, maybe. “Here at Racoon Hoof Chocolates….we’ve come up with a delightful selection of piquant bon bons to bless even the fussiest, raccoon lover in the bunch.” )
Side note: Do raccoons have hooves? I don’t feel like looking it up. Thanks. Britney and Kevin sucked away my energy, along with my will to self-edit, breathe, and wash myself with a rag on a stick. <--homage to Simpsons.
*sigh* Let us begin.
The show starts with more Onyx tour footage (which I’ve come to find, they’re using to beef up the lack of content, hoping that the twirling stage lights and occasional ass-wiggling shot will distract us from the crappy content. This doesn’t work. Because while most of us, (and by most of us, I mean me) can be easily distracted by shiny objects, for the rest of us, forgetting crappiness would take something far brighter than a stage light. Like a supernova.)
Apparently this is the first time Kevin sees Britney’s show, and she’s apparently rather twitterpatious about it. I.e. nervous. Kevin doesn’t get it. He doesn’t understand how someone can perform in front of millions and still be a shakey little chipmunk about just one guy watching her. Post-performance, she tells him that she doesn’t want any opinions, and that he can “talk to the hand” if he does. Oh….so…boring…it’s…painful! *struggles/sweats* I
Next up: 7-year-old Boy Scout camp tricks. Yep. In a similar, flashlight-in-your-yapper way, Britney turns the night vision on herself and Kevin, giggling about how vampire-like they look. *squeal* <-----I would have edited this unimportant bit out, but sadly, this IS the content of the show. Read it and weep, my babies. *holds all of you in group hug*
Copenhagen, oh yah, fer sure *clicks clogs*
In Copenhagen, Denmark, little Brit Brit gets a mime-thick coating of make-up splattered over her face while she discusses her fond happy-vibes for Kevin. She thinks he’s nice and cute and a great kisser and cool and she never thought she’d like anybody ever again! Yay! <--her glee.
In the land of clogs, we see Kevin trying to vex Mo, the enormous sta-puft marshmallow security guard who dislikes Kevin on sight. Kevin starts to control the camera more and more, and we see him taunting Mo by filming him and asserting he really isn't filming him. Mo don’t play that game. He insists Kevin shut the *bleeping* thing off, while Kevin insists it IS off. What a crafty little game.
Britney and her peeps explain that the security guards had it in for Kevin from the get go, thinking him a greasy little lemur. Apparently, the first time Mo saw Kevin, he thought he looked like a shifty punk capable of hurting Britney. Kevin and Britney detail this tumultuous time in the wee dawn of their relationship while sitting on a couch together in “the now”. Kevin says he knows that the security guards would relay Kevin info. back to Britney’s mom because Britney’s mom always wanted to know the scoop on Kevin. As Kevin tells us this, Britney rolls her eyes and makes faces like a little girl as if this is all…so…horrible! *shrieks*
Back in the land of “back then”, we see Kevin slapping Mo under his chin “for fun”. Um, I don’t know what kind of crack rainbow you’re on, Kevin, but in most people’s world, smacking a 350 pound man around guarantees your future as a human balloon animal. *smack* “Take that!” says Kevin. *squeaky squeaky sqeaky* *poof* Kevin is now a llama. (Yes, I said llama in the last recap. I've got no material here, peeps, so if I have to pull in a llama, I'm pulling in a llama.) Kevin continues to taunt fate and smack Mo until Mo pins him to the floor by his neck. It looks fun.
Eventually we get more hotel room shots and some little joke from Kevin about drinking gasoline (surprised, I would not be, as he has that, “I’ll eat anything!” Mikey cereal look. “Here, Kevin, eat this wine cork.” Kevin: “Mmm….coooorky.” *giggles*) Soon they’re ready for a night of clubbin’. You’d think even one solid 60 second period here would be full up with interesting gold. You are wrong. *holds self, rocks back and forth* Instead, what we get…………..is a discussion on farting. *sigh* Apparently they’re all trapped in the car post-club-hopping, and somebody releases some gas. (<---this always sounds strange, i.e. “releasing gas”, as if you’re releasing an animal from captivity. Is it similar? I know not.) Curse Britney for making me recap flatulence. UGH.
Somehow, the producers decide to overlap the fart footage with Mo talking about how Kevin and Britney share the same sense of humor and just seem made for each other. Ahh yes, the fart joke: the wing nut in any healthy pair bond. Mo now likes Kevin, thinks he’s down to earth, and refrains from twirling Kevin like a twist cone.
Kevin on Kevin, and the Magic of the Kiss
It’s time to take a peek into Kevin’s little ticker. “What makes Kevin work” - a pbs/upn series. Who IS the Kevin inside the Kevin inside the Kevin? <----like Russian nesting dolls. With corn rows. Kevin tells us about Fresno, land of dream crushing, where at the wee, freckle faced age of 8 *cue freckle faced Kevin pics* his parents split. After that, things took a *fwoosh* dive down the toilet. He migrated with his mom to Nevada where he apparently made her life a living hell. “I was a pretty rotten dirtball of a kid” he asserts/says. He ends up moving away from mom to live with his father, only to swiftly move into a one bedroom apartment with six other “dancers” at the age of 18. Soon thereafter, he got his first dancing gig with LFO where he apparently first met Britney, “but nothing really sank in yet,” says he, because he just wanted to DANCE! Dance like the wind. *suddenly begins to Riverdance* <---desperate measure to liven up boring show. So, Kevin came, he danced, and said he just “knew” that he was supposed to be in LA for a reason, but never knew what it was.
Next up: Kissy talk. Britney talks about kissin’ magic and how they have it, big time, while we watch them suck face in the eerie green night vision light of her camera. Kevin breaks for air to tell us she kisses great, and that he likes balloons. <-----never utters balloon comment. But man, I’m bored.
Soon it’s time to be reminded of Britney’s psychic abilities. It’s May, 2004, and Britney reacts to sudden live news that Brad and Jen have split! She sounds drunk when she entertains the notion that Brad could be thinking of her. Kevin no likey. He says he’s worried she’ll leave him for Brad. She says no way, little corn rowed Jose, Brad is a dream, and you are the real, greasy reality! Who would give up your luscious, li’l bong sucking look for Brad? Hmmm? No way, buttercup, le Brad is a dream! A tasty, tasty, dream. Kevin points out that she’s made all her dreams come true, and Britney reasserts that Brad wouldn’t look her way even if she were set on fire and launched into space.
Zurich, Switzerland<---sucked dry of segment ideas
Yayyyy! We’re near the end we’re near the end! He he he! *giggles ala Pillsbury doughboy* We’re in Zurich, Switzerland where two things take place: horseplay, and a big and scary plane trip. And we’re done! Ha! <--really wanting to end this here. *sigh*
First up: horseplay. Kevin incites Britney to slide across their hotel dining room table on her stomach. She does, while giggling and laughing and eventually doing a hand stand, a hand stand that makes Kevin verbalize his “oh” face. “oh, oh, oh, look at that ass,” he says, in manner of Rob Sneider’s orgasm guy.
The last bit of footage on this thankfully 23-minute-show (yes, I was counting) is all about Britney’s fear of flying. On a plane to somewhere, Britney freaks out and shivers while everyone else relaxes and teases her. Apparently, on a flight to Sweden many years ago, she just dropped out of the sky, and not in a good, superman kind of way. Ever since then, she’s been a bad flyer. While everyone else goofs off, Britney tells us that the teasing pisses her off.
Crap it’s not over yet. I forgot to add the little bit about Amersterdam and luuuuv. We see a bit of a sex simulatin’ on her concert tour, where she bounces on a bed with a stranger, bopped to a jazzy Brit song I’ve never even heard before. We also get a few, depressing flashes of the sex shops in Amsterdam, followed by kissing, more kissing, and Kevin’s questions about love.
Kevin says that they both hide behind cameras in order to get to know each other better, and subsequently turns the camera on Britney to ask her how she feels, trying to coax an answer out of her that way. "I feel great," she says sagely. "Why do you feel great?" Kevin wants to know. "Because sex feels great," says she. Kevin wants to know that he's more than just man meat, and wants to know what ELSE she's thinking. Britney looks very uncomfy with the question and tells us that she's somehow only able to be intimate when there's a camera around. One on one? Too uncomfy for her. She finally defines love by saying that love is respect, love is commitment, love is honesty, and love is trust. Love is not just love, love is all those combined into a tasty little emotionally fulfilling sandwich. Kevin tells us that she was uber close to telling him how she felt, but kept getting scared. On camera, he asks her what scares her. She says nothing does. She adds: her own love doesn't sare her, it's other people's love that scares her.
Note: please know that nothing above is meant to make sense, be clear, or incite any kind of enthusiasm. So right now, if you're feeling empty and confused, you're riiiiight about where you should be. And if you've actually made it through to this sentence, you are a patient, noble, giving human being. Thank you. *gong*
Next week: Kevin gets Britney to say she loves him and then procedes to be an ass by not saying it back. Also up for grabs: more footage of nothing.
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