Again, the ticking of old Father Time's stopwatch hath brought us to and beyond the illustrious date of February the 14th, where lovers young and old, attractive and ugly, and even perhaps real and imaginary, celebrate their affections by purchasing merchandise that is not at all seasonally inflated in price. No, not one bit.

One of the most popular gifts for a young suitor to present to his little sugar-pop is a bouquet of flowers. But, alas! Many of these naive little Robins fail to realize that, behind each petal and stalk, there is a meaning attributed to nearly every variety of flower. Ergo, one must take care, lest he commit an accidental faux-pas and be left to watch his Marian trot off into the bushes with the Black Knight. (Take that as you will.)

Does this all sound a little too close to home? Well, never fear, lads! Mantenna is here to help, and it's never too early to think about next year with the 2009 St. Valentine's Day Bonanza Flower Guide!

Roses, probably the most popular flower, come in a variety of colors. What statement does each color whisper in the wind and through the Baby's Breath filler that you added for an extra $5.00? I will teach you.

1) Red Roses = FINALLY, I'm gonna get lucky. High five, bro!

2) Black Roses = Ooh, look at me. I'm all edgy and gothy and probably play some sort of live-action vampire RPG.

3) Blue Roses = This color is not found in nature and, therefore, is an abomination before God and man.

4) Pink Roses = Red roses' weak, 85-pound, homeschooled little siblings. A consolation prize.

5) Purple Roses = Same as #3, but probably indicates that the giver is also some sort of mythical beast.

6) White Roses = Christ the Lord is risen today! Hallelujah!

7) Green Roses = I can count my number of teeth on my hands. OR, I bought these too late and they didn't have time to ripen. Looks like I'm not getting lucky this time!

8) Yellow Roses = "I'm just not that into you." Frequently accompanies Carnations and no calls back.

9) Lavender Roses = I'm not gay! I swear, guys!

10) Dead Roses = I will soon have a stiletto heel lodged in my forehead.

But, hey, let's face it. Roses are cliche and contrived! If you really want to show how "unique" and insufferable you are, why not try a more interesting flower?

Orchids = Pretense
Iris = Zeitgeist
Daisies = Mental illness
Tulips = Criminal record
Calla Lily = Chirality
Amaryllis = Hygiene
Hydrangea = Ethical flexibility
Anthurium = Outer space
Daffodils = Judaism
Chrysanthemums = Vigilante justice
Carnations = Impending doom
Lilacs = Misanthropy
Birds of Paradise = SQUAWK
Tiger Lily = Probability
Peony = Indicates fetish
Anemone = I am a scuba diver
Sunflowers = Transcendence
Aster = Panic
Gladiolus = Industrialization
Thistle = Undying love

Mantenna

Most songs I consider all time faves have some monumental or sentimental meaning. They don't necessarily have to be classics in the sense of The Beatles "White Album" or The Beach Boys "Pet Sounds" but rather songs that accompany your life story.

Interestingly, the songs that remind me of great or sad times are generally not the greatest or creative of hits. They're usually sugary (see the Aqua reference below) or any Top 40 you hear on your way to work or morphed into Muzak.

The only constant is these songs were playing during the significant points in my life:

T'Pau- Heart and Soul. Summer 1987. Until the summer of 2000, it was the greatest summer of my life. It was also the first summer I fell in love.

R.E.M.- Wendell Gee. 1988. There's something about this melancholy tune that resonated.

U2- Rattle and Hum. 1990. The whole album. Ski trips and stops to KFC for Chicken Littles with the boys.

Counting Crows- Round Here. 1994. My 21st birthday. Boston.

Aqua- Dr. Jones. 1998. Huh? Yep, that's no typo. It would take another blog to explain this one. A very long blog.

Ol' Dirty Bastard (fet. kellis)- Got Your Money. 2000. Best. Summer. Ever.

Don McLean- American Pie. 2001 - 2003. Last call at Tequila Jacks- Portsmouth, NH. That bar had probably one of the coolest ways to end a night. They no longer do it. I lived to tell about it. Muggy summer nights at the pizza shop and sliders at Gillys topped it all off.

Linkin Park- In The End. November 2002. The Roll. If you weren't there, you'd never understand.

Chantal Kreviazuk- Surrounded. 2003. I slow danced with a movie star when this song played. Only I didn't know she was a movie star. There's a few ups and downs in this story.

Breaking Benjamin- Forget It. 2006. I don't own or listen to single thing this band has released with the exception of this song. I should either curse or love Devyn for this song.

So anyways, there's a sampling of tunes that instantly spark a memory from days gone by. Maybe I've jogged your brain about some obscure song that played a big part in your life- "Mary's Prayer" by Danny Wilson anyone? Anyone?

speedbump