Here I sit today feeling generally blah. Very little sleep last night thanks to hormonal fluctuations. Every year this monthly ritual seems to get worse and worse. My doctor would like for me to go on the pill but I don't need to prevent pregnancy and this few days of discomfort doesn't warrant me to take hormones in my opinion. My mother died from ovarian cancer which began to grow the moment she went on hormone replacement therapy. No no for me.
I'm exhausted and cranky but will put up a front for my hubby and son. All I really want to do is climb into bed and sleep. Dinner needs to be prepared, dishes cleaned, homework checked and so on. Sometimes being a woman is really not fun at all. Sure we get to buy neat clothes and the shoe selection is to die for but at what cost? lol
Ice cream is in the cards so I shall be leaving soon to buy myself a pint of Ben and Jerry's and eat away my pain for at least 20 minutes.
To all of you who have to deal with this either yourself or your loved ones hugs to you!

buglover

My grandmother had this in her belongings and although she wasn't spiritual at all, it touched me to read this after she had passed. I don't know when she had gotten this poem, or from whom. It could have been a loss of a friend or my own mother's passing that made her keep this.


I AM FREE

Don't grieve for me, for now I'm free
I'm following the path God laid for me
I took His hand when I heard Him call
I turned my back and left it all.
I could not stay another day, to laugh,
to love, to work or play.
Tasks undone must stay that way
I've found that peace at the close of the day.

If parting has left a void, then fill it
with remembered joy.
A friendship shared, a laugh, a kiss,
Ah, yes, these things I too will miss.

Be not burdened with times of sorrow
I wish for you the sunshine of tomorrow.
My life's been full, I savored much
Good friends, good times,
a loved one's touch.

Perhaps my time seemed all to brief,
Don't lengthen it now with undue grief.
Lift up your hearts and share with me,
God wants me now, He set me free.

buglover

Well my son went away for the weekend camping with some neighbors. It was a nice quiet weekend until I stopped and thought about how he's only going to be a "boy" for 3 more years. At 18 I'm going to have to let go and allow him to make his own mistakes and take on the world. This is so scary to me. I literally felt my breathing stop. It's always been he and I against the world. Soon I will never have the excuse I can't go away because I have a child who needs me. Yikes!
Then the thoughts of having another child creep into my mind. I still have a good 5 years to have a child but seriously do I want to sacrifice my life yet again for 18 more years to take care of a child? Oh my....I do believe my little clock is ticking loudly in my head and I must resist! It's a darn good thing mr buglover cannot have anymore children!! I'm going to ignore that nagging voice in my head, the one that tells me to look at the beautiful pregnant woman on the street and feel envy because I know I have nothing to be envious about! I have an amazing son who will so be an amazing young man. Phew! I feel better now.

buglover

As most already know, my grannie annie passed away in January. I honestly didn't think it would hurt this much. We were close in the non-traditional close family way. We didn't talk on the phone or get together much, but while my mother was alive, my grandmother was a key part of my life. Seeing her after my mother's death was very difficult. Mom and Grannie looked almost identical in the face and I felt sad each time I entered the home.

I miss her because I miss the stories she would tell about her life. We aren't by nature a sharing family so you have to ask generally for information. Grannie Annie was such an amazing woman who survived an enormous amount of things. She was born in 1918 and went through the depression. She also had to take care of her sister and her mother who had diabetes. My grannie had 5 children (my mother was the oldest) and worked as a nurse when my grandfather became too ill to bring in money. When he died, she was the sole provider to 3 of the 5 children. My mother and oldest uncle moved out shortly after moving from Michigan to California.
My grannie annie took care of me often while my mother went on trips, etc. She would make the two of us dinner and we would play cards or watch her shows. When my mother became ill and died my grandmother pushed through her grief and was the stone foundation for our family. When my oldest uncle passed away I felt for her in so many ways but she bounced back.
Her birthday is on Sunday and she would have been 90 years old. The houses are getting ready for sale and my family is all over the place in the US. We will no longer have the central meeting place that has been there for 40 years.
The fondest memory I have of my grannie annie is her taking care of when I was a teen with mono. On Monday I will ask all of my friends to think of her and send warmth and light her way on her journey.
I thank you all for being here, without your wonderful words of encouragement and support, I would be a mess.

buglover