Yes, you read that title right - it's finale week, as in final, as in it's finally over, as in that's all, folks! We've arrived at the end of the 11th season, and just in the nick of time - because if Hannah gets any thinner, the next new reality series will have to be The Tiniest Anorexic.
The live audience is packed full of incredibly enthusiastic viewers who are clearly just as happy as we are that this season is over. Host Ali Sweeney is in top form and rocking a short orange dress with sky-high heels. Naturally we must sit through the requisite oft-seen footage of the season, but my FF button takes me quickly to the vote-down between potential final 3 contenders Jay and Irene. Jay looks precisely the same as at the beginning of the season from the neck up, and is approximately half the man below. Wee Irene is a doll in her pink strapless frou-frou short gown with a black crinoline underskirt, and seriously, how is it not possible to root for this adorable little girl? Happily, America agrees, and Irene snags a final three spot alongside chatty sisters Hannah and Olivia.
The season's quartet of trainers is ushered out to center stage for some props from Ali and the audience. The boys, Bob & Brett, are gussied up in suits, while Jillian is smoking hot in a black top and knee-length skirt with a tattered hem and silver side buckles. Cara is unhappily hooker-ish in a tiny, too-tight red satin minidress - what has she done to anger the stylists so? The audience leaps to their feet to cheer Jill, who looks not even slightly sad over her last finale appearance.
It's finally reveal time, and enjoy it, people - it's what we've all waited for.
Ana, Irene's mom and first boot - lovely and surprisingly tiny in a strapless grey dress.
Start weight 255, now 146, 42.75%
Courtney, former Dairy Queen - staying the course on her weight-loss journey. Obviously Courtney has more treadmill miles to travel, but she looks good in a ruffled blue dress.
Start weight 323, now 213, 34.06%
Marci, Courtney's mom - holy MILF. In fabulous shape and showing it off in a strapless pink number.
Start weight 238, now 152, 36.13%
Dan, cop twin no.1 - unbelievably trim in spite of his abject misery on the ranch, now busy with kids' fitness programs.
Start weight 287, now 163, 43.21%
Don, cop twin no.2 - see Dan above.
Start weight 309, now 179, 42.07%
Q, whiner and early boot - slimmer but not slim.
Start weight, 437, now 344, 21.28%
Larialmy, wife of Q and another early boot - looking great and wearing the best dress so far, a flow-y single-strap short red gown.
Start weight 301, now 217, 27.91%
Moses, vale of tears and representin' Tongo - like Q, slimmer but not slim.
Start weight, 440 now 287, 34.77%
Kaylee, Moses' daughter - not quite where I'd expect her to be with her weight loss, but she cleans up nicely.
Start weight 233, now 179, 23.18%
Ken, known mainly for being Austin's dad - seized the opportunity and ran with it. Very fit-looking.
Start weight 377, now 219, 41.91%
Austin, AJane household family fave (we love that curly mop and big grin) - smiling ear-to-ear and looking very fit as well. This boy deserves a big hand, favorite or not - he's lost a mind-boggling 174 pounds.
Start weight 396, now 222, 43.94%
Sarah, cute blonde no.1...and that's all I can remember. But hey, she's really cute and doesn't need a revealing dress. Austin, take note.
Start weight 261, now 155, 40.61%
Deni, Sarah's mom and contender for that MILF position. At 59 years old and mother of 8, she looks astonishing. I hope I have that looking back at me in the mirror at that age.
Start weight 256, now 131, 48.83%
Arthur - you know you wanted to see his reveal the most, admit it - former 600-pounder and potential Dancing With The Stars contestant (don't smirk, just remember - Kirstie Alley). Art's still more of a turtle than a hare in this race, but he's getting there.
Start weight Holy S^#%! - I mean, 507, now 344, 32.15%
Jesse, Art's dad and Bill Cosby's separated-at-birth twin brother, looking years younger having shaved off his greybeard.
Start weight 293, now 210, 28.33%
Jay, previously seen but no less impressive.
Start weight 400, now 219 - we don't get a percentage but the old dude deserves a nod for dropping 181 lbs.
Jen, Jay's daughter and cute blonde no.2, in a sparkly grey mini. Props for displaying those great legs.
Start weight 278, now 164, 41.01%
Justin, team cheerleader, Rulon's partner and now totally unrecognizable - incredibly trim, newly blonde (!!!) and free of the good ol' boy goatee. He looks like an aging surfer, which is not a bad thing. And before you ask - yes, Rulon's invite to the finale apparently got lost in the mail. Justin comes close to Jay and Austin's mindblowing totals with 173 pounds lost.
Start weight 365, now 192, 47.40%
If you were paying attention, you already know that Deni's got the highest percentage and therefore nabs the $100,000 at-home prize - well-earned and well-deserved.
Irene is trotted back onstage, and it's time to drag out the Sob Sisters. Hannah emerges clumsily in a neat red mini. She is wisely hanging on to the blonde hair, but with less pouf. Her figure is nothing short of awesome, and one can safely assume she can now get a date. If she talks a little less, she might even get a second one. Yeah, yeah, I'm being nasty, but after five months, I swear I hear this chick's voice in my freakin' sleep.
Olivia bursts out next in a mini with black-and-white asymmetrical stripes that gives me an instant migraine. She is possibly slimmer than her sister (Hannah, Hannah, always second banana - heh, couldn't resist). Her formerly chubby hubby (once I start I can't stop, sorry), lurking in the audience, is shockingly thin and bears a creepy resemblance to Billy Corgan. Hell, he even might BE Billy Corgan.
We now interrupt our results so Ali can announce the newest TBL trainer, and if you thought a girl boxer was weird, check this out - the newest newbie is Anna Kournikova. Yes, the reason your husbands and boyfriends developed a sudden interest in professional womenís tennis a few years ago will be gracing our TV screens, on a weekly basis. Judging from my own husbandís reaction, Iím guessing weíll be having TBL family viewings next season. Which will probably start in a couple weeks or so. Sigh.
The final final finale weigh-in. I fast-forwarded through the sistersí histrionics.
Hannah, start weight 248, now 128, 48.39%
Irene, start weight 255, now 139, 45.49%
Olivia, start weight 261, now 132ÖI donít do that kind of complex math but Ali assures us that itís enough for the win.
Let the sparkly confetti fly! Opera singer Olivia is crowned winner of Season 11. Olivia, I know you and the husband are dying to get pregnant, but seriously, woman to woman here? Itís summertime and you worked hard, so enjoy the next few months in a bikini and short shorts. No one would blame you.
As for the rest of you Ė itís summertime and you worked hard (hanging in there for 20 weeks of TBL is hard work, donít let anyone tell ya different), so enjoy the next few months in a bikini, or whatever you like to wear while on a lounge chair, clutching your favorite warm-weather beverage. No one would blame you.