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Thread: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

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    Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    Welcome back to another season of The Biggest Loser! Yes, I know we had that little “Did They Keep the Weight Off?” business last week, but that was merely a bit of teasing and foreplay. This is the main event. There will be crying, there will be sweating, there will be whining and, of course, there will be Bob *sound of birds singing*. Oh yeah, and whatserface….Fitness Barbie Kim is there too.

    The first episode of any long-running reality show contains its fair share of self-congratulatory hoo hah (<----technical TV term) and this show is no different. The voice over informs us that The Biggest Loser is now a global phenomenon, a way of life, a bloody revolution. And this year? It’s going to be bigger than ever. The voice over guy said lots of other stuff too but I just got so excited when he said that Bob is back that I kind of zoned out. Also this season is the most un-shocking twist in reality TV history. It’s un-shocking, at least for us viewers, since it’s been shown in ever commercial for the last 3 months. In case you have been under a rock (or glued to the BB feeds 24/7), Mistress Jillian, Personal Trainer of the Night has returned. Apparently, her fitness website didn’t do as well as she thought it would. This season, MJ will be training her own team in secret. In total, we’ll begin with 18 contestants, including a paramedic, a single mom and a 62 year old, who we’ll be constantly reminded, is the oldest contestant on The Biggest Loser. Ever.

    Our episode – and our season - officially begins in the Mojave Desert with all eighteen contestants walking side-by-side toward some unknown destination. They finally arrive and are greeted by Alison Sweeney, our new host. She is very blonde. The kind of blonde that makes you squint and reach for your sunglasses. Ali says she’s been a fan of The Biggest Loser since the first season and feels a kinship with the contestants. She practically went through puberty on Days of Our Lives and dealt with weight issues of her own. She tells the contestants that change can be scary and she knows how hard it is. So far on the show, 6,500 pounds have been lost on the Biggest Loser scale and 23 million calories have been burned. She asks the group if they’re ready to add to those totals and they answer enthusiastically. This is because they haven’t yet had their spirits broken.

    It seems someone pissed off the Jell-O people, because this season we have a new sponsor for the big prize money. This year, Nabisco 100 Calorie Packs will be providing the $250,000 to the winner of the show. None of the contestants actually care where the money is coming from, they just want it.

    The Part Where I Squeal and Clap
    Now it’s time for the most anticipated moment of the show….for me. Here come the trainers. Alison directs everyone’s attention to a plane thousands of feet above them. Bob and Kim will skydive out of the plane and will be waiting for the contestants once they land. The first person to reach each trainer will become the captain of their team and will then choose the members of their team. The bad news, Ali tells everyone, is that not everyone will be chosen: six people will be going home tonight. Broken hearted. Sorry, wrong show. Anyway, they’re in the plane, they’re jumping, there you go. On the ground, Jerry, 62, worries that he won’t have a chance in this race because of his age.

    Up in the plane, Bob and Kim prepare to jump. Kim tries to reassure Bob that he’ll be okay. Really, I don’t know what the big deal is – they’re jumping tandem, which basically means they have someone strapped to their back, taking care of everything. Easy. Before you write in and tell me I don’t know what I’m talking about, calm down. I’ve jumped solo and, really, it’s not that scary. So there. Enough of my bragging, it’s time for our trainers to get a little face time. In her video, Kim tells us it feels great to not be the newbie any more. She’s not going to be afraid to be herself and push her team. Next up is Bob. Honestly, I couldn’t tell you one thing he said in his video because, as soon as they showed the footage of his without his shirt on, my ears started buzzing. Really, it’s slightly pathetic how smitten I am…..with his abs.

    The Bhutan Death March, With Cheering and Clapping
    On the ground, the players begin the race to meet their trainers. Bob hits the ground before Kim and they both get unhooked from their rigs (Skydiving lingo. Really). It seems like they’re about a mile away. Is it really wise to make obese people run a mile through the desert? Still, they all seem game. Kae says she’s really excited and plans to keep a steady pace. As the contestants spread out along the race route, Jerry pulls out in front. Yay for the old guy! Amber stops to catch her breath and realizes how out of shape she really is.

    Bob calls this race a wake-up call for the contestants. As the race continues, Jerry manages to stay out in front, with Phil keeping close behind. Jerry maintains his lead and runs right to Bob, just as I would do. Phil runs to Kim and we have our team leaders. Phil immediately picks Kim up and swings her around. That seems to happen a lot with Kim. The third to finish is Bill, followed by Nicole and the rest of the contestants. Everyone arrives to hugs and congratulations. All except for Amber, who is still plugging along. The others actually go out and walk back with her. When Amber finally finishes the race, she breaks down….more than she did before. Alison congratulates everyone and then pulls Jerry and Phil aside. She gives special props to Jerry, who she says is the oldest contestant. I’m sure Jerry will be reminded of his age about 5 times every episode.

    Just Like High School
    Before we begin the process of demoralizing those who don’t get chosen for a team, everyone heads down to the Last Chance Diner so that they can all suck up to Jerry and Phil get to know each other. Jerry is happy to be the team leader, but isn’t feeling so great about having to send people home. At the diner, everyone take time to get to know each other and to tell their stories. No one is identified by name, so I have no idea who they are. This is why I don’t watch Survivor – too many names to remember. Once they get down to about 12 people, I’ll be good.

    Soon enough, it’s time to choose teams. Here’s how things fall out:

    Blue Team
    Jerry Lisenby, 62, Peoria, Illinois
    Kae Whang, 27, Clark, New Jersey, discharged from military due to her weight. Jerry picks her for her spunk.
    Neil Tejwani, 25, Marblehead, Massachusetts, chemical engineer, sick of being overweight and afraid about health problems
    Patty Gonzalez, 34, San Diego, California, wife and mother and senior loan officer at a credit union, has a liver disease that will take her life if she doesn’t lose weight
    Nicole Michalik, 26, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, receptionist
    Ryan Rodriguez, 29, Jackson Heights, New York, corporate litigations attorney

    Red Team
    Phil Hawk, 27, Powell, Ohio, husband and father, would-be firefighter
    Bryan Washington, 29, Riverdale, Georgia, musician and high school teacher, feels almost debilitated over his weight gain
    Amber Walker, 30, Houston, Texas, paramedic
    Amy Zimmer, 28, Rochester, New York, first grade teacher
    David Griffin, 31, Cedar Hill, Tennessee, married father of 4
    Lezlye Donahue, 34, Metairie, Louisiana, Hurricane Katrina survivor and pharmaceutical rep

    The remaining six clap and try to act like they’re happy for the chosen ones. One of them just shifts back and forth as he stares at the ground. So, not all of them are trying to act like they’re happy for the others. Alison directs the newly-minted Blue and Red Teams onto a bus to ride into their thin and healthy futures. Bob calls to those left behind, saying he wants to see them thin at the finale. The leftovers wave goodbye to the bus and contemplate going back into the diner to dive into a vat of French fries.

    Welcome to Your Nightmare
    And then they were all left in the desert. To die. Bwahahaha! Not really, although I fully expect to see that show on Fox next year. Hollie thinks that she must have been viewed as a threat and that’s why she wasn’t chosen. Look no further – here’s the delusional one of the season. Julie is crushed by what feels like one more rejection. Jim is just angry, especially at himself for not winning the race to become team captain. He feels like he deserves to be there more than anyone else. Jez, through tears, tells us that he’ll be okay: he has lots of people who love him and care about him….he just needs to start caring about himself. I just want to hug him.

    Alison tells the remaining six how sorry she is but tells them that, even without Bob and Kim, they can still change their lives. She wishes them luck and disappears. Cut to a motorcycle emerging from the desert and passing the Blue and Red Teams as their bus heads in the other direction. The motorcycle pulls into the parking lot and, before we even see who it is (as if we don’t know), Julie says “Please God, tell me it’s Jillian.” That’s a reality TV watcher right there. She knows all the twists. Sure enough, it is Mistress Jillian. She pulls off her gloves and helmet and tells them that they are not going home. Everyone screams and cheers. They will be screaming later for a different reason.

    Jillian gathers her new Black Team, telling them that soon, they’ll wish they had been sent home. Julie is still naively excited. Jillian is a machine, she says. Yes, and so was the Terminator. Isabeau says she wants to be the first female Biggest Loser and Jillian can help her reach that goal. Jillian tells us that, after a year away, it feels like she’s coming home. The Black Team will be a secret team and they will be re-entering the game in two weeks.

    Meet the Black Team:
    Bill Germanakos, 40, Long Island, New York, medical sales, competing with his twin brother
    Jim Germanakos, 40, Long Island, New York, police officer and volunteer firefighter
    Hollie Self, 28, Phoenix, Arizona, teacher and cheerleading coach. The first comments about her weight came at age 10 when she was called “fat pig”
    Isabeau Miller, 21,Franklin, Tennessee, singer
    Jez Luckett, 24, Garden, Kansas, works with specially abled children
    Julie Hadden, 34, Jacksonville, Florida, wife and mother, former pageant queen

    Meanwhile, Back at the Ranch
    The bus carrying both teams pulls up and Alison is there to greet them. She points out the obvious: they are not at the Biggest Loser Ranch. This season, there will be no frills, no pampering and no distractions. They will be focusing on learning a new way of life. Therefore, welcome to the Biggest Loser Campus. It’s all baptism by fire today, so it’s time for them to all get changed for the first weigh-in, i.e. their first humiliating turn in spandex and sports bras. For the first time, the trainers are present at the weigh-in too.

    Red Team
    Phil: 403 pounds. Phil is upset because he always vowed to never get above 400 pounds.
    Amber: 295 pounds
    David: 368 pounds
    Lezlye: 255 pounds. She grimaces at the number and Alison promises her that it will get better.
    Brian: 346 pounds. He says he faced one of biggest fears today - taking shirt off in front of people.
    Amy: 297 pounds

    Blue Team
    Jerry: 297 pounds. Jerry says this is not his proudest moment, but he vows to work hard.
    Kae; 225 pounds
    Ryan: 374 pounds
    Patty: 280 pounds
    Nicole; 279 pounds
    Neil: 421 pounds. Neil says it’s scary that a 25-year old can get that big.

    Ali says can understand that they might feel hopeless, but they’re there to make change and the trainers are there to help them.

    Thank You Sir, May I Have Another?
    Meanwhile, Jillian is already abusing the Black Team. They’re still in the desert and she’s got them lifting giant tires. Jillian tells us that her plan is the same as before: beatings, beatings, beatings. She’s such a caring nurturer. She screams at her team and threatens that they had better not let her find the reason they weren’t chosen for the Blue or Red Teams. She then has them do commando crawls through the sand and Isabeau falls apart, but manages to crawl while she cries. Julie proudly tells us she did the work out and she didn’t cry. Give it time, honey. Give it time.

    Back at the campus, the Blue and Red Teams work out in relative comfort. Bob immediately gets his team onto the treadmills. He says his workouts are hard for a reason – he wants them to know how hard it is and how hard they would have to work out to burn off all that junk food they’ve been eating. Neil says this is the hardest thing he’s ever done in his life. The Red Team has taken it outside where Kim has them running. Amber is whining. It seems she thinks Kim should have eased them into things. Has she never seen this show? Amber whines that she wants to go home. Seriously? Five minutes into the first workout and she wants to leave? In my universe that would earn her an immediate elimination. Kim tries to give Amber a pep talk, telling her she can do it. Kim says she’ll have to work hard with Amber to help her feel strong and powerful. Amber will be the one I want to strangle this season ….if she lasts that long

    If It Had a Mother, It’s Protein
    It’s time for the nutrition lecture/product placement portion of the episode. Bob meets with his team in the kitchen for some tips on healthier eating. His first tip: chew Wrigley’s sugar free gum instead of snacking. I’m not even going to comment on that. Bob tells his team that it’s all about metabolism. They will maintain a strict schedule and must eat protein with every meal.

    Kim gives her team the diet talk too. She tells them that her Biggest Loser diet is simple – they’ll be eating carbs, protein and fat with each meal. She tells them their bodies are toxic right now and they need to get cleansed. I swear, if they go get enemas, I’m quitting.

    Since telling the teams how they have to eat just isn’t enough, Bob and Kim have a fun little surprise for them. Everyone is blindfolded and the trainers lead them into a room where, upon removing their blindfolds, they see tables loaded with every sort of unhealthy food you can imagine. Each table has a sign with the name of a contestant on it. The table contains everything that person is used to eating in a week. Jerry says that everything on the table is near and dear to him and then gets choked up over how many bad things he ate. Neil calls it a reality check. Soon the trainers are throwing food on the floor and tipping the tables over. This is probably to prevent anyone from getting one last binge in. Bob tells them that it’s time to move onto a new life.

    Meanwhile, at Guantanamo
    Bob and Kim may be knocking over tables of food, but Jillian is destroying souls. Now she’s having them run at each other while holding football training pads. Then she straps them into harnesses and has them run against resistance. Either Julie or Isabeau is having a hard time, but refuses to give up. Seriously, one of those two is going to have to be eliminated because I can’t keep them straight. Hollie, Miss “I’m the Biggest Threat” is whining and crying and about to give up. She crawls against the harness to finish the exercise. Jillian tells us that, while several members of the Black Team are ready to return to the Biggest Loser campus, Hollie is not at all ready. They have ten days left before they crash the weigh-in.

    Like LAX, But Slower and With More Whining Okay, so it’s not that much different from LAX
    It’s time for this week’s bizarre challenge. At this point, this show is really reaching as far as challenges go. It’s sort of like Survivor. I’d say that they’re jumping the shark but then that might be an okay challenge. After last season’s “Putting Sand Into a Pile” fiasco, I’m hoping they’ve come up with something a little more compelling. Both teams, along with their trainers, meet Alison at an airport. It’s evening and everything is lit up and very Die Hard 2-ish. There are two planes on the runway. Each of the contestants has talked about their goals for the show, Ali explains. For instance, Nicole wants to lose 125 pounds, Patty wants to shed 150 pounds and Neil wants to get down to 220 pounds. Ali tells them to think of that extra weight as excess baggage. Behind them, on luggage carts, are piles of luggage representing the exact amount each of them would like to lose.

    So here’s the challenge. They will have to run back and forth to the luggage-laden cart, which is maybe 100 yards away, and load all the bags onto the plane for their team. Wait, that’s not all. That would be too easy. Once each team loads up their plane, they must grab the ropes attached to it and pull it across the finish line. Each plane weighs 21 tons so, you know, no big deal. At the finish line is some very precious cargo – letters from home. Only the winning team will get to read their letters. Lezlye has a 15-year old son and cries over the idea of getting a letter from him. You’d think they’d been gone for months or something. It’s been like 6 days. These people would fall apart on Big Brother….much like the contestants on Big Brother.

    The challenge starts and in 30 seconds, Amber falls flat on her face and the whining begins. It’s really not all that exciting – it’s just people carrying luggage around. You can see the same thing at any airport. Luckily, it does go pretty fast, so I don’t have to resist the urge to throw things at the TV. Each team manages to form a line so they can pass the bags into the plane. The Blue Team finishes first and begins attempting to move their plane. Soon enough, the Red Team starts moving their plane. Did you note a difference there? Yeah, the Blue Team just pulls and pulls and nothing happens. It’s like the parking brake is still on. Do planes even have a parking brake? The Red Team ends up winning with no problem and they celebrate by reading their letters from home. Alison urges the Blue Team not to get discouraged because they need to focus on the approaching weigh-in.

    Back at the campus, the trainers push their teams through a last chance workout. Jerry chants “Age is only a number” as he hits the elliptical. Neil says he doesn’t know if he’s crying or if it’s just lots of sweat pouring off him. Patty manages to lose her cookies. Bob beams with pride – Patty puked like a man. That’s the sign of a pretty good last chance workout.

    Crunching the Numbers
    It’s time for the first results weigh-in and the teams file into face the Giant Scale of Doom. Those outfits haven’t gotten any better looking. Sadly, Alison’s outfit is actually cute and leaves no room for ridicule. I’m like a boat that’s lost it’s mooring here. What will I make fun of if I can’t make fun of the host? Ah well, I’m sure I’ll find something…or someone. As the teams line up on risers, I notice that we have some extra people present this time. They finally got smart and decided to have the trainers come to the weigh-in. Before the weighing in begins, Alison reminds everyone that the competition is about percentage of weight lost, not about pounds lost. Okay, let’s get started!

    Red Team
    Brian: 331 (15 pounds)
    Lezlye: 246 (9 pounds)
    Amy: 287 (10 pounds)
    David: 348 (20 pounds)
    Amber: 288 (7 pounds)
    Phil: 377 (26 pounds)
    Team total – 87 lbs – 4.43%

    The Blue Team squirms and Bob is clearly worried about whether or not he’ll be saying goodbye to one of his people this week.

    Blue Team
    In order to beat the Red Team, they must lose more than 83 pounds.
    Patty : 267 (13 pounds)
    Ryan: 359 (15 pounds)
    Nicole: 271 (8 pounds)
    Neil: 399 (22 pounds)
    Kae: 205 (20 pounds)
    Jerry: 266 (an amazing 31 pounds). Caroline informs Jerry that he has lost more than anyone else has lost in a single week on the show.
    Team total – 109 lbs
    Bob is jubilant and, therefore, so am I.

    Alison tells Phil that, as the biggest loser on the Red Team this week, he is safe from elimination.

    Ah, We Hardly Knew Ye
    Back at the dorms, the Red Team talks over their options. Kim is not happy about losing. Bryan feels like he could have done more to help their team but no one else is looking to Bryan. Lezlye calls out Amber, who she feels let them all down. Phil is upset with Amber too over the fact that she said she wanted to go home about 30 seconds in to the first workout. He put his faith in her when he chose her for his team and she disappointed him. Amber says she’s not going to quit, but doesn’t know if she can do this. Now it’s Kim’s turn to get upset (I’m sure this will happen 800 times between now and the finale: this one’s a weeper). She can’t believe Amber has no faith in herself. Amber only has one life, Kim says, and she needs to take control of it. Kim vows to not let any of them quit.

    It’s time for the elimination ceremony and really, is there any kind of suspense? The only shock will be if Amber isn’t sent home. Alison welcomes them to their first elimination ceremony. The contestants are segregated like it’s a junior high dance or something: the guys are at one end of the table and the girls are waaaaay over at the other end. Here’s how the votes fall out:
    Lezlye says she’s chosen a person with a great personality and she hopes that, given different surroundings, they will succeed in weight loss: Amber.
    Amber claims to have learned so much this past week. It’s not clear if any of that is related to fitness. Because she can’t vote for herself, Amber votes for Lezlye.
    Amy has chosen someone she thinks is a beautiful person but who, unfortunately, expressed desire not to be here: Amber
    David says it’s always hard to vote off one of his peers. Is this something he does in his everyday life? David votes for Amber.
    Phil says he sees different things in different people and, with this person, the comfort level isn’t here. With Phil’s vote, Amber is out.
    Ali asks how she feels. Amber says she respects each person at the table and vows that this doesn’t end for her. Amber gets up and leaves and no one even stands up to say goodbye to her. It’s a regular love fest.

    Amber tells us it was an awesome opportunity to even be a part of this process. She hopes to be an inspiration at the finale. In the follow-up photos of Amber, she’s clearly thinner. Nearly every bit of footage shows her on a treadmill and we’re told that she has taken off 65 pounds since leaving the show. When she arrived at the show she wore a size 28 and now wears a size 18: she hopes to be in a size 10 by the finale. Good luck to her and we’ll be seeing if she made that goal at the finale.

    Next Week: The Black Team makes their first appearance at the weigh in and, for Jillian, it’s payback time. Kim will cower in fear. Bob will just be annoyed.
    Last edited by Critical; 09-13-2007 at 05:34 AM.
    Anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that 'my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.' - Isaac Asimov

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  2. #2
    FoRT Lurker CrossingGuard's Avatar
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    Re: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    In case you have been under a rock (or glued to the BB feeds 24/7), Mistress Jillian, Personal Trainer of the Night has returned.

    That was a great recap, Critical! Well done!
    Survivor - Christina | The Amazing Race - Dave/Rachel | American Idol - Hollie, DeAndre | Celebrity Apprentice - Aubrey | The Voice - Chris, Juliet

  3. #3
    Premium Member dagwood's Avatar
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    Re: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical;2570801;
    Jez, through tears, tells us that he’ll be okay: he has lots of people who love him and care about him….he just needs to start caring about himself. I just want to hug him.
    Me too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical;2570801;
    The motorcycle pulls into the parking lot and, before we even see who it is (as if we don’t know), Julie says “Please God, tell me it’s Jillian.” That’s a reality TV watcher right there. She knows all the twists.
    I was thinking the same thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical;2570801;
    Meanwhile, at Guantanamo

    Patty manages to lose her cookies. Bob beams with pride – Patty puked like a man.
    Hilarious recap, Critical.

  4. #4
    would rather be cruising! marybethp's Avatar
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    Re: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    Thanks SO much for this recap Critical - I totally forgot about the premiere. I'm one of those idiots glued to the BB feeds

    I can't wait for next week!

  5. #5
    Balllllooooooooon!!!!! MrsMarcusWelby's Avatar
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    Re: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    Too much to quote... Great recap had me giggling all through it.

    "Mistress Jillian"... I tell you... brilliant
    "We're going to have to watch that again" - John Locke

  6. #6
    Livin' on the feeds Spenny's Avatar
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    Re: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    I loved the recap, great job Critical!

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    Re: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical;2570801;
    Sure enough, it is Mistress Jillian. She pulls off her gloves and helmet and tells them that they are not going home. Everyone screams and cheers. They will be screaming later for a different reason.

    Jillian gathers her new Black Team, telling them that soon, they’ll wish they had been sent home. Julie is still naively excited. Jillian is a machine, she says. Yes, and so was the Terminator.
    Great recap! Loved this, and all of the other Jillian parts.

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical;2570801;
    If It Had a Mother, It’s Protein
    This was Bob's best line of the night. What a cute way to explain protein to people who don't get nutrition. Bob is sweet.

    Quote Originally Posted by Critical;2570801;
    Patty manages to lose her cookies. Bob beams with pride – Patty puked like a man. That’s the sign of a pretty good last chance workout.
    Bob's second best line of the night. The look on his face while she was tossing her cookies was priceless. Like he was grossed out and happy for her at the same time. Funny guy.

  8. #8
    FORT Fogey famita's Avatar
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    Re: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    Great recap, Critical! Entertaining throughout! (I never knew there was anything like puking like a man!)

  9. #9
    From the corner of my eye Jewelsy's Avatar
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    Re: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    Excellent recap, Critical. Thanks!

  10. #10
    PWS is offline
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    Re: Biggest Loser Premiere Recap: Let the Beatings Begin!

    Quote Originally Posted by famita;2577225;
    Great recap, Critical! Entertaining throughout! (I never knew there was anything like puking like a man!)
    I know... still trying to figure that one out... Maybe women like privacy for their puking...head to the bathroom... while she was just using what seemed to be a "puke can" set out for that purpose. Work out, vomit, work out, don't waste time with running to the bathroom, washing your face, brushing your teeth (although that's good for the enamel after the stomach acid)? I mean really, that can was just sittling there? What was it there for if not to puke in?

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