The show opens with the foolish blue team, resting after booting off not only their biggest loser, Aaron, but also, the hottest piece of eye candy on this show. Losers indeed. They discuss how shocked they are that Aaron is gone, and Kelly feels especially bad. Soon, Bob appears, shimmering into existence from a fine mist. He scans the room, notices it’s lack of minty Aaronness, and commences to turn into an enraged, Franken-Bob. He rips the door off it's hinges and tosses it into the wall/cliff face/roaring fire. <------tonight, it’s choose your own. (Side note: Anyone remember the Choose Your Own Adventure books? *snort* Yeah. Me too. *laughs like Chris Farley*)
So Bob is pissed. Mucho pissed. I mean mucho pissed-o. He angrily points at each member of the blue team and tells them they don’t deserve to be there. “You shouldn’t be here,” he says to a hurt Kelly. “You definitely shouldn’t be here,” he says to a defiant, sumo-angry Mo. Everyone, frightened, mumbles and mutters and stutters over all kinds of excuses, “we didn’t know…” “I didn’t vote for him…” “I thought he’d vote for me…” “I like cheese!!” Franken-Bob is disgusted and isn’t having any of it. He’s sickened and saddened that Aaron is gone, and tells the team that they made the biggest mistake voting off their strongest, uninjured member. And today….well today he’s gonna make them pay. Ah ha ha ha ha! *witchy cackle*
Bob takes them to a track whose name I don’t write down. But it has bleachers. Huge bleachers. And Bob has decided to use these bleachers as an instrument of psychotic, monkey pain. Why monkey pain? It is the worst kind of pain. Ask the monkeys.
We start to see footage of each team member high tailing it up the stairs. They start strong. They do one lap strong. Two laps. Three. Four. And soon, they begin withering, barely crawling up each step as Bob barks at them, “Come on! I don’t care how you get up here, just get up here!” Everyone drags their noodle-y bodies upwards, and Kelly and Andrea begin to weep. Bob tells us that when they want to stop, he’s going to make them do more. When they want to cry, he’s going to push them further. And when they want to disco, he’s gonna say, “let’s partayy”.
The one person that’s okay: Mo. Well he’s not perfectly okay, but he’s watching from below because he’s unable to do the stair climb. He escapes the gruelingness of the stairs, but does not escape the evil, laser beam stares of Franken-Bob, which at one point, barely miss Mo, disintegrating a small shrub in the process. *poof*
Franken-Bob spends the entire day working them to exhaustion until he finally, curtly asks Andrea and Kelly to walk away with him. The second they’re out of Mo-shot (and Gary-shot), he asks them wtf is up with them voting off Aaron? Huh? Answer him!! He tells them they don’t deserve to be there while the girls start to cry and weep and mumble all kinds of explanations about not knowing what to do etc. Bob tells them they made a huge mistake and that they could have changed the outcome of the entire contest. Andrea eventually walks away and weeps into Gary's shoulder, telling him she doesn't even feel like Bob thinks she should be there. Gary pats her reassuringly and say she DOES deserve to be there, everybody does, and Bob finally relents and agrees.
My Kingdom for a Cupcake
It’s time for a little teeny tiny diet analysis. Jillian is concerned that her red baby girls aren’t eating enough calories. They’re going ape-wild on workouts, and need at least 1200, if not 1500 per day. Kelly, on the other hand can’t believe it can work. She sometimes thinks she’s jamming down gargantuan-sized portions of foods only to have it add up to nothing. But Jillian tells us she knows what she’s doing, and she’ll get them the results they want to have. The girls have a tendency to undereat and that is sooo not gonna peel off the fat. Only chowin’ down, and/or a magic, plastic surgeon’s lipo wand can do that.
It’s day…….um…something or other, and people are injured. Gary’s got a bum knee, Kelly of team red has a foot injury, and Dave has developed a smaller, second head. It’s not looking good. That head talks sass. Gary’s concerned about his knee injury, though, and tries not to show the peeps his weakness, he thinks it could be a liability for him. Both trainers tell us that everybody’s a candy ass, and all can work around their injuries. There’s plenty o’ things they can do.
Next up: temptation. Awaiting everyone in the foyer is a tower of multi-colored cupcakes that screams, “eat me!” All oo and ahh and read a sign that says, “whoever eats the most cupcakes in a 15 minute period gets a sunset dinner with a loved one.” Immediately Gary demands he gets a cupcake because his wife is only an hour away. Ryan looks at him and says, “if you eat one, I’ll eat two,” with an evil little grin on his face. He tells us he really, really wants to see his wife. Ryan says he could eat a couple dozen easily and Lisa screams, “no!!!” and tells us there’s no way she could down 40 cupcakes, that’s 4,000 calories and Jillian would incinerate their heads and/or be mad.
Mo’s thinking about his upcoming girlfriend’s birthday, and Kelly tells us that cupcakes are her fav-o-rite!! Everyone stands around eyeing them, dying to just jam them in with wild abandon. Matt giddily suggests, “what if we all eat one and then somebody else eats two.” Which spurs Ryan on to an idea: he asks everybody who’s really, really interested in having a cupcake/seeing their loved one stay on the mat in the center of the room. Five people step up, and Ryan decides that he’ll take five pieces of paper in a hat. One of those pieces of paper will have a black dot, whoever draws it eats one cupcake and automatically wins. Everyone thinks this is a great idea. After the hat grab, the lucky cake jammer is: Dave of the red team! He immediately dives into a white frosted cake while everyone watches with envy. Someone tells him it would be evil, but he could have two. He chooses not to.
But uh oh, Mo looks like he can’t resist. He eyes up that tower and walks up to it. Ryan and Kelly and others start freaking out, “what the hell are you doing?” Mo doesn’t answer. He robotically picks up a cupcake and smells it, oblivious to the screams and twitters around him. Mo tells us he wanted to see his girlfriend very, very, badly, and he looooooves cupcakes. Kelly blue demands that he put the cupcake down…RIGHT. NOW. He does. Everyone’s relieved, and Mo tells us he was crazy close to eating it, but didn’t come all this way to cheat.
Dave, the cupcake winner, gets all dudded up to meet his wife Tia at the Moon Shadow restaurant in Malibu. He says Tia will be frank with him and tell him if he really looks better or different or not. At the restaurant, his wife arrives wearing a strapless dress and Dave immediately hugs her tight and says he never wants to let her go. They hug, they kiss, and little hearts fill the air. He says it’s more emotional than what he expected, and that seeing her gave him the strength to not pack it in. She notices the weight loss immediately, and a joyous night is had by all.
Next up, challenge time. Caroline waits for the teams in downtown LA next to the tallest building west of the Mississippi river. It’s 74 stories, and yes, they’ll all have to race to the very top. The first team to make it up all 1500 (ahh!) stairs, wins. If the blue team wins, they get to choose who from the red team sits out of the weigh in. The winning team also wins a spiffy chopper ride over the city.
Not everyone on each team will be playing. Gary and Mo of the blue team, and Kelly and Dave from the red team, all have to sit out due to injuries. Which leaves just the blue girls, Kelly and Andrea, up to challenge two of the red teamers. Caroline makes Lisa come forward and select a red team name from her hand to determine who will go. Lisa pulls up….Ryan’s name! She’s all giggly and excited until Caroline slices in, “That means Ryan stays here. Matt and Lisa, you’re up.” Lisa immediately looks like an angry marmoset.
Everyone is antsy to get the party started, and soon, the people are truckin’. Both teams start strong, flying up flight after flight. The red team is slightly ahead with Matt pushing forward quickly, and Lisa struggling to keep up. The blue team has a slow and steady pace.
Somewhere around flight 14, Andrea and Kelly start to feel the burn. Somewhere around flight 19, Lisa starts walking with her hands on her knees. While they huff and pant and sweat to some thumpy disco beats, we flash to the elevator, where a whistling merry tune plays as the non-stair-climbing peeps take a smooth, silky elevator ride. Gary and Mo high five each other in a ra ra way.
Back to the stair climbers, the blue girls keep their slow and steady pace and keep boosting each other up by saying soon they can stop for water at one of the pre-destined waterin’ spots on the stairs. The red team is many flights ahead of them, with Matt keeping the fast pace several flights ahead of Lisa, telling her they’ll stop again after two more flights.
Soon it’s time for a meltdown, as Lisa says she doesn’t feel good and at floor 34, starts to bend over and cry, saying her chest hurts. She needs a door to open, and she needs it open RIGHT NOW! She begins tugging on the handle while her cries get louder and her breathing gets shallower. “I need air!” she cries, looking towards us/the camera as if we can open the door. Matt looks at her bug-eyed and tells us he thinks she’s just having a panic attack. Lisa cries and grips the wall instead, while Matt insists she's gone mental.
In the meantime, the blue team girls are bookin’ it up the steps, slow and steady, while Andrea tells Kelly that she inspires her. As they approach floor 73, the girls gain energy and begin to cheer at the delightful rosiness in being nearly done! Woo hoo! Up on the roof near a helipad, the blue and red teams wait to see who emerges on the stairs. Obviously, it’s….Andrea and Kelly of team blue! The blue team cheers, while the reds let out a few effenheimers. Andrea thinks it’s fantastic that they won, it’s a huge win for the blue team, and a huge win for womankind. Kelly is impressed with herself, and the blue team cuddles up in a warm group hug.
Meanwhile, someone pops open the door for the red team and Lisa busts into an air conditioned hallway, heaving. A doc tells her she might want to hop in an ambulance, and she cries and says it’s not an anxiety attack and she doesn’t want to go, she wants to finish the stairs. The next thing we see: Lisa on a gurney rolling into the back of an ambulance.
Awooo Hooo Witchayyy Women....ahh ha ahhh…ooo WEE ahhh!! <---monkey like squeals
It’s celebration time for the blue team, and all thank the girls as a chopper lands on the helipad. They’re giddy because they’re zippin’ up up and away, and they get to sit a member of the red team out of the weigh in. All hop on the chopper and take a zesty ride over the city where they see an ant-like practice of the Dodgers, and Mo remains on ground. He refuses to ride, while the other team members marvel at the scenery and the boost to their morale.
Soon the chopper heads back to the Loser camp grounds, and the chopper lands in the field while Bob waits, sitting on the steps. For some reason, choppers = loss to Bob, as he said the second he saw them he assumed they lost again. What? Whatever. He said he didn’t want to have that loss speech again. Since the chopper seems to do nothing to prove to Bob that his team won, and neither does the banner with, “blue team wins” and the mini-circus and mime show that follows, Bob seems dejected. Apparently for Bob, what it takes is….the blue team cheering. He’s all excited and Kelly says that winning proves to Bob that they’re all serious about this. Like kids after school, Kelly and Andrea giddily tell Bob about how they made it up the stairs using interval strategy, and how their breathing became easier during the challenge because of it. Bob gives them his daddy approval and when he asks how the red team does, they simply say, “the red team had issues.”
The red team walks through the grounds, Lisa-free, and meets Jillian in the kitchen, where they tell her that Lisa’s in the hospital. Jillian grips her head and says OMG many times. It's quite tense. Trust me.
Jillian’s working out the red team when Lisa finally returns to the ranch. No one really looks at her, and Lisa says there was nothing she could do and she’s glad she stopped. Everyone tells her they’re not upset. Lisa calls Matt a road runner and Matt says he had to just sit there and watch the blue team win. Lisa’s feelings are immediately hurt, and Ryan tells us that no matter what Matt had said, Lisa would have blamed it all on him.
Then…oh babies, then, suddenly, mayhem breaks loose. Lisa hops on a treadmill, saying that the doc told her to go home and rest, but nope, she’s on a treadmill anyway, she goes on for a bit until suddenly Jillian flips out and yells, “shut up!!” and runs over to Lisa, “did I not just say to you to go inside? And what did you say? WHAT did you say??” Lisa sputters and Jillian tells her to just do it and that no one is trying to insult Lisa, especially not Matt. She needs to get over it and accept responsibility for not finishing the challenge.
Ahh…the love. Can you feel it comin’ to you on a big, heart-shaped cushion? Yes, Lisa tells us that the world is snappy now that they’re on the down low. Everybody’s sick of everybody, and soon wrestling will commence. Soon everyone begins griping about Matt and how much he gets on their last nerve. We flash to massive footage of Matt speaking crazy, inflammatory words like, “Gucci”. Dave finds him annoying, and wants him gone. Matt say that Dave talks a lot of sh*t and stabs him in the back all the time. We see massive footage of Dave cussin’ out this or that team member. Matt wants him el-gone-oh.
As both teams workout prior to the weigh-in, Jillian complains to us about how wussy she thinks Dave is. She enjoys him as a person, which really is just another way of saying, “but not as a human being.” She says he’s been dishonest about his injury and has been milking it since day one. She’s annoyed that everyone else has been working through their injuries and grunting and crying while Dave lies on his back. *cute footage of Dave on his back..and inexplicably….a shot of some smurfs*
Pretty soon, the shiznit hits the fan in the form of a brawl between Dave and Jillian. They meet each other in the yard, clasp hands, and circle each other in a very, Michael Jackson-beat-it video way. Soon, Jillian smashes a beer bottle on a tree and says, “I’m gonna cut ya!!” and thrusts it at him. Proving his candy-ass, lying ways, Dave nimbly limbos away from the jagged, pointy edge, apparently afraid of a wittle bitty sharp edge. “ooo…I don’t wanna cut my aorta!” he cries, girlishly. As they encircle each other, Dave says that Jillian needed to be confronted for treating him like he’s evil Dave and/or a baby. He’s 40-years-old and knows when to stop, and if his knee is hurting, it’s hurting, and he knows whether or not to take it easy. Jillian says bull cacca, you liar! *slice, slice* She knows he’s not giving it his all and points out the wonderful, bursitisy example of Gary. Dave suddenly produces his own, shattered bottle and jabs back at Jillian, yelling at her for accusing him of lying in the form of, “don’t you ever bleeping accuse me of lying ever again!” Jillian tells him he’s difficult to train, and Dave says the conversation is over, proving it not to be by screaming in Jillian’s face. It’s all very touching.
The 20 Pound Cupcake
It’s time for the weigh in, and all the peeps ready for it by telling us how much their families will adore their new, slenderer frames. Lisa wants to win this thing and make her family proud, Matt says he’s jazzed about his 36 pound loss and that he can even see the difference in photos now. Kelly of the blue team feels lucky to even have this opportunity, and Kelly of the red team says no one can motivate you if you don’t want it bad enough. Mo say that as the game progresses, the money becomes more and more real to him, and he wants to give him mom keys to a new house or give his sister keys to a new car, but despite the money, he’s focused on his health, which is good, because 250k might not purchase his mom a house. But a nice, airy mobile home? Yes.
Caroline greets them in the scale room and asks the blues which red member they want to sit out. They select Matt, as he lost the most weight last week. Matt gets up on the scales to see his weight loss anyway.
Matt red: 10 pounds, his team cheers
Ryan red: 13 pounds, ha! Red team thinks the blues picked the wrong guy to sit out
Gary blue: 11 pounds
Lisa red: 6 pounds, the lowest weight she's been in at least 4 yers, she's proud of herself
Andrea blue: 8 pounds, she was blown away to be less than 200 pounds
Dave red: 8 pounds, red team cheers
Kelly blue: 10 pounds, really excited to be in the 100's now
Kelly red: 4 pounds, she feels horrified while Lisa tells her, “it’s still a loss!’ you go, girl!
Mo blue: he only needs two pounds to lose in order to win it for the team. Can he do it? His weight loss is……….14 pounds!!
The blue team goes nuts, Mo is the biggest loser, and finally the red team has to face another fridge room extinction.
Gucci-Boy Goes Down
Pre-vote strategy, the reds flitter around the house trying to gather votes for either Matt or Dave. Dave campaigns against Matt with the girls, saying he’s a nut job and needs to go home. Ryan says he never knows what Dave’s thinking, because sometimes he goes with the girls, sometimes he goes with the guys. He’s a flip flopper. The flip-floppiest.
Matt can taste his almost-defeat, and turns to the blue team’s Mo for support. He thinks the entire house doesn’t want him there, and Mo tells him that Lisa’s a loose cannon and they’re best bet is to get rid of her instead. He tells Matt he should vote for her, because if they have an elimination next week, he’ll have an in with the other voters already. Matt hates the idea of turning on Lisa, despite agreeing, but Mo tells him to kick ass, and if he doesn’t, it’ll hurt more goin’ home. In a final twist of betrayal, Matt passes Dave on the treadmills and asks him if he’s sticking to the all-boy alliance, and wants to see if he’s still voting for Lisa. Dave lies, tells him yes, and as Matt retreats, he laughs maniacally and whispers, “foolish young boy” in a snake-y voice.
In the fridge room, all arrive with their silver domes and Caroline delivers her cheesy catch phrase, “It’s time….*pause*………to cut the fat.” <---think of how much cooler that would sound if delivered by Arnold in an action thriller.
Caroline fires off her Probst questions:
Lisa, does the team blame you for the stair meltdown: no.
Ryan, the blue team voted off their biggest loser last week, do you worry you’re in danger? Who knows, he could be a sucker.
Annnd the vote:
Lisa: says one person from the team who is too absorbed with themselves, bringing them down mentally and physically, she votes for Matt.
Matt: struggled all day with this, because he thought this person was stabbing him in the back, when all along they used to be close. He chooses Lisa.
Ryan: the person he's sending home is great, he would trust this person forever to never lie, but unfortunately he's had to lie to him, and it's Matt.
Dave: he says it's hard to exist here without people in his corner, doesn't want to feel like he has to pick people up all the time, he votes for Matt.
No need for Kelly’s vote. Matt goes home. But Kelly de-domes anyway and reveals: Matt.
As Matt’s lips quiver, Caroline asks him for final words. He immediately says Lisa stabbed him in the back. She guffaws and points out that he voted for her too, so they’re even steven. He tells her that all he knows is that she makes him and others feel bad, but Dave pipes up and says no, Lisa makes HIM feel fantastic. And with that, Matt leaves weeping while everyone else smiles. He says it’s the beginning of a new life, he’s lost 45 pounds so far and will always cherish the magically delicious experience of the ranch, and he leaves there a different person. He says he’ll miss Jillian the most, because she’s one of the main people who has never stopped pushing him and never stopped caring and honestly wanted to see him succeed. Post show, Matt has lost an additional 22 pounds.
Next week: Everyone gets all punchy and giggly for a reason they do not show us. The tempting challenge involves bread, and the first five minutes of the show will be dedicated to seeing the ousted peeps up-to-date weight losses.
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