Boy Meets Boy, 8/5/03: Two-Stepping And On Top Of The World
Yes, it's that time boys and girls. It's time for another episode of the new Bravo series Boy Meets Boy. The show starts with our hostess Dani reminding us (via voiceover) that there are only 12 guys left out of the original 15, and she then leads us into our "Previously, on Boy Meets Boy, …" montage. Once we're done with that, we are reminded that we're now on "Day 2" of this adventure. You see, I believe that this show was filmed over the course of one week or so, so that means that James will be sending three guys home per day. How does he really expect to get to know these guys well enough in the course of a day to decide whether to cut them or not? Oh well, before I get too far off-track and go on a mini-rant, let's get back to the show.
The camera brings us into the house where James and Andra are staying, and the two of them are scrounging around in the kitchen looking for something to eat for breakfast. How do we know it's breakfast? Well, for one thing, James is still in his pajama bottoms. You know, James looks like he has a slighter build than I thought I remembered. Or, maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part that he was a bit more muscular. Anyway, if the pajama bottoms weren't a dead giveaway that it was morning, James' severe case of "pillow hair" should leave no doubt in anyone's mind what time of the day it is. Yes, James—a gay man who takes pride in how he looks—is knowingly being shown on national television with a case of "pillow hair"! Now, I thought it was funny, but it doesn't seem to bother James one bit. Moving on, as James and Andra continue to forage for food, James says, "I want a day of fun". What, having 15 guys compete for your attention around a pool in Palm Springs wasn't "fun"?
We next visit the "mates' house" where we see everyone getting settled into their new digs. I wouldn't get too settled, though, boys. Remember, 3 of you are going home tonight. Anyway, everyone is moving into their rooms, and we see Dan walk in on Franklin and Robb who are squeezing something out of a bottle. Dan looks at them suspiciously, but Robb tells him, "It's not lube; it's lotion." We then get a snippet of one of Robb's confessionals, and he says that he expects there to be lots of "action" in the mates' house, and he hope to be right in the middle of it. Cut back to Robb checking on someone in the bathroom. He says, "Are you OK in there?" Apparently, whoever it is answers yes, and Rob comes back with, "Well, remember, if you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it." Next, it's out to the pool, where the mates are engaging in all sorts of hijinks. The highlight (or lowlight, depending on how you look at it) of this scene is Dan pointing out Brian's "trail" and just how cute it is. If you ask me, it's weird enough that Dan chooses to make a big deal out of it, but he goes on and on about it for a couple of minutes. I swear, by the time he was done, I was ready to slap the s*** out of Captain Cheesiness and was hoping that someone would want to see how long Dan can hold his breath under water.
It's back to James and Andra's house now, where we find the two of them talking about who James should get to know a little better today (and who James wants Andra to get to know). James says he wants to talk to Franklin and Marc today. Andra says he should get to know Darren and that Paul is a wildcard. Then, Andra asks, "Do we need to spend more time on Dan?" James shakes his head and says, "…Or do we just let him hang himself?" Andra says, "You know, his honesty is what saved his ass." No, what saved his ass were probably his cheesy approach and the fact that James fell for it. If monogamy is such a big thing to James, he should have marked Dan off the list the minute Dan told him he had a "special friend" in New York City that he was "tight" with (and I'm not even going to go into the visuals that come to mind when I think about Dan saying that.). I just hope that your decision to keep Dan around doesn't come back to haunt you, James.
Anyway, Dani makes her first appearance of the evening and has a large shopping bag with her. After some idle chitchat with James and Andra, she says, "Now, James, I know you don't like to listen to country music. But, have you ever tried dancing to it?" An "Oh God, what am I getting into" look comes over James' face, and Andra can't hold back the laughter. Well, it seems as if today is "Group Date Day" for James, and the first date involved James and six of the mates taking a country & western dance lesson. Dani pulls a straw cowboy hat out of her shopping bag and puts it on James' head. Then, as Dani herself says, "to complete the gayness", she pulls out a red bandana and wraps it around James' neck. Hmm…I wonder if the mates that will be joining James will be dressed as a construction worker, a biker, an Army guy, a policeman, a Navy guy, and an Indian…
Well, my hopes for a Village People redux are quickly dashed when we head back to the mates' house where we find six pairs of boots and six cowboy hats waiting for Dan, Robb, Marc, Franklin, Michael, and Jim, the six who will be joining James on this group date. There are no bandanas for the guys, and, if I were James, I'd be more than a little pissy that I was the only one that had to look like a waiter at a West Hollywood steak house. Anyway, the six mates get ready, and, sooner than you can say "yeehaw!", James shows up at the door to pick up his dates. The guys all hop into a limo and are taken to some spot in the middle of the desert where a really cheesy-looking "town" has been set up. Waiting for the boys is their dance instructor for the day, Jorge. Jorge, who is wearing jeans that must have been painted on and are worn thin in just the right places, welcomes the guys and says, "Hey, where are the girls?" OK, a couple of things here, Jorge. First of all, I don't know whom you are trying to convince by asking where the "girls" are. Secondly, open your eyes! You've got half a dozen queens right in front of you!
The group goes up onto a platform where the first thing they learn is some line dancing. After that, Jorge has the guys pair up, and Marc volunteers to dance with the instructor. This impresses James, as he didn't think Marc would do something that bold. Anyway, before they start dancing, Jorge tells Marc, "Open your legs a little more". Hmm…I wonder when the last time Marc heard that was. The pairs dance around the floor a bit, and I notice a couple of things. Franklin and Jim both have two left feet, and James looks very uncomfortable trying to lead as he dances with Robb. The two-step is over quickly enough, and Jorge now wants to show the group how to "shadow", another way of two-stepping. In order to really "get into it", Jorge says, he needs a shorter partner. And who do you think doesn't hesitate to rush up and volunteer? Why, it's Captain Cheddar himself, Dan. Jorge puts Dan in front of him and pulls him in close. Dan says something about his "batteries", and Jorge says, "Oh, I'll recharge your batteries. Don't worry." Well, alrighty then. Jorge shows the group the things that dancing in this position allows one to do, as his hands move all over Dan. Dan, of course, puts up no fight, and this causes James to get more than a little pissy. At first, I thought Dan was acting out of line, but the more I think about it, the more I think it is James who is overreacting. Dan wasn't doing anything inappropriate, and yet James is getting all jealous. Hey, James, I thought you didn't really care for Dan…
After another round of two-stepping (during which James notes how much fun Jim is having), Jorge hands James a note and asks him to read it out loud. To cut right to the chase, the notes says that James must pick one of the six mates to have a one-on-one date with where they can talk and end it with a nightcap "cowboy style". Now, I don't know if that means they're going to be doing shooters out of a cowboy boot or what, but I'll go along with the flow. After some hemming and hawing, James finally picks Franklin, and the two head off for a few minutes of alone time. The conversation is pretty harmless, although at one point, Franklin starts into this diatribe about how James has a "masculine jaw" yet also has "feminine eyes" and that the result is "simply gorgeous". OK, I don't know if Franklin was nervous or if he was trying to really be sincere or what, but the whole speech felt (and looked) awkward to me. It doesn't seem to phase James, though, as he is flattered and thanks Franklin. The two get up, hug, and then rejoin the group.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch—well, back at the mates' house, to be specific—Andra has spent the day with the other half of the guys, and they are all sitting around the table when the <s>cowgirls</s> cowboys return home. After some brief chatting, James and Andra hop into the limo, and Andra immediately wants to know how the date went. James tells her that Marc surprised him by volunteering to dance with Jorge, and Andra asks, "How was Dan?" James tells her, "He is such a player", as James lets the little green monster called Jealousy rear its head once again.
We go back to the mates' house, where the guys find six sets of hiking gear waiting for the six who have not been on a group date yet (that would be Sean, Darren, Matt, Wes, Brian, and Paul). It turns out that this group will have to be up bright and early in the morning, as they are heading up into the mountains for their group date. The morning comes, and James knocks on the door to pick up his dates for this adventure. The group heads off in the limo, and then we see them taking a tram up to the top of the mountain. Every time the tram shakes a bit, James and Brian grab onto the railing and hold on for dear life. Hey, guys, it's a tram, for crying out loud. It's not like you're on a rope bridge at the summit of Mount Everest.
We go back to the mates' house, where Andra has arrived to take the six guys that stayed behind shopping. She says that the challenge is to buy a gift for James and that they only resource they will have will be Andra herself. The group arrives at some store, and Andra immediately asks Dan about his boyfriend. Dan curtly responds, "I don't have a boyfriend." Um, what about that guy in New York City? Remember him? Well, before Andra can press Dan any further on the subject, we're back at the mountain with James and his dates. The guys find out that they won't be going hiking; they will be rock-climbing instead. Paul wastes no time getting to the top of the rock, and this impresses James. Wes and James climb up together, but before he's gone more than 10 feet, James is paralyzed in fear. James tells us that he was "ready to quit", but Wes encourages James, and James eventually makes it to the top. After they're all done, James gets another note. Just as with the other group date, James now must pick one of the six guys for a bit of private time. In a bit of a surprise (at least to me), James selects Darren, and the two head off to sit at a table with an absolutely magnificent view. The two talk about love and dating. Darren tells James that he hopes to eventually have "the guy, the dogs, the kids…the whole thing", and this brings a smile to James' face. The two get up from the table, hug, and head back to the rest of the group.
We're now back at the mates house, where the second group has just returned home to find Andra and the first group of guys waiting for them. There's pizza and drinks for everyone, and Andra tells James that it's time for the gift exchange. She tells James that each guy was supposed to get a gift that they thought would be appropriate for James, and the gift giving begins. First up is Dan, who gives James a pillow with the word "HOPE" embroidered on it. Dan says it represents "the hope that James and I both have for love." Oh, good Lord. Is there an airsick bag around here anywhere? I don't remember what Robb gave James, but the card was priceless. Matt gives James some wind chimes and a candle ("to bring light into your life when you're feeling down"…ugh.), and Michael says that he doesn't have a gift from James. Instead, he got a gift from Andra because, "any friend of James' is a friend of mine." OK, that might have just taken the Cheesy Award away from Dan and his "HOPE" pillow.
As the gift giving winds down, Dani reappears to whisk James and Andra away to the Decision Room. As the three of them enter the room, Dani tells James, "I have something to tell you…*dramatic pause*…and it could…change…everything." What could be Dani's news? Is one of the three mates already kicked off re-joining the show? Is Dani going to pull off her bleached blond wig to reveal that she's a guy and is placing herself in competition with the other mates? No, Dani says that the elimination process will be a little different this time. This time around, the mates will be presented to James in groups of four, and James will have to eliminate one from each group. In addition, James will not know who is in each group beforehand. Wow, this could be THE MOST EXCITING CHAMPAGNE CEREMONY EVER! Of course, given that there's only been one before this, there's not really much to compare to. Anyway, after revealing the "twist", Dani leaves James and Andra alone and tells James to join her when he's ready.
After a few minutes, James comes out to join Dani and the mates. He says his requisite "this is so tough" speech, and it's time to start making the cuts. Dani calls up the first group of four: Jim, Franklin, Sean, and Dan. Woo hoo! Bye-bye Dan! James takes a deep breath and gives his first glass of champagne to…Dan? What the…? Dan, whom James called a "player", gets a glass of champagne? OK, I give up. I guess my grandmother was right when she said, "Sometimes, there's just no accounting for taste." Anyway, Dan is safe, as are Franklin and Sean. That means that Jim is the bootee from this group. Next up are Wes, Michael, Robb, and Paul. If I were making the choices for James, I'd boot Paul. He's a nice guy and all, but I just didn't see any sort of connection between him and James. Apparently, James is thinking along the same lines as I am, because Paul is the one who is cut from this group. Wes, Michael, and Robb are all safe. The third group is Matt, Brian, Marc, and Darren. Hmmm…this would be a tough group for me. We didn't really see much of Matt this episode, but he did give James that cheesy present. Darren got private time with James, so he should be safe. That leaves Brian and Marc. Now, James didn't really talk to Marc that much, but he was impressed by Marc's willingness to get out there and dance with Jorge, the instructor. Was that enough to save him? Unfortunately it wasn't, as Marc is the one that Dan eliminates from this group.
As the show comes to a close, we get the expected confessionals from the three guys that were eliminated, and we find out that Marc is gay, while Jim and Paul are straight. Hmmm…there are supposedly only 5 straight guys in the group, and three have already been eliminated. Sounds like James' gaydar is working pretty well.
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