Every week when The Biggest Loser begins, I wait on pins and needles, praying that Heather will be eliminated, thus sparing me from having to listen to her screeching any more. Alas, I’ve been disappointed every week. This is clearly a plot on the part of NBC to drive me insane. They should broadcast Heather’s voice over speakers in corn fields to deter birds. Well, enough about Heather’s auditory offenses, let’s get on with the show. Last week, Ken and his hair were sent packing, thus evening up the teams to four members each.
The morning after the elimination, the teams meet with Caroline in the gym. It’s early in the week, so they’re not sure what to expect. I’m sure they didn’t expect the hideous pink shirt Caroline is wearing. They also probably didn’t expect the next little bit of news: the teams as they know them are gone. From now on (until they change things again, that is), the contestants will be divided into pairs: one from the Red Team and one from the Blue Team. This week, the two teams with the lowest percentage of weight loss will be up for elimination and one team will then go home.
How will the teams be chosen? Oh, it’s another slightly bizarre and difficult to describe, food-related challenge. The teams face cubbies set up with curtains covering the openings. Behind the curtains are various food stuffs that, if chosen, they will have to eat. Behind one curtain is the power to choose the teams.
Erik goes first. He gets a slice of pizza (340 calories). He looks crushed at having to eat he pizza. [/sarcasm]
Pam: a plate of bacon (70 calories)
Bobby: strawberries (45 calories)
Brian: a banana (90 calories)
Heather: rice cakes (zero calories because they are actually made out of Styrofoam)
Marty: raspberries (60 calories)
Kai gets a hot dog and, with that, Wylie wins. All of a sudden, Wylie goes from having no power on the Red Team to having complete power over the game. The ass-kissing starts immediately.
Biggest Loser At Home Update
This week, we’re catching up with Poppi from New Jersey. Her weight on the first day at the ranch was 232 pounds. She’s now down to 189 pounds. In her video, Poppi singing and dances. She is also wearing lots of glitter makeup and a kerchief on her head. What year is it? Poppi’s latest accomplishment: she can now fit into the t-shirt she got at the beginning of the show. Why would they have given her a shirt that didn’t fit? Weird.
Wylie is deliberating on his decision as everyone else figures out how best to suck up to him.
All of the blue boys want to be paired with Kai and they all lobby Wylie, explaining why they would be the best partner for her. Marty advises Wylie to think of himself in this because that’s what everyone else would do.
It’s time for Wylie to reveal his decisions, so everyone files into the gym to meet with Caroline. Wylie tells everyone that he felt burdened by the decision and that he didn’t take the responsibility lightly. His teams fall out like this:
Heather and Bobby: Wylie reasons that because Bobby has been losing a lot of weight and Heather has had more trouble losing, they will be a good match.
Pam and Brian: Pam stands alongside Brian and starts to cry. She tells Caroline that she doesn’t want to screw up and get Brian sent home. Brian thinks Pam is the toughest competitor there, so if he gets sent home, it won’t be because Pam didn’t work hard.
Erik and Kai: Wylie partnered Erik with Kai because he is the heaviest of the bunch and needs to stay there as long as possible. Because Kai has immunity, Erik will be guaranteed at least one more week on the ranch.
Wylie chose Marty as his partner because he has a crush on Marty.
Everyone goes off to make nice with their new partners.
Soon enough, Bob and Kim arrive to learn about the new teams. Bob is not happy that two people will be eliminated each week, thus ensuring that one of his boys will definitely be going home. The new duos hit the gym and Wylie opts to work out with Bob based on the results he has seen in the Blue Team guys. Bob runs Wylie through his paces and it becomes clear pretty quickly that Wylie’s fitness level is not where it should be. Bob says that Wylie has no upper body strength. Kim, sensing another trainer treading on her turf, starts getting annoyed that Bob is working the group out so hard right before a challenge. She gets uppity with Bob, pointing out how successful her team has been. Hate her.
This week’s gratuitous product placement comes to us courtesy of Kim and the Red Team. In short: milk = good. Moving on….
The Biggest Loser: Survivor Style
This week, the challenge is being held at night. As the teams approach the set-up, they see flames. Sadly, they are not burning Caroline’s wardrobe. The challenge involves the teams holding a heavy metal pole so that end of the pole is positioned inside a hoop. Each team member must use only one hand to hold up the pole. If the pole touches the edge of the hoop, the entire hoop will ignite and that team is out of the competition. The winning team will get video phone calls from home.
So starts another thrilling challenge. They all stand there holding a pole. Whoopee. Heather and Bobby are out first, followed by Kai and Erik. The angle at which the pole has to be held makes this a difficult challenge. Wylie and Marty have developed an interesting technique for this challenge: they’re standing all hunched over like they’re arthritic or something. Is that extreme posing?
It’s down to Pam and Brian and Wylie and Marty. Seeing that Wylie is getting tired (thanks to Bob, we know Wylie has the upper body strength of a ten year-old girl), Marty offers to take the weight of the pole so that Wylie can rest. Marty promptly drops the pole and Brian and Pam win the challenge. Both get emotional video phone calls from home.
At the last-chance workout, Wylie is back working out with Kim and the Stygian Witches. Kim runs them up a hill, while Bob runs the boys on the road up to the ranch from the gate. Bob says that this is a bittersweet workout: it’s the last time they will all work out together. He also manages to get lots of plugs in for whatever brand of water is paying the bills this week
The Return of the Dastardly Yellow Line
This week, Caroline is sporting a skirt with lots of glittery stuff on it and a top that I made in the third grade.
Pam: 207 (4 lbs / 40 lbs total)
Brian: 239 (6 lbs / 68 lbs total)
They’ve clearly bonded: they’re both sporting bizarre ponytails.
Total weight loss: 10 lbs
Percentage of weight loss: 2.19
Wylie: 242 (6 lbs / 65 lbs total)
Marty: 286 (7 lbs / 79 lbs total
Total weight lost: 13 lbs
Percentage of weight loss: 2.40
Kai: 208 (6 lbs / 54 lbs total)
Erik: 338 (+3 lbs / 69 lbs total)
Total weight loss: 3 lbs
Percentage of weight loss: .55
Bobby: 255 (5 lbs / 66 lbs total)
Heather: 182 (5 lbs / 41 lbs total)
Apparently, we don’t get the totals on this team and you know what? I don’t really care because I now have to endure Heather for at least one more week. Wylie/Marty and Bobby/Heather are above the yellow line. Kai and Pam cry: they will now be split up. Again with the ugly cry from Kai.
Bob meets with the Blue Boys to get the weight loss totals. Erik’s weight gain does not make Bob happy. You know how I hate it when Bob isn’t happy. Erik reveals that he wanted to be in the bottom two so that Kai would be forced to use her free pass.
Tonight’s elimination will be a little different: the teams will each be casting one vote. Caroline, who is wearing the green – and equally putrid - version of the earlier pink top, reminds Kai of her free pass. Yeah, I’m sure that had slipped her mind. Kai barely bats an eye and says that she will be using the pass. With that, there’s no reason for anyone to reveal their votes: Pam and Brian are going home. Bobby says that he hates to see Brian go home, but he knows that Brian’s family will be proud of what he’s accomplished. Kai ugly cries some more as she says goodbye to Pam
No sooner are Pam and Brian out the door than Caroline tells the group that she has a “very special announcement.” This can’t be good. The news? Brian and Pam will be replaced by another team of two. *Cue the dramatic music and the jaws dropping* At that moment six players file into the elimination room: 3 men and 3 women, all from the Biggest Loser at Home group. Caroline explains that the man and woman with the highest percentage of weight loss will be rejoining the game as a duo. Heather is already “freakin’ pissed” (she’s such a delicate flower). Tonight, the groups will spend time getting to know each other. The ranchers made plans to eliminate the interlopers immediately.
In follow-up videos we find out how Pam and Brian have done since leaving the ranch. First, there’s a video of some guy I don’t recognize. Who the Hell is that? Holy crap, it’s Brian! Not only has he lost a total of 118 pounds, he cut all that hair off and trimmed his beard up. Hubba hubba! Brian says that he feels like The Biggest Loser saved his life.
While Pam’s weight loss total is not as impressive as Brian’s, she still looks great: she has lost an additional 25 pounds since leaving the ranch, for a total weight loss of 65 pounds. She tells us that the show has changed her life and the lives of her children: they are growing up knowing how to live a healthy lifestyle.
Next week: Tune in at 8 for an extended episode. The play-at-home contestants finally weigh in and two of them get to stay on the ranch.