Last week on Blow Out, Scott and Clarissa moved up on the Jonathan Salon food chain to become stylists, Jonathan worked a photo shoot for Bacardi and Zorbit Scott got the packaging for the new Jonathan water filter done with minimal bloodshed. When we last saw Jonathan, she was jetting off to Hawaii for a Sephora event where he will unveil Beauty Water, the new showerhead filter system. This week, Jonathan’s in Hawaii to pimp Jonathan Product so he can play lots of golf and write it off as a business expense. We’ll also see lots of hair and *sob* Jonathan heads to therapy again.
A Very Hairy Mission
Fresh off the plan and riding in a sweet limo, Jonathan rambles on about how great it is to be in Hawaii. With his iPod cranked up, he can’t even hear the response from Beth Ann. It’s kind of sad that she thinks that he actually wants anyone else’s opinion. The whole Jonathan Product team is along for the ride this time: Tina, Beth Anne and Rob. Jonathan tells us that is was really important for them to all be there with him. Not only will he be launching the shower filter, he’s on a mission. A mission of hair. Seriously. I couldn’t make this stuff up.
First up is a spot on a local morning show…..in 5 minutes. Cut to Jonathan rambling on in the limo while several people from the station stand outside waiting for him to arrive. Jonathan hops out of the limo, gets lei’d (sorry, I had to) and with no makeup or prep time, they plop him into a chair and the cameras roll. The spot is over in no time and seems to go fine. All Jonathan wants to know afterwards is how his hair looked.
At breakfast after the morning show, Team Jonathan chows down and gets Jonathan briefed on his schedule for the day. First up is a visit to Sephora. When they arrive at the store, there’s a huge pile of shower filters to greet them. Jonathan is, of course, thrilled and he proceeds to manhandle the boxes and then starts signing boxes for the many many people (<---- sarcasm) who will want to buy Beauty Water.
Before the big hair show gets started, they need to chose the models. They will have four models, one of whom is the current Miss Hawaii. Beth Anne also wants to pick a back-up in case one of the models backs out. The models file in and Jonathan starts in “auditioning” the girls. By “auditioning,” I mean that he fondles everyone’s hair to see who the chosen ones will be. He then stares at all of them – effectively creeping the girls (and me) out – and then picks his six models.
Flipping a Birdie
Now we see the real reason for Jonathan’s visit to Hawaii – golf! Rob has been roped into hitting the links with Jonathan, although it seems pretty clear that he’s not much of a golfer. I doubt that it matters because he’d probably let Jonathan win anyway. Jonathan tells Rob that the two things he does best are cut hair and play golf. Poor Sescie. The guys play and play and Jonathan seems to miss more putts than I do. Of course, when I golf, the goal is to get the ball through the door of the little windmill, but I’m damn good at it.
Drama-Free Hair in Hawaii
Now it’s time for the big event at Sephora. Before the show can start, Team Jonathan has to get the models ready. In the limo on the way to the event, Jonathan goes all Miyagi and starts talking about how hair has a voice. Apparently, hair talks to Jonathan. The hair doesn’t speak loudly: it whispers. Jesus.
The stage is all set up for the Sephora event and Jonathan arrives at the store to greet everyone. Erika and Olivier have flown to Hawaii to help Jonathan out of the event: they’ve been with Jonathan for a long timer and he trusts them. The show hasn’t even started yet and Jonathan’s getting nervous. The stage is huge and Jonathan hopes they don’t expect him to sing. So do I. The nursery rhyme debacle at Sundance was bad enough.
Jonathan quickly gives the other stylists instructions and everyone gets started styling the models for the show. As usual, Jonathan is running late. Proving that he’s now completely delusional, he tells everyone that when the crowd starts stamping their feet (and, apparently, singing “We Will Rock You”), that’s when they’ll go out. If that’s a requirement then there might not be a show. Even though he’s done countless hair shows, Jonathan admits that this one is making him nervous. He gathers everyone into a circle and it looks like he’s going to say a prayer and it kind of is….if God cared about great hair.
The Mane Event <----Lame, but I couldn’t resist
The show is about to start and Jonathan’s got a major case of nerves. He stands backstage staking and twitching while Tina and the others are out front wondering what the hell is up. The mall looks pretty crowded and the MC, who I think is Miss Hawaii (or someone else who has a crown fetish), leads the crowd in an “Aloha Jonathan!” to bring him onstage.
From the previews, Bravo made it look like Jonathan completely tanked this thing and, yeah, it’s pretty bad at first. The crowd just stands there as Jonathan rambles on and acts like an idiot. Rob looks concerned and Beth Anne covers her eyes. Soon enough, Jonathan sets aside the lame banter and Elvis impersonations and gets down to it. He starts taking questions from the audience and then the show is over. Who knows how the show really went, since it looks like they edited out most of it. Miss Hawaii tells us that she didn’t know Jonathan was so funny. There are two kinds of funny: “funny sad” and “funny haha.” I know which category I put Jonathan into.
Now that the hair show is done, the group heads into Sephora where Jonathan strips off his shirt, which is drenched with sweat. Instead of putting on another shirt, Jonathan then wanders around shirtless, thanking the models and showing off his love handles. He probably booked an appointment for lipo as soon as he saw this show. Inside Sephora, there are tons of people waiting for Jonathan assessment of their hair. Jonathan spends some time, schmoozing, taking pictures and feeling up hair. Soon enough, it’s time to hop back on a plane to California and my last opportunity for lame lei jokes is gone.
Breaking in Scott
Once he’s back in California, Jonathan heads over to the West Hollywood salon to check in with everyone. He gives people the rundown on the Sephora show and then gets down to cutting some hair. Once again, it’s the long, layered cut.
The nest day, Jonathan is driving around and talking about Scott and Clarissa. Today will be their first day as stylists, so he’s headed to the Beverly Hills salon to check in on them. Scott admits that he’s a little nervous and feels unsure about what he’s supposed to do. Jonathan has brought Scott his first client and Scott tells us that he doesn’t want her to know he’s nervous. I’d say that’s a good thing. I wouldn’t want the nervous, twitchy guy holding scissors near my head.
Scott’s very first client is the usual young, skinny Hollywood types that seem to populate the chairs at Jonathan Salon. It seems that she wanted to have Jonathan cut her hair, but he wasn’t available. This one keeps mentioning that Jonathan said Scott was good, so he’d better be good. No pressure. She nervously tells him that she wants to keep her length and Scott tries to reassure her. I so wanted him to pull out the electric clippers on her, but he didn’t.
In the break room, Alyn, Kiara and BarbieKelly make cameos and talk about their personal lives. BarbieKelly’s husband is going out of town for 6 weeks, Alyn is reliving a breakup and Kiara is interrogating both of them.
Up front, Scott is trying to remain calm and alleviate his client’s fears about hair cuts in general. This chick must be a detective ‘cause man, she’s interrogating Scott. She peppers him with questions about everything and pretty soon, I want to smack her. After 8,000 questions, I’m starting to think there’s another reason Jonathan pawned this girl off on Scott. The finished cut looks great and the client seems happy. I’m happy that I don’t have to listen to her talk any more.
Breaking in Clarissa
It looks like Jonathan might just have a new assistant. He gives her the ABC’s of Jonathan while working on a client. Jonathan tells her that in high school, he had a Mohawk and piercings, but he played football too. He says that he was sort of weird and different from the other kids. Kind of like now.
Now that Scott’s first haircut is over, Jonathan is headed over to West Hollywood to check in on Clarissa on her first day as a stylist. Here comes Clarissa’s first client. She tells us that she really excited to get started and she seems much more confident than Scott did. While Clarissa works on her client, some of the other stylists congratulate her and ask about her final exam. I’m wondering what the client is thinking and if she knew that she was Clarissa’s maiden voyage as a stylist. When Clarissa finishes, the hair looks great and the client is happy. Clarissa is elated over finishing her first cut as a stylist.
The Greatest Invention. Ever.
At the office in the West Hollywood salon, Jonathan asks Rosie to log him onto his MySpace account so he can see if he has any more friends. He told all of his golf buddies to go to his MySpace instead of bugging him on the phone. Rosie tells him that he can record his voice and it will play when people visit his page. He’s amazed and then he’s gone. Jonathan can only do the technology thing for a few minutes before his brain is just ready to pop.
Wow, we’re actually seeing a lot of hair cuts this week. For a change, Jonathan has a client with very short hair, so we know she won’t be getting the same old cut. Hallelujah! The client seems to know Jonathan pretty well and she jokes that he really needs to work on his self esteem. The client owns a gym and she tells Jonathan that he needs to start coming to her gym. She asks him to show his abs and he refuses. Based on what we saw earlier, I’d say that’s a good thing.
This season has distinguished itself in that now Jonathan has a new topic to ramble on about: Asher the Wonder Baby. He tells the client that Asher is the best invention since…..milk. Technically, neither Asher nor milk are inventions, but that doesn’t seem to phase Jon. He tells the client how fabulous fatherhood is and she actually says that she’s considering freezing some of her eggs in preparation of having a baby some day. Um, TMI, honey. Jonathan quickly turns the convo back to himself and his days as a man whore. He tells her that he’s over all that now and he’s so much happier now that he’s procreated and left his genetic stamp on something. (again, just translating that for you). The haircut is done and, really, it just looks about the same.
The Beverly Hills salon really seems to be hopping today and Alyn and BarbieKelly both have clients in their chairs. Really, this part was so fillerish that I’m not going to bother recapping it for you. It was lots of banal talk about charity events and high school reunions and “I love it!” Go to any salon and you’d hear the same. Whenever they spend lots of time showing the other stylists, I realize how very boring they all are in comparison to Jonathan.
Here’s Jonathan now: inexplicably, he’s wandering around the salon, gazing up at the ceiling. He asks the girls at the front desk if there are any problems with the lights. They tell him that everything’s fine, but he keeps staring. Jon then tells us that he’s a real stickler for details and he really wants everything at his salons to be perfect. The people who come there should be able to feel like his salon is a refuge. He continues to wander around, checking the doors, the façade of the building and everything else.
”Make it stop! Make it stop!”
Even though I had a week to prepare emotionally for this moment, I’m still not ready. You guessed it: Jonathan’s back on the couch of Doric George, Wonder Shrink. This time, Jonathan’s talking about fatherhood and feeling like a father. Amid tears, he tells Dr. Dork that he’s finally starting to feel capable as a father. Dork compliments Jonathan on his achievements and earns his hourly rate. I’m no expert, but is this really what therapy is like? This guy seems more like a personal motivational speaker.
Jonathan then talks about Scott and Clarissa becoming stylists and reflects on how “heavy” it was when he, himself, became a stylist (“It was like, whoa!”). More crying. Jonathan’s emotional over the fact that anyone would want to work for him. I’m more shocked than emotional. Mercifully, the therapy session and this episode finally come to an end.
Next week: It’s the season finale and Jonathan returns to his beauty school and acts smug while answering questions and posing for pictures. Also: he films a commercial and tries to run the shoot like the megalomaniac that he is.
Now I need therapy. Critical@fansofreality.com