fansfan. Ah yes, you are indeed ready to witness an apologetically tardy recap. It’s all due to the magical and wonderful holiday season. Christmas is a time packed with busy happenings: oily wrestling with other shoppers at the malls, the surprise visits from weirdo relatives, off-key caroling parties…and massive corporate restructurings. Ahh yes. Very merry indeed. The Shazz was laid off from her day-job this week, along with several other unlucky elves, and I know what you’re thinking……yes….I always do talk about myself in the third person. The Shazz likes it that way. And yes, I always do refer to myself as “The Shazz”. I have a little cape and everything. It goes well with the previously mentioned silver unitard. Anyhow, this recap was pushed by the wayside in favor of an onslaught of well-meaning Shazz-supporter visits, trips to Kinko's to get copies of my resume from that weird guy with the funny trick eye, and the construction of a very large pin cushion shaped like my former CEO. Because I like to sew…and I’ve got to stick my needles SOMEWHERE. Okay, that’s not true…I really don’t like to sew. And I'm not sure your average sewer burns candles and chants over their pin cushions either, but hey...to each their own.
Up first are the updates from ousted peeps. First off is David, the bottle-fighter, who’s down to 187 from a starting weight of 250. He says that pre-ranch, he was on the fast track to disaster and now loves working out The ranch jump started his success, and he l-o-v-e’s *cue heart drawn in the air* the tasty treats in the house, because staring down the cupcakes helped him in real life scenarios. He looks great and we all feel joy. Boundless joy.
Up next is..uh..Kelly..who we just saw last week. But she looks fantastic! Yes she do. She’s jazzed about being home and we enjoy footage of her running through he neighborhood, telling us that she can do it all on her own. She has no little blue smurf angel in the form of Bob on her shoulder telling her what’s what anymore, and it's now all about making a daily choice to be healthy. Kelly feels good about doing good for Kelly and she’s down to 160 from 223. You go, sister girl. You…go. *cue Mary Tyler Moore Music* She’s gonna make it after alllllllllll! *Kelly tosses beret*
For the first time ever (have I not been paying attention?) there is a narrator who lets us know that this week….*ominous pausing* the game….is…going…to…change! *echo*
But before the big change happens, we must now kill some time by adding footage to make sure this show stretches into The Amazing Race hour. So we see footage of kitchen items, a piece of fruit…and other completely mesmerizing things…like cheese. Behold…..the power of cheese. <---desperate.
It’s post elimination time, and as soon as Andrea pops back to the house, the red girls ask her if she wants to talk about the fact that they booted off Andrea’s gal pal, Kelly. Andrea is all disgusted and tells them she has zip, zero, nada to say to them, and says now she knows where integrity stands with these two women. Both Lisa and Kelly look chagrinned, and Andrea tells us that she’s only going to rely on herself from now on.
Soon the trainers arrive…..together. Ooooooo. *insert 7th grade oos and ahhhs* They sprint up to the house like two little ponies, with shiny coats, giant gleaming choppers, and flowing manes (okay, that’s just Jillian. But that said, it bounces in a very Prell kind of way.) For no particular reason, they’re both smiling weirdly. I think we can all guess what they’ve been up to. <--fill-in-the-blank with your own insinuation. Jillian runs into the kitchen to her red team, who all tell her they’re the Kings and Queens of the game and let her know how they picked off Kelly from the blue team.
Bob looks stunned when he arrives to see his blue team Kelly-less. “Wow, wow, wow,” he freaks. He’s totally bummed that she’s not there. After finding out how she was voted off, he says he hates that he didn’t get to say goodbye to her. From now on, he’s going to start kicking their asses even more, because they need a massive weigh loss to prevent another good-bye, and he doesn’t want to hear a minute of complaint from any of them. He gets all hard-assy and tells them whenever they think he’s pushing them too hard, they need to shut it.
After more footage of people getting pushed and workin’ their now-much-smaller butts off, both teams head to the dining room to see an enormous spread of food on a fully set, elegant dining room table. Fried chicken, ribs, a six layer chocolate cake….there’s a temptation there for everyone. Andrea takes one look at the cake and tells us that she’s single, but if there were a man sitting there alone with the chocolate cake, she’d take the cake and leave that man. Here’s what I have to say, Dre, why choose? Cake and man….now put those two together. He he he.<-----Pillsbury dough boy laugh.
Mo tells us that it was all very tempting, but it was like he had an automatic calorie counter in his head. It would be really cool if they inserted a Terminator-like-digitized-viewpoint of the table, but they do not. All the peeps head for the grilled chicken and veggies instead. Kelly of the red team says that the cruelest thing ever is the spinach dip. I don’t know….I’ve always thought Bermuda onion dip was more “in your face”. She eyes up the bread and says it’s like real life, you’ll be at a dinner party with a fabulous spread like this and you’ll need to pick wisely. Ryan says that the temptations used to make him angry, but now he can handle them. There used to be donuts at his job all the time, and now he knows he can walk by them. Someday he’ll have a six pack, and it won’t be in his cooler anymore.
Suddenly, post dinner, all the peeps are called into the gym. It’s not weigh in time, it’s not challenge time, so whasssup? Caroline is there waiting for them and launches into a spiel about how the peeps standing next to them have been all supportive like a wonder-bra (read: very supportive.) But the game is only built for one winner, and so now…there will be no more teams!! Everyone looks horrified, especially red team Kelly.
How the shiznit is gonna go down: Caroline says it would be unfair to track their progress now based solely on weight loss alone, so they’re going to start tracking progress by total percent lost from the beginning of the show. Yep, that means if they arrived weighing 200 pounds and lost 20, their total weight loss is 10 percent. After the next weigh in, the two people with the lowest percentage lost, will be below the yellow line (flash strange screen with a yellow line going across it). And those two peeps will be nominated for elimination. Everyone else will vote for one of those players, and whoever has the most votes, goes home.
But first, they’re all going to take a look at their current ranking. In order of first place to last:
Ryan: when he arrived, he weighed 330 pounds, lost 68, which means he's at 20.6 percent.
Kelly: 242 pounds, lost 45 pounds, total percentage is 18.6 percent.
Gary: 227 pounds, lost 41, 18.1 percent
Andrea: 215 pounds, 37 pounds, 17.2 percent, says she felt relieved to be in 4th place.
Lisa: 235 pounds, 40 pounds, 16.9 percent. Ryan says, "Lisa I guess you're not voting me off now" and she immediately rails him and wants to know wtf? Why does he have to say things like that? Kelly also looks disgusted with him, and Lisa is the first to fall below the yellow line.
Mo: 436 pounds, 47 pounds, 10.8 percent. Finding out he was dead last was discouraging, and he ain’t goin’ down without a fight.
Lisa and Mo are below the yellow line, making them vulnerable, but just a few pounds can dramatically change those percentages. Andrea’s freaked because the numbers can shift, and Lisa points at the board and says that it makes her feel out of control, just like all yellow lines do.
In the kitchen, Lisa weeps and asks Ryan how he could say “Lisa, I guess you’re not voting me off now,” <---said in mocking tone. He’s tells her to chill, and hey, she used to mock him the same dang way. It’s a joke, g-friend, deal. He reassures her that nothing has changed, they’ll still be a team, they’ll still work out as a team, and they’ll still frolic and laugh amongst the hilarious grapes. Lisa tells us that she used to be the total puppet master in her world, and hates having the puppet mastery torn from beneath her. She’s freaking out in the way all recently deposed dictators do, by digging a hole in the desert and growing a Unabomber beard. She was certain Ryan was going home next, and now her hypocritical world is all topsy turvy. Awwww, poor wittle Totalitarian dictator.<------*fake tears*
Cycles of Doom
Jillian and Bob arrive to find their teams dissolved. They both tell us that they’re still there to help people lose weight, and it isn’t going to change. Jillian says that if the blue team asks her for help, she’ll do it in a heartbeat, but doesn’t see it happening. All the peeps express varying degrees of the same, “I don’t wanna switch horses in midstream” type talk. Gary says it’s all still the same thing: work your ass off, stick to the diet, and do whatever you can to lose the weight.
Tonight is the first individual challenge, and all peeps are nervous because they can’t rely on their teams anymore to make up for individual weaknesses. They all arrive into a room with cycles in them, and as soon as Andrea takes a look, she says her nerves dissolve. Cycling is something she totally rules at.
Caroline tells them the challenge is simple: Hop on the bikes and ride. The player with the most mileage on their bikes, wins immunity. It’s 8 p.m. when they start, and they’ve got until………..*drum roll*……..midnight! 4 hours. Wow. Besides immunity, the winner will also receive a shopping spree for a brand new wardrobe.
They’re off, and everyone has a different method. Lisa’s all about slow and steady, whereas Gary says he’s going to keep pace with the fastest person, and every few minutes, let loose with a sudden burst of speed. An hour into the challenge, Gary’s ahead of everyone, with no chance of slowin’ it down. Andrea think he’s going too fast, and eventually she’ll catch up. Mo is going the slowest, and everyone’s sweating buckets. Gary says that whenever he gets tired and wants to hurl, he thinks of his kids and his wife cheering him on and the hurl retreats. I keep thinking, wow…they must all be so bored. With one hour remaining, Gary says there’s no way he’s stopping, Lisa keeps pedaling hard, and all are focused.
In the end, the rankings are:
Gary wins immunity! Caroline tells him that tomorrow morning, two stylists will pick him up for his shopping spree. He feels awesome, and wanted to see how much pain he could withstand. Apparently, it’s mucho. But as for the shopping spree, he knows he has distinct tastes and may have difficulty working with a stylist. His lists his distinct tastes: new jeans and sneakers. Wow. Wacky.
In the morning, Gary steps outside to meet his stylist and….surprise….....it's his kids!! The little kidlets run to his surprised arms and he smothers them with kisses while everyone weeps. His daughter loves being able to fit her arms around him now. After a short burst to a store appropriately titled, “Gary’s island”, where he finds he’s down to a 34 pant after being at a 38 for so long, he arrives home to find yet another surprise…his wife! She freaks when she sees him and let’s out a massive string of “oh my God”s.
When Gary sees his lovely wife for the first time, he could tell how shocked she was to see him lookin’ so svelte and sassy. She tells him he’s gorgeous, and he says it’s like they just met for the first time. Words cannot describe how he felt at that moment, and somehow, their kids magically disappear. *poof* They’re all huggy and kissy inside the doors of the ranch and if this weren’t NBC, I’m sure the lights would dim and we’d soon see Gary’s new flexibility……….in action. *insert Marvin Gaye music, wink, wink* He said he was lithe and nimble when they first met, but as time went on, he packed on the poundage and began to look and feel older. His wife freaks to hear he’s wearing a 34 pant and a small shirt. She thinks they’re a hot couple now, and when she asks him about his asthma, he emotionally whispers, “it’s gone. It’s gone.” She cries, he cries, and in the new land of no cholesterol or high blood pressure….all are merry. She says she’s been worried about him for years, and that he used to pop antacids like candy. He deserves to feel good about himself. Yay! All the world is covered in a rainbow of joy, they say their good-byes, and she magically disappears to wherever the kidlets went to.
Master of Puppets...once Again *cue Metallica*
It’s time for the first individual weigh in. All the peeps are worried about falling below that yellow line. Lisa says she can’t stand seeing her name there, and always had a say in who was comin’ or goin’ and now hates being puppet-masterless. Gary doesn’t like being in 3rd and wants to kick it up a notch, Andrea says she can work hard and get the job done and says her competitive side is all revved up and ready to DANCE! Mo said he’s gone from strength to weakness, and definitely wants to move up. Will he? Let us reveal!
The weigh in:
Gary: 3 pounds, he says he'll take it, percentage is 19.4 percent.
Kelly: 3 pounds, she immediately wanted to be disappointed, but her logic tells her to take the 3. She’s at 19.8 percent.
Mo: 3 pounds, 11.5 percent, said he's just thrilled to lose 50 after coming to the ranch only hoping to lose 30 or 40.
Ryan: 9 pounds, whoah! He’s first again, and at 23.3 perecent. He knew he had a kick ass lead.
Andrea: 2 pounds, 18.1 percent, putting her in fourth place all over again. She hopes she stays in 4th.
Lisa: 5 pounds, 19.1 percent. She starts to cry tears of joy while Andrea looks depressed. At first Lisa says she’s sorry, and then takes it back and says she isn’t going to be sorry for losing weight anymore. The red team looks overjoyed. None of their teammates are below the yellow line. The vote tonight comes down to Mo and Andrea.
On vote day, Mo says he didn’t sleep well at all knowing that it could be his last day at the ranch. He’s never been this close to going home before, but Ryan tells him he’s sure he’ll still be around.
Andrea ends up talking to Kelly and Lisa and they both tell her they don’t know what they’re going to do. They say she deserves to be there, but that she’s a threat, because she has better endurance, better weight loss results, and a better ass than Mo. Andrea wants the girls to stick together and make it a final “girl power” ending, but Kelly and Lisa say they have no idea what they’re going to do.
Next up, we hear loud, girl sobbing down the hall. And surprisingly……….it’s Bob. Awww…Papa Smurf is all sensitive. He’s with Andrea and both get all weepy and emotional about how each of them is a great person. “you’re a great person. No YOU are. NO YOU. No YOU.” They both continue on and on, and Bob tells her she’ll be great on the outside because she’s so darn strong. They both embrace while Bob weeps and says, “you got so skinny,” in his little southern drawl. They say their good-byes in case she’s goin’ home, and both feel merry and touched. *cue pictures of puppies sprinting through meadows* Awww.
Lisa tells Andrea that she contemplates keeping her there, because the reason she got her *bleep* together is because Andrea motivated her by being so close, percentage-wise. Andrea tells us she doesn’t know if Lisa’s telling the truth or not, and says she doesn’t like walking away from things unfinished, and this weight loss thing is unfinished. More footage of Andrea and Mo working out while we play the obligatory touching music over the footage. This time it’s Air Supply, and I immediately long for the days of men with tight, curly perms. Okay, no Air Supply, but the curly perm longings…they remain.
Baby Got Back...and wants to Keep it That Way
It’s vote time in the hizzouse, and for the first time ever, everyone on the show walks down to the fridge room with a platter. Who will go home? Who will break the glass on one of the fridges and gorge on spare ribs? What clever overweight euphemism will Caroline delight us with next? Let us find out.
First up, is the Probst-y period of pointless questions from Caroline to the peeps.
Andrea: you’re such a fierce competitor, how hard will it be to leave without finishing the game? Answer: very hard.
Mo: if you leave here tonight, will you be happy with what you’ve accomplished? Yes.
Annnd we’re done. Yes I’ve simplified their answers…but there you go.
And Caroline tells us it’s time…to cut…the fat. *everyone groans*
Andrea and Mo do not get to vote because their votes will cancel each other’s out. In the event of a tie, the person with the lowest weight loss percentage goes home.
Gary: Mo and Andrea have been inspiring to him, they’ve gone through blood, sweat and tears togther, but in the end, he picked who he picked because he sees this person as overtaking him in the long run. He votes for Andrea.
Ryan: He looks at two things, how hard a person worked, and how passionate they are to be there. Both Mo and Andrea are both full up with each of those things, but in the end, knows Andrea could kick his ass. He votes for her to go.
Lisa: This has been a tough one for her and she’s been tossing and turning at night over it. She’s thankful she’s not below the yellow line anymore, but feels like if she doesn’t get rid of Andrea now, she’ll one day be in her shoes. Her vote is for Andrea.
There’s no need to see Kelly’s vote.
As Andrea departs, she sways her hips suggestively and tells them that the dress she’s wearing was too tight when she came to the ranch, and she specifically wore the size 8 dress tonight to leave in style. “Check the back as I’m walkin’.” She disappears up the stairs swayin’ her hips in a sassy and confident way.
She tells us that regardless of the money and the title, she feels like she’s already a winner and can complete this on her own. She’ll miss Bob the most because he’s shown her so much. She says the next time we see her, we’re gonna be staring at a 34, 26, 38, because she wants to keep the junk in her trunk. She's gonna look "bangin’", and she confidentally states, “not that I don’t already”. Post show, we see her with a total weight loss of 51 pounds, lookin’ all hottified in a bikini, down to a total poundage of 164. With her new confidence, she’s asked for a raise and got it.
Next week: The final four are chosen, but not before they come into contact with enormous cardboard cut-outs of themselves. Also up: the peeps end up carrying the weight they lost around a track and Ryan is shown kicking the ass of his cardboard cut-out and weeping with joy. And of course…the most dramatic…elimination…yet! Stay tuned.
Busily adding details to the pin cushion. firstname.lastname@example.org