Think of your favorite food. Do it. NOW. And you people out there that pipe up with, "I genuinely just really looove wheat germ and a blender full of asparagus beet juice with a side of plain baked chicken........" can just shhhhh. Hush it. Don't make me come at you with a handful of batteries. I'm telling you right now that my favorite "bad" food is a Little Debbie ho ho. Wait! I mean "swiss roll". Wouldn't want to tick off Hostess. Unless they want to pay me for it's mention. And being temporarily good-jobless....all I can say is...I'm willing to be whored as a dancing snack cake. I have 9 years of tap dance and ballet under my belt. And I've always wanted to dance housed in a cylindrical shape. Annnnyhow, are you picturing your favorite food, or are you visualizing me as a dancing snack cake? Either way....start drooling. Now....take that image away. You feel an icy cold pang of longing, don't you? Especially with the removal of the dancing snack cake image, right? Well...we're on episode 9, peeps. 9 of 10. The show...it's winding down. And we're all going to miss it. And guess what? The next episode won't be on for a looong, long, time. So cherish it while you can. It's going to be a long, cold, ho ho-less winter. On with the show.
Apparently…the Biggest Loser phenomenomenomenom…is causing pandemonium (we are told/instructed/ordered). Over 100,000 hopeful non-losers applied for TBL 2, and the show opens with footage of the “craze”. It’s wild. There’s like…lines….and like…and like…. people standing…and and and like…there’s even some milling! Wacky. Crazy. Loco in Aculpolco! The show is a ratings hit, and good news for us...someday, somewhere...at some point...we're going to see a tower of cupcakes again. It almost makes the ho ho deprivation liveable.
Next up is a quick recap of completely randomly selected eliminated peeps. The producers have spun a bottle and picked……..Andrea and Lisa! Andrea looks hot. And by hot..I mean HAWT. Coa coa buttered muscle all the way. Yummy. We catch her on a shopping expedition and see her twirling in a pink dress. It is pretty. And sparkly. And all things cotton candy-ish. She says she’s in a US size 6, which is a huge change from how she arrived to the show: a size 16. She says she’s keeping everything up, because you’d be a fool to go through all the work to come home and toss it down el drano. She makes me happy by speaking of herself in the way of The Shazz…i.e. in the third person. “Drea is here to stay” she let’s us know confidently. Good for Drea. She looks happy and taught.
Next up we see footage of the often snarly Lisa, this time shakin' what her momma gave her on the dance floor and working with a personal trainer. She looks nearly identical to the way she was on the show, and I'm thinking this must have all been filmed immediately after the last episode. Lisa says she's all confident and loves to go loco with friends. To prove it, we see her lip locking with what must be a very, very, good friend. She dances and cavorts and tells us this is the best she's ever felt about herself in her life. And as she seems much less surly in her footage, I'm inclined to agree with her.
Payback’s a Beyatch
Kelly’s the only woman left in the house and she feels the way a woman might feel at a Dungeons and Dragons convention: i.e. outnumbered. And perhaps a little bit like fresh meat. (I have got to find out where they hold these things. *thumbs through yellow pages*)
Ryan tells us he definitely knows he betrayed Lisa, but thinks it’s awesome strategery. He’s right. Anybody who thinks otherwise is a wack-job. (sayeth I). The dude had to protect himself. Gary feels great about keeping Mo around too.
Up next Bob and Jillian arrive at the ranch with standard commentary: the feeling is somber. It’s so quiet without the others here, yada yada. Bob says Mo is a master manipulator, and Mo tells us that if he can pull off a double digit loss before he leaves, it will be kick ass. But will he? Oh no. Or should I say, “Oh Mo.” <----Sorry. Thanks for sticking with me anyway. Apparently Mo hasn’t done diddly when it comes to cardio etc., and Bob gets right on his hiney about it. He gets Papa Smurf mad and gives it to Mo harshly, his voice becoming slightly shrill with disappointment/chastisement.
But will there be a cardio workout for Mo? Not yet. The final four head to the workout room only to see a huge sign posted that says “train the trainers”. It's role reversal day, babies, and payback's a beyatch! The blues and reds squeal like merry seals, and the trainers internally say, “
Soon, hilarious footage ensues with a serious trainer beat down. Pre-workout, the four peeps gather round and discuss how they're going to break the trainers like wild stallions. How to do it? With circuit training and lunging and running and miming and...I can't remember what all...…but Mo tells us the main goal: to make them hurl.
Jillian and Bob are understandably jittery. Here they are…with no boundaries of any kind, ready to get their asses handed to them…and boy howdy, do they. Kelly barks orders at Jillian while she hits it on the treadmill, “look into my eyes! You’ve got nothin’ to say!” and “I don’t give a *bleep*!” and “you give it all you’ve got!” Gary and Mo make Bob run at maximum on the treadmill, Bob clearly hates them. Kelly tells Jillian mockingly, “look at Bob!” Ryan and Kelly both yell out constant drudgery to Jillian, “lift up those knees! You’re jumping like an old lady!” and the best one EVER: Jillian says, “that’s not 8” re: her many reps, and Kelly barks, “It is what I tell you it is.” He he he. Exxxxcellent.
Mo and Gary are beating on Bob too. I.e. example, after sweating like crazy and begging for mercy, Bob tells Mo bitterly, “I made you,” and Mo replies, “I’m gonna make YOU today.” Ha ha! Bob is impressed/disgusted that his peeps remember every single thing he’s ever said to them. Bob pleas to the peeps off camera to help him, but in the end, he says he’s very pleased, because his babies trained him the exact way he trains people, and that made him proud. *sniff…tears*
All the peeps come away with the workout with a feeling that they can train themselves in the future. The trainers are pleased with their peeps and how well they’ve worked them. In some last minute footage of Jillian running (her least favorite activity), she foreshadows: “I will kill them,” she vows.
Time to Kill
Asses kicked, it’s time for the trainers to return the favor. Buwahahahaha! <<----*maniacal laughter* The trainers waste no time before working their peeps harder than ever before. Bob pushes Mo into some kind of sauna-sweat and says, “I did everything you said, didn’t I? Didn’t I? Who is your momma? Who?” Mo pants, “you’re my momma” (<--not actually said) and tells us he’s going to do everything Bob tells him to do. Bob is tough on Gary too, and makes him do some kind of grasshopperish leap thing that makes me want to hurl just watching.
Jillian beats on Kelly and Ryan too, but Kelly refuses to give her the satisfaction. At one point, Kelly feels hurlish too, but pretends to smile as if it is nooo pain at all. “you doin’ okay?” Jillian wants to know. Through swirling eyes and a fake smile Kelly says, “this is fine. The workout is fine.”
Up next is filler footage again, to make the show stretch into TAR time, but still...it's rather motivating. All the peeps take a walk to the front gate and jog back. During the walk, they have footage of that same walk on the first day they arrived. Everyone’s amazed at how far they’ve come, and my God do they all look wonderful! Viva la difference. Mo could have never imagined running to the house, now he skips along as if a gazelle. Gary feels like he’s in the best shape of his life. Ryan thinks their attitudes are all different. Kelly says she wasn’t happy with Kelly when she came there, but now has made internally happy changes that involve more than cleaner arteries, i.e. "pipes". Bob gets his own little bit of black and white footage too, and really believes the show saves lives.
Super Hot Poncho Fashion
It’s rainin’ like a mo fo when everyone awakes the morning of the challenge. They look outside and soon find out they'll have to head out into the whipping wtaer. So they put on ponchos. Which are noteably hot. *tsss* Sizzle. FYI: Valentine’s day, forget the lingerie and/or tight boxers. It’s all about the poncho. All poncho…all the time. Think of that erotic plastic squeak! *squeaky squeaky*
Funny how during a torrential rain storm, Caroline is not to be found. Singing? Sunshine? Food? Caroline is there. A little bit of rain? They’re on their own. Outside are four large sets of balloon bouquets and a super sweet treadmill *ride* under a tent. This time it’s about endurance: whoever hangs onto their bouquet in the rain the longest, wins the treadmill, but no immunity.
Everyone is cold right off the bat, and Mo says it’s about 40 degrees outside. He would love to have the treadmill. Ryan is totally jazzed there’s no potential immunity win, because he feels safer that way. The wind starts whipping like crazy, and while Gary and Kelly suffer intensely, Mo and Ryan toss their gleeful heads back and laugh, as if they are merely experiencing some baby spittle versus the typhoon that Kelly and Gary feel. Ryan makes mother nature his bitch, by saying “mother nature..bring it! You have nothing on Jillian.”
Eventually, everyone’s starting to moan and tremble. No one can stand it, and all their hands are freezing. Kelly starts to worry she has frost bite and starts worrying about her fingers. Ryan thinks this an excellent opportunity to play on her fears. “Can you get frostbite like this?” she asks. Ryan says he believes they all have a touch of it. Kelly trembles/twitters. Important rookie mistake: frostbite requires………frost.
Gary strikes a deal by asking peeps if there’s any chance of letting go. Scared Kelly agrees to let go with him, leaving just Ryan and Molicious to duke it out with menacing looks and dripping faces. They’re the two largest guys from the beginning, and Mo thinks they’re gonna make it.
Which is a lie.
Because shortly thereafter, Mo gets wussified, and decides he can’t take an itty bitty wittle cold. *suckling thumb* Actually…I’m not much on cold wet rain either. Or ponchos. So I feel his pain. He let’s go, and Ryan wins. A great prize for standing in the rain for 45 minutes.
One Eyebrow Away from Victory
During the last workout before the weigh in, Gary and Kelly are nervous. They’re neck and neck, and no one knows how it’ll all turn out. Every drop of sweat weighs something. I suggest they give themselves full body waxes. You never know. Eyebrows too. They’ll grow back. (This would be my strategy.) Kelly does an extra ab workout with Jillian. Will it work? If not, she can probably bounce a buddweiser can off her stomach. Why buddweiser? It’s the beer that bounces. <---really unnecessary/inexplicable comment.
All are nervous going into the weigh in. Mo says the yellow line has changed his motivation, Ryan thinks he’ll still be fine, and Kelly and Gary mentally disrobe each other and “weigh” all their parts. Which means....Gary ends up thinking Kelly is hot...and Kelly's stunned with the amount of chest hair Gary has…and more so…that he has a little tugboat shaved into his left bossom. (It’s been awhile since the shirtless weigh ins, and Gary’s been….busy.)
Caroline greets them at the weigh in and says this is the most important one…..EVER. 483 pounds have been lost to date, and all should be proud.
The weigh in:
Ryan: 10 pounds! In side by side photos, from the beginning to now, he looks absolutely fantastic! He laughs, he’s down 90 pounds now, and the world is made of cookie dough and moon beams. In his video diary footage, he wears a knit cap in a very white homie way. <----please…don’t let this happen to you or your friends. His current weight loss percent: 27.3.
Mo: 1 pound! WTH?? Poor Mo. He’s gone from a 55 pound weight loss...to 56 pounds. *sigh* He feels terrible. He’s now at a 12.8 percent weight loss.
Kelly: 5 pounds! She beams and radiates an inner light. A radioactive.... bright...inner light. Portions of the gym are melted. She’s lost 55 pounds to date and is down to 22.7 percent.
Gary: he has to beat Kelly’s percentage by a mere fraction to oust her out of second place. Does he? Does he? Yes!! With a 2 pound weight loss, Gary bumps Kelly out of the way by .2 percent. Rats. If you’re going to lose, lose big. And .2 percent is just downright disappointing.
Post weigh fest, it’s the usual bit of haggle time. Blah blah blah Kelly and Gary talk, Mo and Gary talk, and we all learn: Gary doesn’t make lasting alliances, Mo thinks he stands a chance because he might be a better “threat” in the finals, and Ryan agrees, thinking keeping Mo could mean keeping the money.
Back to the Collard Greens
It is dry in the fridge room, and hence Caroline deems it acceptable to appear. She arrives in a cloud of glitter worthy of George Oscar Bluth/GOB. She wastes no time before launching into her Probst questions:
Kelly: everyone who’s ever gone against Mo has been sent home, are you afraid? Are ya? *mocking tone* --->Is baby gonna cry? Kelly says there’s a chance but feels confident and also…maybe Caroline wants to shut it or face a fist in her pie hole. Caroline, afraid, shuts it. No questions for the suddenly unimportant but non-threatening Mo.
It is time…to lose….the calories! <----Okay, the writers are right. “Cut the fat” is a better phrase. Despite it’s astronomical, moon-sized cheese factor. And being in my most sleep deprived state ever, I'm actually finding it downright clever.
Gary: both Kelly and Mo are forces to be reckoned with, he’s done everything he could to protect himself in the game. Kelly’s a threat…but then…so is Mo. And he loves Mo..but….he votes Mo! Noo!! Caroline basically calls Gary a back-stabbin’ pirate, and Gary says that he knew there’d be a tie, so he wanted Mo’s departure to come from him.
Ryan: He’s happy that Kelly’s below the yellow line, because he wants her to trust him in the future, and because of that reason…..he voted Mo as well. Mo is no Mo. (*sigh*, I will never be able to use these anymore.)
Mo looks sad, but still full-up on the love. He says he loves them all and he’ll definitely support them all in the real world. They can call him anytime for support, and he knows they’ll do the same for him. All the peeps hug Mo, who squeezes everyone like a toothpaste tube…i.e. he starts rollin’ them up from the bottom. When it’s Gary’s turn, he rocks him back and forth like a baby, and Gary “ga-ah-ahhh”’s a little bit of drool on Mo’s shoulder. He says good-bye and we get the first ever fridge light close up as his fried chicken fridge shuts down.
Caroline congratulates them in creating a healthy lifestyle etc., but tells them that Mo won’t be the only one leaving the ranch. That’s right, formerly-sugar-babies, all you crazy kids are goin’ home! Now! To live Loser-style in the real world! They have to take what they learned and practice it out there. After a few months (cool!) they’ll come back and be weighed again to see who fell into old habits and patterns. And another thing: no trainers, and they won’t have each other for support either.
Really Ugly Bling
Caroline tells them that they all have to wave buh-bye to their trainers. They must take them out to nearby farms and leave them with families who will really love them and take good care of them. Kelly is the first to arrive to the workout room and Jillian wraps her skinny luvin’ arms around her. Jillian tells her she’s proud of her, Kelly feels proud too, and both women cry. Kelly says she’s ready to go, confident and happy. Jillian responds by taking out a black velvet box. A proposal! *gasp* Prominently displayed is the Kraiko diamond name and Jillian takes a sweet moment counting to herself ala the sponsors directions, so that the camera can zoom in on the name before she opens the box to reveal………..an ugly diamond ring! With BL on it! Okay…it’s not really super ugly. Just really chunky. Beefy even. I’m sure plenty of you out there will blaspheme my name and tell me it’s purty…but a superbowl ring on a girl………..*bzzzz* no. I just don’t like my bling with letters. Unless it spells Superfreak. Jillian tells Kelly she can go “all the way” *wink* and Kelly cries, telling Jillian very touchingly that she’s changed her life, and not just physically. Jillian is a testament to how far Kelly’s come, and everyone cries, including me. *sniff*
Ryan is up next and is jazzed that he gets to see Jillian one last time. He’s unhappy to say good-bye, but part of him is psyched because he’s ready to do this on his own now. Jillian is way proud of him and never thought in her wildest imagination that this was even possible. Ryan says that deep down, he can see the person he can be and Jillian corrects, “the person that you ARE.” Soon she whips out another Kraiko box and gives him another, slightly chunkier super bowl ring with TBL on it. It’s delightful, she’s happy, he’s happy, and they all feel like singing kumbaya.
Gary is last to say good-bye, and the only person who gets mano a mano time with Bob. They hug and Bob says he wants to make sure Gary’s ready for the outside world. The reminisce on Gary’s 52 pound weight loss and Bob says, “we did that.” Apparently Gary now weighs less than Bob. They reminisce about Gary’s Brooklyn ways on the treadmill with the sunglasses on and how Gary wanted to be around for his kids. That touched Bob, especially because eventually, it became about Gary doing it for Gary. Bob also pops open a Kraiko box and Gary gets the same super bowl ring Ryan does. According to him, the ring will be like a magical little touchstone for Gary. When things are tough, he just has to look down at that ring and be reminded that there’s nothin’ he can’t do. Bob thanks Gary for everything he’s done for him, and they hug good-bye with a few I love you’s thrown in for good measure. Bob's main message to America: it is never too late to take charge of your life, every day is a new day.
Home Sweet Home
As everyone prepares to leave, we get individual producer approved not-staged-at-all casual strolls around the ranch. All walk the exact same totally-spontaneous path near a white picket fence whilst they reflect. Gary feels fantastic, Kelly feels fantastic…..they all feel fantastic. Awesome. Nobody wants their time on the ranch to feel wasted.
Kelly tells us that when she came to the ranch, she came scared. She thought she was single because of her weight, but she knows now it’s because she didn’t love the person she was and didn’t let people get close to her. Now she’s not afraid of anything anymore and she looks dayum fiyine! She tells Gary and Ryan to watch out, because when she gets home, she’s going to get even stronger.
Soon they all hop into individual limos and drive off. Gary says everything he’s learned has come into play now, Kelly says her family is going to see her 55 pounds lighter, and Ryan cries and says that the reunion with his wife will be that much sweeter now that he’s been away for so long. He thinks about having kids and being healthy enough to raise them. He can’t wait to prove that he can do this in real life.
The show ends with cliffhanger footage of each person arriving home to screams on the other side of the door.
Finally, Mo footage, long after I forgot he’s already left the show. His outlook on nutrition is so different now and he’s still a southern boy, but he eats good southern cooking now. We see footage of him frolicking with children and find out he’s lost another 20 pounds. His future goal: to lose 100 more pounds in 2005.
Next week: The finale!! What??? Yes! And it will be LIVE! Sweet! The entire cast reunites for the final weigh in and we find out who wins LIVE! Along with a big surprise at the end of the show. Stay tuned!
Yes, I am sleep deprived. email@example.com