This week, we join the cast of The Biggest Loser at the beginning of their second week of weight loss competition and I have to say, “I’m hooked.” I am. I love this show after only one week. The only thing I would do differently if I were in charge is that I would never vote off any of the members of the teams. At least not initially. I think they should all get to stay at least for a few weeks. Granted, this show is only nine episodes, right? I guess they felt they needed to hurry up and boot some people to keep things interesting. That darned Survivor led all reality shows to believe that every week someone needs to get their torch snuffed. I do not like it. But again, I am not running this show, so let’s get on with it already…. sheesh.
After losing 148 pounds between the two combined teams, in only one week of diet and exercise, the members of the red and blue teams are extremely motivated. Mostly. This week’s show begins with the blue team sitting in the living room mourning the elimination of their first teammate, Dana. (Dana who did not need a show to help her lose a measly 30 lbs, but merely needed to join Weight Watchers.) As Andrea tries to boost the team’s morale by saying they are still a family, Ryan from the red team walks in and says, “What the hell took so long?” mocking the fact that the blues lost a member and insinuating it should not be a big deal. According to everyone on the blue team, and most members of the red, Ryan is not funny.
Having seen that the first person voted off the blue was the least large member, Lizzeth, the smallest member on team red, wakes up before all the others and takes her tail outside to run a while. Lizzeth wants to avoid being first cut and expects to do so by showing that she can work out harder than the others. You work it, girl! Lizzeth tells us that back home her sister had gastric bypass to lose weight, but never learned how to properly eat or exercise, so she was having trouble keeping the weight off. Lizzeth wants to do it the right way and go home and be inspiring to her family.
When Bob the trainer gets to the house, he finds that Dana had been booted and though everyone is excited about the HUGE weight loss, the mood of the team is sort of low because of Dana’s departure. Bob gives them a pep talk and then they head to the gym for their workout… which Bob seems to be stepping up a notch. However, while Bob may be taking the blue team’s leisurely strolls up to brisk walks, Jillian is yelling at team red and taking their brisk walks up to a full run. Kelly says what I am thinking… sometimes she just wants to “kick her in the face.” Yes, Kelly, I feel that way about Mari Winsor as her Pilate’s dvd is kicking my ass.
Everyone on the red team is working out harder than ever – giving 100% towards every exercise…except Dave. Dave is the bitter bald member of the team and he is still stuck in stroll status. Jillian says she loves the guy, but that he needed to step up his game if he wanted to remain a player. She pulled him aside and tried to convince him that if he slacks off people will notice. He did not really seem to care, still riding high from the previous week’s huge weight loss.
When the teams go back into their place for lunch, in front of them is a table loaded with food. Some of the food is not terrible for you, but some is absolutely delicious - errrr, I mean, awful. Most members pass over the mashed potatoes and bread for a salad and subway sandwich – except for Mo, who heads straight for the brisket. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm…. brisket. His team collectively shake their heads, but Mo continues to eat.
When lunch ends, the gang heads to Universal Studios theme park and meets up with annoying Caroline Rhea. She leads them to a kitchen and tells them they will be baking up a truckload of tasty treats for the next two hours for a bake sale. The team that makes the most money at the end of their bake sale, will win a luxurious day at the spa. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm…. spa. The red team also found out that since they had an additional player since Dana’s ousting, they would have one member omitted from weigh in. If team red wins the bake sale, they would get to choose the player to sit out. If team blue wins, though, then they would be choosing for red. Everyone on red looks at little Lizzeth, while the blueys are eyeing big ole’ Ryan.
The baking begins and the blue team is constantly hounding Mo to keep his fingers out of the batter bowl, avoid licking spoons and to not eat the final product. All sound and sanitary advice. This challenge proves difficult as all the cast is drooling over the cookies and brownies and cupcakes. Finally, the two hours of torture are over and Caroline leads the groups out to City Walk, a high traffic area of the park, and they begin hounding people to buy their slop. Sorry, but I have never been a fan of the bake sale. I mean, how can you possibly know how clean the baker’s kitchen is or if they washed their hands? Yes, you can call me Monk.
Dave on team red tries to flatter people into buying his brownies while team blue’s resident salesman, Gary, tries to beg and bargain. Apparently, the flattery approach was the way to go as the red team started selling stuff for $20 bucks apiece. My guess is that alcohol is majorly consumed at Universal Studios (though $20 bucks for a brownie seems more a direct result of some serious weed intake) because I do not know anyone in her right mind who would pay that much for a stupid brownie or cupcake or whatever. After some time passed, and all of the contestants eyes had sufficiently glazed over while watching people dive into their scrumptious baked goods, Caroline returns and says it is time to count the cash. However, before counting began, Caroline told the teams that they would lose 50% of their profits if any of the members even took a teeny tiny taste of the dough or baked goods. Everyone on both teams eyed Mo, the man with no willpower. After a far too gratuitous pause, Caroline says, “No one cheated!” and the blue teamed sighs with relief, glad that no one caught Mo cheating on camera. Oh come on… you KNOW he cheated.
After all the money was counted, the result was team blue with $245 bucks and team red with a whopping $362! To the spa with the reddies!! Back home to work out for the blues! As Kelly toiled away on a very inclined treadmill, she smiled at the fact that while she was busting her butt and losing weight, all the red team was doing was lounging around getting body wraps. Kelly, though I see you smiling, feel sure that I know that behind that smile is a bitter and jealous woman wishing for a massage.
At the end of their second week – after working out the hardest they had ever in their lives, and eating less than they have ever consumed, both teams are anxious to see the huge results at weigh in. The two teams gather in front of the enormous scale and stare anxiously and excitedly as they predict more 10-22 pound losses. Team red predictably chooses Lizzeth, who looks defeated. If I were Lizzeth, I would be upset that it looks like I am the next to go, but be grateful that out of everyone in the game, that I had the least to lose to be thin. Look on the bright size, Liz.
Though her weight loss will not count toward the team total, she weighs in anyway, excited to see the much lower number since she has been sneaking in extra workouts. Lizzeth’s previous weigh in showed her weight at 164. After the scale jumps around in order to add to the anticipation, it finally stops at… 164! For a whopping 0 weight loss. The red team nods knowingly. Lizzeth is dejected and breaks down and cries. Next on the scale was Aaron who the previous week had lost 20 pounds. This week he was down another 7 pounds and clearly disappointed it was not more. Dude, you have lost 27 pounds in TWO WEEKS! Be excited because that is AMAZING!!!
240 pound Dave steps up and has lost a whopping 0 himself. Same with 423 pound Mo… did not lose one pound. (See, I told you he was cheating. There is NO WAY someone that size could not lose weight if he is eating according to the diet and working out.) Aaron is feeling better about his 7 pounds already. And I am not the only one wondering if some of the members are cheating, as it is obvious that many of the teammates are skeptical with 0 losses. Last on the scale is Matt – last week’s biggest loser at 22 pounds! This week he steps up and has actually regained 3 pounds! He is shocked and literally breaks down with giant tears streaming down his cheeks. Again, I am going to say, Matt, in just 2 weeks you have lost 19 pounds. It takes most people 3 or 4 months to lose that much! Be proud of yourself!!
After everyone has weighed in, team red has lost only a total of 3 pounds, while the blue team lost 13. Everyone was on such a high with last week’s enormous loss, that this week they are absolutely disillusioned and all talk about just throwing in the towel and shoving carrot cake down their throats. Especially disheartened is the red team who will be facing their first elimination that night.
Shortly after the weigh in, the trainers arrive to find their groups moping. Both Bob and Jillian had expected the teams to plateau, but they did not realize it would be so quickly. They give the “it was a lot of water loss, just stay the course and you’ll lose” pep talks, and this seems to help a little, but not much. Before they hit the gyms for uber workouts, Ryan brings up in front of the trainer and his team that at tonight’s elimination, he will be voting out Lizzeth because she has the least to lose. Everyone agrees with Ryan, except of course Lizzeth, and Kelly. Though Matt thinks he will be the one voted off for gaining back 3 pounds, he still agrees with the smallest one out first logic. Kelly goes to each of her team mates one by one trying to convince them to keep Lizzeth and vote out lazy Dave. We are led to believe it is working. At the day’s workout, when Dave is only giving about 10%, it is all Kelly and Liz can do to not point and yell, “SEE??!!!”
The day ends and the red team heads to the dining table surrounded by refrigerators stuffed with favorite foods. Before voting, an enraged Lizzeth says she’s had all shes can takes and shes can’t takes no more and begins yelling at Dave that he should go because she is working her ass off while he is slacking. Dave smirks and brushes her off, but is clearly affected. Now seated at the table, with covered vote plates in front of them, Caroline joins them and asks Lizzeth why she should stay. She works hard, she says. That’s why. Despite her pleas, Dave reveals his vote for Lizzeth. Kelly shows her Dave vote, as does Lizzeth. Next to reveal is unfunny to anyone but himself, Ryan, who says, “Dave, I’m sorry to say… [long dramatic pause for effect]… but I voted for Lizzeth. Lizzeth and Kelly are PISSED. The others reveal their votes for Lizzeth, making her the first member of the red team to go. And I hate to say it, but I agree that she should have been the first. Seriously… join weight watchers.
After Lizzeth’s fridge light was turned off and she had stormed off to pack her things, Kelly unleashed her anger on Ryan, telling him his comment was inappropriate and cruel. Ryan responded that the purpose of this show is to lose weight, not cure cancer, and that if he can lighten up the mood a little and get in a couple of jokes to show he is the fat funnyman, not just the fat man, then he is going to do it. My advice for Ryan? Fill out an application for Last Comic Standing or save the jokes for your mama, because no one here thinks you are funny.
In her goodbye speech, Lizzeth says she is just beginning her weight loss journey, and that just because she was leaving the show does not mean she is giving up. In an update on her, she has lost 9 additional pounds since her departure and her family has jumped on the weight loss wagon with her. Good job!
Tune in next week, when your regularly scheduled and much funnier recapper, Shazzer, will be back!
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