It’s the week we’ve all been waiting for, sort of. Finally, the names and faces of the “Unknown Trainers” are revealed, and if you haven’t read the spoilers online…well, you still won’t be shocked because like me, you probably never heard of these people.
As expected, the Unknowns are fit and pretty and committed to
acquiring fameweight loss. Cara Castronuova, whose name just sent my spell check into an epileptic fit, is preternaturally thin for a two-time Golden Gloves champion boxer, though apparently that’s exactly what she is. I suppose she’ll be fine as long as Jillian doesn’t challenge her to an arm-wrestling contest. Brett Hoebel is an actual fitness trainer, unlike Cara, and a martial artist who practices various disciplines. He’s got diet cred as well, being a former overweight teen. Of the two, Brett is more charismatic and probably more qualified, but the duo certainly love the boxing ring and it’s reflected in their training methods.
In the spirit of working together but at the same time encouraging over-the-top competitiveness, Team Bob/Jillian and Team Unknown Trainers (who should really be Team New Trainers – TNT – but Ali is relentless in calling them “The Unknowns” so who am I to nitpick?) are meeting at the beach for a challenge. As challenges go, this one is as silly as it gets: The teams are on opposite sides of a free-standing wall. Each competitor is given a raw egg and a frying pan. Everyone must balance their egg on the underside of the pan, and the last one standing on each side will – gasp! – win a lunch with TBL darling Curtis Stone, who will in turn give the winning two a chance to compete for a 2-pound advantage at the weigh-in. Team UT, not requiring special favors as they are still enjoying immunity, can save the advantage for when their 4-week grace period is over.
Team UT huddles and devises a strategy, if throwing the challenge = strategy. The Yellow Team, who are proving to be champion DB meatheads and The Team We Will Just Hate, Not Love To Hate, are clearly in charge of Team UT and lead the decision to give Pink Team member Denise the win. The entire team except for Denise launch their eggs over the wall towards Team BJ, who are surprisingly unrattled. The Team BJ ladies are all anxious for a chance to schmooze with Chef Stone, but Aqua Team mom Marci prevails. No word on how excited Curtis was to spend the afternoon with two adoring baby-boomers that are probably his mom’s age.
Dr. Huzienga delivers the Health Scores to Team UT – yes, they’re as dire as you would expect, and Moses is the lucky recipient of HIS ACTUAL DATE OF DEATH. You know, if Dr. H is going to predict death, at least get some better graphics on his computer monitor – maybe a headstone that slowly inches its way up from the bottom of the screen, with a creepy skeleton giggling in the background. Then it would be cool instead of looking like a free-download iPhone app. (Shake your iPhone once to find out the name of your true love, twice to find out the date of your death!)
Anyway. Marci and Denise arrive to flirt with Curtis and be his unpaid sous-chefs. The challenge for the ladies is to determine how many calories are in Curtis’ lunch. They assist Curtis in preparing an arugula salad with roasted squash, pine nuts and pomegranate seeds, halibut on a bed of (I think) quinoa, and a poached pear dessert. Marci guess 480 calories, while Denise lowballs with 440. The actual total is 572, and the women silently curse out the chef for feeding them half their daily calories in one lousy lunch. Marci wins the 2-lb advantage prize to share with daughter Courtney at the weekly weigh-in.
Time for yet another challenge, and it’s Team BJ on their own to compete to be the team who gets the sole vote at the weigh-in. The teams must pump water into a drum (over 100 pounds when filled) and drag the drum a quarter mile to a row of barrels. The water is to be poured in opposing teams’ barrels. Teams will be eliminated when their barrel is full. The female teams – Purple, Aqua, and Orange – rapidly decide to work together to ensure Irene, the only member of the Orange Team, will win and vote on their behalf. The ladies are successful and Irene will wield all the voting power at the evening’s weigh-in.
And just-like-that, we’re at the scale, where Ali has donned a matronly and unattractive but figure-flattering black dress. She lets everyone know that Team UT had a great weigh-in, and we’re shown clips of people celebrating. Until immunity is up for grabs, however, we’re apparently not meant to really care so details are few.
Without further ado:
Marci, start weight 218, this week 211
Courtney, start weight 298, this week 292
With the 2-lb advantage, 2.91%
Irene, start weight 232, this week 224, 3.45%
Jay, start weight 364, this week 350
Jen, start weight 250, this week 242, 3.58%
Jesse, start weight 278, this week 269
Art, start weight 463, this week 459, 1.75%
Hannah, start weight 226, this week 220
Olivia, start weight 239, this week 233, 2.58%
Dan, start weight 263, this week 272
Don, start weight 280, this week 289, +3.31%
Let the inner raging and head-shaking begin! As the Black Team, who have been making whiny noises all week about going home – particularly Dan, who misses his young daughter – shrug their shoulders and pretend to be surprised, Bob is calm but sniffily offended, while Jillian grits her teeth and claims to be sad, not angry. She stomps out without offering farewell hugs to the cop twins, while Art tries not to look overly happy.
Like the Brown Team twins of last year – or was it the season before? - it doesn’t really matter which Black member goes home, so Irene’s vote sends Dan home to his wife and kid. Dan succeeds admirably with his at-home weight loss (making me think he just didn’t care for being bossed around by Jillian) and nets a 72-lb loss, making him a reasonably trim 215. If he can leave those station-house doughnuts alone, he just might be OK.
Next week brings a minor shake-up, with one Team BJ duo heading over to the Team UT camp. So will that be determined by a pair being a challenge winner or a challenge loser?