Oh where does the time go? It seems like just a few days ago that Jonathan was all about the Sundance Film Festival where he did Marlee Matlin’s hair and butchered some nursery rhymes. He also signed up for hazardous duty and helped his sister Robin with auditions for the Pussycat Dolls. Why hazardous duty, you ask? If you’d heard some of those girls sing, you’d know. This week, Jonathan’s all about New York Fashion Week and, of course, it’s still all about Jonathan.
On a side note: Every week when the show starts I’m reminded of what a kickin’ (or should I say bangin’) song they picked for the opening credits. Seriously, it always gets me in the mood….to watch an hour-long show about hair.
First up this week is Jonathan hopping into his car after shouting out his love to Sescie and baby Asher as he jets out the door. We don’t see either of them. Sheesh. So even if you procreate with Jonathan, you don’t get much face time on his show. For a switch, Jonathan is going to cut some hair today. It’s a novel concept.
In the car, Jonathan extols the virtues of Asher The Miracle Baby (*insert dreamy new age-y music*). He’s incredible, even if he can’t cut hair. Yet. Other kids get Lincoln Logs and Legos. Asher will have a set of scissors and doll heads to practice his “posture and strength behind the client” (once of daddy’s must-haves in an employee). Jonathan tells us that his family makes all the grinding and pounding and other hair-related violence worth it. He says that it isn’t all about him anymore…. and I snicker.
Salon Pit Stop
Last year, Jonathan took a team to New York Fashion Week to do hair for the B. Michael show. This year, he’s been asked to work the Charles Nolan show. He’ll be taking a different team this time. Sorry Kiara’s baby: you’re out. (<-----Heidi Klum voice). As usual Jonathan is overextended and really has no time to do New York Fashion Week. Oh, he’s still doing it. As we discussed last week: Jonathan is all about self-promotion.
When he arrives at the Beverly Hills salon, one of the nameless, faceless minions presents Jonathan with an envelope containing pictures of the models who’ll be doing the Charles Nolan show. He proceeds to deal them out onto the counter like baseball cards: “Yeah…yeah…yeah….oooo…we’ll make it work….yeah.” Jonathan breezes through the salon like a celebrity and we hear the receptionist telling someone on the phone that he’s booked up for the next four months. Considering how very little time he seems to spend at his salons, I have no problem believing that he is booked that far in advance. She then tells the person that Jonathan’s cuts range in price from $500 to $700 (note the lack of decimal point there). For that price, my hair had better sing, dance and style itself AND the shampoo had better be done by Matthew freaking McConaughey in a loin cloth.
Jonathan quickly shrugs off his jacket for Clarissa to hang up. She looks non-plussed at being reduced to a coat-check girl. Stylist Kevin gets some face time as Jonathan gives him a run down on the events of the last episode. Can I just say: Kevin, please lose that ‘do. Please. It’s the male hairdo equivalent of mutton dressed as lamb.
Checking in With the Minions
There are some young, cute new clients in the waiting area of the salon so, of course, Jonathan has to go say hello and get in some flirting. He won’t be cutting their hair but he still rolls out the welcome wagon. Then, Jonathan takes some time out to give an actual haircut. He also takes some time working with Scott, who’s gone all military with that haircut. Next, we spend a little time with Kiara, who is putting in extensions on a client. Cue Jonathan’s voice-over about how important his support staff is….to the maintenance of his lifestyle (<-----just finishing his thought for him). Jonathan gives his opinion of Kevin: a little crazy, but bullet-proof and a good guy to have around. That’s Kevin: hairstyling superhero with tragic ‘do.
While Jonathan is working on his client, he and Clarissa discuss Fashion Week. He asks her if she’s excited and she says yes. Anyone think Clarissa is on Ritalin? If that’s her excited face, I’d hate to see depressed. Jonathan tells us that he thinks Fashion Week will be a great experience for Clarissa. She tells us that she’s excited for the opportunity and still: not looking all that excited.
Dating 101 with Dr. Jonathan
Jonathan finally decides to have a conversation with his client while cutting her hair. Wow. This is new. Usually he’s either talking to someone else about himself or talking to the client about himself. This time, he’s actually asking about her. She’s going on a blind date and Jonathan takes the opportunity to commiserate and offer her advice (of course, it’s back to him again). This is where Jonathan actually says something really smart (and no, I can’t believe it either): “The minute I stopped trying to find the right girl and started trying to become the right guy, the girl came.” Don’t be too impressed. He’s going to therapy in a little bit here.
Bi-Coastal Golden Boy
It’s time for Jonathan to call Charles Nolan about New York Fashion Week. Before they get started really talking about what Charles wants for his show, Jonathan thanks him for the opportunity. Really, I do like that about him: he makes sure to thank whoever has hired him, no matter how stressful the event may be. Charles tells him that he would like the hair to be a very glamorous bed-head kind of a thing. Jonathan immediately gets what he wants and seems very happy.
At the West Hollywood salon, Jonathan quickly checks in with Rosie and then calls the Chosen Ones – aka the stylists he will be taking to New York – to give them the good news. His first call is to (*yay*) Jason, who had planned to be in LA during Fashion Week. Well, those plans are toast, baby. I love how Jonathan just expects everyone to drop everything and change their plans. He then asks Jason if he’s in the middle of a head and I have to rewind to make sure I heard it right. Jonathan talks about Jason and how great he is before he moves on to call Erica and the other stylists, including Bill (I know: I said “Who?” too) and Nikki (again, “Who?”). After all that activity, Jonathan’s ready for bed. Too bad he hasn’t even started working yet.
In order to figure out how he’s going to construct the hair for the Charles Nolan show, Jonathan decides to use Rosie (who apparently has nothing better to do) as his hair guinea pig. Charles Nolan wants the models to have scarves around their hair, so Jonathan wants to do a test run. Rosie is scared, but Jonathan reassures her. He puts his “work shirt” on and gets to work. After curling and straightening and manipulating Rosie’s hair, he finishes….except he doesn’t have a scarf. No problem. MacGyver simply rips the sleeve off of his shirt and ties it around Rosie’s head. I guess it looked okay, but I just can’t help thinking “I hope that was clean.” Rosie doesn’t look all that pleased, so maybe it wasn’t. Jonathan then calls up the stylists who’ll be going to New York so they can see the style. Everyone smirks over his ripped shirt, but nobody seems surprised.
Stopping to Smell the Hair Product
*SIGH* Yep, it’s time for more unhelpful therapy from frustrated actor, Dr. Doric George. You know when people who aren’t used to being on camera work really hard to act like they don’t know the camera is there? Yeah, Dr. Dork has got that down. Immediately you know this is going to get soggy when the camera cuts to Jonathan and he still has his sunglasses on. Dorkman asks him to remove the glasses and talk about what’s up. As usual, it’s the whole “My life is crazy. There’s so much pressure on me. Two salons, Jonathan Product, QVC, Sephora….” You know the drill. It’s all so much self-created drama. He starts crying as he talks about smelling Asher’s head. It’s sweet but man, that’s a lot of pressure for a kid. What’s going to happen to daddy when Asher’s head stops smelling so sweet? Jonathan will probably start producing some hair product that replicates the smell of a baby’s head just so he can go to his happy place.
Then, Jonathan utters my very favorite line of this entire series: “I’m so over me.” He goes on about how everything says Jonathan on it and it’s become a brand, rather than his name. Dr. Dork validates him and says that he’s helping others through hairstyling. Man, he must be paying this guy a lot of money. Jonathan says that he loves hair and he loves what hair does for people. Like keep their head warm? He says that he can only communicate with people through hair. This therapy session didn’t seem all that helpful to me, but Jonathan says he feels better.
Bangin’ Out Hair in the Big Apple
Team Jonathan is in New York City for the Charles Nolan show and things are about to become hectic really quickly. Jonathan tells us that they will have 3 hours to do 16 models and that Tina and Beth Anne will be bringing the new Jonathan Product aerosol spray for them to use. Next we are privy to a sacred ritual of Jonathan’s. It seems that, in every hotel he stays at, Jonathan takes a moment to go out onto the balcony and “throw a little Dirt” in his hair. Then he flings some of it off the balcony…and onto some innocent pedestrian. Nice.
Team Jonathan meets for breakfast. Of course, Jonathan is late and, of course, Clarissa has ordered him breakfast. This is where we learn that Jason flew into New York at 6:30 that morning and will be flying out to LA at 6:30 the next morning. He says he’s excited to be here. Someone should give that boy some more coffee because he doesn’t seem excited. He seems like Clarissa. Jonathan takes the opportunity to explain what the hair should look like, how many models there will be and how long they have to get things done.
Once at the fashion show, Team Jonathan gets to work setting up and Jonathan starts handing out black t-shirts that say “Drama Free.” I want one. Really. Soon enough, everyone is whining about the size of their shirts. Especially Jason, who claims they’re all going to give him an eating disorder. Yes, that Jason. The one who weighs 120 pounds, soaking wet, holding a brick. So much for drama free.
A Little Intermission and Envy
While all the drama is going down in NYC, we head back to West Hollywood to see Kiara work with her perfect client. The girl actually admires Kiara’s hair and asks for something similar. This time, the extensions are blue. A few of the Unchosen Ones hang out, not working and talking about Fashion Week. Kiara, Alyn, Kevin and Barbie Kelly discuss the hair for the Charles Nolan show and you just know they all wish they were in New York.
Bangin’ Hair, Part Deux
Back in New York, the models eventually start showing up and Jonathan runs through how the hair should be done. Charles Nolan introduces himself and seems pleased with the progress. Backstage, it’s flashbulbs everywhere and they’re not all for Jonathan. A few feet away is the real star (according to Jonathan….and I agree): cosmetics queen, Bobbi Brown. This is clearly a big deal for Jonathan. He asks Bobbie Brown if he can do her hair and she laughs. Yeah, no. Jonathan gives a few interviews and then talks about the hair style for the cameras. He even demonstrates curling iron technique. He then says something about “my people” and Jason smirks. I love it when Jason smirks. I’d put that on my Christmas cards.
Charles Nolan gives Jonathan the scarves that the models will have in their hair. He smiles and nods, but when Nolan leaves, he shows that he’s clearly horrified: the scarves are about 5 inches wide and cover a huge portion of the hair. Time is flying and there’s still no sign of Tina and Beth Anne, who never seem to go anywhere separately. Without the aerosol, the hair can’t be finished. There’s no sign of Tina and Beth Anne and Jonathan starts to freak out. Again.
At the last minute (says Jonathan) Tina and Beth Anne ride in like the cavalry with boxes of aerosol….you know, if the cavalry delivered hair spray. Jonathan quickly throws cans to all of the stylists and they all get to work doing their part to destroy the ozone layer.
There are cameras and reporters everywhere backstage. In voice over, Jonathan spews some war talk – he’s in the trenches, the fox hole, etc. doing hair and all of these people are in his face. Soon enough, Jonathan is sick of the all the people getting in his way. Really sick. There’s also this really annoying stage manager who keeps shouting out how much time is left. After asking the guy, oh, two dozen times to leave him alone and having runs ins with some cameramen, Jonathan finally snaps. He walks out and goes to take a few deep breaths and refocus.
Deep breaths over, Jonathan returns to put the finishing touches on the models. With minutes to spare, everything comes together and the hair looks great. Even Charles Nolan gets his hair done by Jonathan for his appearance on the runway. In Jonathan-speak, “Magic happened and then it was show time.” Of course, we see very little of the show because this show is about Jonathan. Most of what we see is the back stage chaos as Charles Nolan sends the girls to the runway. After the show, Nolan thanks Jonathan and tells him how much he loved the hair. He tells us that Jonathan did a fantastic job in a short amount of time.
Back in his hotel room, an exhausted Jonathan relaxes and tells that while he liked the hair for the show, he didn’t love it. He must have taken a shower in there somewhere because, all of a sudden, he’s in a towel. Out on the balcony, Jonathan calls Sescie in California. He tells her that Fashion Week was “gnarly,” with people screaming and yelling at him. She clearly knows him and asks “Did you scream back?” He admits to a little yelling but says that he’s all bark and no bite. The episode ends with him professing his love to Sescie and the baby as we watch New York City traffic from the hotel balcony.
Next week: Jonathan goes super model with a fashion shoot, tanks on QVC and flips out at manager Rob. Also: Zorbit Scott returns and the drama starts…and I’m as giddy as a school girl!
Who’ll win the next Jonathan-Zorbit Scott smack down? Critical@fansofrealitytv.com