Moses led the slaves out of Egypt and into the desert, where they remained lost for 40 years. His people wondered, where are we going? What are we doing? And why do these berries taste so hot? This is much the same feeling you get watching the Britney/Kevin love fest. I.e. total confusion. Following the rigid precision of cloud formations, this not-edited-enough show takes us through a wonderland of random shots that rival Stevie Wonder's camera work in the fake SNL "Kannon camera" commercial. Stevie's blurred tree images, and random, half-framed phone poles look like Sofia Coppola compared to the Britney home video vault. And so today, I will be to comedy.....what William Shatner is to comedy. I.e. brilliant. <--sarcasm.
The show begins with a little montage of the footage we are soon to find out.....will bore the living crap out of us. *sigh* Montages of Britney's nostrils, her hairdresser's nostrils, Kevin Federlane's nostrils, and various other blurred shots of body parts (no: nothing good) are bopped in front of us in quick succession. Britney’s song, “Chaotic” booms over the boredom, letting us know…that it is so…..about to get…..crayzayyyyyyy. <---trailing in enthusiasm, foreshadowing the non-craziness to follow. The footage ends with a dramatic Britney narrating…."and this…is my story.”
And this……is my unenthused recap. Ta da! *jazz hands* Read on! If….you….dare…are…are…. <-----hyping the recap in UPN way.
First up is footage of the Onyx tour in London, where Brit performs her pop hit, Toxic, montaged, again, with footage of nostril close-ups. Suhweet! She thinks she looks weird, especially upon squeezing her surprisingly chubby cheeks together to make the chipmunk face. *sigh* And in much the same way Peter Pan needed your claps to bring Tinker Bell to life, I’m afraid I must ask you all to bow your heads and pray, pray for us all to get through this recap together. *holds your hands* Ohmmmmmmm Deep breaths. Deep, easy breaths. *sniff* Ahhh.
Next up: a close-up of Britney’s knees, as told by Britney, “They look like boobs!” she giggles in that sweet, ‘sippi drawl. "But they're not! They're mah knees!" Yes, yes, those are knees, Britney. And that's a bus, and that’s the sky, and this is a cup, and that’s a pen etc. etc. It should all come to you soon.
Soon we’re meandering through her London hotel room, which she describes as the coolest hotel room in the world, poo-pooing the hotels of the U.S. Everything is plush, and we view an enormous baby grand piano while she tells us about the achey little hole in her heart while on tour. Little Brit felt a void, and instead of filling that void up with the usual pop star tricks, i.e. cocaine and fast women, she decides to fill her life up with that other, oft-used life-plug: i.e. a man whore.
But first, some serious footage. Ahh yes, Brit decides to wander around and film various people’s thoughts on commitment and marriage. How do they feel? What do they think? And how soon will we see up their nostrils? Her hairdresser says that other than the cool deal of free healthcare, he doesn’t believe in marriage. Well guess what? Neither does Britney. *snort* Oh the chicanery of her foreshadowing! She briefly brushes on her wacky marital past by saying, “I don't believe in marriage either, but....I've been married before (she makes weird face here) but that was a completely different story." <--“weird face” here = her commentary on her brief, one day marriage to poor schlep from back home.
Soon she asks some hotel worker about how he feels about marriage, “I’ve done it twice,” says he. Hotel guy turns right around and asks her if she’ll get married again, “no way,” says she. Oh Foreshadow, you are a wicked little friend. When he tells her that everyone knows about it, she giggles at her own notoriety. “I’m famous!” *giggles* <---not really said, but definitely implied. Have you ever read US Weekly? Oh, it is the Shazz’s favorite little trash mag. Anyhow, much like Britney, US Weekly is in love with itself, and constantly flashes pics of celebrities reading it and rubbing it’s shiny pages over their nude bodies (okay, ixnay on the flesh rubbing, but I’m trying to jazz this up with smut! Yayyyyy ME! *does cheer*). Anyhow, one constant celeb pictured reading the mag over and over again: Britney. Ohhh yes.
More footage of Britney interviewing peeps about marriage and commitment and a slight bit of footage of her assistant Felicia, whom she teases for being single. FYI: single people love that
shistuff. What Britney wants in a man-whore: someone who doesn't know jack. A little boy. A man child. She has seen the world, and apparently wants someone who’s only seen the inside of a darkened box. “I want someone who hasn’t seen that much, because I would like to see through his eyes. “ So, someone naïve who’s been raised away from society, perhaps by wolverines or wild llamas. And Kevin Federlane appears to be that particular brand of jungle boy. (Something about him just screams, “llama.” ) At first she says she doesn’t care about looks, but quickly takes it back and adds, “well I don’t want a *bleep* faced ugly guy.” Please, no one send her the Brad Pitt twins from, “I want a Famous Face.”
Next up: A trip to TRL in London, where almost nothing happens. Less than nothing. It’s raining, they’re driving, the city flashes by their window. Yep. Hey, are you still praying? Thank you. She finally arrives at the studio and tells us she wants an audience full up with hottie men. With accents. Mmmm. *mind wanders* Okay. Anyhow, Butterfly song plays while Britney tells us the sad little story of celeb pain: everybody projecting their own stuff onto you. Yet she insists she’s as normal as your cat lady neighbor. She wants what everybody else wants: love, friends, and a closet full of shiny unitards. (Oh wait, that’s just me.)
More Kannon-like brilliance
Annnnnnd we’re all right back to more same-y footage of peeps talking about commitment and marriage. This goes on for-EV-er. *cue footage of spinning clocks, rapid sunrises and sunsets, and large rock formations whittling over time* Teresa, a dancer, tells us she’s too bitter for marriage. Britney says she herself is a Bitter Betty. Could she be referring to JT? Why I do believe so. She also tells us that at the time of all her commitment interviews, she couldn’t get this one guy out of her head. One guy = Kevin. Oh but wait, we’re not going there yet. Why no, no, no, why would we, when we can view the rain, her starry ceilinged touring bus, and more random nostril shots? *sigh* Also up: time for her to try and get her assistant laid. Yes, Britney wants to hook Felicia up with a dancer named Miguel, apparently, and says that her whole point in putting the love bug in people’s ears is to “get it out in the universe”. Felicia says Britney’s annoying. I like Felicia.
Also annoying, is the supreme lack of absolutely anything happening on this show. It’s a show about nothing. Like Seinfeld. But without the funny. Well, *snort*, not intentional funny. Ah ha ha ha ha ha eh…..ah. *lone tear slides down cheek* When I was wee, my dad had an 8mm camera. He once captured a lengthy, 30 minute sequence of my oldest brother…….feeding a duck. That was gold , babies, G-O-L-D (<---should shimmer) compared to this! Britney and Kevin? Soo the Ishtar of the Reality TV world. And that duck had charisma, man.
Annnnnnnnnnnnnnyhoo, up next for the B girl, besides the ever popular, and crowd pleasing, nostril shots, is her walk to the Wembley concert stage, and a little song she creates about not wearing underwear. Awww…how precious. We see part of her performance while she tells us just how crazy the overseas audiences are, and tells us that performing is like a big ‘ol birthday party for her every day.
Soon we’re in Manchester, and we get a view of what it’s like to be hounded by the paparazzi. Britney films the view from her hotel balcony, and down below we see the odd little press people darting furtively around park benches and pedestrians as if they’re not completely and utterly weird looking and visible. In fact, the more they try to blend in with the surrounding area, the more obvious and idiotic they look. Dude, you are so not convincing us that a leap into a sudden tree pose behind an elderly woman is camouflaging and casual. Well except for me. I do that all the time. But for your average person…no. She comments on how people can take everything away from you but your truth. “Can you handle….*dramatic pause*….my truth?” she says. <---so much less punch than Jack Nicholson. Also present: nostrils. Hey, I know I’ve brought this up a lot. It’s IN here a lot, get it? Get it? This is what there is to work with, people.
Crouching Tiger: Hidden Dragon - i.e. what’s your favorite sexual position?
Time to ratchet up the controversy, people. Britney decides to stop asking peeps about love and commitment…..and start asking about their favorite sexual positions. Awww yeah, my babies. *squeaky, squeaky* <-mattress sounds. But first, wait, there’s an important side story filmed here. Ready? Ready? Okay. Here it is: we stop and talk about how pretty some glitter is. I know. You got a chill too, didn’t you? *shivers*
Most people answer the question the same way: “what’s my favorite sex position? Whatever way I can get it.” <--finally, some entertainment. People laugh, they blush, and a small, hooded woman runs away from the camera. The end.
Apparently, JC Chasez is also part of the Britney Onyx tour. I had no idea. She manages to corner the former N’Syncer and ask him what his favorite position is, but he gets all shy and hides like a quivering bunny. He says he doesn’t want to say, because he likes many of them. Britney teases him and says he likes them all, he runs away. Finally, someone on her own tour asks her what her favorite sex position is. And edited out, it is. <----tiny bit of Yoda.
Back to more video of her make-up box. We get a lot of this. Frankly, it's freakin' brilliant. <----lies. Also up is more hair talk, as she ends up taking off one of her wigs, which leaves her like a nearly bald Chihuahua. She also manages to sneak a little more pig snout footage into the tape. And because of this, my friends, I shall begin the portion of the recap done with the speed of a cheetah. Strap in, babies, because we’re goin’ 90.
The Wildebeests Meet
Up next is some truly crappy editing of Kevin and Britney’s thoughts on meeting and mating. So, basic story is: Britney couldn’t get Kevin out of her head while she was on tour.
Suddenly we’re on Kevin. Greasy-haired Kevin. He tells us about “back then”, i.e pre-Britney. He was livin’ with his best friend from back home (*eehhhh* <-----buzzer sound. *sniff* What’s that smell? Anybody get that piquant “freeloader” smell? Yes. As soon as he said, “livin’ with my best friend” I immediately pictured air mattresses and Led Zeppelin poster window treatments.) Anyhow, during his “stay”, he would frequently hit a happenin’ night spot called, “Joseph’s”.
Insert Britney: “the night I met Kevin, I was like a hot piece of candy. So hot, I could liquefy this bracelet with my Kung fu grip. *grunts, then squeezes own bracelet with grimace on face, droplets of silver hitting the carpet*”’ <----this never happened. But she did think she looked hot.
Kevin said it was like a normal night, like, dude, it was like……….sooo normal…(he says, while looking like he took a big hit off his bong.) His eyes are all squinty and his hair is the happenin’ style of the day: unwashed. And finger combed. It’s quite the ugly. He says a couple of her dancers introduced them.
Britney says Kevin appeared very mysterious and unphased by anything, his vibe was very sexy. I’m guessin’ “unphased” = stoned. Totally baked.
Kevin says she danced with him for mere seconds that night, and they started talking and getting to know each other from then on. “And I don’t know, man, magic happened.” *cue rainbows and shooting stars*
The Magic Begins
Back in London again, we finally see Britney’s home video of Kevin’s first day with her. They have a fakey spat an hour into his visit because she apparently asked, “so when are you leavin’?” He playfully says he’s going home right now. Back and forth and round and round they go with the teasing. “You want me to leave,” “That’s because you told me to leave,” “but I was just teasin’, baby.” It's all very cute. We're delighted. Honestly. I might burn this on a cd-rom. According to Kevin, Britney insisted he go on tour with her and told him, “you’re coming with me, so pack your bags and get on the damn plane.” Awww. According to Kevin, they only knew each other for five or six days prior to his visit. So like….an eternity.
With her Britney cam, she asks him how he feels about marriage and commitment. He gives a good, bakey answer and says, "I feel that love…… is love." Yeah, man. He says love is a commitment and he doesn’t believe in marriage, but he believes you can get married. Then he laughs the laugh of the stoned. Side note: all of Kevin’s conversations require subtitles. He is just THAT eloquent.
Britney tells us she only asked that question because she was “playing reverse psychology.” She says normally people wouldn’t be so forward and bold with a question like that to someone they were newely interested in, but she thought she would dare the universe by asking it anyway. Way to go, Girl.
Kevin tells us that “love….you don’t need a certificate telling you that you love somebody. You don’t need a ring to tell you that oh, I’m closer to her blah blah. It’s not like that. It is what it is. It’s everything. Love is everything.”
Back on the Britney cam in London, she asks him what makes sex different from one girl to the next, and what makes it good. He actually gives a somewhat decent answer and says that it’s good when you have feelings for somebody, it’s not just sex then, and it’s more intimate. Britney says, “cool!” <----Annnnd because of this, the Cheetah recap speed continues.
”Enough about me, what do YOU think about me?” And….Britney might possibly be
Next up, Felicia, Britney’s personal assistant, and Mo, her security guard, weigh in on how they feel about Kevin. Felicia = he’s nice and cute. Mo, Mo says what we’re allll thinking. He says that when he first met Kevin, he thought he was along for a free ride. He didn’t like the way Kevin looked or walked or ate his pop-tarts in the morning.
Soon we’re on night camera shots of them, both tipsy and watching infomercials. For me, that’s known as……Wednesday. In the dark, Ron Popeil-like glow of the hotel room, she asks Kevin what he thinks about Eminem. Kevin’s take: he’s a genius. Britney’s take: he complains a lot about women and girls, but that’s cool. She’s totally fine with that. Except not really, because why does he complain so much? Kevin asserts that he doesn’t know the guy. She says she thinks it’s kind of *bleeped* up, and then, in a dig that I’m sure is meant partially for Mr. JT, she says, “It’s cool when guys complain about things that girls or their mom’s have done to them. Personally, I think it’s *bleeped* up, but hey whatever gets you in the game and gets you out there, it's cool, it's controversy, it's how good you can play the game.”
Soon she lights up and tells us how much she would like to be married to Brad Pitt. She personally feels that he’s kind of bored and will end up married to someone younger in five years. Britney’s psychic! Yep, documented and on film first: Britney predicts the Brad and Jen break-up. When Britney asks Kevin about his finest celebrity crush, he tells us he doesn’t like any of them. Annnnd we’re done with this portion. (You’re all still praying, right?)
Bleeping, Bleeping, and More bleeping
Finally. We’re near the end. The home stretch! Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! <-actually audible here. The show ends with more tickly feely play time with Kevin and Britney. First she tries to film him taking a shower because she loves his nekkedness. She thinks he’s fiyine. He does not enjoy it, and plans to reciprocate at some point in the future. *envisions Hilton-like home-hump video looming in not-too-distant, post-divorce, 2006 future* At one point, when they’re late getting ready, Britney playfully suggests they stay home and *bleep* all day. He says he’s down for that, but the security guards hustle him along anyway.
Soon we’re buzzing around in a car with the rain pouring down. Yep. That’s it. And interestingly, overhead a song plays, “is that all there is.” How appropriate. Because YES, it is.
Oh. Except for this. More *bleep* talk. Britney hits the treadmill while Felicia films her, asking her why she wouldn’t let her in the room earlier. Why? “Because I was having sex in here.” Whaaat? Nooo. Why yes. And how many times did Britney and Kevin get it on? Britney holds up three digits and giggles. “That’s why I’m glowing!”
The show ends with Britney talking about how cool Pink is while she tells her hairdresser how *squeal* happy she is that she’s had sex three times that day. The hairdresser replies, "oh, you are so dirteeee!" <----and this, my friends, is how we shall finish the show.
Next week: Kevin takes over the camera, Mo tries to attack Kevin, and the passage of 1800 seconds feels like the movement of the tectonic plates. I.e. slow. Oh so very, very...*whimpers* slow.
Driven to consider brownies. firstname.lastname@example.org