*Sniff* Pass me a tissue, would ya? No, I'm not crying because I'm faced with another 2 hours of show this week. I got medication for that a long time ago. (Like, a couple seasons ago.) I just - *sob* - can't seem to get over the fact both Courtney and Brett are both gonzo from the competition. How are we supposed to move on when the very first thing we see this week are the tears not even getting a chance to dry on the no-longer-chubby cheeks of the remaining contestants? How, I ask you...oh, a trip to New Zealand. Yeah, a free trip to another hemisphere would perk anyone up. Ali Sweeney is pleased to announce that the Losers will travel to the land of the Kiwi. Why NZ? No idea, but hey, why not. Kaylee and Moses are particularly delighted, since the family homeland of Tongo is close by. Oh lord..."Moses" and "family" in the same sentence. Excuse me while I step out for a jumbo-size box of Puffs Plus.
I'm back. I have a cold so my tissue supply is actually pretty good right now. The Losers, though they no longer need extra seats on a plane, are getting the chance for premium digs for the 13-hour flight. The flight attendant throws a trivia question at them: How high is the Sky Tower in Auckland? Not to keep you in suspense, it's 1,076 feet. Olivia, perhaps feeling oxygen-deprived from the heavy exercise load of late, doesn't know where Auckland is and guesses the tower is 11,000 feet. I'm not saying she's dumb - hey, maybe she thought she was competing at guessing the amount of a recliner on The Price is Right - but the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, the WORLD'S tallest building, is 2,717 feet. Austin, whose guess is considerably closer (and nowhere near as stupid) wins the comfy seat.
So, New Zealand is freakin' gorgeous, in case you were wondering. The contestants convene on a grassy knoll and Ali congratulates them on losing a combined total of 1,020 lbs thus far. We are unsure what Olivia might compare that too, but even arithmetic-challenged me knows that is just over a half-ton. Olivia, just so you know - that's closer to your dad's pickup than it is to an adult elephant. Then Ali finds it necessary to chat with Moses about how his dad was educated in Auckland. If you missed it, it's okay, because they only mention it about 1,482 times during the show. Then everyone troops over to the aforementioned Sky Tower, where Cara is anxiously awaiting them. As Cara appears anxious at the best of times, no one is alarmed. The Losers must climb the 51 flights of stairs to the top of the Tower, a mini-challenge which they all rock.
Bob is already at the top to greet them, and if it was anybody but Bob, I'd say they probably took the elevator. Bob offers them two ways down - the stairs, or Jillian's method, which is to dangle from a harness and cable over the side and then be dropped to the ground. Now seriously, what sane person wouldn't choose Jillian's way? All that screaming looks awesome. I'm not even being sarcastic because I would do it in a heartbeat. Unfortunately there's a weight limit of 280 lbs, which leaves out Moses and Rulon. Jay's plunge is also nixed due to his heart condition. Everyone else is beside themselves with excitement, save for Ken, who has a deathly fear of heights. As it turns out, so does Bob (Jillian interjects that the only thing Bob fears more than heights is aging, hee hee). Bob and Ken make a deal that if Bob jumps, Ken will too. So everyone takes the leap and it's way cool and I'm totally jealous I'm not there so I grab a tissue because I'm tearing up a bit again.
Bob allows Moses the use of his phone to call his dad to let him know Moses is in Auckland. I hold my box of Puffs out to the TV screen and hope Bob has some handy.
Time for more Kiwi craziness, and the Losers troop out to the water, where they'll board a racing yacht from the America's Cup and do some sailing. The captain bellowing orders brings back fond memories of a whitewater rafting trip I took a few years back, which was led by a contingent of loony but fun (and good-looking) Kiwi guides. These dudes take their outdoor sports seriously and they are supremely confident that even when you're paddling in class 5 rapids you won't get hurt. Much. The Losers hoist sails and crank winches, and no one falls overboard. In other words, much safer than the previously-mentioned whitewater excursion.
Back to weight loss. Ken has lost faith in Cara and wants to jump ship over to Bob and Jillian's camp. Cara's reaction is so explosive, I check the channel to make sure I'm not watching Jerry Springer. Cara yells and bugs out her eyes, while Bob and Jillian quietly scoop up her other Green Team members, Austin and Kaylee, to work out with their teams. In the end, Cara promises to slavishly devote herself to Ken. Which, I guess, is like second prize.
Since travel is murder on weight loss, says Jillian - and you know it's true - the contestants are going to run a 5K, Kiwi-style (Kiwi-style=really hard and potentially dangerous). The route extends over some rough terrain, including sand dunes and hills. The Losers must run as teams and finish with their teammates. The prize for 1st place is a helicopter ride to an outlying island (NO, not Tongo) and a lunch. And ugh, Blue wins, causing Moses to dissolve once again. Then Olivia and Irene decide to forgo their portion of the prize and send Kaylee with Moses. I would tell you what happens but at this point, the tissue budget is out of control.
In the I'll-give-you-something-to-cry-about portion of the show, it's last chance workout time and the "warm-up" is Jillian-style calisthenics. If you've ever endured a Jillian Michaels workout DVD, you will weep for them at this point. Then Bob tosses in a yoga workout of his own, and if you've ever done advanced yoga, then you know to follow up with yoga is just plain mean. Cara, feeling left out, pulls Ken aside after for extra cardio.
Because I've actually been entertained thus far, I'm almost surprised it's weigh-in time. Almost.
Olivia, start weight 174, down to 172
Irene, start weight 164, down to 161
Moses, start weight 286, remains at 286
5 lbs lost, .80%
Jay, start weight 270, up to 272. Bad Jay, make Jillian angry.
Rulon, start weight 318, down to 311. Good Rulon, make Jillian happy.
Hannah, start weight 168, down to 164
9 lbs lost, 1.19%
Kaylee, start weight 168, up to 172. Cue horrified gasps.
Austin, start weight 263, down to 255
Ken, start weight 253, down to 247
10 lbs lost, 1.46%
The reaction? Cara is thrilled that she did it. Made Kaylee gain 4 lbs? Oh, no, she's taking credit for Ken's loss. At any rate, the Blue Team lose the weigh-in and because Irene was the biggest loser among them, Olivia and Moses are on the chopping block. Olivia begs to stay and surprisingly, Moses offers himself up as the sacrificial lamb because he already has a family. Yes, we know, Moses. Everyone cries, as usual. Moses heads home and from a competition start weight of 440 lbs, he's now 273. You know what that means - BUNGEEEEE! He drags his elderly father on a trip back to New Zealand and forces him to witness his son bungee jump off a bridge. He cries, therefore letting us know that excess emotion runs in the family. I'm off to dry my tears and book another whitewater rafting trip.