Never has makeover week seemed quite so far away. There are still 12 contestants left, and none of them, except maybe Irene, look good in the electric blue shirts bestowed on all twelve by Ali Sweeney. That’s right, Teams Red & Black, aka Team Unknown Trainers, aka Team UT, aka Team Bob & Jillian, aka Team BJ, have finally married together for what we hope is the last shakeup, and are reborn as the Blue Team. The new Blue are challenged to lose 64 pounds as a team this week – if successful, all 12 will be immune from elimination at the weigh-in.
First up are some contestant visits to Dr. Huzienga, aka Dr. Mullet, which appear to be for the sole purpose to feature him telling Marci that she’s reached her ideal weight. Never have I understood the apparent need of reality show directors to prepare us for a contestant elimination. We can wait the hour – heck, we can even wait the Biggest Loser 2 hours. We’re all busy doing pushups in the commercial breaks anyway, right? Dr. H talks to Courtney, Moses, and Rulon as well (Kaylee accompanies Moses but is ignored) and assures the heavyweight trio that they’re doing a great job. Moses cries, again. I think maybe 20% of his weight loss so far is in tears.
Pop challenge time, and I dunno what kind of contract NBC snagged Curtis Stone into, but at this point he deserves a spot in the opening credits for this show along with Bob, Jillian, and Ali. Curtis and fellow celeb chef Lorena Garcia will be the judges of contestant dishes, which must be whipped up in 30 minutes’ time. The Losers must work in teams of two, consisting of one former Red member and one Black. Hannah drools unattractively over Curtis while Ali announces the prize will be a Biggest Loser Meal Plan for the winning duo, which are 3 prepared meals delivered to their homes for the duration of the contest. If you’ve ever had to cook for people other than yourself, you know what a kickass prize this is. Almost as good as, say, Curtis coming over to your house three times a day to cook for you.
The Blues pair up – Kaylee & Jen combine to make some quite good-looking turkey tostados, Moses & Olivia bake a piece of cod with dill sauce, Ken fries up a filet mignon while Hannah puts together some kind of peppermint-chocolate “milkshake”, Irene & Justin keep it simple with steak, green beans, and mashed cauliflower, Courtney & Austin take the easy way out and mix up some cocoa powder with yogurt and slop it on grilled tortillas with sliced strawberries, and Marci & Ron dish up cod as well, but cajun-flavored with a plethora of mixed veggies. The judges are duly impressed with everyone, but Moses & Olivia get top scores for their dill’d fish.
The contestants head to the gym to “surprise” the four trainers with their new team color. Cara pops her eyes, chews her gum and nods thoughtfully while the others decide that she & Brett will take the girls and Bob & Jillian will manhandle the big boys. (Kaylee, who has apparently become the team wallflower, doesn’t appear to belong to any trainer today.) Bob is uplifted at the thought of everyone working together, while Jillian is equally jazzed to have some new minds, spirits, and bodies to abuse. Cara gets busy introducing the former Black ladies to boxing gloves, while Brett flits around doing whatever it is he does.
The challenge this week is held in some dusty desert punchbowl. A yellow rope is buried underground, with six trivia questions attached to it. The Blues remain in their cooking groups of two. The first duo will yank up the rope to the first question. If it is wrong, the rope will lead to a red X and a dead end. If correct, another team will join the first twosome, and so on. The entire Blue team must cross the finish line within an hour and a half – if successful, they will win a 5-lb advantage at the weigh-in. If not, 5 lbs will be added to their group weight. Marci & Rulon start the game off, and it turns out that rope is buried mighty deep. Ken, in fact, opines it’s anchored to China. The Blue team manages to keep all the contestants firmly in the California sand, however, and cross the finish line with a mere 6 seconds to spare.
At the weigh-in, the 5-lb advantage factored in, Ali reminds everyone for the 1,352nd time that if they lose 64, now 59, pounds as a team, everyone will be safe from elimination. Personally, I am anxiously awaiting the week when they decide the guys should henceforth keep their shirts on for the weigh-in. Ken’s waist-length moobs are aesthetically displeasing the entire North American viewing public.
Jen, start weight 196, down to 191, 2.55%
Hannah, start weight 180, down to 176, 2.22%
Olivia, start weight 188, down to 185, 1.60%
Justin, start weight 254, down to 249, 1.97%
Rulon, start weight 342, down to 335, 2.05%
Ken, start weight 277, down to 270, 2.53%
Austin, start weight 283, down to 275, 2.83%
Courtney, start weight 241, down to 237, 1.66%
Irene, start weight 180, down to 178, 1.11%
Moses, start weight 309, down to 303, 1.94%
Marci, start weight 162, unchanged to 162, 0%
Kaylee, start weight 174, up to 176, +1.15%
49 total pounds lost, with Marci & Kaylee falling below the yellow line (which has magically appeared on a board with the loss percentages somewhere to Ali’s left)
So what happened to Kaylee? And does anyone besides her dad really care? I can barely tell her apart from Irene, anyway. The team convenes in the ranch’s kitchen and unsurprisingly, Marci volunteers to go home, as well she should as she’s reached goal weight and has no need to remain. At the vote, however, Courtney cannot bring herself to vote for her mom (as well SHE should) and for some reason, Jen also refuses to write Marci’s name down. As gestures go, it’s kind of nice but the remainder of the team grants Marci her wish and votes her off. As Marci started her journey at 238 pounds and leaves at 162, she’s happy to head home and plug Biggest Loser frozen meals. So handy to take to work, you know. And after all those seasons of Jillian & Bob encouraging contestants to get their food ready a week ahead of time and pop them in BPA-laden plastic sacks. Ah, Ziploc, where art thou sponsorship? Next thing you know they’ll be chewing Trident instead of Extra, and chowing down at Quizno’s rather than Subway. On that note, you sub shops looking to get the most bang for their advertising buck – I can change my avatar to the log of the company who sends me the most coupons for free sannys.