Wow, it seems like just yesterday that I was watching last week’s episode with glee as Jonathan Antin flipped out once again, both crying and then getting violent (okay, it was just with a door, but it was still excellent *Ted Logan voice*). This week is a little less violent but a lot more weepy. So let’s put on the galoshes and wade on in!
At the Beverly Hills salon, Jonathan’s first appointment of the day is long-time client, Georgia. Those who watched the show last season will remember Georgia as the client who had lost her hair while undergoing chemotherapy for breast cancer. Jonathan made her a wig that looked almost like her own hair. Georgia’s hair is growing back in, but she needs some color and style. Jonathan will do the cut and Kevin will color it. When they are finished, she has a very gamine pixie cut. Jonathan says that being able to help Georgia helps give him perspective. See – every time I’m ready to snark Jonathan into the middle of next week, he says or does something really human and I have to like him just a little bit.
Like Too Many Rats in a Cage
Jonathan goes to visit Sephora (or as I call it: The Mothership) with Tina and Beth Anne. They are hoping to get the new Jonathan Product into the 110 Sephora stores nationwide. Jessica, the store director (whose hairstyle suggests a little Betty Page fetish) meets them. She explains that they have had great success launching new brands.
It’s raining in Beverly Hills and it seems to have made everyone a bit goofy. We see Barbie Kelly dancing like a loon, Kiara playing with her baby and Scott yammering on about something while shampooing a client. In from the rain walks actress Lisa Rinna. Annie tells her that Jonathan is going to be about ½ hour late. Her reply: “Oh gee, what a surprise.” See, Lisa knows Jonathan. When he finally shows up, Jonathan tells us in voice over that Lisa is not only a client; she's also an old friend. He uses the time with his old friend to plug Jonathan Product because really, what good is an old friend is you can’t use them to further your own career? He talks about the Sephora deal, the prospect of getting Jonathan Product on QVC and about Zorbit Scott (who he calls a jerk).
It’s the end of the day at the Beverly Hills salon and there are about 8 stylists, assistants, etc. hanging out and talking at the front desk. Alyn, who is cleaning up after finishing his last client, comes up and asks if they could all clear off so that his client has room to pay. This seems like a reasonable request to me. This woman has paid about $300 for a haircut (her first from Alyn) and he doesn’t want her to come up and find a bunch of people just goofing off and blocking the counter. Ed pretends to cry over Alyn’s cruelty (so much for that meltdown in the previews last week). In the break room, Alyn the Ogre talks to Kim, who agrees with him that Jonathan wouldn’t be happy about all the people hanging out at the front desk. She also says that he could have asked people to move a bit more nicely.
I just have to ask: What’s with the newsboy cap, Alyn? He’s been wearing that thing for 2 or 3 episodes. What’s the deal? Bad haircut (this wouldn’t be unheard of with these stylists)? Bald spot? Second head?
Raining Cats and Dogs and Babies
At the West Hollywood salon, Jonathan tells us that he is anticipating the final meeting with Tina and Beth Anne regarding the final packaging for Jonathan Product. Jonathan tells Rosie that Scott is wearing him out. He is not looking forward to dealing with him again. To that end, he calls Scott and tells him that, in light of their difficulties, he’d prefer it if Scott was not at the meeting. Scott gets a bit pissy, telling us that Jonathan uninviting him to the meeting is not the stupidest thing he’s ever seen but…. It’s the stupidest thing he’s ever seen someone else do (just finishing Scott’s thought for him there).
It’s pouring rain at the Beverly Hills salon and Kiara calls in to let them know that she is running late. We find out that she did not want to take her baby out in the rain. Kiara asks Ed to get her client started and to mix and begin applying the client’s hair color for her. Annie immediately steps in and tells Edward that he should not be applying color; he is a general assistant. He seems to think this is reasonable – after all, he’s not a colorist and he shouldn’t be doing Kiara’s job for her. I think Annie’s intervention had less to do with Edward needing to do assistant work than it did with her fear that he client’s hair would end up looking like a bunch of yarn.
At the West Hollywood salon, Jonathan lies on the floor in the office and plays Camille with a washcloth over his face. He moans about how he feels bad and then proceeds to start and stop and start telling a really lame joke about a donkey to Rosie, who answers the phone and conducts business as Jonathan continues to talk. He finally abandons the joke before he can get to the inevitable dirty punch line.
They Always Pick on the Runt
In Beverly Hills, Kiara finally arrives. Her client, who is just sitting there reading a magazine, seems pretty mellow about the whole thing. You get the feeling this isn’t the first time he’s been left waiting for Kiara. Where last week the editors made Edward look like a nitwit, this is the episode where everything is edited to make Kiara look like a flake who everyone talks about behind her back. Edward tells Kevin why Kiara was late, which prompts and Kevin to make “Help! My baby’s melting,” jokes, à la The Wizard of Oz. Edward also has to run and tell Kim about Kiara being late. Kim proves that she’s still a wee bit bitter by saying that Kiara brought her baby to Fashion Week too. Really Kim. Let. It. Go. While Kiara is being a bit flaky, Edward needs to mind his own business. After all, it was only last week that we saw Ed losing it at Jonathan’s cutting class.
Kiara tells her client that when it rains in LA, everything falls apart. This is true. In LA, if there is more than an inch of rain, the local news works up a special graphic (“Storm Watch 2005”) and acts like everyone should be moving to higher ground.
Beverly Hills assistant Scott is having a party – it’s a party just to have a party. We knew it wasn’t a coming out party, Scott. Kim volunteers to get the word out to the West Hollywood salon. She suggests faxing over the info. Scott acts like she just cured cancer… or told him that she knows Ashton Kutcher. To Scott, the fax machine is still magic. Scott probably folds paper in half before he faxes personal info…. so no one else can read it. Kevin observes that the party will probably include Ritz crackers and Rice Krispies treats. No fair peeking, Kevin.
At West Hollywood, Tina and Mary Beth show up for the meeting with Jonathan. With them is Chris from Zorbit. You may be asking “Who?” Yeah, Chris is the non-psychotic one on the Zorbit team. Thus, we have seen very little of Chris. They make Jonathan close his eyes while they line up all of the Jonathan Product containers for him to see.
When he sees the packaging, Jonathan is overcome. He loves it. He almost cries, but he holds it in. This is progress. Then he starts talking about how his old product line never felt like the real thing because he didn’t have *sob* a barcode (I am not making this up). Now he has, like, 15. He falls all to gooey pieces as Tina and Beth Anne “Awwwww” together.
They Like Me! They Really Like Me!
At the Beverly Hills salon, Kiara’s baby is attracting attention again. She apparently has a sitter (either that or she just enlisted some woman off the street to watch the baby), but the sitter is at the salon. In the break room, Alyn (who is WAY pms-y this episode) makes a snotty remark to Kiara about breastfeeding her baby in the break room. She retorts that maybe he would prefer she let her child starve. He wonders why she can’t breastfeed somewhere else, like the bathroom. As I theorized last week, I’ll bet Alyn doesn’t have all that much experience with breasts, so this is probably upsetting for him. He finally gives in, saying that no, he doesn’t think Kiara should let the baby starve. As we will see later, Alyn isn’t the only one who’s about over Kiara and the baby.
In the West Hollywood salon, Jonathan gets a call from Tina and Beth Anne. They tell him that they have amazing news and before he can imagine Scott perishing in a fiery plane crash or being eaten by a pack of wild dogs, they tell him that Sephora has agreed to carry Jonathan Product. For those of you keeping score, this is the second time this episode that he loses it and cries. He can’t even speak as they both tell him how great this is. Jonathan continues to cry as he calls his sister, Robin, to tell her the good news. At least this time he has a better reason than with The Barcode Cry.
Pick Your Poison: Chinese Water Torture or Nails on a Chalkboard
Scott is getting ready for his party. He carries a huge bunch if helium balloons into this apartment. What, no pony? He tells us that his apartment is a mess and that he needs to clean. We see Scott’s tiny studio apartment, which is covered with clothing and other detritus. He tells us that this is his first apartment on his own and that his mother would be horrified if she saw how dirty is was. Guess what Scott? You know those cameras following you around? Yeah.
Once again, Jonathan is at the shrink’s office. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the most self-pitying, self-serving, pretentious crap, this session scores about a ten…. At first (stick with me here). He tells the shrink about the deal with Sephora. He says that, while is really happy about his success, he is also scared. This while thing is making him so emotional that his stomach hurts – just like when he was a little kid. It’s not gratuitous, but he manages to sneak a few more tears in.
We’re back to Scott’s party. The first to arrive is Alyn, who proclaims Scott’s apartment “cute.” Scott counters with “It’s so gay!” Now is that your life or your apartment, Scott? It’s already 8:30 and Scott wonders where everyone is. This is when Alyn tells him that the directions he gave everyone were wrong. Clearly, last week’s Freaky Friday body switch with Edward is a thing of the past. The world has returned to normal. Alyn and Scott both get on the phone to call everyone who was invited, so they can give them the correct directions.
Jonathan tells his shrink that this all goes back to school and how he didn’t do well academically. Yes, but I’m sure your hair was perfect, wasn’t it Jonathan? As an adult, Jonathan says that graduating from beauty school – finishing something – was a big deal. He tells her that he has a fear of being exposed. Or maybe he said exposing himself. I sort of zoned out for a while there.
Back at Scott’s the party is kicking into high gear… well as high a gear as a party in a studio apartment can get. Barbie Kelly shows up, followed by Edward, Kiara and a number of others. The apartment looks packed. If they want to get any more people into that room, they’ll have to pull out the lubricant.
At the shrink, Jonathan revisits his dealings with Zorbit Scott. He tells her that, if this were Top Gun, Scott would be Ice. Really though, I don’t think Scott would look a fraction as hot as Val Kilmer did in that beach volleyball scene all tanned and sweaty and…..sorry… where was I? Oh yeah, so Jonathan thinks that the thing that bothers him about Scott is the way Scott belittles him. He says that, as a kid, he had a temper, but the punching the door thing (from the last episode) was not normal for him as an adult. From the little we’ve heard about Jonathan’s childhood, I think we can all tell that it was not Mayberry. The shrink asks Jonathan if he thinks that he needs to make an apology to Scott. What? Any apology to Scott should go like this: “I’m sorry you are such a jerk Scott.”
Back at Party Central, Scott has become the self-proclaimed “Bar Bitch” – stuck in the kitchen pouring Sangria for everyone. This is the difference between hairdressers and other people. If a bunch of twentysomething co-workers got together to party after work, they wouldn’t be drinking homemade Sangria – it’d be a keg and a box of wine….. and Ritz crackers and Rice Krispies treats.
The party has gotten a little crowded and some people have moved out into the hallway. I’m sure Scott’s neighbors are thrilled about the party, and the cameras, in their hallway. The hallway is apparently where they bitter people are gathering. Kim, Alyn and Edward are all standing around bitching about Kiara and her baby. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that she brought her baby to the party? They continue to complain about how Kiara keeps bringing the baby to work, even though she can afford a sitter. I have to agree with them on this.
I’m Okay. You’re Okay
As a result of his therapy session, Jonathan decides to play the bigger man (not just the man with the bigger head) and drives on over to Zorbit to “deal” with Scott. It would have been nice if “dealing” with Scott involved violence, shouting or at least a good wedgie, but no dice. Scott seems nervous, like Jonathan is about to go all psychotic on him. I have to interject and say that this is the first time that Scott’s clothes don’t look like they’re wearing him. They sit down and, as Jonathan tells him how great the packaging is (I swear) Scott looks like he’s about to tear up. We have a little bonding moment, as they seem to realize that they both act like jackasses to mask the fact that they’re really emotional cripples. Jonathan apologizes and asks if he can see the packaging again. You almost expect to see a montage of them skipping through a field of daisies and eating ice cream together.
Jonathan is doing a photo shoot featuring four “hot, young” actresses from the show Passions. They all look young. I’ll have to take his word on the “hot” part since I don’t watch Passions. All I know is that none of them is the orangutan or the witch from Nanny and the Professor - those are the only characters I know from that show. Joining Jonathan at the shoot are Erica, Kevin and current doormat….er… assistant, Clarissa.
At the Beverly Hills salon, the Kiara bashing continues. A mother and her daughter show up for a makeover appointment with Kiara. The daughter, who looks to be about 16 or 17, wants to go from a “punky” look (badly highlighted hair, candy necklaces – really, it’s more like Punky Brewster, than PUNK) to what the mother calls “normal.” Since Kiara has candy colored hair herself, you can see her bristling. She goes to Alyn and asks him to take the client. Alyn does take the client and does a beautiful job with her. She looks cute, without looking like a Stepford cheerleader. Alyn says that Kiara made a mistake turning down the client and that a good stylist should be able to adapt to what the client wants, rather than imposing a style on them. He says that, if the girl’s mother was happy, she might refer 10 more clients to him. Kiara seems to be more interested in keeping her “edge.” Someone should tell Kiara that her edge dulled when she accepted a job at a high-end salon in Beverly Hills.
At the Passions photo shoot, we see the Jonathan getting the girls ready for the camera. Honestly, they look good, but how hard is it to make these girls look good? They’re all about 22, have perfect skin and probably each weigh about 2 pounds… soaking wet… holding a brick. As the photographer begins, Jonathan shows, once again, that he knows best as he butts in and tells the girls how to move for the camera. “Dance!” he tells them. Then he calls for a wind machine. I was waiting for Jonathan to grab the camera or for the photographer to tell him to mind his business, but sadly, neither happens.
From Bunny Rabbits to Pussycat Dolls
Jonathan is on his way to Las Vegas for the opening of his sister’s Pussycat Doll Lounge at Caesar’s Palace. When he arrives, all the girls run to say hello. I’m not sure if this is because they’re just fame whores and want some camera time or if it’s because they think he’s that hot. It could also be the old “sucking up to the boss’s brother” thing. Sister Robin tells Jonathan that she needs him to “bang it out.” The Cheap Sexual Joke of the Week is a do-it-yourself deal this week. I think I’ve just given you the lead in.
While the rest of Team Jonathan (which, surprise, surprise, includes Stripper Bobby) is setting up, we learn that Michael is late again. Remember a few episodes back when he wanted to take a shower instead of get to the B. Michael fashion show on time? This week, his excuse is that he got stopped and turned back by airport security because of all the hair dye he had in his bag. At least his excuses are creative. Jonathan tells us that he thinks Michael would be late for his own funeral…. And if he doesn’t get there soon, they’re going to test that theory.
Jonathan gets Michael on the phone and asks where he is. Michael says that they turned him back at the airport because of the hair dye. Jonathan asks Michael if he was late getting to the airport. Michael, who lies like a 5 year-old, says “NoooOO.” Uh-huh. When Michael finally shows up – after Jonathan told him to get there in minutes – we find that he stopped to get lunch because he was “starving.” The only thing more puzzling that Michael’s behavior is why Jonathan keeps relying on him for things.
It’s a flurry of hair and cleavage as the team gets the girls ready for the show. This episode ends just they way Jonathan would want it: lingering shots of T & A as the Pussycat Dolls perform. In voice-over, Jonathan can barely stand it. He exclaims “SO Hot!” over and over again, but tells us that the most important thing was that the hair was perfect. Of course.
Next week: Jonathan takes a field trip to the factory to see Jonathan Product being bottled up and someone foolishly lets him drive a forklift. Also, he clashes with the people at QVC over his very essence.
Waiting for reviews of the new Jonathan Product at Critical@fansofrealitytv.com