7/12 Recap: Banging Out Hair on the Short Bus
Welcome to the penultimate episode recap (*fingers crossed*) for this season of Blow Out! It seems like just yesterday that we all watched the first episode where Jonathan had a self-serving therapy session, checked his hair a million times and called everyone "babe" and "dude." Oh wait, that's every episode of this show. It's all starting to blend together for me so let's soldier on, shall we?
This week's episode begins with Jonathan driving aimlessly around LA. He tells us that the Jonathan Product is finally done. He yells out the window: “Dude, I’m done!” A guy on the sidewalk shakes his head and says, “I’m DUNG? What’s the hell does that mean?” He also says that Zorbit Scott was right about the packaging (I imagine that Scott will tape this episode and replay it ad nauseum, kind of like porn). He does manage to get in a little jab, calling Scott “that a--hole.” He also says that Jonathan Product execs Tina and Beth Anne were right and….. (*gasp*) he was all wrong. Jonathan also talks about the fact that they are waiting on a decision from QVC about whether they want to sell Jonathan Product.
Jonathan arrives at the Beverly Hills salon and distributes samples of Jonathan Product to all of the stylists. In the first Touching Moment of the Week, Jonathan gets weepy as he watches the stylists dig through the pile of bottles. SIGH
So Thaaat’s How She Made All That Money
Jonathan’s first appointment of the day arrives and, as he is cutting her hair, his cell phone rings. Assistant Clarissa answers and tells him that it’s Tina and Beth Anne. After a bit of back and forth over whether he will talk to them – he wants to call them back after he’s done with his client – he takes the call. They tell him that QVC wants Jonathan Product. Immediately the client in the chair is forgotten as he rushes off to call girlfriend Sescie. The most notable thing about this scene is that he doesn’t cry.
As he leaves the salon that night, he’s in probably the best mood we’ve ever seen him in. He practically skips out of that place, blowing air kisses at everyone and singing “I Feel Pretty.”
At the West Hollywood salon, Stripper Bobby seems to be alone at the salon. No, he’s not cleaning the bathrooms: He’s waiting for a special celebrity client. It’s Internet goddess Cindy Margolis and her breasts! Cindy has what I call “upper body pride.” A whole lot of it. After much sweating on Bobby’s part and some serious blow drier action, he pronounces her hair done. Really, it looks pretty much the same as when she arrived. Ever the gentleman, Bobby tells her that he feels like he needs to take a shower now. I guess Bobby doesn’t have a rule about blatantly flirting with clients.
We love you just the way you are. Now change
It’s a brand new day as Jonathan arrives at the West Hollywood salon still giddy over the QVC deal. You can almost feel the bubble about to burst as he heads up to the office and the phone rings. It’s Tina and Beth Anne and they launch into a lecture about how he will need to tone it down for QVC. This means no more “dude,” “chick” and “babe.” Starting a sentence with his favorite “With all due respect” (Jonathan code for “You’re an idiot”), he tells them that he will not be scripted. He got where he is because of how he is and he’s not going to change himself into something that he’s not. I have to agree with him there. I’ll bet that, at first, a lot of the people who will buy Jonathan Product are buying it because they know him from Blow Out – they know what Jonathan is like. Plus I’d be weirded out to see some Stepford Hair Stylist version of Jonathan on QVC selling Jonathan Product.
At the Beverly Hills salon and Annie tells the stylists that she and Rosie want to plan a surprise party for Jonathan in honor of the deal with QVC.
Who Do you Do? Do-be-do-be-do
Jonathan is on his way to the Ritz Carlton to do Leann Rimes’ hair. He tells us that, in celebrity hairstyling, “it’s not who you are, it’s who you do.” Thankfully, he only does Leann’s hair. Leann asks about his sister, Robin, who used to dance with Leann’s husband. They talk a little about the Pussycat Dolls who, Jonathan says are quickly becoming the new Spice Girls. Not exactly a lofty goal. Before you know it, he’s done and she’s off to sing at some event at Santa Anita racetrack. Is that a big deal or is Leann’s career taking a downturn? At least it’s not the dog races, so that’s a good sign.
Jonathan is on his way back east to attend QVC training school and to visit the factory that is bottling Jonathan Product. He takes a limo to the airport and Sescie rides along with him. Once again, her hair looks like she just got out of the shower.
At Least it Wasn’t a Bulldozer
It’s bright and early the next morning in Baltimore and, as usual, Jonathan is running late. Tina and Beth Anne show up at his hotel room while he’s still in a towel. You gotta wonder if he does that on purpose. Honestly though, I’m not all that impressed by the bod. He obviously knows how to dress himself to hide the flaws. (This doesn’t mean that I still don’t have the teensiest bit of a crush on him. I’m just saying.) Jonathan finally gets ready and they all go to the factory where Jonathan Product is being bottled. All of a sudden, they turn around and Jonathan is nowhere to be found. Like a five year old at a construction site, he has wandered off to check out the forklift. In a move that I’m sure made the factory management run for the insurance policies, he actually gets into the forklift and starts driving around the warehouse. He even picks up a pallet of boxes. Everything seems to go okay until he starting driving in cycles and the boxes fly off the pallet.
Jonathan is corralled again and they’re finally ready to check out the bottling line. With a fashionable shower cap covering the ‘do, Jonathan claps his hands and says “Filling bottles!” He adds to the “short bus” moment by leaning over to kiss the glass and smacking his nose on it. Hard.
Jonathan begins crying over all the bottles with his name on them, the machines filling the bottles, the guys packaging up the bottles, the massive plumber butt of the guys packaging the bottles <---- I added that last one He goes outside to call Sescie and tell her that he saw the product being bottled. She shows just how well she really knows Jonathan when she asks, “Did you cry?”
Back in Beverly Hills, Barbie Kelly has a client who is a plastic surgeon. She takes the opportunity to grill the doctor about getting fat injected into her lips. Giving a whole new meaning to the term, “Kiss my ass!,” Kelly tells us that the added bonus of the procedure is that they suck the fat from your butt. Yuck. Just yuck. The doctor says that she would be willing to do consultations with any other stylists who would be interested as well. Kelly tells us that she’s really excited about getting her lips done. She’s never had any work done…. above the neck. Glad you clarified that Kel. I was about to call B.S. In a moment that made me cringe on behalf of Jonathan (as if the fat injections weren’t enough), the doctor sets up a little consultation clinic in the reception area.
Not-So Hot For Teacher
Jonathan’s anxieties about school are all coming back to him as he heads over to QVC College for what is called “Guest Excellence Training.” Why do we need to call it a college? QVC College is to college what Schoolhouse Rock is to M.I.T. (although, you know, singing might make M.I.T. more fun). He is also nervous about the fact that lot of people who are unknown come on QVC and their brands become super brands. We are reminded that Jonathan wasn’t a great student. Once in the classroom, he fidgets around and then puts on his sunglasses and puts his feet up on the table in front of him. The instructor scolds him, telling him to lose the glasses and put his feet on the floor. She also tells him the he is not the star: the product is the star. You can just hear the air hissing out of his big ego.
Next up is the “screen test” in the QVC studio, where Jonathan gets to do a 2-minute test run in front of the cameras. It’s clear that Jonathan is very nervous. He seems stilted and he tells us that he didn’t remember a thing. Once he’s done in the studio, Jonathan meets Rich, his QVC mentor. They will go over the tape of Jonathan’s screen test to discuss what he needs to work on. The actual segments on QVC run about 8 minutes, so he’s got some work to do. Rich tells him that he needs to do less talking about himself (this would apply to life as well, Jon) and let the host do that. Rich also tells him to talk about his celebrity clients and the ingredients in Jonathan Product that make it different from other product lines. Rich tells us that Jonathan seemed a bit reserved on camera. He hopes that Jonathan will show more of his personality. Be careful what you wish for, Rich. Next thing you know, he’ll be throwing you out of his salon and calling you an a--hole on national TV.
Because he did SO well (*sarcasm*) in front of the camera, he’s off to film – or attempt to film some promos. I think cue cards might be a good idea because he flubs take after take. My favorite: “Hey, I’m Jonathan Antin….^@*#%!” I think it really gets right to the heart of who Jonathan is, don’t you?
Important Hair Stylist Business
Jonathan is back in West Hollywood , where he closes himself off in his office to look at porn <----- logical guess since I didn’t get a really good look the computer screen Rosie comes in and asks how his trip went. Jonathan tells her that it was a lot of work and that it felt just like school. She then leaves and he goes back to his porn. He then gets on the salon intercom and calls for Rosie. No, it’s not urgent business: he wants her to show him how to watch TV on his cell phone. Rosie is a saint.
In Beverly Hills, Annie reminds everyone about Jonathan’s surprise party at the West Hollywood salon. What ensues is a very high school, girlie discussion about what everyone is going to wear. Really people, not like it’s a Hollywood premiere or anything.
”…and when I woke up, I couldn’t find my flashlight.”<------ Punchline to a really lame, dirty joke that only I think is funny
Back at West Hollywood, everyone waits for Jonathan to leave for the day. Almost immediately, everyone descends to help decorate and set up for the party. Once they are ready for him, Rosie calls and tells him that a water line broke and the salon is flooded. Predictably, Jonathan (who says he has just gotten out of the shower) freaks out and says he is on his way.
In the blink of an eye, Jonathan pulls up. Since he just got out of the shower, I’m expecting him to look less than put together. No deal. He’s his usual metrosexual self, proving that nothing will keep him from making sure he looks good…. not even the idea that his business is about to float away. As he gets out of the car, we see that he is carrying a HUGE Mag Lite and a tool kit. Show of hands: Does anyone believe that Jonathan actually uses the tool kit? I think it’s a boy thing, much like the forklift incident. He then proceeds to berate the camera crew. Couldn’t they have put down the camera to turn the water line off? At this point I’m wondering how smart this plan was and whether Jon will be able to switch gears when he finds out there’s no emergency. Rule #1 of throwing a surprise party: Don’t piss off the guest of honor before he steps in the door.
Enough of me talking about myself. What do you think of me?
Not to worry (as if you did). Once Jonathan finds a whole group of people gathering to honor just him, all is well and he forgets his irritation of a few moments ago. He says that he was touched by the gesture. He raced over there expecting to be shutting off the water line and bailing water out of the salon (he was going to bail water dressed like that?). Instead, he finds all the little people throwing a party in his honor. What megalomaniac wouldn’t love that? In a surprising turn of events, he doesn’t cry.
It looks like this was supposed to be the final episode because, as we watch the party continue, Jonathan talks about some of his peeps in voice over. It’s got a wrapping-up feel to it, but we already know from the commercials that there’s another episode next week. The producers must not have had much faith in Jonathan being able to get the QVC deal. Ouch.
Jonathan tells us that, of all the people who work for him, Rosie is the one he would never want to do without. He says that he owes his life to her. Not like she saved you from a burning building or anything, Jon. Let’s hope that our old friend, Foreshadowing isn’t at work here. If so, and if there’s a Season 3, Rosie is toast. We learn that Kimberly has come a long way and is working on becoming someone who works with Jonathan, rather than for him. Jonathan says that he thinks assistant Scott has a heart of gold and that he is going to work out. He also tells us that his relationship with Kiara (who is dressed for the party like Cyndi Lauper at a D.A.R. luncheon) continues to build. He sees great things in Kiara’s future.
Ever one to stay out of the limelight, Jonathan is eventually persuaded to say a “quick” word. I wonder what a long word sounds like because this short word drags on forever. What follows is a combination of every speech we’ve ever heard Jonathan give over the past two seasons. It’s sprinkled liberally with cliché. In a nutshell: (and I paraphrase) There’s no “I” in team, I’m nothing without all of you, everything I do, I do it for you, you are my everything and I-eee-I-eee-I will always love yoooooooou!!!!! *big finish*
As the party winds down, Jonathan takes in all the empty alcohol bottles and asks, “How long have you guys been here?” I don’t know why he’s surprised. These people can’t go to the bathroom together without popping open a bottle of champagne.
Lights! Camera! Flop Sweat!
It’s Jonathan’s big debut on QVC and seeing as how the show ends in about 4 minutes, it’s clear that this is all going to be building up to the credits.
Jonathan is nervous and starting to sweat as he arrives at the QVC studios with Tina and Beth Anne. He meets his mentor, Rich and the girls who will be his hair models. As Jonathan is rushed into the makeup chair (I’m sure he’s not letting anyone do his hair for him), Tina attempts a pep talk. Clearly Beth Anne’s been spending WAY too much time with Jonathan, because she actually starts to cry. He quickly shoos them both out of the room because they’re getting too heavy on him.
In the hallway, Tina tries to help Beth Anne pull herself together. Tina thinks that Beth Anne is crying because she’s scared that Jonathan is going to blow it and they’ll all go down in flames. Beth Anne tries to explain that she’s not scared, it’s just…..well….. she saw Jonathan with his shirt off. Teehee. Good one, Beth Anne.
Just when you thought Jonathan was going to surprise us, we have Weepy Moment #158. He suddenly notices a card that has been dramatically placed in front of him on the counter. He says to the makeup artist “I have a card.” Yeah, Jon. I flash back to the “Filling bottles!” moment earlier. He doesn't even read a word before he starts tearing up. The card is from QVC and welcomes him to the network and into 87 million homes. But no pressure, right? As if he wasn’t nervous enough. Really people, not the best timing in the world.
Top of the World, Ma!
As Jonathan is escorted to the studio, he tells us that he feels like DeNiro (again with the DeNiro thing. What’s the deal with that?) in Raging Bull. I’m not sure if Jonathan’s need to compare himself to DeNiro is delusional or slightly endearing, but I know which one I’m leaning toward. The episode closes as he tells us that he only has one shot to do this. You know what that means. We got a whole episode with no therapy session! *does dance of joy* I’m sure we’ll get a double-wide self-serving shrink session next week, but for now I am happy.
Next week: It’s the big appearance on QVC and Jonathan freezes on camera like a deer in headlights. He also does a photo shoot with more hot chicks and travels to Sephora in New York to see Jonathan Product on the shelves.
Shake your head, darling..... Critical@fansofrealitytv.com